The Little Red Book of Very Dirty Words

by Alexis Munier

  Pete’s marriage wouldn’t be a mess if he got over his fetish for S&M brothels.

  shank, v., n.

  to stab; a makeshift knife; American

  My friend spent a year in prison and almost got shanked by this guy who carved a knife from his toothbrush.

  shed load, n.

  shit load; British

  There’s a shed load of pinched bangers in East London.

  There’s a shit load of stolen cars in East London.

  she-hulk, n.

  a giant, frighteningly veiny penis; American

  I saw Fred in the locker room the other day out of the corner of my eye and his she-hulk hung past his knee; he could have killed me with it.

  shigga digga, interj.

  to show enthusiastic agreement or appreciation; American

  Paul told me this awesome story and said, “Know what I mean, dude?” All I could muster was, “Fuckin’ shigga digga, man.”

  shit, n.

  feces; stuff; jerk; American

  I hated my college roommate Sam—he never cleaned up and left his shit all over the apartment.

  DERIVATION: The word shit comes from the Old English scite, meaning dung.

  Boys, I may not know much, but I know chicken shit from chicken salad.

  —Lyndon B. Johnson

  shit, dawg!, interj.

  an expression meaning, “wow!”; American

  Shit, dawg! You are so fucked now that you got your ass fired.

  shit happens, interj.

  an expression that means, roughly, “that’s life”; American

  The hipster existentialist says with all the wisdom of his sixteen years on earth, “Shit happens, man, because life sucks.”

  You’re young, you’re drunk, you’re in bed, you have knives; shit happens.

  —Angelina Jolie

  shit list, n.

  persona non grata; American

  Her lying, cheating ex-husband will be on Caroline’s shit list for life.

  shit on a stick, adj.

  cool, great, fantastic; British

  You know what was shit on a stick? Bands usually stick the female of the group on any instrument but the guitar, but that fit bird was playing the guitar and rocking out.

  You know what was great? Bands usually stick the female of the group on any instrument but the guitar, but that biddy was playing the guitar and rocking out.

  shit on someone, v.

  shit on someone, to betray someone; British

  Divorce is just one spouse shitting on the other person for the last time—only in court.

  Divorce is just one spouse betraying the other person for the last time—only in court.

  When a man pulls shit on me he is either very brave or very stoned.

  Which one are you?

  —52 Pick Up

  shite, n.

  shit; British

  I was drinking straight shots of Jameson last night. Today, I feel like shite and have had explosive whiskey diarrhea all day.

  I was drinking straight shots of Jack Daniel’s last night. Today, I feel like shit and have been taking whiskey shits all day.

  It’s shite being Scottish!

  We’re the lowest of the low. The scum of the fucking Earth!

  —Trainspotting

  shit-faced, adj.

  drunk; American

  Pete came home totally shit-faced after a night of drinking with his old high school buddies.

  shmonster, n.

  general term for someone who isn’t as good as you; combination of “shmuck” and “monster”; American

  The biddy with the swoops is way too good for that shmonster.

  shoop, v.

  to fuck; American

  Shoop to Barry White—and you’ll shoop some more.

  shoot the shit, v.

  to make small talk; American

  Tom shoots the shit so much on the job that he ends up doing a lot of overtime to catch up—on his employer’s dime.

  shop someone, v.

  to snitch on someone; British

  That little rat shopped me for robbery. I’m going to rip his tongue out!

  That little rat snitched on me for robbery. I’m going to rip his tongue out!

  shout, n.

  round of drinks; British

  Mitch ordered another shout for the fit birds he was trying to seduce. However, he was ordering them O’Doul’s and he soon left the bar that night, sans ladies.

  Mitch ordered another round of drinks for the biddies he was trying to seduce. However, he was ordering them O’Doul’s and he left the bar that night, sans ladies.

  shove off, v.

  to go away; to get lost; British

  Tell that bloke who likes the New York Yankees to shove off—he probably overcompensates for his lack of a big bat by paying for his women with his over-exaggerated salary.

  Tell that dude who likes the New York Yankees to get lost—he probably overcompensates for his lack of a big bat by paying for his women with his over-exaggerated salary.

  shysexual, n.

  someone who shows little or no interest in sex of any kind; American

  Poor Theodore isn’t just shy, he’s shysexual.

  sick, adj.

  slang for cool; American

  If you think that’s a sick monkey, look at this giant alligator—now that’s ill.

  sick, n.

  puke; British

  When Patricia missed the toilet, she left sick all over the bathroom floor.

  When Patricia missed the toilet, she left puke all over the bathroom floor.

  sick as a parrot, adj.

  very disappointed; crushed; British

  Maria was sick as a parrot when her boyfriend told her he had rented Beaches but instead rented Takashi Miike’s Visitor Q.

  Maria was very disappointed when her boyfriend told her he had rented Beaches but instead rented Takashi Miike’s Visitor Q.

  sideways smile, n.

  an ass crack; American

  She bent over in these really low cut jeans and revealed her sideways smile to the whole place.

  siphon the python, v.

  to pee; British

  I’m going to siphon the python in the alleyway because it’s closer than the bathroom in the restaurant.

  I’m going to pee in the alleyway because it’s closer than the bathroom in the restaurant.

  size queen, n.

  one who places extreme importance on her or his partner’s penis size; American

  Don’t tell a size queen that you’ve got a big dick unless you’re ready to pull down your drawers and prove it.

  skank, n.

  slut; reggae dance; American

  When that skank hit on my husband, I spilled my cosmo all over her Jimmy Choos.

  If that’s not the skank calling the whore a slut.

  —One Tree Hill

  skanky, adj.

  dirty; slutty; American

  Skanky is as skanky does.

  What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt?

  —Knocked Up

  skeet, v.

  to ejaculate; American

  It can be very hard to skeet when you’re drunk off your ass.

  skeevy, adj.

  creepy; American

  When that skeevy guy kept hitting on Pamela, she had her boyfriend the bouncer toss him out of the bar and onto the street.

  skid mark, n.

  shit stain on underwear; American

  Underwear Rule #1: If you’re leaving skid marks, wash your own underwear.

  skin up, v.

  skin up, to roll a joint; British

  I’m way too high to skin up, so you do it, you lazy prick.

  I’m way to high to roll this joint, so you do it, you lazy prick.

  skins, n.

  rolling papers; British

  Pass me the skins and I’ll make us a joint, so we can properly watch Pineapple Express.

  Pass m
e the rolling papers and I’ll make us a joint, so we can properly watch Pineapple Express.

  skive off, v.

  to cut class; British

  Screw geometry class—let’s skive off and smoke some joints in the car park.

  Screw geometry class—let’s cut class and smoke some joints in the parking lot.

  slag, n.

  slut; British

  Ian’s such a loser even the slags won’t chat him up.

  Ian’s such a loser even the sluts won’t talk to him.

  slag someone off, v.

  to bad mouth someone; British

  That bitch keeps slagging me off, so I started a rumor that she was a hermaphrodite and she still had both a penis and a vagina.

  That bitch keeps bad mouthing me, so I started a rumor that she was a hermaphrodite and she still had both a gun and a holster.

  slapper, n.

  slut, ho; British

  Mate, I’m only your friend because your sister is a slapper and I want to shag her.

  Dude, I’m only your friend because your sister is a slut and I want to fuck her.

  Sloane Ranger

  snob; British

  That art exhibit was full of Sloane Rangers drinking champers, but the joke was on them because there wasn’t even any cheese and crackers there.

  That art exhibit was full of snobs drinking champagne, but the joke was on them because there wasn’t even any cheese and crackers there.

  Sloane Rangers get their name from London’s Sloane Square, located in the decidedly posh part of town most of them live in. Also refers to those well-paid individuals who work in the area. Rhymes with Lone Ranger . . . get it?

  slob on someone’s knob, v.

  to give oral sex to a man; British

  In his dreams, Jack’s girlfriend is always slobbing on his knob.

  In his dreams, Jack’s girlfriend is always blowing him.

  sloppy seconds, n.

  the act of having sex with someone after that person has just had sex; American

  If you’re going to have sloppy seconds with someone, you should ask that person to shower first. Or not, if you have a sweat fetish.

  slore, n.

  neologism combining slut and whore; American

  Where does a slore draw the line between prick-tease and prick?

  slurry bucket, n.

  any orifice in which a hand may be inserted; American

  She wanted me to fit my whole hand into the slurry bucket between her legs.

  slut, n.

  a promiscuous woman; American

  Ooh la la! Marie sees every business trip to Paris as a chance to be a slut with style.

  You total slut, you have a crush on him. You’re defending him, you love him, you wanna have, like, ten thousand of his babies.

  —American Beauty

  smiling like a donut, adv.

  opening one’s mouth wide to perform oral sex on a man; American

  She smiled like a donut, but she really didn’t have to because Harry had a really little dick.

  smiling like a fish, adv.

  opening one’s mouth to perform oral sex; American

  After a long night of smiling like a fish, our jaws were sore—but our privates were happy.

  snatch, n.

  vagina; American

  That loser Larry is on the prowl for snatch every night—and every night he comes home empty-snatched.

  snowball, v.

  when after a blowjob, someone spits the cum into either the ejaculator’s or someone else’s mouth; American

  I came in my girlfriend’s mouth, and as a prank, she kissed my roommate and snowballed him. He subsequently never looked at either one of us the same way again.

  After he gets a blowjob he likes to have it spit back into his mouth while kissing— it’s called snowballing.

  —Clerks

  soft lad, n.

  softie (negative); queer; British

  If you’re a greenhorn and a soft lad on Deadliest Catch, you are more than likely going to be rightfully berated and eventually fired.

  If you’re a greenhorn and a softie on Deadliest Catch, you are more than likely going to be rightfully berated and eventually fired.

  spank the monkey, v.

  to masturbate; American

  Clarence couldn’t answer the phone because he was spanking the monkey.

  spare, adj.

  at wits end; crazy; British

  Charlie’s parents went spare when they found out he was dropping acid, but then mellowed out by smoking from their cannabis supply.

  Charlie’s parents went crazy when they found out he was dropping acid, but then mellowed out by smoking from their cannabis supply.

  spend a penny, v.

  to go the bathroom; British

  Do you need to spend a penny before we set off because last time you pissed yourself?

  Do you need to go to the bathroom before we leave because last time you pissed yourself?

  splash out on something, v.

  to spend a lot of money on something; British

  We splashed out on Manolo Blahnik pumps and then the recession hit. Unfortunately, you can’t eat shoes.

  We spent a lot of money on Manolo Blahnik pumps and then the recession hit. Unfortunately, you can’t eat shoes.

  spliff, n.

  marijuana cigarette; American

  I just scored some kickass weed bro’—let’s grab some beers and roll a spliff down at the lake.

  Well, you don’t roll like,

  big rasta spliff joints, do you? Your joints are like salad joints, not like a big, sloppy, bleeding cheeseburger-that-you-rip-into-kind-of-a-joint joint.

  —Igby Goes Down

  splooge, n.

  semen; American

  Dirk shot his splooge on my tramp stamp last night.

  spotty, adj.

  pimply; British

  Today’s spotty teenager is tomorrow’s Cameron Diaz.

  Today’s pimply teenager is tomorrow’s Cameron Diaz.

  squiffy, adj.

  slightly drunk; British

  When Deloris gets squiffy, she gets very horny— so her husband keeps champagne on ice.

  When Deloris gets slightly drunk, she gets very horny—so her husband keeps champagne on ice.

  squits, n.

  diarrhea; British

  The squits that I just unleashed probably demolished the toilet in that restaurant.

  The diarrhea that I just unleashed probably demolished the toilet in that restaurant.

  stag do, n.

  bachelor party; British

  At Mitch’s stag do, the boys shaved his bollocks and wrote “We Were Here” on them.

  At Mitch’s bachelor party, the boys shaved his balls and wrote “We Were Here” on them.

  stanky, adj.

  stinky, smelly; American

  After ten days stuck at home with the stomach flu, Rob’s apartment was beyond stanky.

  starfish, n.

  anus, asshole; American

  As I was banging her from behind and looking down at her starfish, all I could wonder was if she was into anal.

  STD, n.

  a sexually transmitted disease; American

  I went to this club that was so sketchy that I wouldn’t have been surprised if I contracted an STD just by being in the proximity of the all those douchebags and sluts.

  Stevie girl, n.

  a loud, annoying drunk girl; an attention whore; American

  The other night Cassandra turned into the ultimate Stevie girl and wouldn’t shut up about her “crazy drinking stories.”

  sticky wicket, n.

  sticky wicket, sticky situation; British

  The moment he mentioned his other girlfriend, Charles knew he was in a sticky wicket.

  The moment he mentioned his other girlfriend, Charles knew he was in a sticky situation.

  stitch up, v.

  to con; British

  Chester stitched me up and
left me with the bill for the brothel.

  Chester conned me and left me with the bill for the brothel.

  stonker, n.

  huge thing; British

  My lord! Your knob is a stonker, and might have its own zip code.

  My lord! Your knob is a ginormous, and might have its own zip code.

  straight, adj.

  heterosexual; American

  Are there any straight single guys left in San Francisco?

  Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake—you know, to send the right message to kids.

  —Bill Maher

  stroppy, adj.

  irritating, annoying; British

  Georgina received a stroppy text from her boyfriend about his Asian fetish last night. Georgina is not Asian.

  Georgina received an annoying text from her boyfriend about his Asian fetish last night. Georgina is not Asian.

  stubby, n.

  small glass or bottle of beer; Australian

  I’ll jam that stubby up your ass if you order another, one out of manly principle.

  I’ll jam that small glass of beer up your ass if you order another, one out of manly principle.

  stud muffin, n.

  an attractive, fashionable guy who gets a lot of female attention; similar to pimp-daddy; American

  With his hot bod and square jaw, Brad Pitt is a total stud muffin.

  stuff, v.

  to have sex; British

  If you’re lucky, you can get stuffed in London without eating a bite.

  If you’re lucky, you can have sex in London without eating a bite.

  succubus, n.

  a demon who takes the form of a woman to have sex with men while they sleep; a needy, insecure girlfriend or wife who sucks away her significant other’s soul and life; American

  After Lonnie married Margaret, we basically never saw him again because his succubus of a wife would scream at him if he even looked at another woman, much less was friends with ladies.

  suck, v.

  suck, to be crappy; American