The Little Red Book of Very Dirty Words
Page 10
My ex sucked at baseball. He was always more of a hockey man.
What’s the difference between a Democrat and a Republican?
A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks!
—Lewis Black
suck a fuck, v.
to tell someone to “fuck off”; sucking the after results of sex; American
If you’re not going to let me borrow your car so I can take your sister out for a nice time then destroy her, you can go suck a fuck.
Elizabeth: Did you just call me a fuckass?
You can go suck a fuck.
Donnie: Oh, please, tell me Elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a fuck?
—Donnie Darko
suck someone off, v.
to perform fellatio on someone; American
When Christine met Angelo at the wedding reception, by the third martini she was under the table sucking him off. Thank God for those long tablecloths.
suck up, v.
suck up, to appease; American
Because he sucks at his job, Jack tries to make up for it by sucking up to his boss.
suckalicious, adj.
extremely attractive, meriting sucking; American
Pamela’s titties are suckalicious!
sugar daddy, n.
a well-off older man who dates younger partners; American
There’s no fool like an old sugar daddy.
sugar lumps, n.
small breasts; American Tony had a thing for girls with
Tony had a thing for girls with sugar lumps, so he loved Martha and her triple As.
sugar momma, n.
a well-off older woman who dates younger partners; American
That sugar momma paid for my meal, then made me her meal in bed.
sundries, n.
sundries, freebies; Australian
Our local take-away always gives us loads of sundries like free starters and drinks because our friend fucked the owner and she doesn’t want anybody to know about it.
Our local take-out always gives us lots of freebies like free appetizers and drinks because our friend fucked the owner and she doesn’t want anybody to know about it.
swan sauce, n.
sweat that accumulates around a woman’s vagina in the heat; American
At the gym, Jerry goes for the girls who work out the hardest—he loves hard bodies swimming in swan sauce.
sweet, adj.
great, cool; American
Your grandpa got you a sweet convertible for your sixteenth birthday? Sweet!
sweet as a nut, adj.
fine, just great; British
How am I? Well, I just busted a nut, so I am sweet as a nut.
How am I? Well, I just ejaculated, so I am just great.
switch hitter, n.
switch hitter, bisexual; American
When Sam found out that his wife Kate was a switch hitter, he invited his lipstick-lesbian secretary over for dinner.
swoops, n.
bangs from one side of the forehead that go across the forehead and cover one eye; American
Look at the girl with the swoops over there—she’s like a hot cyclops!
T
tab, n.
cigarette; British
She usually likes to smoke a tab before, during, and after we have sex—my kind of woman.
She usually likes to smoke a cigarette before, during, and after we have sex—my kind of woman.
taco, n
pussy; American
Pink tacos, fish tacos, whatever—there’s no taco Marty won’t eat.
take the mickey out of someone, v.
to mock someone; to pull someone’s leg; British
If John starts to take the mickey out of you, just tell him how awful his mother was in bed last night.
If John starts to mock you, just tell him how awful his mother was in bed last night.
take the piss, v.
to make fun; British
If you can’t handle us taking the piss of you, you should learn to take it as well as you give it out.
If you can’t handle us making fun of you, you should learn to take it as well as you give it out.
talk shit, v.
talk nonsense; American
The boss is always talking shit while we do all the real work.
Man, that’s all we ever do is talk shit.
—8 Mile
talk to God on the big white telephone, v.
to vomit; British
If you need to talk to God on the big white telephone when we get in my car, try to project your puke away from the side door.
If you need to puke when we get in my car, try to project your puke away from the side door.
tart, n.
slut; British
After we broke up, my ex still rang me twice a week for some nookie. What a tart!
After we broke up, my ex still called me twice a week for some nookie. What a slut!
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.
—James Beard
tea bag, v.
to put one’s testicles into someone’s mouth or slap them on someone’s face, sometimes unexpectedly; American
We decided to tea bag Martin to get back at him for drinking all of our whiskey.
thick, adj.
dumb; British
Martin the Mimbo is cute, but he’s incredibly thick.
Martin the Mimbo is cute, but he’s incredibly dumb.
thicko, n.
dimwit; British
Oi thicko, you usually wait for the band to start playing before you start a mosh pit.
Hey dimwit, you usually wait for the band to start playing before you start a mosh pit.
thrombing, n.
a session of intense, aggressive sex; American
We were both horny and pissed off, so I ripped her clothes off and gave her a hellacious thrombing.
throw a wobbly, v.
to throw a tantrum; British
My boss threw a wobbly when he found out I’d quit.
It was funny as fuck.
My boss threw a tantrum when he found out I’d quit.
It was funny as fuck.
tight ass, n.
a cheap or uptight person; also nice, firm buttocks; American
Don’t be such a tight ass—let me go down on you.
I’m gonna grab you by your Brooks Brothers PJs, and then I’m gonna take your brand new BMW , and cram it up your tight ass!
—Caddy Shack II
tits, n.
breasts; American
There’s nothing like a pair of babelicious tits to distract the boys.
DERIVATION: Tit is one of the many variations of teat, which comes to us from the Old English titt, meaning breast. Take that into your mouth and suck it.
I do have big tits.
Always had ‘em—pushed ‘em up, whacked ‘em around. Why not make fun of ‘em?
I’ve made a fortune with ‘em.
—Dolly Parton
tit for tat, interj.
an expression meaning, roughly, quid pro quo; American
Tit for tat is the basis upon which all mutual pleasure should be founded—one orgasm at a time.
titty bar, n.
a strip club; American
My friends and I went to the titty bar, but left because too many of the strippers had beef curtains.
titty fuck, v.
to rub one’s penis between a woman’s breasts; American
Nelly may be a goody-two-shoes virgin, but she still lets me titty fuck her.
todger, n.
penis; British
Does that bloke have a third leg? Oh, wait, it’s just his giant todger.
Does that dude have a third leg? Oh, wait, it’s just his giant penis.
toe cleavage, n.
the part of the toes exposed in low-cut shoes, usually high heels; American
There’s nothing like a little toe cleavage to make a foot fetishist
’s day.
toe rag, n.
a loser; worthless person; British
Stop being a little toe rag and jam those dollar bills in that stripper’s G-string like you mean it.
Stop being a little loser and jam those dollar bills in that stripper’s G-string like you mean it.
tomtit, n.
shit; British
I slipped in some tomtit but luckily I fell on my blowup sex doll.
I slipped in some dog shit but luckily fell on my blowup sex doll.
tosser
jerk; British
I will ram my car into that tosser who cut me off.
I will ram my car into that jerk who cut me off.
tough titties, interj.
an expression meaning, “tough shit”; American
Tara told Tom tough titties when he begged her forgiveness for feeling up her twin sister’s tits on New Year’s Eve.
DERIVATION: We may have the pioneers to thank for this charming expression. The story is that on the long trek west on the wagon trail, tired moms gave their teething babies stale bread soaked in milk for their sore gums. They called them tough titties.
town bike, n.
town whore; American
Lauren was well known as the town bike by everybody.
trade junk, v.
to have sex without commitment; American
When you want to trade junk, just call a fuck buddy.
tradesman’s entrance, n.
anus; rear door; British
If a girl has just had Mexican food, you should avoid going in the tradesman’s entrance.
If a girl has just had Mexican food, you should avoid going up her ass.
trainspotter, n.
nerd, geek; British
The trainspotter spent his time nitpicking the inaccuracies in Star Wars and dreaming of sex with Leia.
The geek spent his spare time nitpicking the inaccuracies in Star Wars and dreaming of sex with Leia.
tramp, n.
a promiscuous woman; American
Margaret may be fifty but she still dresses like a two-bit tramp.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes
she’s a tramp.
—Joan Rivers
tramp stamp, n.
a tattoo placed on a woman’s lower back; American
One woman’s tramp stamp is another woman’s declaration of undying love—until she dumps the lying SOB and is stuck with his name forever.
Ah, the tramp stamp. My bread and butter. So I’m guessing that the real story involves a bad breakup and some booze?
Unless that’s a gang tattoo, in which case I think it’s time to find a new gang.
—How I Met Your Mother
tranny, n.
transsexual or transvestite;
transsexual or transvestite; American
When Barry took Barbie to bed, he was surprised to find out she was a tranny; Barry doesn’t like surprises.
the trots, n.
the runs; British
My girlfriend’s mincemeat pie always gives me the trots, and after I’ve been in the bathroom for most of the night, she’s never in the mood to have sex.
My girlfriend’s mincemeat pie always gives me the runs, and after I’ve been in the bathroom for most of the night, she’s never in the mood to have sex.
trouser department, n.
penis; British
My fiancé is a dear but he’s seriously lacking in the trouser department and I have a dildo handy just in case he can’t do the trick.
My fiancé is a dear but he’s seriously lacking a large penis and I have a dildo handy just in case he can’t do the trick.
trustafarian, n.
a neologism combining trust fund and Rastafarian; young adult with a trust fund that allows him or her the financial security to work at a low-paying service industry job or follow his or her dream of becoming an artist or musician, all the while living a hippie lifestyle; American
Williamsburg? Five years ago the place was super cool; now it’s filled with trustafarians and wannabes.
tufted mussel, n.
an unshaved pussy; American
Shakti Sunshine was a bit of a hippy and didn’t believe in shaving down there, so she had quite a tufted mussel.
twat, n.
vagina; stupid, ignorant person; American
There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to learn to tongue the twat. Good.
two dots and a dash, n.
two dots and a dash, penis and testicles; reference to Morse code; gay; British
See that pre-op over there? She may have big tits but she’s still got two dots and a dash.
See that pre-op over there? She may have big tits but she still has a penis.
WAS MORSE GAY?
Morse code has been used for more than 160 years to transmit information rhythmically. While it was used heavily in World War II, nowadays it’s restricted mostly to amateur short wave radio operators. Perhaps this word entered the gay community via one of the hundreds of thousands of young sailors who served in the Navy during this time.
twinkie, n.
a person of Asian descent who more closely resembles white stereotypes; American
Ji Yeon may be Korean, but she talks like a valley girl—what a twinkie.
DERIVATION: This term comes from the famed American snack food, the Twinkie. Twinkies, which are often mocked for their long shelf life, are oblong yellow cakes filled with creamy white filling. Hence the twinkie reference for Caucasian-acting Asian-Americans: yellow on the outside, white in the middle.
U
udder nonsense, n.
the act of fondling, groping, and sucking on breasts; American
While the fucking was terrific, John equally enjoyed the udder nonsense with Brenda’s perky boobs.
ululate, v.
to make a guttural response to intense sexual pleasure; American
Mary polished Ted’s knob so exquisitely that in turn he yodeled, ululated, and invoked the name of several saints.
umlauts, n.
breasts (from the German phonetic symbol of two dots over a vowel, usually U); American
Appropriate given her Germanic lineage, Heidi had some nice umlauts.
unbutton the mutton, v.
to show one’s penis; American
James unbuttoned the mutton during their drive to the shore and asked Isla to give him road head.
Uncle Jim and the twins at attention, n.
the erect penis and testes; American
By the time Tim got the flight attendant back to his apartment, there was swelling in his pants, which proved to be Uncle Jim and the twins at attention.
unclogging the drain, n.
female masturbation; American
Paula let her husband know that she no longer needed his help in any respect: “Go out drinking with your buddies again, you son of a bitch, I’ll be at home unclogging the drain, literally and metaphorically.”
up the duff
pregnant, knocked up; British
They’ve only been dating for a month, but Randy’s girlfriend is already up the duff.
They’ve only been dating for a month, but Randy’s girlfriend is already knocked up.
V
vag, n.
short for vagina; American
I may have a yeast infection. My vag is killing me.
vagina, n.
vagina, female sex organ; American
The vagina is the passageway from which all emerge and many spend the rest of their lives trying to get back into.
DERIVATION: The word vagina comes from the Latin meaning sheath.
SYNONYMS OF VAGINA:
baby gap
bacon strip
bajingo
bearded clam
beaver
beef curtains
beetle bonnet
box
bucket hole
; bush
cake
cha cha
clam burger
clown pocket
clunge
cock socket
cockholder
coochie
cooter
crawl space
crumpet
cum dumpster
cunt
daisy
down there
downtown
downy bit
dugout
Elizabeth Regina
fanny
female parts
fish flaps
flapjacks
flower
foo foo
front bum
fur burger
furry goblet
gash
growler
guller buster
hair pie
hairy axe wound
hairy harmonica
ham wallet
holiest of holies
hoo-ha
joot
juicebox
kitty
lady bits
lady i-pod dock
lotus blossom
love canal
love pudding
mailbox
map of Tazzie
meow-meow
Mimi
minge
minky
mongo
monkey box
mud flaps
muff
mushmellow
nanner
noonie
Octo-mom exit
panties hamster
pee hole
pink taco
pleasure pit
poochie
poonanie
poontang
pound mound
powderbox
privates
pudding pot
pussy
quim
salmon canyon
skin chimney
slit
sloppy fun pocket
snatch
sperm sponge
split knish
sweetness
tamale
tooshed
tulip
tunnel of love
twat
twinkle
unit
whisker biscuit
wizard’s sleeve