Until It's Time To Go

by Connie Bailey

  “You must feel like shit.”

  Isaac sighed. “Yeah.”

  “So listen, if you finalize things with this guy, look me up, okay?”

  “You’re at the top of the list.”

  “Cool. Guess I’ll be seeing you then.”

  “It was really great to meet you, Andrew.”

  “Yeah, me too,” Andrew said, giving Isaac an awkward little wave as he went back in the house.

  “Well, that sure puts some perspective on things,” Isaac said to the watering can.

  WHEN the guests had gone and the majority of the mess had been cleaned up, Janelle and Isaac sat down with cups of coffee.

  “I can’t believe it’s been over two weeks,” Janelle said. “Seems like two days.”

  “I was thinking about changing my return ticket, but there are a couple of things I need to take care of back home.”

  “No shit,” Janelle replied. “I’m going to meddle now, so listen close. If you have a chance at happiness with Colby Lightner—or anyone—don’t let it slip away from you. You have enough regrets already.”

  “I know you want what’s best for me, but believe me, the thing with Colby could never work out, and I owe him the simple courtesy of telling him.”

  “It doesn’t stand a chance if you give up before you even start. And how about considering the other guy for just a second? Are you okay with how he feels about being tossed aside?”

  “How do you know how he feels?”

  “I’m human, and I know how it feels to be told that you’re not wanted, that you’re not good enough. I know how it feels to wonder what the hell’s wrong with you. It’s not a good feeling.”

  “I know.”

  “Then how can you just shut Colby out?”

  “It sounds to me like Laith told you more than you let on to me.”

  Janelle sighed. “He did.” She sighed again. “Colby called Laith and asked if there was anything Laith could do to help him get you back. I talked to him for a few minutes.”

  “The little weasel!”

  “This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew you’d react badly. Just calm down, okay?”

  “I can’t believe he had the nerve to involve you guys.”

  “He’s desperate. Can’t you see that?”

  “He only wants me because he can’t have me. Typical star behavior.”

  “You’ve been spewing this crap about actors for years. What if Colby’s different?”

  “What if he isn’t?”

  “Are you really not going to give him a chance to prove you wrong?”

  “That’s not a chance I’m willing to take anymore. It hurts too much when I’m right.”

  “That’s too bad. From the way Laith was talking, I thought you’d changed… at least a little, but I guess not.”

  “I don’t like it when you sound disappointed in me.”

  “I’m sad for you.”

  “Don’t pity me. That’s even worse.”

  “How do you expect me to feel? I thought that maybe, just maybe, you were going to crawl out of the bottle and get on with your life, but you’re—”

  “I’ve got my drinking under control,” Isaac interrupted.

  “Good. Now go out and let someone love you. Even if you think it’s impossible.”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  “No fucking kidding. Damn it, Zee, what have you got against making an effort?”

  “How’s this for effort? I’m going to the Screen Actors Guild awards show.”

  “Am I supposed to deduce something from that?”

  “No, but if it pans out, I’ll tell you all about it.”

  Janelle leaned toward Isaac. “Even if you never speak to me again, I have to say this. You can’t keep letting Steve’s death define your life. I know you’ve got this great, bullet-proof reason to hide from the world, but you and I both know Steve would be pissed off at you. He was an actor if you recall.”

  Isaac blinked away the sudden tears. Ten years Steve had been gone and still the mention of his name could reduce Isaac to weeping. “I’m not mad at you,” he said. “I’m hurt, but you’re right. It’s precisely because Steve was an actor that I don’t want to be in love with another one.” Isaac leaned across the short space that separated them and kissed her forehead. “I’ll talk to Colby, and I’ll tell him the truth.”

  “It’ll hurt like hell, but then you’ll feel a lot better.”

  “He’s an actor, not a Band-Aid.”

  “If you say so.” Janelle smiled. “Whatever he is to you, if it works, fight for it.”

  “I’m not much of a fighter.”

  “Bullcrap. Just because you avoid confrontation doesn’t mean you aren’t a fighter.”

  “Are you sure? Because I think you might be wrong about this one.”

  Janelle shook her head. “I know my subject.”

  “Is that why you set me up with Andrew?”

  “I was wondering when you’d bring it up.”

  “So were you matchmaking or making a point?”

  “It’s like tossing a coin when you can’t make a decision. No matter which way it falls, you’re going to find out what you really wanted.”

  “Lesbians are so wise.”

  “To be fair, it’s not that hard to be wiser than you.”

  “And I am well-repaid for my mockery.” Isaac bowed as he stood up. “I’m off to bed.”

  “Is it really two in the morning? I haven’t stayed up this late in ages.”

  “I’m a bad influence.” Isaac kissed Janelle’s forehead as she got up.

  “Good night, Zee. And by the way, I realize this is crass, but Andrew wanted me to make sure you understand that he’s interested when you’re free.”

  Isaac swept a hand down his body. “Nothing this good is free,” he joked.

  “That’s just not true.” Janelle smiled over her shoulder as she climbed the stairs to the loft.

  Two days later, Janelle dropped Isaac off at the regional airport and she and Laith stood arm in arm as they waved good-bye. Isaac watched them out of the small window until the plane climbed through a cloud and he could see nothing but streaming white. When he got off the plane in California, he was determined to see Colby, but he still didn’t know what he was going to say to him. Experience wanted him to tell Colby that it would never work between them. His heart wanted him to beg for Colby’s forgiveness. He knew he loved Colby because the entire time he was making out with Andrew, he wished it was Colby. But just because he loved Colby didn’t mean Colby was good for him.

  “I can’t do this cold,” he said as he got into a rental car. “I need to make plans.”

  Chapter 13

  CALLIE provided Isaac with two VIP invitations to the Screen Actors Guild awards ceremony. After Isaac got Janelle’s permission, he asked Laith if he’d like to attend.

  “I’m a bigass coward,” he muttered as he hung up the phone. “But I can’t do this without someone holding my hand.”

  Laith arrived in LA the morning of the event and spent most of the day helping Isaac buy a new suit. Isaac had already bought two new suits, but Laith refused to be seen with him in either. Under the kind guidance of a young employee at Emporio Armani, Isaac’s credit card got another workout and he acquired a full suit of clothes down to the underwear. The ensemble was, to quote Laith and the salesman, tasty. Laith was thrilled when Isaac insisted he choose a few items of apparel and swiftly took his godfather up on the offer.

  “Since I’m using you to bolster my resolve, my guilt requires that I spoil you outrageously while you’re here,” Isaac said as they got home.

  “That’s cool, but I’m happy just to be here.”

  “Really? Because I can call and cancel the limo.”

  “Since you’ve already gone to the trouble, we might as well enjoy it,” Laith said quickly.

  “You’re sure? Okay then, after we have a bite, we should probably start getting ready.”

  After w
olfing down some cold chicken and potato salad, Isaac and Laith went to their rooms to get dressed. Resplendent in their designer versions of the classic tuxedo, they played Laith’s new video game until the limousine driver rang the doorbell.

  “THIS is amazing,” Laith said as he looked around the room.

  “It’s a pretty typical Hollywood awards party.”

  “I am definitely going to be an actor.”

  “So you can swan around with a drink in your hand twittering to a bunch of phonies?”

  “Are you high?”

  “Okay then, what’s your reason?”

  “I want someplace to go where I can dress this sharp on a regular basis.”

  “Maybe what you really want to be is a model.”

  Laith pretended to straighten the wing collar of his linen shirt. “Not pretty enough,” he said dispassionately. “But I am interesting looking, and if I can learn to act, I think I’ll do all right.”

  “You can count on my support.”

  Laith wasn’t listening. He was staring at something over Isaac’s left shoulder. Isaac turned to see what had captured Laith’s attention and heard Colby’s bubbly laugh.

  “He’s looking good,” Isaac said casually. He let his gaze linger on Colby’s compact frame in the tailored tuxedo, on the artfully tousled mop of sun-streaked hair, and the smile… the smile that packed enough wattage to power Broadway for a year.

  “Looking good?” Laith raised an eyebrow. “That’s all you have to say?”

  “Don’t get snippy unless you want to wait in the limo.”

  “Like that’s any kind of punishment.”

  “Just don’t rag me about Colby, okay?”

  “I’m not. I’m just pointing out that this is your chance.”

  “For what exactly?”

  “Oh, come on. We both know that you made a big mistake when you kicked him to the curb and that you desperately want him back. We both know you’re never going to go make the monumental effort of actually calling him and setting up a meeting. And we both know that you knew he’d be here tonight.”

  “All true, but—”

  “No buts. You can’t win if you don’t play.” Laith gave Isaac a shove with his shoulder. “What are you waiting for? A dare?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “I’m serious. If you don’t go talk to him, I’ll never talk to you again. In fact—”

  Isaac cringed as Laith called out Colby’s name. “Great,” he muttered as Colby turned and saw them. He raised his hand in a lame little wave. “I was hoping to choose my moment.”

  Colby said something to the man and woman he was standing with and then walked over to Laith and Isaac. “Nice hair,” he said to Laith. “I assume that’s your natural color.”

  “It’s kind of boring, but Jessie likes it,” Laith said, smiling smugly.

  “Jessie?” Colby’s eyebrows disappeared under his shaggy bangs.

  “I met him when I started playing this new Japanese video game, and we hooked up at the Game Spot in the mall.”

  “I assume he’s a decent, upstanding young man, or Isaac would have gotten rid of him by now,” Colby said.

  Laith glanced at Isaac again. “I’m dying of thirst,” he said. “Either of you guys want anything?”

  “He’s too cluey for his age,” Colby said as Laith walked away. “You know he’s leaving so we can talk privately, yeah?”

  “I’d like that.”

  “I can’t think of any reason to give you any more of my time.”

  “You’ve got every right to say no, but I hope you won’t.”

  “Oh, have you finally made up your mind?”

  “I realized a few more things. I’d really like a chance to talk with you. Doesn’t have to be right now.”

  Colby took a long breath and let it out again. “I’ll probably hate myself in about two seconds, but okay. Let’s find someplace out of the way.”

  Colby and Isaac walked outside and around a fountain to a strip of grass between a line of dwarf orange trees and the wall that surrounded the courtyard.

  “So let’s hear it,” Colby said.

  “First I need to apologize to you. What I did to you was cruel. I was only thinking about myself as usual and pretending it was about something else.”

  “You were pretty clear that you were dumping me for the sake of your sanity.”

  “I’m a weak and selfish man who still can’t understand what you ever saw in him.”

  “You—”

  “Hang on. I’m still apologizing.” Isaac smiled ruefully at the look on Colby’s face. “I know. It’s one for the Guinness Book.” He dropped his head and lowered his voice as he continued. “I ran away from you when you needed me. Not only did I flee the scene, but I belittled your pain.”

  “We’re talking about my little self-created drama, yeah? Come on. We both know it wasn’t a real suicide attempt.”

  “Yeah, but instead of yelling at you, I should have offered to help you. I used Laith as an excuse to shut you out of my life. I didn’t see that I was largely motivated by jealousy. Just when I grew up a little and accepted responsibility for Laith, you stepped in and bonded with him. I was pissed, but at the least, I should have done what was best for Laith. I was mean and stupid and now I’m very sorry. Every day I regret pushing you away.”

  “I’m sorry too. I really think we could have been good for each other. I won’t lie and say I don’t think about you. You changed my career and made me grow up a little too.”

  “All I want to hear is that you’re happy.”

  “I’m as happy as I can be for a man with no one special in his life.” Colby finished the drink in his hand. “So do I get to hear the epiphany that changed your life?”

  “It’s pretty simple really. I have to accept there are just some things that will always be a mystery. Like why Punkin’s kidneys suddenly went bad on him. Like why Laith is hated by kids that don’t even know him. Like why Steve was hit by a car.” Isaac paused. “I’ve finally accepted I may never know who killed Steve. But I also know that finding his killer isn’t the point. The point is that Steve’s gone, and I’m never going to find a reason why, because there isn’t one. It didn’t happen because of something I did. It’s not something that was done to me. It just happened. That’s what I need to deal with.”

  “Good luck with that.”

  “Are you fucking with me? I’m baring my soul to you here.”

  “I’m not fucking with you. I genuinely wish you the best of luck with that. It ain’t easy to deal with. And some day it’ll get even harder when you realize that there might not have been a reason, but there just might be a purpose.”

  “I was hoping for more than some hippie sunshine blown up my ass. I was hoping you might want to stick around and help me out with my issues.”

  Colby’s eyes narrowed. “Are you asking me to come back to you?”

  “I am. I’m asking. I’m pleading. I’m begging. Please take me back.”

  “You’re sure about this?”

  “Yes I am. No more sudden lane changes or one-eighties. I want to commit to you the way I’ve committed to Laith… for life.”

  “You fucker, you’re going to make me cry.”

  “You can cry on cue, so that doesn’t impress me much.”

  Colby gasped and then chuckled. “Way to ruin the moment. I was actually in tears until your snarky remark. I’ve missed your bullshit.”

  “Enough to take several more rations of it?”

  “You want an answer from me right now?”

  “Of course not. Look, I know I can’t give you any proof that I’ll stand by you. I know it’s just words, but that’s all I’ve got. Some guys are good-looking. Some guys are natural athletes. Fate gave me a love of words and a certain facility with them.”

  “Aren’t you lucky that’s one of my favorite things?”

  “I just have one more thing to say, okay?”

  “Bullshit. You never have j
ust one more thing to say.”

  Isaac met Colby’s eyes. “You’re entitled to a little payback, if you ask me. So if you want me to crawl, I won’t think less of you.”

  “Payback is so not my style.” Colby dropped his empty glass to the ground and took a step closer to Isaac. “If you were smart, you’d take the hint and kiss me.”

  “I don’t expect you to take me back just like—”

  “You’re your own worst enemy, Zevin,” Colby said as he pulled Isaac into a kiss.

  “It can’t be this easy,” Isaac said when their lips parted.

  “Of course not. I can forgive you, because I love you, but you’re going to have to win me back. In fact, I want you to pursue me the way I pursued you.”

  “Fair enough.” Isaac paused. “More than fair.” He paused. “And it’s not payback at all.”

  “It’s a second chance,” Colby said. “Don’t blow it.”

  “I’d like to go out with you sometime,” Isaac said. “What do you think?”

  “What? Like a date? A real date?”

  “We never actually had one of those, did we?”

  “No we didn’t, but that’s probably because I threw myself at you so hard.”

  “I’ll never figure out what you saw in me.”

  “So?”

  “So what if I stop doing whatever it is that makes you want me?”

  “God, you really are a mass of insecurities. I’ve changed my mind.” Colby kept a straight face for less than two seconds. “You should see the look on your face.”

  “Damn it!” Isaac looked surprised by the volume of his voice. “Sorry.”

  “You obviously felt strongly about it.”

  “It’s just that I was so angry for so long. I get mad all over again when I think about how much time I wasted just being disappointed and pissed off. I expected the worst and I got it.”

  “If you’d just listen to me, you’d see that most things really are mind over matter. And most things really don’t matter that much in the long run. The things that do matter—”

  “You’re just fucking with me now, aren’t you?”

  “Kind of, yeah. You’re just so cute when you get that look on your face.”