I heard the crinkle of the couch when he moved and felt it cave when he got closer to me until his damn leg touched mine. I was tensing, locking my muscles the closer he got. I didn’t have to look his way to know his face was inches from mine. His breath licked my neck between strands of my long hair and it took everything in me not to shiver.
I shouldn’t have such a visceral reaction to him.
I should be immune to any man aside from Caleb.
I was going back to Caleb.
But my heart was hammering in my chest in a rhythm so fast I was sure it couldn’t be healthy.
***
MAXEN
Fuck me.
I swallowed thickly, and even that was difficult to do. All I saw now was her. She’s trying to avoid looking at me, and that drove me mad. But mostly, her words, the first nice words she’d ever uttered to me were doing something to me I could barely understand.
Everything in me was on fire. My heart had decided to beat so hard it was the only thing I heard now. My whole body was coiling as if getting ready to jump her when I knew it was neither now or ever going to happen. But knowing she respected me…Fuck, it truly did something to me.
I breathed in near her, my nose so very close to her pink cheek that her fresh smell and light perfume assaulted me. I wanted to put my head in the crook of her neck, right where her soft shoulder met her graceful neck. Her pale skin there had me wondering if it’s as soft as it looked, if she tasted as good as I had always thought.
It’s so damn hard to not go for what I wanted.
Instead, I slowly tuck a few strands of her light brown hair behind her ear and reveled in their softness between my rough fingers. That’s as close as I would ever get.
“Look at me, Lark.’’ My voice was rough and low, betraying the desire inhabiting me. One look at my crotch would be enough for her to confirm it. I was so hard, even my clothes and my sitting position couldn’t hide it. “Please, look at me now.’’
She bit her full lower lip, and my eyes couldn’t stray from her mouth. Even if her profile was all I could see, it’s enough to make me want to tug on that lip with my teeth so I could suck on it until I heard her moan. It was a sound I had always pictured in the dark hours of the night when thinking of her, the one who had always eluded me.
Slowly, she finally turned her head toward me and released her tantalizing lip from the hold of her white teeth. I looked up to meet her eyes.
Like when she’s always fixing me, I was taken aback by the cerulean color of her eyes, by the strength in them and the power over me they held without her knowing it. But I did know. I was all too aware of it.
“I know you don’t like me, Lark, but knowing you at least respect me means a lot.’’ My Adam’s apple worked, and I wasn’t trying to hide how deeply I was moved. I didn’t care if she thought I was a pussy for it, I didn’t care if some would think I was giving away my man card.
I had learned something in rehab, something I thought very valuable; you didn’t have to push away your feelings and emotions, you had to work with them and sometimes through them. I had spent the better part of my life hiding behind my bright smile and loud laugh, pushing everything away by using sex and women, but that time was over.
“Maxen—’’
“No, listen,’’ I interrupted her and made a move to touch her hand on her thigh, but I stopped myself before my palm came into contact with the back of her hand. I didn't want her to pull away. For all intent and purpose, maybe I could be able to reach out to her and build a friendship. I had never really known what I felt for her and picturing her in my life one way or another was enough to make my breath hitch. That must fucking mean something. “You don’t know this, but for a long time, I didn’t have anything. Shit, up until I met Dex our junior year in high school I had no plans for the future, no drive. I was drifting. Then, I met Dex who was going through a lot worse than me and for the first time I had someone who believed in me, who respected me. Respect means a lot to me, Lark, because when you look beyond the big house, the full bank account and the fame, other than respect and friendship there’s nothing.’’
She blinked at me, her eyes searching for something in mine and I let her. I wasn't the kind of man who shied away. I didn't want her to ever know about my drug addiction, but other than that I didn't have anything to hide.
“What happened for us to always go at each others’ throats back in college?’’ she asked softly, her voice a balm on the wounds I had scratched at. The memory of the times in Dex and I’s small town when my parents were too busy cheating on each other and tearing each other apart to pay attention to me. I pushed away the memory of that time when I didn’t go back home for a full month without warning my parents, and they had never called the cops or asked around to find out where I was. Instead of letting myself be snatched back to that dark place in my head, I focused all my attention on that woman and her foreign softness.
“I don’t know. We’ve never taken the time to talk. You saw me a certain way, and I didn’t try to make you see beyond the image you’ve had of me. And I let myself think that you weren’t that far off anyway.’’
She smiled at me, it’s a tiny smile really, but it brightened my fucking world, and that shit was scaring me. “For once you didn’t say I was a pain in the ass.’’
I laughed my usual laugh, but instead of it being loud and impossible to ignore, it’s soft as if I didn't want anybody else to witness it. “That’s without saying, Lark.’’
She glared at me, and while it’s very familiar to see that fierce look on her face, turning her eyes a deeper blue, it seemed different. It’s almost playful in a way, and I had to fight a smile from breaking out.
“You’re such an asshole.’’
“Hey now, at least I’m a good looking one. It’s more than most assholes out there can say,’’ I retorted with a wink at her, and she narrowed her eyes at me more.
She leaned toward me to push my face away in a playful move, but when her warm palm touched my cheek covered by thick blonde stubble, we both froze and stopped smiling, locking eyes in an instant.
We’re still sitting on the couch, but she’s now turned toward me on her side while my face was very close to hers. In her eyes, I saw the tiny specks of darker blue mingling with the overall lighter shade. Her thick eyelids framing her almond shaped eyes gave them that enthralling look I couldn’t resist. But even though I was mesmerized by her eyes and the darker hue they’re turning into, I couldn’t stop my eyes from traveling down to her mouth. Her lips had a light shine to them from her lip balm. They parted when my nostrils flared at the overwhelming urge rising in me to close the small space between us. And she gasped.
Fuck.
I wasn’t thinking beyond the blind need stroked by her damn hand still on my face. She must now see what I wanted, but she didn’t pull away. She didn’t pull away.
I ran my tongue along the seam of my lips, and her eyes fell on them, hooded. Without pondering any longer, without keeping in mind that it’s a really bad idea, probably the worst idea I’d had since snorting that first line of coke over a year ago, I leaned closer until my nose touched the bridge of hers, slowly. I kept my eyes open on hers, watched her pupils getting larger, darkening their color further and then I surrendered to this moment and closed my eyes.
I brought a hand to her face, and brushed her cheek lightly, her small and round chin, the dip under her lower lip. She’s breathing faster now, her breath hitting my face in small gasps that had me growling low in my throat. Everything in me screamed to take her mouth, hard and desperately, but I didn’t. I couldn’t treat her like other women because she wasn’t like any other woman to me. She had never been.
I traced a path along her jaw with my thumb as I brought my hand behind her head and into her thick hair to finally close the space between our mouths.
Nothing could have prepared me for this.
I had kissed hundreds of women, and while it wasn’t someth
ing to boast about exactly, I could safely say that kissing Lark and what it made me feel wasn’t something you often came across.
Her lips were pliant under mine, already opening as soon as mine touched hers. I did what I had always wanted to do and sucked on her lower lip, tasting her cherry lip balm first and then what must be all Lark. My hand behind her head twitched and gripped her tighter. I slipped my tongue into her awaiting mouth, earning myself a small moan that went straight to my already painfully hard cock. When her tongue met mine and started chasing mine, trying to control the kiss I didn't want to surrender to her, I growled in her mouth, shaking from head to toes as if my whole fucking body had been electrified. I wanted to crawl over her, to feel her body under mine and hear that moan again, but louder this time and at the same time, I didn’t want to break that kiss.
So, I didn’t.
I put my other hand on her face, under her chin and tilted her head upward to let me deepen the kiss even more. I wanted to devour all of her, but I would settle for her mouth for now. And damn, she wasn’t shying away.
She parted her lips wider and ran her tongue along mine until she slipped it into my mouth and caressed the roof of my mouth. I growled again, and she answered with a moan. Her hand flexed on my cheek. I tried to get closer to her, to push my chest against hers to feel her delicious breasts, but she froze and stopped kissing me.
I felt the switch in her as if someone had stolen my covers on a winter morning to leave me in a cold room. Slowly, she pulled away, her glassy eyes wide open and immediately locking on mine. Her cheeks were red, her lips swollen and the skin around them slightly pink from my stubble. She’s so damn breathtaking.
“Wh-what was that?’’ she asked slowly, stuttering in a shaky voice as she let her hand fall from my face to her lap.
I looked away when I saw the stunned expression on her face turning to fear and then to anger. “I don’t think you need a picture.’’
“The fuck, Maxen! You kissed me! What’s wrong with you!’’ She stood up abruptly and walked away from the couch to pace in front of me, wringing her hands, shaking her head every five seconds.
I glared at her, and as soon as her voice rose and her blame hit me square in the chest, I jumped to my feet. She stopped pacing and faced me with the coffee table between us.
“Don’t fucking think about blaming me for this, Lark! You kissed me back,’’ I bit with an anger I didn’t remember ever feeling so strongly. It’s like blood rushed to my head to hit my temples in a continuous flow while a burning energy gathered in my limbs. “I wasn’t restraining you. You could have pulled back anytime, but you didn’t. You fucking didn’t!’’
Her eyes turned hard after she recovered from my outburst and she shook her head. “I can’t…I can’t stay here.’’ She made a move to turn around when I laughed hard and humorlessly. The sound was harsh in the room, echoing around us and chilling me to my bones.
“Right, run away and hide. It looks like it’s something you always do with me. First after Vegas and now this. But you’re right, leave instead of asking you the right question.’’
She turned back to face me and narrowed her eyes into small slits, her lips pursed. I watched her chest moving up and down hard and fast with her barely controlled anger. I was no better.
“You seem to know everything so tell me, oh bright Maxen, which question I should be asking myself.’’
I glared harder at her, at hearing her sarcasm and at the same fucking time I get turned on at seeing her not backing down when it’s so obvious I was ready to snap when my glare could frighten most. She didn’t care that I was bigger than her, had pounds of muscles and that she knew I could be a mean fucker when I wanted to be behind my light-hearted and smiling character. My dick was at half-mast again when she crossed her arms over her heaving chest, tapping her foot waiting for the next few words to leave my mouth. And fuck, I didn’t know why fighting with her had always been so exciting and maddening.
“Why did you kiss me back, Lark? Ask yourself that because, sweetheart, that didn’t feel like you were repulsed on that fucking couch.’’
I expected her to reply something hard, something to hit right where it’d hurt me, but nothing came. She tensed more and then turned around. “I’m going to Dex’s.’’ And she ran up the stairs to come back down two minutes later without a glance my way as I was still standing in front of the couch, watching her disappear in the hall leading to the front door. Only when the door closed behind her, I let myself fall back on the couch.
Apparently, she didn’t need to say anything to hurt me. Leaving without a word or a look my way did the trick just fine.
I laid a hand on my left pec and felt the hard heartbeats under my palm.
I had kissed my wife for the first time, and she’s going to leave tomorrow. She hadn’t been in my life since we were both twenty-one, but it’s harder to have had her for a couple of days here and see her leave my life again now.
I had thought I felt the need to get high several times since I had left the rehab center, but it was nothing compared to how I felt right now. I was tempted to grab my phone and text a few friends living close by for an emergency supply, but I stayed put. It’s just a few swipes of my finger on the screen away, but I resisted.
I clenched my hands so tight my knuckles cracked, and I ignored the tingles in my fingertips when I pictured myself sending a quick text for some coke.
“Fuck, I hate this.’’
And I couldn’t lose myself in some meaningless sex with a random woman anymore because that’s my old pattern too. I swore to Dex, Otis, Beckett, and Floyd I’d make an effort and never fall off the wagon. I knew fucking my way through that pain would only end up leading me to drugs again, so I kept watching the TV without really seeing it. I let myself regret my words. I let myself be afraid of never seeing Lark before we’re officially divorced. I let myself crave the drugs. I let myself hate myself.
But most of all, I let myself wish that Lark wouldn’t leave just yet.
I let myself be delusional because that’s all I could do at that moment.
I let myself feel every-fucking-thing.
MAXEN
You okay, fucker? — D
I snorted at reading Dex’s text a few hours after Lark had left my house to go to his. I shook my head and almost didn’t answer, but knowing how worried he was these days he’d probably break down my front door thinking I was high as a kite or drinking myself until I would snore on the floor after throwing up on myself or, if I’d be lucky, in the toilet.
I grabbed my phone and lazily typed a text back.
All good in this perfect fucking world. Don’t worry. —M
What happened with Lark? —D
Nothing worth mentioning. Talk to you tomorrow. —M
I turned off my phone before he texted me again and I rubbed at my eyes, wondering if I shouldn’t just go to bed even if it’s too damn early to eat dinner, much less sleep. But who cared? I lived alone, and I was too fucking tired to keep my eyes open. I got back to my feet, grabbed the remote from the couch and turned off the TV before I threw it on the table. Slowly, I made my way to the stairs, lost in my thoughts, mostly replaying that damn kiss in my head when someone cleared their throat behind me.
I whirled around and found Dex leaning against the wall of the hall. “What the fuck are you doing here? And you didn’t even ring the doorbell! What if I had been balls deep in a woman, huh?’’
Dex smirked at me, and I started relaxing, really relaxing for the first time since I kissed Lark. My shoulders sagged, and I unclenched my fists.
“I remember what you told us about trying for abstinence as part of your program. It’s safe to come here without risking seeing your pasty ass.’’
I mock glared my best friend and brought my hands in front of me next to each other, flashing him my tattooed knuckles forming the words ‘fuck you’ with a black star on my last knuckle.
He shook his head and nodded in th
e direction of the living room, and I followed him there, going back to my place on the couch. “Tell me what went wrong with Lark.’’
I sighed and sat straighter, grabbing the discarded iPad on the coffee table to play the first playlist I found to get some sound and break the mourning atmosphere in the room. The first chords of “On my Sleeve” by Creed sounded and I looked back at my best friend patiently waiting for me to open my trap. He’s a stubborn fucker.
“When Lark and I are in the same room, nothing good can come from it.’’
“That was true before she was your wife.’’
I glared at him and looked away at the backyard through the huge bay windows. “I really don’t want to talk about my marriage, Dex. It’s not like it’s a real one, damn it.’’
“If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t have to get a divorce to end it,’’ he replied, and I had to stop myself from getting back to my feet and leaving the room. I settled for giving him my middle finger, and the fucker only smirked again at me.
“You know what I mean, don’t be dumber than you are.’’
“You sound frustrated. Maybe the lack of sex is turning you into a grump,’’ he chuckled and punched my shoulder playfully like we had always done since we became friends.
I massaged my temples and cringed. “I kissed Lark.’’
“Oh.’’
I nodded and ran a hand through my hair, and felt strands sticking straight up on top of my head. “She kissed me back, Dex, but then she got angry at me and just left. Fuck, she didn’t even look at me.’’
We fell silent and listened to the music playing. I didn’t see what was left to say. The only woman who had ever done a number on me couldn’t leave fast enough after I had my tongue in her perfect fucking mouth.
“Give her some space. Damn, Maxen, you two have always been difficult to follow when together.’’
“You don’t seem that surprised.’’
He shrugged and scratched his five o’clock shadow on his right cheek and leaned back on the couch, stretching his legs apart in front of him, his feet ending under the table. I mirrored him and released a deep breath. The muscles in my back ached from the tension in them.
Maxen (Kinky Shine Book 2) Page 7