The Little Red Book of Very Dirty Words

by Alexis Munier

  vag

  vagine (à la

  Borat)

  va-jay-jay

  Virginia

  VJ

  you-know-what

  Honey, my vagina waits for no man.

  —Sex in the City

  vaginal spaghetti, n.

  a hairy vagina with dried menstrual blood; American

  She didn’t change her pad and had a case of vaginal spaghetti when the blood dried up on her bush.

  vagitarian, n.

  one who enjoys cunnilingus; American

  Lou was a man’s man, and a steak was often tempting, but when push came to shove he was a staunch vagitarian.

  Vagoctopus, n.

  a vagina, possibly of mythical origin, with tentacles; American

  Since my friend’s wife is a succubus, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had the mythical Vagoctopus that sucked his soul out with its tentacles of death.

  va-jay-jay, n.

  slang term for vagina; American

  Dora let her boyfriend know that her va-jay-jay was itchy, and if it was due to his infidelity with another, disease-ridden woman, she would cut off his dick, pan-fry it, and force feed it to him.

  DERIVATION: Popularized by Oprah, when she commented on her show: “I think va-jay-jay is a nice word, don’t you?”

  vanilla, adj.

  conventional or boring sex; American

  I’ve got to dump Harold one of these days—the sex used to be hot, but now it’s so vanilla.

  Vanilla? I’m not vanilla.

  I’ve done lots of crazy things. I mean I got drunk and married in Vegas.

  —Friends

  to veg out, v.

  to relax, to zone-out; American

  We smoked a joint and spent the night vegging out and eating popcorn.

  vertical smile, n.

  slang term for vaginal lips; American

  He thought he’d stay awhile after seeing her vertical smile.

  W

  wacky backy, n.

  pot, marijuana; British

  I can tell you’ve been smoking wacky backy because you’ve been dancing to Phish by yourself in the basement for the last hour.

  I can tell you’ve been smoking pot because you’ve been dancing to Phish by yourself in the basement for the last hour.

  walk of shame, n.

  when a person walks home wearing his or her clothes from yesterday (or someone else’s clothes) and has a look on his or her face that he or she made a huge mistake by having sex with someone the previous night; American

  After sleeping with the girl who he had previously told his friends was a succubus, Mark did the walk of shame the next morning.

  wang, n.

  dick; American

  She wanted to see if that douche bag’s wang was as large as he said it was; however, when she saw how small it was, she laughed at him and left.

  It’s time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-fucker. ‘Cause I’m gonna hang out with my wang out, and rock out with my cock out.

  —American Wedding

  wanker, n.

  jerk-off; asshole; British

  If you want to continue being a wanker, you should keep talking gobshite to that dude who looks like he could break you in two.

  If you want to continue being an asshole, you should keep talking shit to that dude who looks like he could break you in two.

  wannabe, n.

  someone who tries desperately to impress others with their style, but fails; American

  Last Christmas morning I found my dad wasted in a Santa suit with an empty bottle of whiskey next to him. Some wannabe St. Nick he turned out to be.

  war wound, n.

  injury sustained during sexual congress; American

  Ted was a pantywaist draft dodger, but that didn’t keep the sex maniac from sporting a bunch of war wounds.

  Wassup?, interj.

  slang term for “What’s up?”; American

  Hey Dan, wassup? Been ages since we last talked.

  This expression was popularized by a Budweiser beer advertisement campaign that ran from 1999–2002.

  wasted, adj.

  inebriated; American

  When Don’s dog died, he got wasted and watched Old Yeller over and over again.

  I never thought I was wasted, but I probably was.

  —Keith Richards

  waz, v.

  pee; British

  The water closet was destroyed during last night’s party, so just waz on the lawn.

  The bathroom was destroyed during last night’s party, so just pee on the lawn.

  wazzack, n.

  idiot; British

  If you don’t sleep with that bird with the sleeve tattoos, you are a complete and utter wazzack.

  If you don’t sleep with that biddy with the sleeve tattoos, you are a complete and utter idiot.

  wedding tackle, n.

  junk; dick; British

  Frank spends half his life showing off his wedding tackle. It’s not much to write home about.

  Frank spends half his life showing off his penis. It’s not much to write home about.

  wedgie, n.

  when underwear gets pulled into the butt crack; American

  Only assholes give people wedgies. You should know.

  weed, n.

  marijuana; American

  Son, don’t smoke too much weed or you’ll grow up to be a loser like your father.

  Top Five Weed Movies

  1. Reefer Madness

  2. Up in Smoke

  3. Dazed and Confused

  4. Half Baked

  5. Pineapple Express

  wet, adj.

  effeminate; British

  Richard is so wet; his girlfriend broke up with him two weeks ago and he’s still crying.

  Richard is so effeminate; his girlfriend broke up with him two weeks ago and he’s still crying.

  wet dream, n.

  dream during which a man ejaculates unconsciously; often occurs during puberty; American

  Johnny had a wet dream and tried to hide the stained sheets from his mom. Sadly, she found out anyway and told their preacher.

  You’re the only man I know who can screw up his own wet dream.

  —Flashpoint

  wet willy, n.

  sticking a finger wet with spit in someone’s ear; American

  All the school kids tortured the new girl by giving her wet willies.

  whack off, v.

  to masturbate; American

  Justin whacks off every night to an old ’70s porno filled with hairy bushes.

  whale eye, n.

  anus; American

  The great, unwashed whale eye is just another dirty asshole.

  whale tail, n.

  the exposed top part of a girl’s thong, which mimics the shape of a whale’s tail; American

  There’s this girl at my work who wears these low cut jeans with a thong every day, so I can see her whale tail whenever she walks past my desk.

  whatchamacallit, n.

  thing you don’t know the name for; American

  Can you hand me that, oh, now I forgot the name, that whatchamacallit over there with the stripes?

  whip it out, v.

  to show one’s penis; American

  Mary questioned the size of Joseph’s wang, so he whipped it out so she could measure it.

  There are only two rules in television:Don’t swear and

  don’t whip it out.

  —The Simpsons

  whiskey dick, n.

  the inevitable temporary erectile dysfunction associated with too much alcohol consumption; American

  We went back to my place, but I had a case of whiskey dick, so she left a bit unfulfilled.

  whiskey shit, n.

  the diarrhea that usually follows a night of drinking whiskey; American

  After my ten Jack and Cokes last night, I woke up in the morning with a serious bout of whiskey shit that made me late for work.
>
  white caps, n.

  arrogant jerks who wear white hats, usually partially slanted, at clubs; American

  We should brawl with those white caps and take their girlfriends.

  to whizz one’s tits off, v.

  to get high as a kite (on speed, amphetamines); British

  Jumping Alfie was whizzing his tits off and talking incoherently through his toothless mouth.

  Jumping Alfie was getting high as a kite and talking incoherently through his toothless mouth.

  whore, n.

  a prostitute; a woman who sleeps with many men; American

  Two fat whores in sweats work the street I live on.

  DERIVATION: The word whore comes from the Middle English hore, meaning adulterer.

  You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think.

  —Dorothy Parker

  whore around, v.

  to have sex with many people; American

  Thomas? The way he whores around, I wouldn’t touch his dick with a ten-foot pole.

  whinge, v.

  to whine, complain; British

  Stop whinging and make me a sandwich now.

  Stop whining and make me a sandwich now.

  willy, n.

  penis; American

  Stuart never forgot the one time he zipped up too quickly, lacerating his willy. He wore button-fly slacks for the rest of the decade.

  wingman, n.

  a guy who assists his friend with getting a hot girl, by occupying her less attractive friend; also, a person who talks up his friend to a hot girl or starts a conversation with her then passes her on to his friend; American

  My friend was a perfect wingman because he started talking to this hot biddy then passed her on to me; unfortunately, she thought Bear Grylls was better than Les Stroud, so I decided I didn’t want to have sex with her anymore.

  winking, v.

  when a girl with no panties accidentally flashes her vagina to a room full of people; American

  Virginia jumped on me at the bar and fell over; unfortunately, she was wearing a skirt and no panties and winked at the whole room.

  womyn, n.

  militant feminist; lesbian militant feminist; lesbian spelling of woman; American

  This chick at a bar was telling me about how men created the language so they’ve controlled it since the beginning of time, and I immediately asked, “Wait, do you spell woman, w-o-m-y-n?”

  This spelling uses a ‘y’ as a reference to the Y male chromosome.

  woody, n.

  erection; American

  Woody’s woody bulged in his jeans—and the women swooned.

  woofter, n.

  homosexual; British

  I don’t want to worry you, but I think your boyfriend may be a woofter because he always seems to want a dick in his mouth.

  I don’t want to worry you, but I think your boyfriend may be a homosexual because he always seems to want a dick in his mouth.

  WTF, interj.

  acronym for “what the fuck”; expression used to describe a messed up situation; American

  When Maxwell wanted me to shove a dildo up his ass and call him “Sally,” I was like “WTF?”

  X

  X, n.

  the drug ecstasy; American

  I can’t go to the rave without scoring some X first . . . otherwise I won’t be able to dance all night.

  XXX, n.

  film rating given to the most sexually explicit movies, by their makers; American

  This ain’t no XXX! I have some dead wood here.

  A BRIEF HISTORY OF PORN

  in November of 1968, bowing to pressure, mostly from religious corners, the Motion Picture Association of American (MPAA) put in place a voluntary rating system to alert film goers of sexual themes, strong language, and violence. The now-familiar ratings of G, PG, R, and NC-17 (formerly X) were put in place. PG-13 was added later. Screenwriters and filmmakers avoided X marking their spot as that would sink all hope of a gold statue. But for the purveyors of golden showers on film, the porno industry, they not only embraced the X, but also beefed it up by putting it to the third power, XXX.

  xanthodont, n.

  a person with yellow teeth; American

  Anna said she really enjoyed fucking the carnival geek because, as she put it, he was hung like a garden hose about to burst, but had to break it off because he was a real xanthodont.

  XDR, n.

  cross-dresser; American

  When Harold admitted that he’d been seeing an XDR at night, his wife thought he meant a new Ferrari.

  xenobiotic, n.

  xenobiotic, substance or item foreign to the body; American

  For the two lesbians happily in love, the twenty-three-inch black mambo dildo and their mate’s fist were not off limits, but actual penises were strictly xenobiotic.

  xenofuckic, adj.

  afraid to be intimate with foreigners; American

  Suzy used to go down on a lot of foreign women, but after a bad Lithuanian experience she became xenofuckic, and now only eats Presbyterian pie.

  xeric, adj.

  dry, devoid of moisture and lubrication, as in the vaginal cavity; American

  Before there’s any humpin’ and bumpin’, we gotta get some KY jelly for your xeric vagina.

  Y

  to yack, v.

  to vomit; American

  I had some bad fish and wound up yacking for about half an hour and wasn’t in the mood to give any blowjobs to my boyfriend.

  yada yada yada, n.

  meaning “blah blah blah” or “etc., etc., etc.”; used to quickly skip sections or avoid going into details while telling a story; American

  I thought she seemed like a conservative girl, we had dinner, went back to my place. Yada yada yada, I woke up chained to my bed with my body shaved and a burlap sack over my head.

  This term was popularized during the long-running comedy series Seinfeld.

  yellow fever, n.

  an interest and attraction toward Asian women; American

  Hal’s got yellow fever so bad, he has threatened to just move to Tokyo.

  youniverse, n.

  the belief by a narcissist that the universe revolves around him or her; American

  If James realized aliens didn’t really abduct and anoint him “Supreme Emperor of the Universe,” his youniverse would come crashing down to reality.

  yuppie, n.

  young, urban professional; often drives a BMW or Mercedes and shows off material wealth; American

  No offense, but most bankers are total BMW-driving yuppie assholes.

  yupscale, adj.

  used to describe a young professional who pretentiously shows off his or her wealth to gain attention; the word is a combination of “yuppie” and “upscale”; American

  Rick really showed his superiority complex with his yupscale apartment, so I banged his wife and ejaculated all over his expensive furniture.

  yupster, n.

  a combination of yuppie and hipster; a hipster who, while remaining faithful to some hipster elements such as music or neighborhood, has embraced a yuppie career or lifestyle; American

  When Matt gave up his gig as a DJ to concentrate more on his day job as an accountant, we knew that despite keeping his studio in Williamsburg he had crossed the yupster line.

  YUPSTERVILLE

  Williamsburg, Brooklyn is a neighborhood in New York City, which has a high population of hipsters, vegetarian cafes, bars, organic grocery stores, and vintage clothing shops. The area, once a mecca of crime in the early 1980s, has seen one of the fastest gentrifications in urban history and is now filled with so-called trustafar-ians, young adults with trust funds that allow them the financial security to work at low-paying service industry jobs or follow their dreams to be an artist or musician, while living a hipster lifestyle.

  yutz, n.

  an idiot; dolt; American

  Don’t be a yutz, she obviously likes you, so go over the
re and fuck her brains out.

  It’s a nightmare, we’ve been visited by the Yutz of Christmas Past.

  —The Golden Girls

  Z

  zab, n.

  penis; American

  After inspecting the lesions on the underclassman’s manhood, the hip campus doctor assured him the blood work was negative, then pulled out a balm and told him to “just put a dab on your zab each morning.”

  zebra act, n.

  an interracial couple; American

  These days dating and marriage by people of different races is generally accepted and not commented on, but my ancient Uncle Don still calls it a zebra act.

  zeig heils, n.

  hemorrhoids; British

  The jogger rarely had running cramps, but in long road races often found himself with a humdinger case of zeig heils.

  The jogger rarely had running cramps, but in long road races often found himself with a humdinger case of hemorrhoids.

  zeps, n.

  large breasts (short for zeppelins); American

  Steve always went to that particular ticket clerk’s window as she featured a near-perfect pair of zeps.

  zipper skipper, n.

  a homosexual; American

  I thought he was just bored with my anecdote when he was staring down, but I’ll be damned if that zipper skipper wasn’t staring at my package!

  zipper spark, v.

  dry humping with your clothes on; American

  They were so hot for one another that they zipper sparked in the car in front of her parents house until her dad came out to get her.

  to zone out, v.

  to daydream; to be lost in one’s own world; American

  Sorry, man, could you repeat that? I zoned out there for a minute.

  zoosexual, n.

  a person who prefers sexual activity with animals; American

  If you don’t believe zoosexuals exist, you just have to watch some German porn or a Tiajuana donkey show.