Dogism

by Mark Anthony

  After politickin’ and making my final rounds in the backyard, I realized that Toni had to be in the basement ’cause I hadn’t seen her outside. I headed straight there to scoop her up. When I reached the basement I instantly became insanely vexed. I saw Toni standing near the bar smiling and talking to some cat I didn’t know. I had plans to march right up to Toni and snatch her up by the arm and ask her who the hell was she talking to and why her smile was so sparkling and wide. I began thinking, What if the kid slipped a mickey in Toni’s drink? What if he is an old boyfriend? I wasn’t trying to hear thoughts like that. I psyched myself to just walk up to the cat Toni was talking to and just punch him dead in his grill.

  I couldn’t believe how angry I was. It’s not like I have a short fuse or anything like that. I just felt like I was a dog who’d stepped away from his food for a hot second and here was some other dog putting his mouth in my bowl.

  Immediately, I stormed toward Toni, but then I stopped in my tracks. I didn’t get any closer to Toni ’cause I knew I was about to do something I would probably regret later. After pausing, I realized that it would not have been wise at all to cause any kind of an altercation. And believe me, if I were to snuff this cat, it would have caused a major scene. I thought against resorting to violence because I had no idea who the cat was. For all I knew, the guy could have been Toni’s cousin or what have you. Then I would’ve really played myself like a roach. Imagine me carrying on and all, only to find out that the guy really wasn’t trying to kick game to Toni.

  I yelled Toni’s name from a distance. She looked up and spotted me. After putting her drink on the bar, she looked as if she told the guy she would be right back. Toni walked over to where I was standing. I had to remember to remain calm as I spoke quietly but with a sternness in my voice I asked, “Yo, who the hell is that nigga?”

  Toni seemed shocked by the tone of my voice. She frowned and replied, “Ill.”

  I knew I had to quickly put my jealousy aside, so I smiled, trying to play it off, and said, “Ah, I got you. You thought I was trippin’, right?”

  Toni seemed unsure as to whether I was serious. She explained that the guy was a Q-Dog she’d known since her undergraduate days at Hampton University. She went on to explain how the Q-Dogs are the brothers to the Deltas. I played along like I was interested, but I really wasn’t impressed at all by all the fraternity and sorority garbage. I’d been tired of hearing about that fraternity crap since I was nineteen years old.

  I remarked, “Toni, you’re making me jealous.”

  Toni, who seemed a bit open from the alcohol, laughed and hugged me as she seductively said, “Baby, you know I’m all yours, so why you trippin’?”

  With the snap of a finger, my jealous rage had worn off and was replaced by a Kool-Aid smile. That hug turned me on something crazy. I knew I had to be very careful because I had no idea where my wife was or who was watching me. I quickly surveyed the basement, which was starting to empty out. I couldn’t locate my wife, so I kept Toni close and gently caressed her back. In the worse way I wanted to take Toni upstairs to the guest room and try to get some. I had no idea if she would be with it, but I definitely was gonna try.

  I took Toni by the hand and tried to persuade her as I said, “Come on, Toni. Let me show you the rest of my crib.”

  Toni seemed as if she was about to hesitate, but she didn’t put up a fight as she followed right behind me. That corny, punk- ass Q-Dog nigga who was still at the bar waiting for Toni to return looked at the two of us and just stared as he picked his face up from off the floor. I figured that Toni probably hadn’t objected to me taking her on a tour of the house for a couple of reasons.

  See, she had been given my home number, plus she’d met my wife, she liked my kid, and she enjoyed my company. All of that had to make her feel very comfortable with an uncomfortable situation.

  In a ploy to make it to the guest room as soon as possible, I hastily showed Toni the first floor, which included the living room, dining room, kitchen, and den. Toni nodded and commented how nice the furniture was and how spacious all the rooms were. I wondered if she was thinking thoughts similar to mine. I thought about how all of my material toys, such as my laced-out crib, could very easily become Toni’s if she played the right cards.

  We finally made it upstairs away from everyone. This is where I wanted to be so I could attempt to make my move. I continued with the tour as I showed Toni the bathroom and the master bedroom. Toni commented that she loved the satin sheets that were on my king-size bed.

  Like a pervert I said, “Yeah, I like satin too. It feels good when you make love on satin sheets.”

  Toni smiled and playfully punched me, but she didn’t respond. We continued on the tour, and we next came upon my son’s room. His door was closed, so I slowly opened it and peeked in. To my surprise LL was sound asleep. I didn’t understand how he could sleep through all of the noise. He must have been drained from all of the dancing he had been doing. When he’s on the dance floor, he swears he’s P. Diddy. As I showed Toni LL’s room, she remarked how peaceful LL looked as he slept.

  “Yeah, that’s my dog,” I replied as I closed the door to his room.

  Our next destination was the guest bedroom. I continued to hold Toni’s hand as we walked into the room. Jokingly, I told her that the guest room was where I often slept when I was in trouble with my wife. Acting very cautious, as if she was anticipating something, Toni didn’t respond to my last comment. She just nodded. Then I softly closed the door and stood with my back against it. I lustfully stared at Toni, and I made sure not to say a word. I took Toni by both of her hands and guided her to me. After pulling her close to me I hugged her, closed my eyes, and attempted to kiss her. Toni resisted, and she quickly pushed away from me.

  In a loud whisper, Toni asked, “Lance, what are you doing?”

  I held Toni so that she couldn’t walk away from me. I was careful not to hold her in such a way that would suggest I was trying to rape her or something.

  “Come on, baby, just one kiss,” I pleaded.

  Toni, sounding a bit nervous, asked, “Lance, are you crazy? I can’t be kissing you in your house with your wife downstairs.”

  I didn’t reply. I just pulled Toni closer to me and began to kiss her. Magically, her reluctance disappeared. I could tell she wanted to get into a real deep kiss, but at the same time she showed signs of apprehension, which was probably why the kiss didn’t last for as long as I’d wanted it to. Nor did it lead to where I wanted it to. We did manage to kiss for about thirty seconds, and I was aroused throughout the whole time. The kiss felt far better than I thought it would when I’d often fantasized about it. Toni’s mouth was sweeter than a cherry Blow-Pop.

  Toni backed away from me. She seemed as if she was breathing a little heavy as she said, “Lance, we can’t be doing this.”

  Like I said, I understood Toni’s apprehension, but I was more than ready and willing to lay Toni on the guest bed and take things to the next level. I was still blocking the door, and Toni demanded that I move out of the way so she could exit. Swiftly coming back to reality, I complied and moved out of Toni’s way. She aptly walked out of the room. I wanted to run behind her, but I just let her go.

  After she left the room, I slid down the wall of the hallway, which was just outside the guest room. I sat with my butt on the floor, and I let my knees rest near my chin. I thought about what I had just done. I knew that once again I had crossed that line that I’d promised myself and my wife I would never cross. To justify the wrong that I’d just done, I abruptly convinced myself that it wasn’t me who had tried to kiss Toni. Rather it was all of the alcohol that I had been drinking that led me to do it. I sat for a few minutes, but I knew that I had to get back to the party and see the remaining guests off. I also knew that I would be up until about four in the morning with Nicole cleaning up, so I had to get a move on things.

  TEN

  More than a week had passed since I kissed Toni. During t
hat time, the shame of what I’d done seemed to intensify with each passing day. Having known what I did, I was getting tired of looking my wife in the face and having her see me as a do-right man. I didn’t want to feel depressed, but I couldn’t help it. The guilt was no joke.

  I didn’t feel comfortable expressing to anyone how I was being eaten up inside. I could have spoken to Steve, but all he would have given me was more head-shaking laughter. With the way I was feeling, I really was in no mood to be laughed at. I hadn’t spoken to Toni in the past week. In fact, I hadn’t spoken to her since the party. That, too, was also ripping a tear into my heart so big that I found myself in the booty bar three times within the past week. When I was in the bar watching the sexy women take off their clothes, it was like all of my worries would leave me. I wanted to pay the biggest butt dancer two hundred and fifty dollars to go to a hotel with me. Yet, I didn’t want any sex from her. All I wanted was for her to sit with no clothes on and listen to my problems.

  I actually propositioned a couple of dancers with my offer, but sadly I had no takers. The dancers explained to me that they made way more than two-fifty a night, so if I wanted some takers, I would definitely have to up my price. They also didn’t believe that I wanted to go to a hotel “just to talk.” They assumed that once we got there, my plans would change. That certainly could not have been further from the truth. I simply settled for inexpensive lap dances. It was funny because as soon as I would leave the strip clubs, my depression would return. When I would reach home I would continue to combat the depression with masturbation.

  During the week, Scarlet acted as a good outlet for me to release some of my depression. I called her and purposely patched up some of the comments that I had made to her. I was so stupid because I knew that I was only leading her on even further. Plus, I knew that I was only setting my life up for more drama. Things were starting to get a little bit thicker with Toni, so I should have definitely stayed away from Scarlet, but I just couldn’t. I mean, regardless if I was trying to break up with her and distance myself from her, I still felt like I needed her during that week.

  Yeah, even with my trips to the booty bar, and with my depression, and with masturbating almost every day during the past week, I somehow found the time to have sex with Scarlet like four times. And the sex wasn’t that psycho, love-hate type. It was much more ghetto-passionate. Scarlet and I had finally been able to sit and talk like sane human beings. I guess that was because there was no talk of me leaving her.

  Scarlet had been working real hard on this big project in order to get her website, www.braziliancoochie.com, fully completed and ready to launch. And since I have always had a thing for business, I was able to give her some very helpful insight on how to effectively market her website and totally capitalize on the hardcore internet porn industry. Being that the two of us were able to connect on the whole website project, it sort of helped to distract us from all of the drama we had been going through as of late. I knew Scarlet needed me, and I definitely felt like I needed her, but I would be a fool if I tried to juggle three women, God, and a son. Although I didn’t remind Scarlet of my decision to split from her, I knew that after the week was over, I would have to revert to my disappearing act and continue to distance myself from her.

  On Monday evening my wife finally confronted me about my gloomy mood.

  “Lance, what’s up with you? I know something is bothering you—I mean, you haven’t lifted weights this whole week, you’re not eating as much. Something is bothering you.”

  “Nothing’s wrong, Nikki. I’m okay.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure.”

  I wanted to talk because I knew that just talking about anything would help my comatose state of mind. I just didn’t want to be specific as to what it was that was bothering me, therefore I remained silent. Fortunately, my wife was persistent as she looked at me with compassion and replied, “Talk to me, baby. What’s on your mind?”

  Reluctantly, I decided to give in and I explained, “Well, I don’t want to be making a big deal out of anything, but do you remember last week when you saw me dancing with Toni?”

  “Yes, I remember. Why?”

  I started to spill the beans right there, but all week long I couldn’t even bring myself to think about how my wife would react if I told her I’d kissed Toni. So now I certainly didn’t want to witness her reaction first hand. I took my train of thought onto another track. “Well, were you jealous?” I asked. “I mean was it alright for me to be with Toni?”

  “Lance, you know that I trust you. I mean, I wouldn’t even think twice about leaving you in the room with my sister if she were half naked.”

  I liked the thought of that suggestion. I was gonna joke and ask my wife if we could actually test out that experiment, but I had to remain serious as I interjected, “Well, it just seemed to me that you were a little peeved at me. I just don’t want you to be thinking that I would be flirting with some woman right in our own house. I love you too much for that. I know you know all this, but I want us to always be able to speak about anything that is bothering us, no matter how insignificant it may seem.”

  Nikki added, “Lance, you mean to tell me that you were feeling down because you thought that I was jealous of you dancing with another woman?”

  I lied as I simply replied, “I guess so, yeah.”

  Nikki defensively replied, “Well, like I’ve always told you, I trust you, Lance. I didn’t have a problem with you dancing with Toni. It’s just that she’s a beautiful woman, and I had no idea who she was. See, I trust you, but these women out here are trifling. People say that men are dogs, but women are just as bad.”

  “Oh, so you didn’t have a problem with Toni?” I asked.

  Nicole explained, “No, I did not, nor do I have any reason to have a problem with Toni. All it was was that I didn’t know her, that’s all. After you introduced me to her, I had no problems with her. I mean from what I saw, she seems to be a nice lady.”

  I replied, “A’ight, just making sure that we’re always on the same page.”

  Nicole added, “By the way, Lance, why don’t you invite Toni to church? You should find out if she’s saved. Because honestly, that’s the way I’m learning to look at people, in more spiritual terms.”

  It was like magic. By just talking, I was able to slowly but surely slip out of my depressive coma. I knew that my wife was the most beautiful human being in terms of qualities and character that I had ever met. Here I was messing with Toni right under her nose, and she was asking me whether the chick was born again. I felt a bit contrite when she asked me about Toni’s spiritual condition, which was something I really hadn’t pondered. I definitely wanted to dodge the question about whether Toni was saved. And there was no way in the world that I was gonna invite my mistress to church. If I were to do that, I might as well have applied for membership as one of Satan’s demons.

  In response to my wife’s question, I stated, “Well, I don’t know if she’s saved or not. I mean I don’t know her that well.”

  My wife shot back, “Well if you felt you knew her well enough to invite her to the party, you could have just as easily invited her to church. Lance, you have to start learning to be more evangelistic.”

  I readily responded, “Evangelistic? I’m not trying to look like no Jehovah’s Witness.”

  My wife shook her head. “Don’t worry about how you’re gonna look. It’s not about trying to look like somebody. You should be reaching out to lost people, trying to tell them the gospel. Forget about the Jehovah’s Witnesses. In the Bible, Jesus tells us to be evangelistic.”

  For good reasons, I didn’t respond to my wife. I mean, I didn’t feel like debating religion. Man, I was trying to get over the depression that was caused by my doggish mentality, and my wife was lecturing me on becoming the next Billy Graham or Creflo Dollar. At that point, I really didn’t need to be reminded of my weak Christian faith.

  Although I didn’t car
e for the religious twist that the conversation had taken, the quick discussion with my wife did manage to cheer me up a great deal. After all, it appeared to me as if Nicole was giving me the green light to be with Toni. I mean, she did say that she wasn’t jealous of the relationship I had with Toni. My wife is even openly secure with the fact that Toni is a gorgeous woman. So to me, it was like Nikki had okayed the attention that I’d given Toni at the party. Man, I felt so stupid. All week long I’d been having suicidal thoughts, and as soon as I talked to my wife about the situation, I found out that she’s secure with the whole ordeal.

  “Nicole, you know what I was just thinking?”

  “No. What were you thinking?”

  I answered, “I was thinking . . . Nah, actually I should say that I was admiring you because I know the loyalty that you show me is genuine. It’s authentic. Nothing or no one can compare to you, Nicole. To me, it’s like that’s one of the reasons why I love you so much. Come here. Give me a hug.”

  As my wife beamed, I hugged her tight. I wasn’t just dropping her some line of BS. I meant every word that came out of my mouth as I exclaimed, “Baby, I’m so glad that you’re not an insecure woman.” My wife and I began to kiss each other very deeply as I jokingly asked, “Wanna go make a baby?”

  Nikki giggled and grabbed me by the hand and led me upstairs where we made love on our green satin sheets.

  ELEVEN

  Wednesday night, on our way home from Bible class, my wife and I stopped at Carvel’s to get some ice cream for LL. He is mad cute, but I am convinced that he is the clumsiest kid I have ever seen. Not once, but twice, after purchasing our ice cream and in the process of leaving the store, LL managed to drop his ice cream cone, sprinkles and all, splat right on the floor. I warned him that I was gonna buy him one more cone and he had better not drop it or he wouldn’t be getting another one.