Dogism

by Mark Anthony

  As I stopped speaking and I started to cry, my sister came and sat right next to me and began to console me. Tiffany and I were never very affectionate toward each other, and I was surprised she put her arm around me and rubbed my shoulder.

  “Lance, let me tell you something. I don’t know all of the details, and I’m sure that you know as well as I do that what you did was beyond wrong. But this is between you and Nicole to work out. If you start worrying about what everyone is going to think, Lance, you’ll drive yourself crazy. I’m here for you if you ever need anyone to talk to, and I’m not going to look at you in a judgmental way.”

  I remained silent. Although I would be turning twenty-eight years old in two months, I had never felt so young and pitiful. I felt like I was re-living a scene from my youth. Here I was crying and being consoled by my sister due to a mistake that I had made. Tiffany went and got me a moist paper towel so I could properly wipe my face, then she asked when I planned on telling Nicole.

  I paused and thought for a moment, then I said, “I figure it’s just like taking medicine. It’s disgusting and all, but you just have to swallow it and get it over with. No matter how bitter it might taste, if you ever want to feel better then you have to go ahead with the process. So I was thinking that maybe tomorrow I should tell her, if that’s okay with you.”

  Tiffany agreed. I finalized things by letting Tiffany know that I would call her the next day once Nicole came home from work.

  “Tiffany, I just hope that everything works out. I never wanted to hurt Nicole.”

  “Lance, let me ask you something. You’re religious and all, right?”

  Having no clue where my sister was going with her line of questioning, I said, “Yeah, why?”

  Tiffany added, “I mean, you’re not just religious on the surface, are you?”

  The truth of the matter was, as of late, I, in fact, had been just religious on the surface. Who was I fooling? For the past six months or so I had definitely been Satan’s child. Although I was starting to realize that it was time to get serious about repenting and truly representing as a child of God, I didn’t want my sister to know that my religious ways of late had been very hypocritical, so I answered her, “Tiffany, you know I’m not just religious on the surface. What’s up? What are you getting at?”

  “Lance, all I’m saying is that I’m not as religious as you are, but one thing I know is that God wants us to come to Him when we’re feeling troubled or anxious. Lance, you probably know this better than I do, but God is not like your friends on this earth. Your so-called friends will sell you out in a second. They’ll let you come to them with your problems a couple of times, but if you keep coming to them they’ll soon want nothing to do with you. Lance, God is exactly the opposite. He’ll never sell you out, and He’ll never get tired of you. See, sometimes religious people forget the hope they have in Jesus. Lance, I’m going to stop preaching to you, but what I want you to do is go home and get on your knees and pray about this whole situation. Pray like you’ve never prayed before.”

  Tiffany paused then she added, “Lance, I can’t tell you how Nicole is gonna take this, but I can tell you that with God, all things are possible. So if you earnestly pray about this, God will see to it that things work out. I promise you that.”

  I took to heart everything that my sister had just told me. I hugged her and thanked her for being there for me. LL and I departed, and we made our way home.

  The remainder of the evening went like any other typical one. Nicole, LL, and I ate dinner like a loving family. Nicole and I watched a movie after dinner, and we talked. I was glad that not once did Nicole ask me about what it was I had to tell her.

  When the lights were out, and after Nicole was fast asleep, I snuck out of the bedroom and made my way to the basement. I dropped to my knees and prayed with every ounce of feeling and emotion that I had in my body.

  “Dear Lord, Lord, I know that out of all sinners on this earth I probably take the cake as chief sinner. Lord, You see everything that goes on. I can hide things from people, but, Lord, I can’t hide things from You. That’s why I beg You, Lord, if there is any way at all, I beg You for Your forgiveness. Lord, I know that You call us to confess our sins to one another, and Lord, I want to let my wife know what I’ve done. The guilt inside of me is tearing me to pieces. I realize that the wrongs I committed were done on purpose. I can’t blame Satan or anyone else for what I willingly chose to do. Lord, I am a rational-thinking man, but I continually gave in to the desires of my flesh, and I committed adultery in the worst way. Lord, in no way do I expect Nicole to forgive me, and I can only imagine the enormous pain that she is going to feel when she finds out what I’ve done. Lord, please, please, please comfort Nicole when I tell her what I’ve done. Please ease her pain and wipe away her tears. Lord, I did not intend to hurt Nicole or LL. Lord, I know that I’ve hurt You, and I’m sorry. Please give me the courage to admit to Nicole what I’ve done. Lord, please take away from me that desire to be with other women. Remove my desires to lust and masturbate, and the desire to want to look at pornography. Lord, those terrible desires have helped to pave my road to adultery. Never have I owned up to my weaknesses, never have I admitted that I need help in overcoming sexual evils. Lord, as I kneel, crying and praying to You, I feel comforted because You promised that You would never leave me. Teach me, Lord, what it means to be loyal as You are loyal. Teach me, Lord, what it is to love as You love. Lord, I wish that I could sit here and talk to You until eternity, but one thing I realize, Lord, is that I should have been this honest and earnest with You before I committed my terrible acts. Thank You, Lord, for allowing Tiffany to remind me that I should come to You with all my problems. For if I had come to You sooner, I would not be in this situation. Lord, I realize that I am one big perpetual screw-up when it comes to adultery, but there is a child inside of Toni. Lord, somewhere in the midst of all that has happened I know that Satan played a part in my sin that has now blossomed out of control. But Lord, Satan cannot create life. You and only You, Lord, can create life. Although I don’t fully understand it now, Lord, I know that You allowed Toni to become pregnant for a reason. Satan was behind it, but You, Lord, saw fit to allow the pregnancy to happen, and in time I know that I will understand why. But for now, I pray that You protect Toni and the baby. Lord, let that baby grow up healthy and strong so that whether boy or girl it can grow up to serve You. Lord, as I end this prayer, I want to say that I am so sorry for what I have done. Lord, I want to ask You to please have mercy on me and somehow forgive me. And Lord, please help me with my struggles. Most importantly, Lord, comfort Nicole throughout this whole ordeal. Lord, help me and teach me to change and to know what it is like to love as You love. In Your son’s great name, Jesus Christ, I pray all these things. Amen.”

  When I was done praying, I sat on the floor and just meditated in the dark. Since this whole ordeal began to unravel, I’d never felt as peaceful as I did after that prayer.

  When I was done meditating, I made my way back upstairs and into my bedroom. Nicole looked so peaceful and beautiful as she slept. I knew that telling her what I had to tell her would be as difficult as driving a knife through her heart, but I had to do it.

  TWENTY-SIX

  The last time that I had butterflies this bad had to be the night before my high school city championship basketball game. It’s ironic that Nicole was a cheerleader in that game. In fact, it was Nicole, my high school sweetheart, who told me to relax and concentrate just before I took the game-winning free throws.

  My current real-life crisis far exceeded the pressure and drama of any high school basketball game, and I definitely wouldn’t have Nicole in my corner cheering me on. I made those two game-winning free throws the day my high school won the city championship, but the question now was how I was gonna fare in the present moment under the intense pressure of admitting to adultery.

  For the most part, I’d been holding up well throughout the day. I’d already called N
icole at work and told her that Tiffany would be coming by for dinner. Nicole didn’t object. As a matter of fact, she was kind of annoyed that I would even go out of my way to call her and tell her that Tiffany was coming over. See, she and Tiffany are pretty close, so Tiffany could drop by unannounced anytime she felt like it. I knew Nicole wouldn’t object to Tiffany coming over, however, I was just trying to cover all of my bases. I didn’t want this to be a night where Nicole decided to go to the mall after work or what have you.

  When I got home, I was crazy antsy, but I remembered my sister’s words, so every time my anxiety became overwhelming, I began to pray. The prayer therapy was working, but I decided to cook in order to keep myself busy to keep my mind off the adulterous topic. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cooked dinner for Nicole. I didn’t go all out with a gourmet meal, but I made baked chicken wings, baked potatoes, and some broccoli.

  By the time 6:45 rolled around, Nicole was walking through the door. My heart was pounding as I greeted her with a hug and a kiss. I took her jacket and put it on a hanger.

  “Lance, what’s that smell? It smells like food.”

  I chuckled and said, “It is food.”

  Nicole sarcastically replied, “No, but I mean it smells like it’s coming from this house.”

  “Baby, stop playing. I decided to cook today,” I informed her.

  Nicole’s mouth dropped wide open as she walked toward the kitchen to confirm the unbelievable. Before I knew it, I heard a scream come from the kitchen. I ran to see what was going on. When I reached the kitchen Nicole was smiling and standing with her arms wide open, waiting for a hug. After the hug, Nicole expressed her gratitude for me having helped out with dinner. Then she became suspicious. “Okay, so what’s the occasion?” Nicole asked.

  I was still feeling nervous as I said, “Why does it have to be an occasion? I’m sayin’, I just felt like cooking for you today.”

  Nicole informed me that she was going to change her clothes, but before she left the kitchen, she said, “Lance, I know something is going on. You haven’t cooked dinner in I don’t know how long, plus your sister is coming over. Do you want to tell me now and get it over with?”

  My heart was in the bottom of my stomach, but I side-stepped everything. I slapped Nicole on her butt and said, “Nicole, just go and change your clothes. I’m sayin’, can’t a brotha cook for his wife once in a while?”

  When Nicole left the room, I immediately grabbed the phone and called Tiffany. I frantically instructed her to hustle her butt over to my house so I wouldn’t lose the nerve to spill my guts. My sister pleaded with me to calm down, and she informed me that she would be at my house within the next half hour.

  While I waited for Tiffany to get there, I began to think about how I was going to spill the beans. I rehearsed comments in my head, but nothing was coming out the way I wanted it to sound. Thinking of what to say and how to say it was really making me nervous. I decided to just block that issue out of my mind as I realized the best thing to do would be to concentrate and remain calm.

  When Nicole returned to the kitchen, she walked up to me and gave me a kiss. She also took my hand and suggestively put it inside her pants. I don’t know why I was shocked by Nicole’s actions, but I was. Feeling as though I was doing something wrong, I snatched my hand away.

  Nicole frowned and asked what was wrong.

  “Nothing,” I quickly replied.

  “Well, why did you pull your hand away like that?”

  “Oh, because I want to hurry and fix LL’s plate so he can eat his food now.”

  “Lance, why don’t you just let LL eat with us? Tiffany is still coming over, right?”

  At that point, I told Nicole that I didn’t want LL to eat with us, the reason being that tonight I wanted to tell her what it was I had to discuss with her.

  As I prepared to fix LL’s plate, Nicole came close to me and kissed me on the neck. She was trying to get frisky, but sex was far from my mind. I mean as nervous as I was, I probably wouldn’t have been able to get it up anyway.

  I was glad that Nicole was behaving frisky because that took her mind off asking me about what we were going to discuss. Nicole whispered in my ear that she had been thinking about me all day long. She then kissed me and playfully told me how turned on she gets when she sees her man making his way around the kitchen.

  Nicole had on sweatpants and bare feet. That combination usually turned me on like crazy. Normally, with the way Nicole was dressed, coupled with the way she was coming on to me, we would have been in our bedroom with the door locked and going at it like two horny rabbits. But at that present time I was functioning only on one track like I had tunnel vision. I kept declining my wife’s advances, and I quickly got LL’s food.

  I called LL into the kitchen and informed him that it was time to eat. While he was eating, I made sure to remove myself from the kitchen. I went upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door. I was trying to stall and give my sister time to get there. While I was in the bathroom, I sat at the edge of the tub and said another prayer for courage.

  When I was done praying, I sat in the bathroom, and again I tried to rehearse what I was gonna say and how I was gonna say it. While I was pondering, I heard Nicole laughing and talking real loud. She sounded like she was having one of those sista-girl conversations. I knew that could only mean one thing. I made my way out of the bathroom and downstairs where I saw Tiffany and Nicole talking.

  “What’s up, sis’?” I asked.

  Although Tiffany had only been in our house for about two minutes, she was heavy into dialogue with Nicole, and she basically paid me no mind.

  I yelled, “Hello, Tiffany.”

  Realizing that I had been trying to get her attention, Tiffany stopped in mid-stride of her conversation and began laughing as she said, “Oh, Lance, I’m sorry. How you doing?”

  I smiled and shook my head as I said, “I’m fine, but man. . . . How on earth could the two of y’all be into such a deep conversation that quick?”

  The three of us began laughing. With a million butterflies floating around in my stomach, I suggested we go to the kitchen and start eating. LL was basically playing with his food, and I wanted to tell him that he could leave, but Nikki beat me to the punch. She yelled at him and told him that he couldn’t leave the table until he had eaten everything, broccoli and all.

  So as LL toyed with his meal, Tiffany and I sat at the table and Nicole politely fixed our plates for us. When we were all sitting, I said grace, and we began to eat. Tiffany began to talk about how stressful her job as a schoolteacher was. I was glad that the ice had been broken in that manner because it allowed things to flow naturally. Before I knew it, Nicole began talking about events that happened on her job. Just that quick the two of them were again engrossed into another lively conversation.

  I let the two of them converse, and I tried to eat, but I was behaving worse than LL. I was so nervous that I couldn’t even eat. When there was a pause in Nicole’s conversation, she sort of noticed my nervousness and commented on the way I was handling my food.

  Nicole said, “Lance, you’re acting worse than LL with the way you’re playing with that food.” Then she joked and asked if my own cooking was so bad that I couldn’t even eat it.

  Realizing that it was time to get serious, I didn’t laugh or acknowledge my wife’s joke. I told LL he didn’t have to finish his food and that he was excused to go to his room and play. LL knew he had to quickly capitalize on that opportunity, so he didn’t hesitate. He bolted from the table and made his way to his room. With LL out of the way, I told myself, “Now or never.”

  My heart was pounding, and my hands were ice cold. My palms were extremely sweaty. I pushed my chair away from the table and looked toward the floor. After bracing myself, I spoke up.

  “Nicole, I know that I’ve been hinting to you that I have something to tell you, and I’m about to tell you right now.” I wanted to be a man and look Nicole in her eyes, but
I knew that if I did, then I would surely break down and start weeping.

  The room was silent, and all eyes were on me. Although my heart was pounding, it was as if I could hear Nicole’s heart rate beginning to pick up as well.

  I inhaled very deeply. And after slowly exhaling I began to talk. “Nicole, before I say anything, let me start by saying that I love you, and you mean everything to me.”

  Nicole started to get nervous as she apprehensively asked, “Lance, what is going on? Just spit it out. Tell me what’s up.”

  Still beating around the bush, I said, “Nicole, I already told Tiffany, and the only reason that she’s here is because I didn’t know how you would react to what it is that I have to tell you.”

  Nicole started to get ticked off, and she said in a stern tone, “Lance, spit it out. Stop stringing me along.”

  I finally mustered up enough courage to look Nicole in her face. She had the most concerned look that I had ever seen in my life. I could see her chest rising up and down as she was nervously but eagerly anticipating what I had to say. Tears came to my eyes, and I went back to looking at the kitchen floor. As I shook my head, I simultaneously rubbed it with my left palm.

  Nicole then began to raise her voice as she asked, “Lance, what’s wrong? Did you get diagnosed with some sickness? No, wait a minute, did somebody we know pass away? Lance, you’re driving me crazy. Just tell me what’s going on.”

  Through my tears and while looking toward the white tiled kitchen floor, I mumbled, “A’ight. Oh man Oh God . . . Nicole . . . baby . . . I cheated on you.”

  Nicole screamed out, “What? Lance, what did you say? Speak clearly. I can’t hear you if you’re mumbling.”