Dogism

by Mark Anthony

  The service finally ended, and as everyone stood and gathered themselves and their belongings in preparation to leave, I sprung the question on Nicole.

  Making sure that LL was in good earshot, I spoke very loud and clear. “Nicole, I don’t know what you had planned for later, but I was thinking that we should take LL to go get some ice cream.”

  Nicole looked at me with this sly look because she knew that I had put her on the spot. LL helped my cause by pleading with his mother to accept my invitation. As Nicole adjusted her overcoat, she took about ten seconds before she replied, however, she did accept the invitation.

  I wanted to take both Nicole and LL by the hand and lead them out of the church, but at the same time I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries. Nicole seemed to be in a good mood as she smiled and spoke to the brothers and sisters of the congregation. As people came up to me asking me how I was doing and where I’d been, I gave them all generic responses.

  I brushed everyone off as I would reply, “Oh, I’ve been alright. I mean, I have been going through a few rough things, but God is working everything out. I’ll be okay, but hey, listen, thanks for asking. I can’t really talk right now, so I’ll catch you later.”

  Nicole and I both made our way out of the church at the same time. As we stood on the church steps, I told Nicole we should take LL to the Carvel’s on Jamaica Avenue. She didn’t object as she told me that she would follow me in her car. So together we made our way to the church parking lot, and we got in our cars and headed out.

  When we reached Carvel’s and were walking to the entrance, LL continued in his role of matchmaker as he said, “Daddy, hold Mommy’s hand.”

  Feeling uneasy, I replied, “LL, we’re almost inside the store.”

  LL knew that I was trying to duck his command, so he grabbed my hand and pulled it toward Nicole’s until they touched. Although I felt uncomfortable, I had to look at Nicole and smile. She returned it with one of her own, and we walked into Carvel’s hand in hand. Nicole’s hand had never felt better.

  The two of us stood in line holding hands while trying to decide what we were gonna order. Nicole and I both probably wanted to make it seem as if we were only holding hands to please LL, but if we both had to confess the truth, I’m sure we would have both admitted that it was very therapeutic.

  When we were done ordering, and the lady was handing us our ice cream, I thought about how clumsy LL was. Being that I was in such a good mood, I could have cared less if he dropped his ice cream cone ten times. But surprisingly LL was good. Not only did he not drop his cone, but on the way to our seats, LL managed to properly lick it without spilling anything.

  Nicole and I had soft vanilla sundaes. Our toppings included strawberries, strawberry glaze, walnuts, and rainbow sprinkles. As we ate, I joked with LL so I could ease the tension of feeling forced to speak to Nicole. But to my surprise Nicole began a conversation with me.

  “Yeah, Lance, like I said, I didn’t think that you would show up. I didn’t see you when church started, and I know that you’re never late.”

  I answered, “Well, to tell you the truth, I came late on purpose. I just didn’t wanna have to answer any questions from people.”

  Nicole nodded as she placed some ice cream into her mouth. When she’d swallowed the strawberries, she looked at me and said, “Lance, I wanted you to come to church because there are some things that I wanted to discuss with you.”

  My nerves were instantly on edge as I asked, “Things like what?”

  Nicole looked at LL, and she told me that she didn’t want to talk in front of him. Once she said that, I knew that she probably wanted to talk in terms of a divorce or legal separation. It had to be something to that effect.

  Nicole continued, “Lance, I already cooked, so when we leave here just come by the house and we can talk then.”

  When we were done eating our ice cream, I decided to buy some more for LL to put in the freezer at home. Nicole advised me that he didn’t need it, but I was like, he’s a kid, let him enjoy innocent things like ice cream. Besides, I was also thinking that it would probably be a while before I would again get the chance to do something nice for my son.

  I purchased three quarts of ice cream for LL, and I had the lady behind the counter put it in a bag for him. LL was extremely excited. I handed him the bag, and I instructed him that he was not to rush and eat all of the ice cream in a day or two. I told LL that I wanted him to make the ice cream last for at least two weeks. LL gave me his word that he would.

  The three of us made our way out of the store, and LL asked his mother if he could ride with me. Nicole had no problem with it, so LL jumped in the Lexus and we navigated our way to Cambria Heights.

  As we drove, LL asked, “Daddy, are you coming back home today?”

  I turned down the music and said, “LL, I’m gonna eat dinner with you and your mother, but after that I have to leave. I already told you that I would love to stay, but I can’t. It’s not up to me.”

  LL slumped and pouted in his seat while simultaneously crossing his arms. I informed him that I was sorry but there was nothing I could do. I relayed to LL that he probably wouldn’t understand everything that was going on until he was older.

  LL and I reached the house about a minute before Nicole. As I made my way to the front door of my crib, I felt like I was one of Jesus’ disciples marching to the last supper or something. LL asked me if I would play video games with him, but I declined. Being that it was Sunday, I suggested that LL and I watch football together. LL was elated over the idea, which made me feel good because I knew that athletically, he would follow in his daddy’s footsteps.

  As LL and I talked about football, Nicole made her way up to her bedroom, and she hollered for me to come up to the room. I told LL to hold his football questions and that we would continue our conversation in a minute.

  When I reached the bedroom I saw Nicole taking off her clothes. She was preparing to change into something more comfortable. It was bugged because I felt like I was doing something wrong by seeing her naked. Nicole even suggested that I take off my suit and relax. I had to remind myself that I did have a whole wardrobe of clothing in the closet. It was weird, but I was just feeling like a total stranger in my own home.

  As I changed my clothes, Nicole advised me that the food was ready if I wanted to eat. However, I suggested that we wait being that the ice cream had probably messed up our appetites. Plus, it was only one o’clock in the afternoon, which meant that even for a Sunday it was way too early to be eating dinner.

  Feeling like I should just ask for my whipping in order to just get it out of the way, I asked Nicole if she wanted to talk. We were in the privacy of our bedroom, so she replied that it was indeed a good time to talk. I knew that LL was waiting for me so I yelled to him that I would be a while. I closed the door to the bedroom, and Nicole and I both sat on the bed in our sweatpants, tee shirts, and tube socks. Nicole played with a piece of loose thread that was on the bed sheets, and before I could blink, she was in tears.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?” I asked.

  Nicole wiped her tears and sighed. Then she said, “Lance, it’s just so hard. Every time I think of the fact that you got someone else pregnant, I just break down and start crying.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I mean, I understood the harsh reality of what I’d done, but I didn’t know what to say. I remained silent because I knew that it was healthy for Nicole to get all of her emotions out.

  Nicole continued to cry as she looked at me and said, “Lance, you don’t know how bad you hurt me. This hurts so, so, sooo bad. You just don’t know.”

  At that point I lost the desire to look Nicole in her eyes as I told her that I was sorry.

  Nicole was beginning to calm down, and she asked, “Lance, do you know how much I love you?”

  “Baby, believe me, I know and I am so sorry, but I can’t change the situation.”

  Nicole shook her head, and she blew some air out
of her mouth as she said, “Lance, I just wish this pain would go away. I really do.”

  Again I remained silent. Nicole continued, “Lance, during the past couple of weeks I’ve been thinking about everything imaginable. Things like the first time we met, the first date we went on, our first kiss, the day LL was born. I even watched our wedding video a couple of times. Lance, with all of the love and memories that we’ve built together . . . I just come to so many tears whenever I think about you taking care of a baby that’s not ours. It probably would’ve been a little bit easier had it just been some kind of one-night-stand type of thing and no baby was involved.”

  “Nicole, believe me, I know how complicated a baby makes this whole situation. Plus, we don’t believe in abortions so . . . And like I said before, I’m willing to accept whatever you want out of me. I realize that I’ve caused all of the pain. I washed away the special love that we’d built together.”

  Nicole paused, and she didn’t say anything. She remained quiet as tears began to form in her eyes. Then she said, “Lance, throughout this whole ordeal I’ve been reading my Bible and praying like I have never prayed before. And it’s like God has helped me to realize a couple of things.

  “I read about King Solomon, the wisest man who ever walked the face of the earth. The ironic thing about King Solomon is that, with all of his wisdom, he married hundreds of women, and he had hundreds of other women as concubines, which God did not approve of. Lance, it’s weird because although King Solomon was very wise, he almost did a very foolish thing. For the sake of his desire to be with many women, he almost forsook his relationship with God. He practically was ready to spit in God’s face despite the fact that God had richly blessed him. Lance, God was angry with King Solomon. But you know what? When King Solomon realized that his actions and his selfishness were hurting God and that he was causing a huge mess, he repented, and he changed his life big time.”

  As I sat and intently listened to my wife, I replied, “Yeah, baby, that’s why King Solomon wrote the book of Ecclesiastes. In that book he was basically repenting of all the wrong he’d done throughout his lifetime.”

  Nicole nodded and said, “Exactly.” Then she added, “Lance, and look at King David . . . The Bible says King David had a heart like that of God’s. Lance, I know that you already know these stories, but I’ve just personally learned so much from them in the past couple of days. But back to King David, here was a man with a heart like God’s, yet he still did wrong by committing adultery with Bathsheba. Lance, he went as far as having Bathsheba’s husband killed. So you know that God was extremely angry with him. However, when King David came to his senses and realized what he’d done, he repented. And Lance, King David wept bitterly about the wrong the he’d done. And you know what? God restored him to his full honor.”

  I nodded in agreement with Nicole as I offered her a half smile. I smiled because in the past Nicole and I had both heard sermons about King David and about King Solomon, so we were both familiar with the stories of the two men. It was bugged that during this trial in our marriage, Nicole and I both had been re-familiarizing ourselves with the sins of the father-and-son patriarchs.

  I let Nicole know that I, too, had been reading and studying a lot about King Solomon and King David during the past few weeks.

  Nicole began to cry as she asked me, “Lance, what is the main message of the gospel of Jesus Christ?”

  Not knowing what Nicole was getting at, I replied, “Well . . . it’s . . . um . . . How should I say it? Well, I’ll put it like this, Jesus died for sinners so that if people believe in him and confess His name as Lord and savior and are willing to repent and begin a new life then He will guarantee them eternal life.”

  Nicole began to weep very hard as she said, “That’s right. Lance, Jesus lived a sinless, perfect life, and yet people brutally murdered him for no reason. But as He was being crucified by the people, He asked His Father to forgive the people who were torturing Him. Jesus asked His Father to forgive them because He knew that those who were crucifying Him really didn’t know and understand what they were doing.”

  I intently looked at Nicole. I was trying hard to understand where she was taking me. Nicole had to know that I already knew the account of Jesus. Through her tears, Nicole added, “Lance, when I think about what you did, I get unbelievably angry. I cry, and all kinds of emotions run through my mind and soul. But then I think about King Solomon and King David and how they made mistakes. I also think about how they were willing to change. Then I look at Jesus, and I see how He is so willing to forgive.”

  As Nicole sighed she said, “Lance, I just want to tell you that I know you’re sorry for what happened. And I know that you really want to change. So Lance, I just want to say that . . . I truly forgive you for what you did. I mean believe me, I don’t know how I’m bringing myself to say this, but I do forgive you, Lance.”

  When I heard those words come out of my wife’s mouth I can’t begin to describe the feelings that ran through my body. I instantly began crying. I grabbed hold of Nicole and I thanked her, and thanked her, and thanked her like there was no tomorrow. The two of us sat hugging and embracing each other, and we soaked our clothes with each other’s tears.

  As we hugged, Nicole, who was teary eyed and all, kinda pushed me away from her and she said, “Lance, I want us to make this marriage work.”

  I cried and shook my head as I told Nicole, “Baby, no. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to have someone as special as you. Just leave me. Really, baby, just leave me. It hurts me like crazy to say and to think this, but I know that there is somebody out there who can make you happier than I can, somebody who wouldn’t put you through what I put you through.”

  Wiping her eyes, Nicole responded, “Lance, I don’t want anyone else. What’s wrong? I said I forgive you.”

  As I continued to cry tears of joy, I replied, “Baby, I don’t deserve to be forgiven.”

  At that moment, Nicole got up from the bed and went to her closet. She seemed as though she was searching for something. When she returned to the bed, she handed me a card and told me to read out loud what was on it. I looked at the card. Very carefully I examined it. I realized that it was from 1-800-FLOWERS that I’d hypocritically sent to Nicole a few months ago.

  “Lance, read that card out loud,” Nicole demanded.

  I fought back tears and I read out loud, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

  I placed the card on the bed and I hugged Nicole and I said, “Thank you. Baby, thank you so much. Thank you.”

  I was overwhelmed with emotion. It was hard for me to even get out those words of thanks as the impact of what I’d just read simply blew me away.

  Nicole held back her tears, and with red puffy eyes, she said, “Lance, a couple of things hit me from the scriptures that are on that card. One thing is that I know that I’m going to have to be extremely patient throughout this whole ordeal. Another thing is the words, Love keeps no record of wrongs.”

  Nicole paused, then she said, “Lance, I know God is helping me to say what I’m about to say, and that is, I love you, and I don’t care what people will think, and I know that everyone will have plenty to say, but Lance as far as I’m concerned, your slate is clean with me. If you truly repent, Lance, and change, then your slate will be clean with God, so therefore, it has to be clean with me.” Nicole took another pause.

  She slowly stroked the bed sheets as she added, “Now I’m not saying that I will never even think about the affair, because to be honest, I’m going to think about it every day. But what I’m saying is that, I’m not gonna be throwing the affair up in your face. Because if I do throw it up in your face, it won’t help things to get any better. Lance, I want
you to know that because of God, I trust you. I am human, so I don’t completely trust right now. But I know that with hard work on both of our parts that I will one day come to the point where I’ll be able to completely trust you one hundred percent. But Lance, I hope that you will persevere through your struggles and weaknesses and try to do the right thing. I also hope that you will trust me and put hope in God. Also, for my sake, hope and pray for me that I will persevere through all of this.”

  Nicole suddenly became silent. She blew out air, and she looked toward the ceiling and repeatedly blinked in an effort to hold back her tears. “Lance, there are many things that we’re gonna have to work out. For example, I don’t ever want to see that child. I mean, I know that you’re gonna have to take care of the kid, but I’m telling you now that I’m not gonna be able to deal with seeing pictures or having the kid in my house for visits and all of that.

  “And as far as Toni is concerned, I know that she might have to call here at times, but I don’t want to speak to her, and I don’t want to see her, especially not in my house. Lance, I know that it’s wrong, but I have so much anger in my heart toward that woman and toward this whole thing in general. I have to ask God to help me out on that.

  “See I’m not saying that I’ll never be able to confront Toni or that I’ll never be able to see the baby. I’m just saying that it’s gonna take time until I feel comfortable enough for that to happen. As a matter of fact, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel totally comfortable being around Toni or the baby. It might take years for that to happen, but that’s just how it’s gonna have to be.

  “Lance, something else that I have to say is I don’t ever want to know the details of the affair. I mean, I actually want to know, but I know that it’s probably best that I never know the intimate details. But I don’t know because my mind flip-flops on that subject. I mean, a part of me needs to know all of the details so that I can put complete closure on the topic. But . . . it’s like I think back to the way you were dancing with Toni at the party we had in May. Lance, I think about you asking me if I had ever cheated on you, and I wonder what exactly was going on then.”