A Certain Intimacy

by Blythe Stone

  “So, you like guys and girls?” Iris asked.

  Nat breathed in deep to try and cool herself and get comfortable. “Mostly girls,” she nodded. “Took me a long time to realize that.”

  Things like this were a little embarrassing to confess. Natalie was well aware that it took her longer than most to really come to terms with her sexuality. She wasn't ashamed of it, just ashamed that it took her so long.

  “Me too, but I don’t date guys anymore. I mean, it took me a long time to get what I was really feeling. Guys are easy and they come at you. So, I never thought about it until I realized that I always thought about girls the way other girls thought about guys. Then, it made sense,” Iris said.

  These were deep dark things that she had kept to herself and rarely discussed. She hated that she had hurt people in the process of figuring herself out but that was life. No one could help that.

  “I was a bitch to guys in some ways. Women make me melt though. It’s so different,” she said.

  “Fuck,” Nat said, staring over at her openly. In this lighting Nat's eyes were glossy and her lips were almost wet like they shined.

  “Exactly what I was thinking,” Iris smiled.

  She swallowed hard and tried not to stare at Nat’s lips. The server came back with their drinks and Iris took the glass without looking down and took a sip, licking a drop off her lip as she put the glass back down on the table.

  “I’m talking more tonight than I ever do. I think you’ve got some kind of magic,” Iris pointed out.

  Nat swallowed, definitely in trouble now. She held onto her old fashion glass loosely with both of her hands. “Olivia always says that,” she realized.

  “Your ex? What’s she like?” Iris asked.

  Iris took another drink and moved her dark hair away from her eyes. It always fell in her way and she wanted to see for once. Nat loved the volume it had. She had to make herself look away.

  “Perfect,” Nat smiled sadly. She lifted the salt-rimmed glass up to her lips and rolled her eyes at the ceiling to try and get herself to get over it. “And how are you single? Ms. Dupree?” Nat flirted, making direct eye-contact now. The girl had practically invited it from her. This morning Nat was unsure but Iris had invited her out on a date and she’d come out to her openly. “Earlier, with Michael, I thought you were trying to get out of hanging out with me. Which is fine but… Now we're here,” Nat teased. “You've got me alone instead. You're very smart,” Nat realized, appraising Iris's full body now.

  The heat from before hadn’t exactly waned. Since it was late in the day and it'd be getting dark soon all Nat could think about was climbing onto a bed with this woman, leading her clothing off carefully and deliberately tasting every single inch of her delicate skin.

  “I’m just picky and I don’t like putting myself out there. I’m not social by nature. I’ve been fine with my little family, Stan and Jared, we’re a team. They keep me sane,” Iris said.

  Iris caught the server’s eye and asked for another whiskey. The warmth was already spreading in her chest and she knew one more would make her a little tipsy and more open to whatever was going on here, however ill-advised it was.

  “I’m not as smooth as you’re giving me credit for but I appreciate it. Michael is okay. You’re much more interesting though,” Iris finished.

  “I just mean, we could've all hung out. And been safe.” Nat eyed the low and torn collar on her companion's thin shirt.

  “No, I wouldn’t have liked that. I’d have been awkward and quiet, so not good company. So, you think I’m not safe?” Iris asked.

  They hadn’t even ordered food yet and she didn’t care. They could stay here all night and she would be happy. She’d rather take Nat back to her hotel room and find out how perfect she was underneath that dress. It was dangerous, like Nat said.

  Nat brought her drink to her lips and purposely stared at the group of people who were now filtering into the space. “You could murder me,” she said.

  “I could but that wouldn’t make any sense. Then who would I talk to on set and how would the movie get made? Keeping you alive is a much better plan,” Iris countered.

  “True,” Nat said, mulling it over. “I'm not used to my co-stars being this sweet.”

  “What about Michael? I got the impression he wanted to be sweet to you,” Iris said.

  The server was eyeing them like he was about to come over and Iris didn’t want that. It would disrupt their flow. The food could wait a few more seconds, just long enough for Nat to answer her question.

  “He seemed sweet. Genuinely sweet,” Nat defended. “But I wasn't trying to flirt with him. I hope it didn't come off that way. I'm usually pretty careful with that. I mean, I have to be. I'm sure you do too.”

  “No, you were just being nice. I know they think that means more most of the time. It’s rough, like I said, guys are easy. Especially, when you don’t want them. That makes them crazy but that’s universal. Women are like that too, I think,” Iris replied.

  The server dropped a check at the next table and came to theirs.

  “I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to take your order,” he started.

  Iris smiled up at him, a natural disarming and rare show of her perfect, white teeth.

  “It’s perfectly fine, we were busy deciding. I’d like a taco salad with grilled chicken and extra jalapenos, another whiskey, and a glass of water with no ice, please,” Iris said and looked to Nat.

  “Oh,” Nat said, taken off-guard. “Um. The mole would be great. And yeah, another drink if you can.”

  “Of course,” the waiter said before going off again. The bar section was beginning to fill up.

  Nat was frazzled. Iris so easily took up her time. She hadn't even had the chance to glance at her menu. Also, her drink was still pretty full, she didn't want Iris to feel insecure. Sitting with someone and talking like she used to with Avery and Olivia, it was just really rare and nice. Natalie felt that pang of sadness again. She really missed her best friends. Life was pretty shitty without them. But she really sucked at confessing that and she was almost entirely against asking for help.

  “Do you mind if I try your drink?” Iris asked.

  “Oh,” Nat said. “Not at all.” She pushed the glass slowly over to her.

  Iris smelled the liquor first and then took a small sip. She let it sit on her tongue for a moment before she swallowed and passed the glass back.

  “You’ve got good taste,” Iris complimented.

  “Of course I do. I'm sitting with you.”

  Nat didn't even get embarrassed while saying lines like this. Instead it just pleased her. For one, she knew it worked and for two she was being honest.

  “And you thought I was smooth?” Iris said.

  She picked up her own glass and took another sip. The whiskey was definitely the best and worst idea she had come up with today.

  “Are you like this with all the girls?” Iris teased.

  Prodding a little, teasing out information was hard to do without being obvious. Iris was bad at it. Subtle questions were like a tightwire and Iris hated heights.

  “Like what?” Nat asked, playing at guarded. She grabbed her drink back and cradled it.

  “Smooth, impossible to ignore, flirty, you know, that kind of thing,” Iris replied.

  “I- am- myself,” Nat innocently teased.

  The alcohol was beginning to hit now. Nat was usually used to Olivia's level of drinking but she hadn't been around her in a long time. Iris was easily out-pacing her, even putting Olivia to shame.

  “But who is Natalie?” Iris asked. She watched Nat carefully, her golden eyes assessing every tick and word.

  “A lonely girl,” Nat shared.

  “You’re more than that but I understand. I think lonely is my default state. I’m used to it now but there are different kinds. I’m guessing yours is because of unrequited love. There can’t be another reason you’re single, assuming you are, that is,” Iris said.
/>
  “Tragically,” Nat smiled. The wind had been taken from her sails but she was on her own now and she had been given enough freedom to float as she pleased. “Even before her though. I've been lonely.”

  There wasn't an easy way to explain that feeling.

  “What about when you were with her?” Iris asked.

  “It was hard,” Nat remembered. “It's actually a lot better when we're not together. Which is probably telling. We just couldn't find a balance before then. But you're right. She did make me feel better. That's why I'm like this.”

  “Why did she break up with you?” Iris asked.

  “Loved someone else,” Nat saddened. She drank the rest of her first drink.

  “Oh, that’s not fair. Did it end badly? Probably not since you still hang out."

  “I can’t hate her,” Nat smiled. “It's not possible. But she really kills me sometimes. Especially her fucking Instagram feed,” Nat laughed, obviously frustrated.

  “But you can’t stop yourself from looking at it because you’re addicted and you need something, even if it’s seeing her with someone else,” Iris went on. Their food came out and with it, her next drink. She enjoyed hearing Nat talk about her life. It was a shame, she was so attractive and more real in one day than anyone had been with her in years.

  She thanked the server and watched him walk away before returning her eyes to Nat.

  “Doesn't really help much that her wife is just as addicting. They both call me. Talk about each other,” Nat smiled. “It's really cute but very frustrating. And when I visit we always fall asleep together. Never two inches apart.”

  “So, you’re in love with both of them?” Iris raised an eyebrow.

  “They're my family,” Nat laughed. “I don't really have one, remember? Probably sounds crazy though. I get that.”

  “It doesn’t sound crazy, I’m just trying to figure out what your life is like. Stan and Jared are my family but I don’t sleep with them. There are just all kinds of relationships. I can’t imagine how that feels to be with both of them,” Iris said.

  “Like the world makes sense,” Nat felt her vivid memories, what it was like to be with Olivia and Avery, how they were home. “But… I dunno. They have each other more. In the moment I let go of that. I think I need them. Is that selfish? Wait. Don't answer that,” she sighed, stressed. “It's stupid. I know.”

  “It just sounds like you’d rather have them in some way and deal with the pain than not have them. Has there ever been jealousy with her wife?” Iris asked.

  She took her fork and knife out of the napkin they were wrapped in and mixed her salad around to distribute the contents. It was encased in a freshly fried tortilla bowl. She looked down and wondered what she would do in Nat’s position. She wasn’t a big enough person. She would have left long ago and cut herself off from her ex.

  “Oh god. Avery is such a sweetie. No,” Nat smiled. “Well. That’s not true. I dunno. Maybe at first when we didn't know each other well. I dunno what Olivia said about me back then. Avery had some false impression that I was some violent abuser. Which is a little hilarious, given the reality. I would kill myself if I hurt Olivia.”

  “I’m guessing with an impression like that you two didn’t get off to a good start,” Iris prompted. She started to eat and after two bites, she stopped and had a sip of water followed by a sip of whiskey.

  “We figured it out,” Nat said, finally relaxing enough to eat a little of her food.

  “I expect so since you share a bed with both of them,” Iris teased.

  “A bed and the occasional make-out,” Nat stared, knowing it would probably shock. “Anyway, what about you? It's not really fair you haven't told me anything.”

  Iris downed the rest of her whiskey and set the glass to the side. The tables were turning.

  “That’s because I’m not as interesting as you. I haven’t been with anyone in a long time. I write music, rehearse, I’m on tour a lot, and I hang out with the band,” Iris said.

  “Oh come on, don't give me that. Musicians have endless sex appeal,” Nat goaded. “How am I supposed to believe you don't have a pretty girl in every town?”

  “I don’t. That would require me to talk to pretty girls. I don’t do that much. Well, not in a flirty way,” she confessed.

  “Music is a language,” Nat reminded.

  “It is. I write all the lyrics. If you listen to our last few albums, you’ll probably notice a theme. Stan keeps getting on my ass for writing sad songs but aren’t those the best songs?”

  Nat smiled. “Usually,” she nodded, eating a little more. “Most of the musicians I know live for the pretty girls. A lot of the actors too. They’re a little obsessive.”

  “That describes Jared. He’s not crass about it or anything but he loves to flirt. Most girls like to flirt right back. I’ll be shocked if he doesn’t come back from vacation with one or two stories,” Iris said.

  She continued to take bites of her salad until she was tired of the taste and pushed the plate away. She wished there was more whiskey but she was close to edging from tipsy into drunk. She hadn’t been there in a long time. Alcohol was the perfect lubricant for words you wouldn’t otherwise say.

  “I just listen to him and I’ve had enough vicarious flirting for years,” Iris finished.

  Nat smiled and enjoyed her new company. It was nice to be out with someone who wasn't completely obsessed with their own life and all their opinions. She could see hanging out with Iris, eating breakfast, going to the movies. A lot of the people Nat came across from day to day were non-stop talkers.

  Iris watched Nat eat a little more before the server came over with their check and she took it. She reached into her pocket and took a card out of her phone case to give to him. He nodded and took the card and the holder with the check.

  “Do you want a box or anything?” Iris asked.

  “Um, sure, yeah,” Nat said, a little surprised. Iris had been real quick with the check, sneaky even. It was nice though. Nat still wondered what exactly this was between them. Was Iris telling the truth? So many people were really good at lying. Especially actors.

  Nat ran her fingers through her hair and tried to brace herself for the long night alone.

  “Thanks for inviting me,” Nat said. “It probably doesn't seem like it but it really means a lot.”

  “Thank you for agreeing to have dinner. It means I didn’t have to sit alone in my room and have room service again. You saved me, really,” Iris replied.

  The server brought the check back and Iris asked for a to-go box before he left, which he brought back while she was signing the receipt. Nat thanked the server and Iris leaned back in her chair, seeing her smile at him. To Iris, Nat was far more interesting than she could have hoped.

  Once the man had gone, Nat let her gaze fall back onto Iris. “So, what do you think? Is it time to retreat to our separate lonely rooms?”

  “I don’t know. We could always both go to one or the other if that’s something you’re interested in.”

  Nat hadn't expected Iris to want that. Something about her was a little standoffish. But then Nat remembered that Iris had been the one to ask her out.

  “What are you thinking?” Nat wondered.

  “Right now? Honestly, I’m just wondering what you want and how dangerous it is that I had those drinks,” Iris answered.

  “Did you have to drink? To be with me?” Nat asked.

  “No, but it helped me talk more. I’m probably the most anxious person you’ve met. I’m just good at hiding it,” Iris said.

  Nat had met a lot of people. The statement didn’t do much but excite her.

  “If you come home with me I'll probably want to touch you,” Nat warned. She lifted up her glass and drank the last of her liquor before moving to stand and put her jacket on, sleeve-by-sleeve.

  The implication struck Iris in all the places she didn’t usually come alive. Actually feeling attraction was so much better than the memories. She st
ood up and stood nearby, waiting for Nat. The idea of being touched by her was a lot.

  “I’d like to find out what that’s like,” Iris said.

  Nat used her fingers to lovingly lead a lock of hair away from Iris's eyes. “Are you sure?”

  The touch, as small as it was, shocked Iris's system and her mouth felt dry.

  “It’s more of a need at this point,” she confessed in an intimate whisper.

  Nat lifted her eyebrows and smirked. “Okay,” she laughed. She slipped her hand in against Iris's to take it. Iris’s eyes closed and she gripped Nat’s hand firmly. She let Nat lead her back to the car and when they got in their seating arrangement changed from how they’d been earlier. They were much closer and Iris felt Nat’s warmth radiating.

  Thinking was toxic right now. They were past the point where Iris could stop this. She didn’t want to and that was the major part of why she was being honest. There were few people who ever got past the initial barriers. Nat walked right in like they didn’t exist.

  Chapter 6

  Another Slip

  For Natalie, the night definitely hadn’t gone as planned but solid plans were usually hard to come by in her industry and life. The vibes she’d been getting from Iris on set, they were electric but they were also shy and temperate. So much so that Nat was scared to be too open when it came to the physical but she did want to touch. It had been on her mind every second of this particular day. From the moment she first saw her, there was something extremely delicate about Iris that immediately reminded Nat of Olivia, and that could not be good. Iris had a unique personality, almost aside from everyone else Nat had met. A quiet Nashville girl, looking that fine and being on set? It was all wildly disastrous and Nat knew.

  When Iris suggested dinner, Nat was thrilled. But now they were going home together and Nat was going to be on for the night. All aspects of living included performance. It wasn’t necessarily her goal to be on and buzzing like a pink neon sign but Nat lived to please and this girl was different, she was interesting.

  Okay, and maybe there was more than that. Since Olivia had just visited it would be a severe understatement to say that Natalie was sexually frustrated. Two nights with the love of her life, clean, and wrapped up against her body. Two days, lovingly craving her touches, her smiles, and her lips.