Dogism

by Mark Anthony

  I didn’t want to hold the cone for him because I wanted him to learn independence. It was a scary ordeal watching him perform a Houdini act of licking the cone while walking to the car all in one shot. Fortunately for LL, it wasn’t three strikes and you’re out. He made it to the car with the ice cream running all over his right arm, but he was happier than a pig in slop.

  As we drove home, my pager, which was on vibrate, went off. When we came to a red light I looked at it, and it had 911 displayed along with a phone number that I didn’t recognize. As I reached for my cellular phone, I thought that it was probably Steve giving me an update on the NBA championship game. He was probably at some chick’s house, sitting pretty like a fat cat. I knew that all he wanted to do was rub in my face the fact that I was missing the game because I had to go to Bible class. Although I didn’t want to hear any of Steve’s sarcasm, when we came to a red light I quickly dialed the number. After two rings, I heard a female’s voice on the other end.

  “Hello, Lance? Can you talk? This is Toni.”

  I had to not show my excitement to my wife. I was cool and collected as I said, “Yo, what’s up? Listen . . . um . . . actually I’m driving right now. I’ll call you back when I get home, a’ight?”

  Toni replied, “Okay, but make sure you call me.”

  “Yeah, a’ight, no doubt,” I replied.

  Yo, I put the cell phone down and I really thought I was about to have an orgasm in my pants. Toni actually called me before I called her. Either she was calling me to tell me she was upset with me, or the kiss got her hooked. Even though I hadn’t spoken to her since the party, which was about a week and a half ago, I doubted that she was upset. If she was, she wouldn’t have called at all.

  “Lance, who was that?” my wife asked.

  “Oh, that was Steve. He was calling to give me an update on the game,” I replied.

  When we reached home, we entered the house like one big happy family. I was starving and couldn’t wait to eat. In addition to being hungry, I also knew that eating would help take my mind off the fact that Toni was waiting for my phone call. As my wife and I ate, we talked about the lesson we had learned in Bible study class. I was into our conversation, but at the same time, I was also chomping down my food so I could get away from the table as soon as possible.

  When I was done eating, I was easily able to jet from my wife. I used the excuse that I had to take LL up to his room to put him to bed. After I’d done that, I made my way to the solace of the basement where I knew I would be able to get my talk on with Toni. But of course, this had to be one of those nights that my wife wanted to stay up and talk. I was pissed off because I couldn’t wait for her to go to bed and leave me the hell alone.

  Nicole, who was smiling, came down the basement stairs and said, “Guess what, honey?”

  Unaware what my wife had up her sleeve, I nonchalantly asked, “What’s up?”

  Sounding very excited my wife replied, “Well, I thought about how I don’t spend enough time with you watching sports, so I’ma stay up with you tonight and watch the rest of the game. I’ve been thinking, and you’re right, me watching the games is the only way I’m ever gonna learn to really get into it on the same level that you’re into it.”

  Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! I thought, wanting to scream. After all the invitations in the past that my wife had not accepted, why did she have to choose this particular game to wanna watch? Why? Damn! Now I knew I would have to sit and explain to her every little detail about the game. Explaining sports to Nicole is something I have longed to do. I want us to be husband-and-wife basketball fanatics. Had it been any other night, I would have fallen in love with her enthusiastic suggestion. It was just that I had to call Toni as soon as possible.

  Luckily for me, when I turned on the game, I realized that it was nearing the end of the third quarter, which meant that I only had about thirty minutes or so before it would be over. My wife was in true student form. The only thing she needed to do was whip out a pad and a pencil in order to take down notes. She began right away with the damn questions. I hated doing it, because I knew I would probably turn her off from basketball forever, but I burst my wife’s bubble right away.

  As soon as she started with the questions, I interrupted her and said, “Baby, see, let me explain.... You can’t be asking questions now. The game is too close. I have to concentrate or else my team is gonna lose. This is an important game, a’ight?”

  Sounding like a sweet, innocent kid, my wife asked, “Well, how am I ever gonna learn if I don’t ask questions?”

  Trying to brush her off, I said, “Shhh, be quiet.”

  After seeing my team make a crucial mistake, I barked at Nicole, “See. Because you were talking, my team just made a costly mistake.”

  My wife sucked her teeth in disappointed rejection.

  I explained, “Baby, don’t take it personal. That’s just how it is. This is a big game.”

  I could tell Nicole was mad. Whenever she’s mad, she becomes as cold as ice. She won’t touch a nigga, she won’t speak to a nigga or anything. Nicole was definitely mad as she sat there for ten minutes, faking like she was interested. But as soon as a commercial came on, she abruptly removed herself from the couch. Without saying a word to me, she walked upstairs.

  As she walked out of the room, I thought, Well it’s about got damn time. I knew she wanted me to chase after her and say sorry and all that garbage, but not tonight. I couldn’t wait for her to leave.

  My wife had been upstairs for only five minutes, but I felt that was long enough. I quickly rushed and called Toni. Her phone rang about five times, then her answering machine came on. Feeling disappointed, I left a message as I said, “What’s up, honey? It’s Lance. Just returning your call. Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you, but . . . um . . . just call me when you get in. A’ight?”

  Realizing that Toni wasn’t home, I decided to take a chance and try the number from earlier that was in my pager. I dialed it, and it rang a couple of times. Toni picked up. Fortunately, I didn’t have to worry about my wife overhearing me because I had the sound from the game drowning out what I was saying. When I began to speak, I was trying to be as apologetic as possible. “Toni, I’m sorry. Listen, I was dead wrong for trying to kiss you. I mean I respect you more than that. It’s just that I had too much to drink that night. You understand, right?”

  My heart nervously pounded as I waited for Toni to respond.

  Toni replied, “Lance, listen. First of all, I accept your apology. I wasn’t exactly upset with you, per se. It’s like . . . well . . . it’s just like I’ve been telling you. We need to sit down and talk about what’s been going on.”

  Just knowing that I wasn’t on the hook for my actions led me to want to thank Toni. I thanked her as if she had just saved me from a raging river that was about to take me under. “Toni, whatever you say. The sooner we talk, the better. What’s up with tomorrow?”

  Toni replied, “Tomorrow is fine.”

  I really didn’t know what to say, so I asked the common question. “So how have you been? How’s Kim?”

  “I’ve been alright. I was wondering when you were gonna call me or if you were ever gonna call me at all.... As for Kim, she’s chillin’. Matter of fact she told me to tell you that she had a good time at your party.”

  “Oh word, that’s good. And what about you? Did you enjoy yourself?”

  I could tell Toni was trying to sound very serious, but I knew she was just as happy to be hearing my voice as I was to be hearing hers. I made sure not to address her comment about me not having called her. I could sense Toni was smiling as she said, “Yeah, you know I enjoyed myself.”

  I replied, “Good. That’s real good.”

  Toni was starting to lose that serious tone of voice that she had when we began our conversation. She added, “Lance, baby, it is hot as hell in my house.”

  I asked, “Are you in your crib? I just called you and left a message on your machine.”
/>
  Toni replied, “Nah, I’m on my cell piece.”

  I laughed and playfully responded, “Check you out. Sounding all ghetto. ‘Nah I’m on my cell piece . . .’ What do you know about a cell piece?”

  Toni laughed as she explained, “Nah, but for real, I’m just driving around with my convertible top down. I’m trying to cool off before I go to sleep. It’s just too hot in my house.”

  “Well, what’s up with the AC?”

  Toni explained that that was the problem. The AC wasn’t working.

  I advised, “Listen, if you want, we can talk at your house tomorrow, and I’ll fix your AC for you while I’m there.”

  Toni didn’t believe I was for real, and she responded, “Yeah, right.”

  “I’m serious. Do you have central air, or do you have separate air conditioners in each window?”

  Toni replied, “Yeah, we have central air but nothing is coming out of the vents.”

  “I’ll take care of you. I’ll hook things up,” I assured her.

  Shortly after that our conversation ended, I made my way upstairs where I found my wife greasing her scalp and rolling her hair.

  Nikki rudely exclaimed, “Lance, if you didn’t want me around while you were watching your game, all you had to do was tell me.”

  I purposely ignored Nikki. In my mind I felt like telling her to shut the hell up. She knew where she could go for all I cared. Nikki glared at me while she continued to sit on the bed fixing her hair. I don’t think that she was upset, but I know that by me ignoring her it didn’t help to diffuse the situation. I stripped naked and made my way to the shower. Just to irk Nicole, I made sure to leave my clothes in a ragged pile right where I’d stepped out of them. As I walked out of the bedroom and headed toward the bathroom, my frustrated wife yelled, “Lance, pick up your clothes and stop being lazy. I’m tired of picking up after you.”

  That was the reaction I wanted. I mean, if I had to be frustrated because I couldn’t stay on the phone and kick it with Toni, I was gonna do my best to make sure my wife was just as frustrated.

  I stopped dead in my tracks and yelled back, “What did you say?”

  Nicole screamed, “I said pick up your clothes.”

  I reiterated, “Nah, nah! Before that. Did you say you’re tired of me?” I knew that wasn’t what Nicole said. I was just trying to create an atmosphere of drama.

  I continued, “Nicole, I know you didn’t say you were tired of me. Matter of fact, I don’t give a damn, ’cause I’m tired of you too, bitch.”

  After saying that I stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door so hard that the entire house shook. Nicole became enraged, and she bolted to the bathroom door and demanded that I unlock it.

  “Lance, open this door right now! Lance . . . Lance . . . Lance, you’re gonna apologize for cursing at me. Open this door.”

  I knew my wife had truly blown her top. She sounded madder than I’d ever heard her sound and for good reason I guess. I mean, that was the first time in my life I had ever cursed at her. Although she was highly upset, I made matters much worse by running the water in the shower. That move on my part sent a signal that I was ignoring her. However, it only caused her dramatic screams to get louder and louder.

  After being in the shower for two minutes, I no longer heard her yells. I guess she’d worn herself thin from them. It’s wild because before I purposely started the confrontation. I wasn’t the least bit upset at first, but although I knew this whole argument had no basis or substance, I was really starting to get upset. After all, I ran the show in my house. Nicole was way out of line when she’d raised her voice to me.

  I continued to wash my body, and I became angrier by the minute. All I knew was that when I was done showering, Nicole had better slow her roll. I thought, If she keeps nagging me she’s gonna get smacked before the night is over. Word.

  I stepped out of the shower and dried off. I continued to prep my mind for battle. I stopped moving around for a moment so I could listen closely to what it was that I thought I’d heard. Yup. I was right. I heard my son crying in the background. His tears didn’t help the atmosphere, as I thought, What did Nicole do to him?

  I wrapped a towel around my waist and violently ripped open the bathroom door.

  Heading in the direction of LL’s room, I yelled, “LL! LL, where are you? Why are you crying like you’ve lost your mind?”

  When I made it to the entrance of his room, I saw my son sitting up in his bed being consoled by his mother. “Nicole, what did you do to him?” I rudely asked.

  Nicole barked back, “What did I do? The question is what the hell is wrong with you?”

  I screamed, “Nicole, let me explain something to you. I wear the pants in this house, and you better start respecting me.”

  As we raised our voices at each other, LL tried to mediate the situation. “Stop,” he cried as he hugged Nicole as hard as he could. “Mommy, stop. Stop, Daddy.”

  All it took was the sound of LL’s voice to snap me out of what felt like a hypnotized and psychotic state. I pulled my son from Nicole’s arms and hugged him. As his precious tears rolled down my bare chest, I caressed his back and assured him that everything was okay. I knew he was crying because he had never seen the two people he trusts and loves the most go at it like cats and dogs.

  It was at that point I realized how stupid my actions had been. I’d made LL feel that same hopelessness that I used to as a child when I would witness my father verbally and physically abusing my mom.

  Nicole kissed LL and reassured him that everything was gonna be alright. Sensing that the battle was over, LL began to calm down. Nicole made her way out of the room, but before she left she gave me a stare of death and said, “I hope you know why he’s scared and crying like he is.”

  Nicole made her way to our bedroom, but I decided to stay with my son. I put him on the bed and placed him under his Superman sheets. LL didn’t ask any questions, and he looked so peaceful as he began to fall asleep. I kissed him on his cheek and turned out the lamp in his room. His night light was on, and I just couldn’t get myself to leave his room. I pulled one of his little chairs from the corner of his bedroom and sat and watched him as he looked so serene in his sleep.

  Many thoughts came into my head as I watched my son. I was hoping some of the serenity of the room would wear off on me. I knew I wasn’t gonna sleep in the same bed with my wife. I probably would stay in LL’s room and sleep. As I stared at LL, I began to talk to God. With all that I had in my soul, I prayed that LL wouldn’t grow up to see women as objects that feed and satisfy his lustful cravings. I hoped to myself that LL wouldn’t even have the problem of lust like I do. I knew he would grow up to enjoy sex as just about every human being does, but hopefully he wouldn’t let the need for it dominate his every thought like his father.

  Tears were on the verge of welling up in my eyes due to the sad fact that just the other day I was feeling deeply depressed because I had kissed another woman. In fact, on Monday, and all of last week, I didn’t even know if my depression was a result of the fact that I loved my wife and I knew I’d done wrong, or if it was because I had an uncontrollable desire to be with other women.

  I definitely didn’t want that depressive state of mind to creep back up on me. Sadly enough, I knew it probably would return if I again chose to let days pass without speaking to Toni, and Scarlet for that matter. Deep down, I knew that if I wanted to save my marriage and my soul, then I would have to muster up the willpower to fully avoid all contact with Toni. Yet, like a drug addict, I knew that it was the rushes I received from Toni and Scarlet that were making me feel sane. So how was I gonna just put an end to the cravings of the cocaine-like rushes that were causing a war to be waged in my mind and producing all kinds of irrational actions on my part?

  TWELVE

  When morning rolled around, I woke LL up and got him dressed and ready for the daycare center. My wife was already awake and dressed. She hadn’t cooked any breakfast, and
being that she was ready to walk out the door, I doubted that she had any plans on preparing any. I knew she was still upset from the previous night, but I couldn’t believe that she was gonna just walk out of the house without speaking to me.

  Nicole didn’t even acknowledge me when she saw me. I said good morning to her, but she was as cold as ice and didn’t return my greeting. She whisked past me and searched out LL’s whereabouts. She found him at his usual location, in front of the TV. Nicole kneeled down to LL’s eye level and said, “Mommy is leaving for work now, but you be good today and don’t give your teachers a hard time, okay?”

  LL who was deep into his cartoons didn’t really look my wife in the face as he answered, “Okay.”

  Nicole added, “Now give Mommy some suga.”

  LL finally looked in my wife’s direction as he wrapped his arms around Nicole’s neck and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Nicole, who looked like a stunning woman of corporate America in her skirt suit, again walked past me without acknowledging my presence. Only this time she kinda bumped me as she brushed by me.

  “Good morning to you, too, Nicole,” I said.

  Nicole gave no reply, and she headed straight out the door. I slipped on my slippers and ran out the house after her. When I caught up to her, I grabbed her by the arm and said, “Alright, Nicole. I’m sorry.”

  Nicole didn’t look me in the face, but as she tried to twist loose from my grip she replied, “Hmm uh, okay.”

  I hated grabbing Nicole in the manner in which I did, but what else was I to do to let her know that I was really sorry?

  “See Nicole, I said I was sorry and you’re not even acknowledging my apology. That’s not right.”

  Nicole responded, “Lance, can you let go of my arm? You’re gonna make me miss my train.”

  As I gave in to her demand, I lifted both of my palms face up and said, “Fine. But don’t say I didn’t try to apologize.”