Dogism

by Mark Anthony

  Although Toni was being sarcastic, I could hear a sense of pain and some regret in her voice. “Toni, believe me, this episode that we’re going through is not going to be anything like Jerry Springer. But on the serious tip, what I was thinking was, I’m just gonna divorce Nicole before she even finds out anything about this baby.”

  Toni again took a break from preparing the food, and she commented, “See, Lance, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. I never could have pictured myself as a home wrecker. And that’s exactly what I feel like I am.”

  “Toni, you ain’t no home wrecker. This whole thing is my fault. I dragged you into this hook, line, and sinker. You didn’t have any intentions of messing with me. That’s the difference. See, a home wrecker sets out with a motive of destroying a family, and you never had those intentions.”

  “Still, but Lance, I don’t want you getting a divorce.”

  Raising my voice a bit I asked, “Why not? What do you expect me to do? When you have this baby, it’s not like I can just bring the kid home to play with LL. And I want to be around any baby that I helped create.”

  Toni became defensive. “No, Lance, I understand that you would want to be around the kid, but I don’t know . . . Just forget it, I don’t even know what point I was trying to make.”

  I was ready to comment but Toni quickly retracted and said, “Oh, okay, I know what I wanted to say. Lance, I know things are gonna be difficult, but all I want from you is to help me financially with the baby. You don’t have to get a divorce in order to do that.”

  I turned my lips and just looked at Toni for a few seconds. I was disgusted as I said, “Toni, what is wrong with you? I don’t know about you, but my idea of helping to raise a kid isn’t just sending money for some new sneakers.”

  Toni looked at me, but didn’t respond. Both of us stayed quiet for about two minutes. The wheels were spinning in my head, and my blood pressure was starting to rise because of the silence.

  Toni finally cut into the quietness as she said, “Alright. I guess I can see where you’re coming from. But Lance, one thing that I say is that you should just tell Nicole what’s going on. I’m a woman, and all I’m saying is that from a woman’s point of view, I know that she would much rather know.”

  I remained silent, and I thought about what Toni had just said. Toni then added, “I know that it’s going to be a hard thing to do, but Lance, there isn’t any easy way around this whole thing.”

  I continued in my silence. I guess Toni was feeling uncomfortable because she continued to break the silence. “Lance, I don’t know how I would do this, but if anything, I mean I’ll tell Nicole what happened. I’ll apologize straight up, woman to woman.”

  My silence was finally interrupted as I replied, “What?”

  Toni reaffirmed what she had just said.

  “Toni, if that is not the dumbest most ass-backward thing that I have ever heard in my life.” I began to use some of Steve’s logic as I added, “Nicole is religious and all, but I don’t know if there is enough religion in the whole world that would keep her from murdering you if you told her that you’re pregnant by me.”

  Toni was just about done preparing breakfast. She added, “See, Lance, I know that I’m here in D.C. cooking breakfast for you, and it’s easy for me to say that I’m willing and actually would want to speak to Nicole and all that, but I know that if I were ever face-to-face with her I wouldn’t expect the situation to be a calm one. Lance, I stepped way beyond my bounds. I slept with another woman’s man—better yet, another woman’s husband. That’s not something I’m proud of, but I’m woman enough to sincerely apologize to Nicole’s face, and regardless if she accepted my apology or not, I would at least feel a bit more respect for myself.”

  Both of our breakfast plates were prepared and on the table. I took a sip of my orange juice, and said, “Toni, look. I guess I see where you’re coming from. I mean, deep down I know that I have to tell Nicole what the deal is. Somehow I’ll muster up the courage to tell her because I couldn’t respect myself if I didn’t. The main thing that has been eating at me lately is the fact that I feel that Nicole more than deserves to know the truth. I know my marriage will most likely end up in divorce court, but I have to keep things real. I can’t just hit Nicole with divorce papers. First of all, if I did that, I would have to literally become the most cold, angry, and split-personality person in the world to really pull the divorce thing off. Second of all, by me just hitting Nicole with divorce papers it’d be like I’m trying to hint that I want to end the marriage because of her when in reality I’m the one who did the dirt.”

  Toni had her mouth full of food, so she nodded to show her agreement of what I’d just said. I then informed Toni that it would kind of be out of place for her to speak to Nicole. However, if she insisted that she talk to Nicole, then at least let me tell Nicole first. Toni agreed that I should definitely be the first one to speak to Nicole, but she also insisted that she be allowed to apologize.

  The breakfast was on point, and I complemented Toni on it. I wanted to switch the conversation to a more relaxed tone, so while switching gears, I smiled and said, “Toni, even with all the turmoil that is going on, the fact remains that there is a child inside of you. The baby has nothing to do with the mess that we caused, and that’s why I’m not shy to admit that I would love to have a little girl who looks just like you.”

  Toni laughed and asked, “Lance, how could you be thinking of that now?”

  “I’m sayin’. What’s wrong with thinking like that? I’m keeping it real. I want a baby girl who is the spitting image of you. I can picture a little girl in one of those white dresses with white shoes, and those ankle-high white lace dressy socks that little girls wear.”

  Toni began laughing, and she said, “Lance, you are so crazy.”

  “I’m crazy?” I asked. “Come on, Toni, admit it, you know that it would be fly to have a little girl walking around trying to be as sophisticated and sassy as you are.”

  “Sassy? Who you calling sassy?” Toni asked.

  I smiled and said, “You know I’m just playing.”

  Toni finally gave in and admitted that she did in fact want a little girl. She explained that she’d always envisioned having a girl before having a boy. Her desire for a daughter was due to her reasoning that with little girls, there is so much more to do, such as creating new hairstyles and the like. I informed Toni that the only reason she thought like that was because she’s a beautician.

  We both were just about finished eating our food. As we prepared to do the dishes together, I wanted to make sure the mood remained upbeat.

  “Toni, do you have any candy or gum?” I asked.

  Toni pointed to the top of the refrigerator where there was a bowl full of candy. I reached in, and I got a peppermint ball. As I made my way back to the sink to help Toni, I made sure to hand her the candy. Toni smiled and asked what it was for.

  “No offense, baby, but I’m sayin’, the onions in that omelet didn’t do you any justice.”

  Toni broke out into laughter. She covered her mouth and slapped me on the arm.

  I continued, “Well, you wouldn’t have wanted me to let you walk around with stink breath, now would you? Just like if I had a booger or something I would want you to tell me.”

  Toni continued laughing. She was embarrassed as she said, “Oh my God, I can’t believe you played me like that.” Toni then ran out of the room.

  “It’s all good, baby. Don’t sweat it,” I yelled to her.

  While Toni was out of the room, I continued washing the dishes. See, although I was in D.C. for a serious reason, there was no need to not be loose. After all, there was going to be plenty of time for seriousness in the future.

  Toni returned to the kitchen, and she blew her breath in my face. “You happy now?” she playfully asked.

  As I was forced to inhale a whiff of Toni’s breath, I realized that she must have gone to brush her teeth and rinse her mouth with mouthwa
sh.

  “Yeah, you’re good now,” I replied. “Your breath isn’t as hot. You’re good.”

  Toni then handed me the bottle of Scope she had used, and recommended that I use it as well. I took the mouthwash, and we both began laughing. In an instant we’d both totally forgotten about the dishes, and we started snapping on each other and telling mother jokes.

  The mood was definitely where I wanted it and where I preferred it. In the back of my mind, I knew that I could get some butt from Toni if I pushed up. And as we made our way to the living room, the thought of having sex with Toni became even more compelling. I decided to keep the mood relaxed by continuing to joke with Toni. I asked her if she knew my uncle had invented nacho cheese.

  She looked at me and twisted her lips.

  “He did,” I exclaimed.

  “Yeah, right.”

  As Toni looked at me and smiled, I said, “A’ight, you don’t believe me, so I’ll explain to you how it happened and prove to you that I’m not lying. See one day my uncle was in the park eating crackers and cheese. Then from out of nowhere this bum comes up to him and asked him for the time. He gave him the time, and the bum walked off. So my uncle continued eating his crackers and cheese. Then about five minutes later the bum came back and asked for directions to somewhere. My uncle gave the bum the directions, and the bum walked off. My uncle continued eating his crackers and cheese, and before you knew it, the same bum came back a third time. My uncle who was sitting on a park bench asked the bum what he wanted this time. The bum didn’t say anything. He just kept walking around the bench like he was plotting a scheme. My uncle paid him no mind, and before you could blink, the bum had snatched my uncle’s cheese, and he ran off. So my uncle, who was left sitting there with only crackers in his hands, stood on the park bench and yelled real loud, ‘Hey, come back here. That’s not yo’ cheese.’ And with that came the invention of nacho cheese.”

  After verbalizing the punch line of that joke, I fell out in laughter. Toni looked at me, and I could tell that she wanted to laugh simply because the joke was so corny. However, she managed to hold it in. I, on the other hand, was balled over in laughter.

  “Toni, you know you wanna laugh,” I said.

  Toni looked at me like I was stupid. I ran over to her and began tickling her. “Oh, you’re gonna laugh. You’re gonna laugh. . . .”

  Toni finally gave in, and she started laughing.

  “See, I told you that you were gonna laugh,” I said as I continued to tickle her.

  Toni replied, “Yeah, but I ain’t laughing at that stupid joke. Lance . . . ha, ha, ha . . . Lance, stop tickling me. Ha, ha, ha . . .”

  As we were both laughing, I decided to stop tickling her. I didn’t want to be too childish. The two of us paused and caught our breath, after which we headed to the living room to watch Soul Train. As we made our way, I stopped and pulled Toni close to me, and I hugged her.

  “Toni, we don’t have to act like we both have some kind of disease or something. We can still get close to each other.”

  Toni tried to push me off as she explained that getting close was exactly what had gotten us in the mess we were now in.

  “Baby, don’t fight me. All I want to do is kiss you. I mean, we both have fresh breath and all, so what’s the problem?”

  As Toni began to smile, I made my move and kissed her. As we kissed, I began feeling all over her body and kissing on her neck. I knew she was enjoying it, but she pushed me away. I moved closer to her, and I whispered in her ear that it had been such a long time since we’d done “it.”

  The look on Toni’s face after I’d whispered those words told me she wanted to go further. Unfortunately, she exercised self-control. Reluctantly, I, too, told my hormones to calm down and we both sat and watched Soul Train. As we watched, I was commenting on all of the slammin’ female dancers who were on the show. With Toni right next to me, I found myself getting a little too excited due to the tight and revealing clothing that the dancers had on.

  When a commercial came on, Toni took the remote and turned off the television. “Lance, you came here so we could talk, and we aren’t doing that, so what’s up?”

  Realizing that Toni was right, I paused and thought for about a minute. I sighed and said, “Okay, this is the deal. When I get back to New York, I’m gonna make sure that I tell Nicole what’s going on because I want to get this off my chest. Matter of fact, if I don’t get this off my chest, I’ll probably have a stroke or something.

  “Now after I tell her, I have no idea what her reaction is gonna be, but if you still want to speak to her, then by all means go ahead. But, Toni, one thing that I want you to know is that no matter what happens between Nicole and me, I’m going to make sure that you and the baby are always taken care of. I can’t promise how much time I’m going to spend with the kid, but I can promise that I’m going to make the best effort possible to be a big part of the kid’s life.”

  Toni and I continued to hammer out “what if” scenarios. We came to the conclusion that at this early stage, it was gonna be hard to predict just exactly how all the little details would be handled, but regardless of whether the future would go according to how we envisioned it, we both simply solidified the fact that we were going to be committed as a team to giving the best of everything to the baby.

  The remainder of the day flew by. When it was all said and done, I found myself on the plane heading back to New York. Yeah, I was wondering how I was gonna tell Nicole. I didn’t know how I was gonna bring myself to open up to her or where I was gonna get the courage, but at least I had achieved one moral victory for the day. That being, although I’d wanted to hit it, Toni and I had managed to keep our pants on.

  TWENTY-FIVE

  When Sunday arrived on the scene, I found myself in church. However, I couldn’t even concentrate on what was going on. Everyone seemed to notice that something was troubling me, but I played like all was okay. Nicole also noticed that I wasn’t my normal self, and she wanted to know if it had anything to do with what I had to tell her. At that point, there was no sense in lying, so I told her that, in fact, that was the reason I was in such a lethargic mood. Nicole begged and pleaded to know what was going on, and I told her that in a couple of days she would definitely know.

  Nicole was upset, and rightly so, due to the fact that I was hiding something from her. But see, that was the exact reason that I had pushed myself to even mention that I had something to tell her. By Nicole knowing that I had to talk to her, I knew that she was gonna keep the pressure on me to tell her what was bothering me. If I didn’t have that pressure on me then I would have more than likely let the whole situation drag on, which in turn would have only led me into telling more lies and causing more stress on everyone.

  Monday after I’d picked LL up from the daycare center, I found myself at my sister, Tiffany’s house. I had already called and told her that I had something very important to discuss with her, so she was expecting me. When I got to Tiffany’s house, I put LL in another room where he could be entertained by the television while she and I spoke.

  I looked away from my sister as I said, “Tiffany, I know that you aren’t going to believe what I have to tell you, but it’s the truth. Matter of fact, I don’t even know how to say this to you.”

  Tiffany knew that I had something serious on my mind, and she said, “Lance, I’m your sister so you know that you can tell me anything without worrying about me tripping.”

  I continued to look away from my sister as I said, “A’ight, I’m gonna be straight-up real and just spit it out.” I sighed and I felt myself beginning to form tears, as I said, “Tiffany, you know how much I love Nicole . . . that’s why this is so hard.”

  “Lance, what? What is going on? Are you and Nikki having problems?”

  I sighed again and then I let it out, “Tiffany, I messed up big time. Nicole has been on point since the day we got married, and there was no excuse for me to do what I did, but I . . .”

 
; “Lance, but what?” Tiffany eagerly questioned.

  I spat out, “But . . . I got this other woman pregnant.”

  With sounds of disbelief, Tiffany covered her mouth, which was wide open. Her eyebrows were also raised as she said, “Lance! I can’t believe what you just said.”

  Tears ran down my face as I finally looked my sister in her eyes and said, “I can’t believe it either.”

  Tiffany, who knew that I wasn’t lying, asked how this all had come about.

  “Tiffany, I don’t really want to explain all of that. I mean I’m a dog, and I messed up. It’s as simple as that.”

  Tiffany then said, “Lance, like I told you, I’m your sister, and I’m glad you came to me with this. But is there anything specific that you want me to do to help you? Because really, I don’t know what to tell you, but I do want to help you out if I can.”

  Wiping my tears away, I said, “Tiffany, I haven’t told Nicole yet. I have no idea how she’s gonna react, and I don’t even know how I’m gonna drop this on her. I just want you to be there when I tell her.”

  Tiffany assured me that that was not a problem. All I had to do was let her know when.

  I then added, “See, what makes this so hard is the way people are going to look at me and Nicole. I mean, I know I’m gonna have to deal with people calling me a hypocrite. I know people are going to be saying I’m supposed to be a Christian and all that and I’m always kicking this religious crap, yet I’m running around cheating on my wife. Plus, Tiffany, it just makes Nikki look bad. She’s been the best wife in the world, and I messed up. What’s gonna make things even harder is the fact that there have always been people, especially some of Nicole’s friends, who have been jealous of our relationship since day one. We’re educated, we have careers, the house, the cars, and the kid, and to everyone we seem like we’re totally in love. Now all of those jealous people are going to be laughing and feeling some sort of redemption. But Tiffany . . .”