The Little Red Book of Very Dirty Words

by Alexis Munier

  piss-ant, adj.

  insignificant; American

  I might be a piss-ant loser, but your daughter wasn’t complaining last night.

  piss-poor, adj.

  substandard; American

  This Kate Spade knock-off is a piss-poor substitute for the real handbag.

  pissed off, adj.

  upset; American

  I know you’re pissed off that I forgot to pick you up from school today.

  The good news is that Jesus is coming back.The bad news is that

  he’s really pissed off.

  —Bob Hope

  pisser, n.

  a jerk; bummer; toilet; American

  What a pisser that pisser passed out in your pisser.

  pitch a tent, v.

  to get an erection; American

  Trevor pitched a tent in class and everyone noticed— including his bootylicious teacher.

  plank, n.

  a fool; British

  With her track record, only a plank would be in a relationship with her.

  With her track record, only a fool would be in a relationship with her.

  plastered, adj.

  drunk; American

  Let’s buy a couple of wine coolers and get plastered.

  play with oneself, v.

  to masturbate; American

  Shoshana was playing with herself when her boyfriend walked in and joined the game.

  played out, adj.

  unfashionable; no longer cool; American

  I can’t believe you’re going to wear a tight miniskirt . . . that look is so played out.

  player, n.

  a man who goes out or sleeps with many different women; American

  Todd slept with three girls this week? What a player!

  You don’t play a player.

  —Firefly

  plonker, n.

  dummy; British

  If he weren’t such a plonker, Stu would be able to fully appreciate the fit birds with the nice booties at the pub.

  If he weren’t such a dummy, Stu would be able to fully appreciate the sexy girls with the nice booties at the bar.

  pocket nymph, n.

  a sexy, petite girl who one puts in his pocket, brings home, and turns into a sex slave; American

  At the bar there was this little pocket nymph I just wanted to throw in my shirt pocket and declare war on at my place.

  poofy, adj.

  effeminate; British

  Get rid of that poofy moustache. This is the army, not the Blue Oyster Cult.

  Get rid of that effeminate moustache. This is the army, not the Blue Oyster Cult.

  poon/poontang, n.

  pussy; American

  Last night I got so much poontang at the local brothel. That’s why I’m in jail today.

  pop a nut, v.

  to ejaculate; American

  Despite his best intentions, Casey popped his nut inside his girlfriend a little too soon for her taste.

  pop someone’s cherry, v.

  to break the hymen on a virgin’s vagina; American

  Ricky popped his girlfriend’s cherry and it stained the sheets. She made him change them.

  posse, n.

  a group of friends; clique; gang; American

  T-bone and his posse spent the night drinking forties and smoking ganja.

  prairie dog, v.

  to stand up in one’s cubicle and peer out to view any excitement; American

  When the CEO yelled at me, all of the other workers prairie dogged me. It was so embarrassing.

  prannet, n.

  prannet, idiot, tool; British

  He’s such a prannet that he probably needs a road map to find his wife’s vagina.

  He’s such an idiot that he probably needs a road map to find his wife’s vagina.

  prat, n.

  jerk; British

  If you don’t stop acting like a prat, I will never role play as a sexy French maid with a lisp again!

  If you don’t stop acting like a jerk, I will never role play as a sexy French maid with a lisp again!

  You are a pea-brained, prat-faced, pompous, pillock-headed cretin. If you took an intensive course of intelligence injections and studied till you drop, then one day you might make it to moron third class failed.

  —Chef!

  premature ejaculation, n.

  when a man ejaculates before inserting his penis into his partner’s vagina; American

  Brian bought a sybian for his wife to make up for his constant premature ejaculations.

  premature evacuation, n.

  being caught trying to sneak away after a one–night stand; American

  When he didn’t realize how much he had drank and knocked into a wall, Todd woke up the chick he had slept with and suffered a premature evacuation.

  prick, n.

  penis; jerk; American

  Dating Rule #1: Once a prick, always a dick.

  Cobb is a prick. But he sure can hit. God Almighty, that man can hit.

  —Babe Ruth

  prostitot, n.

  an underage girl that dresses like a whore; American

  Mikey’s little sister came in from school with a belly shirt and the shortest skirt ever, looking like a total prostitot.

  pull, v.

  to make out; to hit on; British

  You should try to pull Claire; she’s well up for a bit of you.

  You should try to make out with Claire; she’s totally into you.

  punch up the bracket, v.

  punch in the face; British

  Touch my wife again and you’ll get a punch up the bracket, arsehole!

  Touch my wife again and you’ll get a punch in the face, asshole!

  pussy, n.

  vagina; wimp; American

  Shut up, Dick, and lick my pussy now!

  The Owl looked up to the Stars above And sang to a small guitar, ‘Oh lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love, What a beautiful Pussy you are.’

  —Edward Lear

  pussy-whipped, adj.

  a man or lesbian who does everything their partner wants; American

  His wife makes him cook every night? Dude, Toby is pussy-whipped.

  Q

  quack, n.

  a bad, poorly trained doctor; American

  Oscar needs a hip replacement but won’t let that quack near him.

  queef, n.

  vaginal fart; American

  I was about to go down on Megan until she let out this tiny queef in my face.

  queer, n

  queer, homosexual; American

  No wonder Lee pushed Susanne away when she tried to French him—he’s queer!

  If homosexuality is a disease, let’s all call in queer to work: ‘Hello. Can’t work today, still queer.’

  —Robin Tyler

  quickie, n.

  quick round of sex; American

  Jeremy caught his mom and dad having a quickie in the kitchen. He’s had nightmares ever since.

  With you, never a quickie. Always a longie.

  —Love at First Bite

  R

  rack, n.

  breasts; American

  That’s some rack Marilyn Monroe had, I’ll tell you.

  Top Ten Hollywood Racks

  1. Marilyn Monroe

  2. Scarlett Johansson

  3. Mae West

  4. Salma Hayek

  5. Sophia Loren

  6. Halle Berry

  7. Jane Russell

  8. Tyra Banks

  9. Dolly Parton

  10. Pamela Anderson

  rag on (someone), v.

  to criticize someone; American

  Stop ragging on me, Mom! I said I’d clean my room and I will!

  rainbow kiss, n.

  the act of going down on a woman when she is having her period; American

  I bet vampires have a fetish for giving rainbow kisses.

  randy, adj.

  horny; British

  I’m so randy, I’d fu
ck a horse . . . wait, that’s not how the saying goes.

  I’m so horny, I’d fuck a horse . . . wait, that’s not how the saying goes.

  Let me ask you a question.

  And be honest.

  Do I make you horny, baby? Do I?

  Do I make you randy?

  —Austin Powers:

  The Spy Who Shagged Me

  razz, n.

  puke; British

  Yuck! I’ve still got razz on my pants from that guy who didn’t know his alcohol limits last night.

  Yuck! I’ve still got puke on my pants from that guy who didn’t know his alcohol limits last night.

  restroom, n.

  break room; British

  Take a whiz in the restroom and you’ll be sacked immediately.

  Take a whiz in the break room and you’ll be fired immediately.

  Richard, n.

  poop, turd; British

  Move aside, I’ve got a Richard brewing that’s likely to sound like an atomic bomb when it drops.

  Move aside, I’ve got a turd brewing that’s likely to sound like an atomic bomb when it drops.

  to ride, v.

  to have sex; American

  Watch me ride the entire football team by the end of the season!

  Like you could ride me until my knees buckled. Squeeze me ‘til I pop like warm champagne. That’s not the kind of thing a man forgets.

  —Buffy the Vampire Slayer

  ridin’ dirty, n.

  driving with illegal goods or drugs in one’s car; American

  Don’t let the pigs pull you over when you’re ridin’ dirty or you’ll do jail time.

  If you’re really into ridin’ dirty, check out the classic Grammy-winning Chamillionaire song “Ridin’,” which features rapper Krayzie Jones.

  to rodger, v.

  to have anal sex; British

  Oscar rodgered Bernadette and she couldn’t walk the next day.

  Oscar ass-fucked Bernadette and she couldn’t walk the next day.

  root, v.

  to have sex; Australian

  Avoid the toilets in the park after sundown. There are always a few blokes rooting in there.

  Avoid the toilets in the park after sundown. There are always a few dudes having sex in there.

  ropey, adj.

  ill or sick, often due to liquor; British

  After all that Guinness Alex drank, I’m not surprised he feels ropey.

  After all that Guinness Alex drank, I’m not surprised he feels sick.

  rough, adj.

  ugly; British

  That bird’s as rough as nails, but she’s rich so I see no reason why she couldn’t at least be a sugar momma.

  That girl is ugly as shit, but she’s rich so I see no reason why she couldn’t at least be a sugar momma.

  rub one out, v.

  to jerk off; American

  He was watching a porno and rubbing one out when the power went out.

  rumpy-pumpy, n.

  sex; British

  I would enjoy a nice spot of rumpy-pumpy with her.

  I would like to have sex with her.

  RX:SEX

  A 42-year-old Dublin doctor was accused of malpractice after advising one of his insomniac patients to indulge in a little rumpy-pumpy to help her sleep. “Find a willy and have some sex,” Dr. Ross Shane Ardill apparently told the woman, who later filed a complaint. The good doctor was cleared of all charges.

  ‘Kinky rumpy-pumpy’ is what my sergeant would call it.

  —Inspector Morse

  rusty trombone, n.

  the act of licking a man’s anus while simultaneously reaching around and jerking him off; American

  Violet played the cello beautifully but refused to play the rusty trombone.

  S

  S&M

  sadism and masochism; American

  Jack and Jill may look like the All-American couple, but behind the closed doors of their classic Cape Cod home, they’re totally into S&M.

  SADE & MASOCH

  S&M takes its name from two princes of penis envy, the Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. The Marquis de Sade was a sexually obsessed eighteenth-century writer who glorified the pleasure of inflicting pain on one’s sexual partner in his life as well as in such works as Justine, Juliette, and The 120 Days of Sodom. Arrested more than once for his writing and his actions, Sade spent much of his life in the asylum and prison. The term Sadism comes from the French sadisme, inspired by the Marquis de Sade. The renowned Austrian “Father of Psychoanalysis” Sigmund Freud popularized the term in 1905 in his Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality.

  Von Sacher-Masoch, on the other hand, was a nineteenth-century Austrian journalist, who played out his fantasies of sexual submission at home and on the page. His most famous “novel,” Venus in Furs, tells the story of a man who persuades his wife to treat him as her slave with increasing degradation. (And yes, that eponymous song by The Velvet Undergound was inspired by this book.) The noted Austrian psychiatrist Richard Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing coined the term masochism after von Sacher-Masoch in his acclaimed treatise Psychopathia Sexualis in 1886.

  scat, n.

  sexual activity involving feces; American

  Thanks for your offer to shit on my face but I’ll have to pass—I’m not really into scat.

  schlong, n.

  penis; American

  Jake has a foot-long schlong; I can hardly get it all into my mouth.

  schmuck, n.

  jerk; Yiddish

  Only a real schmuck would schtup your sister at your bar mitzvah.

  DERIVATION: The word schmuck comes from the Yiddish meaning penis.

  Yes, honey.

  The schmuck, who deserves to die, worries about you.

  Sometimes worrying about you feels like a full-time job.

  —Something’s Gotta Give

  schtup, v.

  to have sex; American

  Check out Lili von Schtup in that classic Mel Brooks western, Blazing Saddles.

  DERIVATION: The word schtup comes from the Yiddish meaning to press.

  schwing, interj.

  an expression meaning, roughly, “wow!” (usually used in a sexual context); American

  When the nubile young Nicole walks into a room, every guy thinks, “Schwing!”—but only Davie is lame enough to say it out loud.

  DERIVATION: Popularized in the Wayne’s World films featuring SNL alums Mike Myers and Dana Carvey.

  screw, v.

  to have sex; American

  Paul’s screwing his blonde secretary? How bourgeois!

  My reaction to porno films is as follows:After the first ten minutes, I want to

  go home and screw.

  After the first twenty minutes, I never want to screw again

  as long as I live.

  —Erica Jong

  screw up, v.

  to mess up; American

  When Lonnie screws up, he screws up in a big way.

  That’s why he’s currently incarcerated.

  Have fun, be crazy, be weird.

  Go out and screw up!

  You’re going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process.

  —Anthony Robbins

  scumbag, n.

  jerk; condom; American

  That scumbag Bobby always leaves his used scumbags lying around our dorm room.

  If the First Amendment will protect a scumbag like me, it will protect all of you.

  —Larry Flynt

  see a man about a dog, v.

  to go take a piss; British

  If you’ll excuse me, ladies, I’ve got to see a man about a dog.

  If you’ll excuse me ladies, I’ve got to use the restroom.

  senioritis, n.

  the lack of desire to attend school suffered by high school seniors the spring before graduation; American

  The principal just declared war on senioritis—any senior caught off school grounds during class hours will be suspended.
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  sex, n.

  intercourse; gender; American

  Sex is a favorite extracurricular activity for all sexes.

  Is sex dirty?

  Only if it’s done right.

  —Woody Allen

  sex up, v.

  to glamorize; American

  Sharlene always sexes up her life as a single woman whenever she talks to her married sister in Queens.

  sexting, v.

  sending nude photos via text; American

  Lorraine accidentally sexted four photos of her glorious double-Ds to her boss—instead of her boyfriend. She got a promotion.

  shag, v.

  to have sex; British

  There’s nothing like shagging on a Sunday morning to start the Sabbath off right.

  There’s nothing like fucking on a Sunday morning to start the Sabbath off right.

  TO SHAG AN ENGLISHMAN

  While the French may be known for their romantic ways and the Italians for their hot blood, the British may be the world’s most underrated mates. Though they aren’t known as particularly warm hearted or passionate lovers, recent surveys show they can indeed be counted on for a good shag. According to a Men’s Health survey of over 40,000 men worldwide, British men spend more time on foreplay than any others, including the French and Italians. And, around one third of them say they bring their partner to orgasm every time they do the deed. On the other hand, the British devote only eighteen minutes to sex itself, embarrassingly less than the Mexicans and Dutch. Which explains why the terms “Mexican jumping bean” and “Dutch treat” are still in use . . .

  shake the snake, v.

  to drain the lizard; to pee; British

  This lager’s going straight through me. I’ve got to go shake the snake again.

  This beer’s going straight through me. I’ve got to go drain the lizard again.

  shambles, n.

  a mess; British

  Pete’s marriage wouldn’t be in shambles if he got over his fetish for S&M brothels.