Dogism

by Mark Anthony

  Again my wife blew air into the phone’s receiver. I knew she probably had a million and one thoughts running through her head. I had already said my piece, and I didn’t want to annoy Nicole by keeping her on the phone.

  “Nicole, I’m not gonna keep you on the phone any longer. But I just want to tell you this one last thing.” My voice cracked with emotion as I said, “Again, Nicole, I know what I did was horrible, and I can only imagine the pain that you feel. I wish that I could change the past, but I can’t. All I know is that I can try my hardest to positively affect the future. Nicole, I’m sorry for putting you through this, and if it takes fifty years for you to forgive me, I’ll understand. I mean even if you never forgive me I’ll understand. But baby, I say this with the fullest sincerity, God doesn’t make women like you anymore. Honey, I know that I’ve thrown away the best thing that this side of life has to offer me, which was having you as a lifetime mate. But Nicole, please . . . please, no matter what happens, please let me continue to be a part of my son’s life. Please.”

  Nicole responded to me in a very soft and gentle tone. She sounded as if she was beginning to develop a sense of closure. “Lance, I’m gonna hang up by saying this. I believe what you’ve told me, and I’m glad that you told me all of this. I do wish you hadn’t waited so long to tell me, but I mean, I guess now that’s neither here nor there.” Nicole paused then she added, “LL should never get caught up in our problems. You know that I’m a rational person, so don’t worry about me removing him from your life. That wouldn’t be fair to him.”

  I smiled as I thanked my wife. After I hung up the phone, I regretted that I hadn’t ended the conversation by telling Nicole that I loved her. For all I knew that could probably have been the very last time I would have had the opportunity to tell her that.

  Anyway, after hanging up the phone, I got dressed. I was in the best mood that I had been in in weeks. I walked into the living room, and I let Tiffany know that I was stepping out for a minute. Tiffany acknowledged me. I also told Naomi that it had been nice meeting her. She smiled and said likewise. I made sure not to flirt with Naomi, and I kept it moving as I walked out of the house. I realized how easy it was for me to exercise self-control if I just simply focused.

  Still feeling as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders, I jumped in my Lexus and I blasted music as I cruised the streets of Queens. The radio blared, and as I listened to FunkMaster Flex spin on the ones and twos, I felt so elated.

  Yeah, the music was slammin’, but I was elated because finally, a huge floodlight was placed into my dark closet of skeletons. True was the fact that my marriage was practically shipwrecked, but I felt like at least I had managed to fight off the angry waves and was able to make it to the peaceful shore.

  TWENTY-NINE

  I had made plans to hang out with Steve on Saturday so that we could go to this comedy/jazz club. When Saturday arrived, I found myself at Steve’s crib. It had been a mad long time since the two of us hung out. I took the blame for that. Anyway, as Steve was getting dressed, I began to fill him in on all that had been transpiring between Nicole and myself. Steve was adamant about the fact that I should have never told Nicole about the baby and that I should have just gone through with the divorce.

  I explained that I was trying to turn over a new leaf. I let him know that my new leaf would no longer contain the drama, lies, and deception of old. Unfortunately, I didn’t get any encouragement from Steve.

  His outlook on the situation was somber. He asked, “Lance, do you like having money in your pocket?”

  “Of course,” I replied. “Who doesn’t?”

  Steve added, “Well, you certainly must not because you’re gonna be a broke man in about six months to a year.”

  I knew exactly where Steve was going with his line of thinking.

  He continued, “First of all, you know all that money that you have in stocks and in that 401 (k) crap?”

  “Yeah, what about it?”

  Steve explained, “Well, Nicole gets half of that. Oh yeah, and that nice house that you have in Cambria Heights, guess what?”

  Sarcastically I asked, “What, Steve?”

  “Oh, nothing really, I mean I just wanted to let you know that you will no longer be living there. That goes to Nicole as well. You’ll probably be living in some one-room flat. Lance, you’re gonna be mad as hell when you go to visit your son and you see some big-belly nigga with crusty feet laying up in the bed that you used to sleep in.”

  “Anything else, Steve?”

  Steve replied, “Oh yeah. Um, those fat paychecks that you’re used to, well they’re going to get small very quickly. Nicole will be getting something like seventeen percent of your paycheck for LL. And that bad chick, uh, I think her name is Toni. Yeah, that’s it. Well, when she spits out that kid, she’ll also be getting seventeen percent of your check. That money comes straight off the top. It goes directly from Con Edison and right into their bank accounts before you even see it.”

  “Yeah, whateva. All I know is that I’m not even thinking about that. I’m sayin’, like I told you before, I’m turning over a new leaf. But Steve, you know what? With everything that’s been going on, I’ve still never felt so peaceful in all my life.”

  After I said that, Steve began laughing with this loud, long, drawn-out laugh. He sounded like he was some wino on the street corner who was hoarse and trying to cough up phlegm.

  Through his laughter, Steve replied, “Peaceful? Nigga when them pockets get empty, we’ll see how peaceful you are. All I know is that Toni was one expensive piece of butt. Man, you’re gonna be paying for them few nights of booty for the next eighteen years. You better start getting Scarlet to hit you off with some cash because you are definitely gonna need it in a minute.”

  Steve just didn’t get it. He didn’t fully understand that I was done with the cheating and the lies and the deception and the strip clubs and all of that. I was completely done with it all, including Scarlet.

  Steve continued his laughter as he added, “Lance, you’re gonna be just like the rest of those New York cats. Yeah, you’re gonna be riding around flossing in a fifty-thousand-dollar car but you’re gonna be broke as hell living in a one-bedroom basement apartment.”

  With more sarcasm I remarked that we didn’t have to go to the comedy/jazz club, for the simple fact that Steve was funnier than any comedian we were gonna see. Steve added a few more of his one-liners, but we finally did manage to depart for the club. Before we got there, I made sure to tell myself to keep the right focus for the evening. During the entire ride to Manhattan, I kept telling myself, Lance, have some self-control tonight.

  When we reached the club, there was no doubt that the honeys were in full fly mode. The jazz music made the atmosphere on point. The club was definitely a prime stomping ground for picking up a couple of high-maintenance chicks. And Steve was true to form with his game. As soon as we stepped into the place, he found himself at the bar buying a drink for some bad-ass-looking chick.

  I just parlayed and did my own thing. I even surprised myself when I ordered a plain orange juice. I just didn’t want to get alcohol flowing through my body. I knew that if I were to start drinking, I would quickly loosen up and start doing things I would live to regret. I was trying hard to maintain, and at the same time I was thinking, What the hell am I even doing in here?

  It was places like this one, along with the parties and the hanging out until the wee hours of the morning without Nicole, that had added to my doggish mentality.

  Thankfully, the comedians were very funny, so they took my attention away from all of the good-looking women.

  Before long, the club started to get too smoky from all of the cigarette smoke, and I really wanted to bounce. I couldn’t fake it. I mean, my mind just wasn’t feeling that playa nonsense. I hated playing party pooper, especially considering that we had only been there for about a little more than an hour. Although I knew Steve wouldn’t be ready to leav
e, I didn’t care because I had had enough, and I was ready to bounce.

  I spotted Steve coming toward me with this Mack daddy, big baller look in his eyes. When he reached me he was like, “Yo, Lance, you see those two chicks over there, the ones with the white high heels on?”

  “Yeah. What about them?”

  “Yo, playa, I’m sayin’, the one on the right is all on my biznalls! And yo, her friend was checking you out, so I’m sayin’ go kick it to her, get the digits from her. I think we can probably take them both back to my crib and hit that tonight. You know what I’m sayin’?”

  Steve held out his fist for a pound. I didn’t acknowledge his hand, and I replied, “Yo, Steve, shorty has definitely got it going on, but I’m just trying to maintain right now. Matter of fact, I was thinking about bouncing up outta here.”

  In disbelief, Steve replied, “What? Yo, do you see the thickness on those chicks? And you ready to leave? Man Lance, are you crazy? Yo, you better hurry up and get over that Toni and Nicole nonsense.”

  Steve looked at me and waited for a response, but I simply ignored him.

  After sighing in disgust, Steve angrily said, “Man, I’m sayin’, I ain’t leaving, so if you wanna act like a homo then go right ahead, but you gonna have to bounce on your own.”

  I was sitting at a small lounge table, and I took one of the toothpicks from the dispenser that was on the table. I slowly placed the toothpick inside my mouth, and I twirled it around. I contemplated what I should do. I looked over at the chick Steve was talking about, and I confirmed that she definitely had it going on. She was thick in all the right places, and she looked good. She waved at me, and I knew that was my cue to get up and go over and kick it to her. So I exhaled and stood up. . . .

  “Yo, Steve, I’m out, kid.”

  “What? Lance, I’m sayin’, at least go speak to her. You’re gonna make me look bad in front of them.”

  As I made my way to the coat check, I looked at Steve and said to him, “You’ll be a’ight. Just tell shorty that I’m a married man.”

  After retrieving my coat, I headed out the door. Steve replied, “Ah, man! See that’s that BS. Nigga, what’s wrong with you?”

  I paid him no mind. I kept my focus, and I kept on walking. I was in midtown Manhattan and being that I had ridden to the club in Steve’s car, there was no way that I was gonna hop on a train at such a late time of night. Although it was gonna be expensive, I attempted to hail down a yellow cab. When one stopped to pick me up, I asked how much would it be to take a brotha to Queens. I could barely understand the foreign cabdriver’s accent, but it sounded like he said fifty dollars. I had a feeling that the fare would be in that range, so I just hopped in the cab and headed to Steve’s house.

  When we reached Queens, I directed the cabdriver to Steve’s house. I paid him the fifty bucks, and I jumped into my Lexus and headed back to Tiffany’s crib, taking the scenic route, which led me past my house in Cambria Heights. When I drove down my block, I really wanted to just park the car and go inside my house and cuddle up next to my wife. I couldn’t remember the last time that Nicole and I had made love.

  I pulled up in front of the house, and I noticed that all of the lights were off. The house was in total darkness. “Nah.” I decided against going inside. I didn’t want to wake up anyone.

  I chuckled as I imagined myself walking into the house and trying to sneak into the bed with Nicole, only to be confronted by LL and his toy sword. I chuckled once more, then I shook my head in sorrow. Yeah, it was like one o’clock in the morning, so I decided to just head to Tiffany’s and call it a night.

  When I reached Tiffany’s, I made sure to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake anyone. From the time that I started staying at Tiffany’s I’d been sleeping on the sofa bed in her living room. So after I took off my clothes and brushed my teeth and took a shower, I made my way to the living room. As I attempted to open up the bed, I saw a note that was left for me on the cushion of the couch. I picked it up and read it:

  Lance,

  Nicole called around ten-thirty tonight. She told me to tell you that she expects to see you in church in the morning.

  Good night.

  Love,

  Tiff

  I was overwhelmed with joy after reading that note. I realized that I desperately needed to be going to church, especially considering that I hadn’t been since I’d told Nicole about Toni’s pregnancy. I guess I’d kinda forgot about worshipping God. Or should I say, I stopped going to church because I feared the embarrassment that I would feel from having my business publicly exposed?. I was sure that by now Nicole had let someone in the church know what was going on between us. Even if Nicole had only told one person in the church, that would have been the same as telling the entire congregation. I say that because, that one person would turn around and say to someone else, “Keep this between you and me, but guess what happened between Nicole and Lance?” Then that someone else would turn around and say to someone else, “I shouldn’t be telling you this so make sure that you keep this between you and me, but guess what happened between Nicole and Lance?”

  As I continued to prepare my bed, I thought about not facing up to the embarrassment of seeing church members. Then I quickly realized that all my life I’d been afraid of being exposed. In fact, it was that fear of exposure that helped wreak such havoc on my sexuality.

  I paused and thought for a moment. I pondered about how exposure to air helps to heal wounds. If a wound is consistently hidden under a Band-Aid then it leaves the sore less of a chance of ever developing a scab. Without exposure, an ugly scab would not form, and if there is no scab, then proper healing cannot take place. I needed to forget about using Band-Aids in my life, those Band-Aids of two-faced living. So what if I’m exposed? I thought. At least I’ll be free.

  I sighed and convinced myself to be like a sore that was in need of exposure. I continued to talk to myself as I said, “Lance, go to church so you can help that scab to form and begin the true healing process.”

  Before I laid my head on the pillow of the sofa bed, I got on my knees and prayed to God. I just thanked Him for so much, and I repented for so much wrongdoing. I especially made sure to thank God for sending me my own angel in the form of Nicole.

  As I waited to fall asleep, I realized that what separated Nicole from all of the other women that I’d either been with or fantasized about being with was that Nicole always held my best interest close to her heart like no other person could or would attempt to do. Even with everything we’d been going through, my wife was still willing to put her pride aside in an effort to ensure that I wouldn’t turn my back on God at a time when I needed Him most.

  Man, I just wished that I hadn’t screwed up such a good thing.

  THIRTY

  I purposely arrived to church ten minutes late. The reason being, I didn’t want to have to answer a million questions from people who hadn’t seen me in a while. I also arrived late because I wanted to sit toward the back. Although I didn’t know what kind of reception I was going to get from Nicole, I still felt very good about coming to church.

  When I walked through the doors, I immediately saw a brother I knew. Like I’d guessed, he started right away with the questions. He wanted to know where I’d been and if everything was alright between Nicole and me. In a polite manner, I brushed him off by telling him that I would get with him later. As I continued to make my way to the pews I saw another cat I knew. He wasn’t in close proximity to me so he put his fingers to his mouth and ear, signaling that he wanted me to call him. I nodded and just walked to my seat.

  When I reached it, I looked in the direction of where I usually sat, and there I saw Nicole. She was sitting in the exact same row and the exact same seat that she usually sits in. LL was seated to the left of her. Someone was missing from that picture, and I knew it was me. I contemplated taking a seat next to Nicole, but I just didn’t know if she wanted me to be next to her. I mean, yeah, she’d requested that I
come to church, but that didn’t necessarily mean she wanted to be seated next to me.

  Five minutes went by, and I realized I wasn’t paying any attention to the church service. My mind was completely distracted by Nicole’s presence. I braced myself, blew some air from my cheeks, and proceeded to make my way to my normal seat. When I reached the pew that Nicole was in, I tapped her on the shoulder to request that she scoot over and make more room for big daddy.

  Nicole’s face lit up with a smile as did LL’s. He waved and excitedly whispered, “Hi, Daddy.”

  I smiled, then I stuck out my hand for LL to slap me five. Whispering, I asked him, “What’s up?”

  LL excitedly asked his mother if he could sit right next to me. Nicole complied, and LL planted himself right smack in the middle of me and Nicole. LL used his left hand to grasp my right one, and with his right hand he took hold of his mother’s left one. LL’s legs weren’t long enough to reach the ground, so as he sat he freely swung his legs back and forth. I knew exactly what LL was trying to do. It’s so funny how kids instinctively know what love is. They are smart enough to realize when the love between their parents is fading and when it’s peaking. LL was doing his best to bring the love between his parents to its highest point.

  Nicole reached over LL, and she planted a kiss on my cheek. Goose bumps ran up and down my body. My wife whispered and said, “I thought you weren’t gonna make it.”

  I smiled and said, “Nah. I’m here.”

  After that kiss on the cheek, I felt so relieved. Throughout the service I felt as if I was on cloud nine. Sadly, I don’t remember what the pastor was preaching about, but I really didn’t sweat it. I was more concerned as to what would happen once the service was over. One thing that I was going to suggest was that Nicole and I take LL to get some ice cream. I knew that if I asked Nicole right in front of LL, she would be hard pressed to say no. After all, she was the one who told me that LL shouldn’t get caught up in the middle of our problems.