Phi Alpha Pi

by Sara Marks

  “Oh?”

  “She has been in a funk since Charlie and I started dating. Something happened this afternoon. She and Wil had an argument. Charlie and I went out for coffee and when we got back Caroline was going through the house slamming doors and stomping feet like a sullen teenager.”

  Lizbeth didn’t dare ask about Wil’s presence. She didn’t want to know that he wouldn’t be at the dinner either. She spent most of her evenings at the library working on her defense presentation. She had to go through the thesis paper and decide what to present to her panel of faculty members. She had to decide how much to present and what to allow them to ask about. Some of the librarians gave her feedback and helped her anticipate questions. On Friday she arrived at her defense to find the classroom full. Younger honors students often went to the defenses of graduating seniors. She was thrilled to see that a few faculty members, her librarian colleagues, and some of her sorority sisters had come. Lizbeth hadn’t realized how many people on campus knew her and about her research. She watched as Jane pulled out her phone and gave Lizbeth a thumbs-up. Jane turned the phone to face her and Lizbeth saw her parents on the screen. Lizbeth waved to them and felt a bit more comfortable knowing they were watching it live.

  Lizbeth wasn’t nervous about the defense. She had seen other defenses over the past four years. She knew what to expect. She was wearing comfortable but professional clothes and good shoes for standing. Her presentation was mostly charts, graphs, and quotes from her interviews. She had her anxiety under control, but that changed when, right before the defense started, Wil walked into the room and stood in the back. He was wearing a leather jacket, dark wash jeans, and his black chucks. When he took off his leather jacket, Lizbeth saw that he was wearing a bright red Sriracha t-shirt. Lizbeth’s eyes were drawn to the bright white rooster on the sea of red. Lizbeth looked up at Wil and bit her lip to stifle a giggle. Wil raised one eyebrow as if to issue a challenge. Lizbeth was glad when Dr. Bennett started welcoming everyone so she could re-focus.

  “Good morning, everyone,” Dr. Bennett said. “I think this is the best turnout we have ever had for a senior honors thesis defense. That doesn’t really surprise me considering the community Lizbeth has created over the past few years. She’s excited about her research. Everyone gets pulled into helping her. Anyway, today, for those who aren’t familiar with how a defense works, we will hear from Lizbeth about her research for about thirty minutes. I understand her family is watching from Boston. After that there will be a question-and-answer period. Please, if you have questions about her research, hold them until the committee has had a chance to ask her. Our questions are to help us make a decision about the success of her thesis and defense. You’ll have plenty of time to talk to her after the committee starts deliberating. The entire room, aside from the committee members, will wait outside while we deliberate. After we have decided, we will welcome Lizbeth back into the room and anyone present can join her. This is when we will announce our final decision. Does everyone understand?”

  Dr. Bennett waited for everyone to nod or say yes before moving into introducing the committee and turning things over to Lizbeth. Her presentation, which lasted twenty minutes in practice, took the entire thirty minutes. Lizbeth made sure to take her time and not speak too quickly in her excitement. She tried to make eye contact with the room, but found herself gravitating to Wil and that damned T-shirt. When she noticed she was looking at him she would quickly find Jane, Marie or Dr. Bennett. The questions were a mix of ones she had anticipated and others she hadn’t expected. She was careful to acknowledge gaps in her research rather than simply not knowing an answer. She thought she handled everything quite well. At some point during the questions and answers, Wil slipped out of the room without her noticing.

  Most people left as soon as Dr. Bennett asked them to, congratulating Lizbeth as they left. Jane, Charlie and Marie all stayed with her in the hall.

  “We are so proud of you, sweetheart,” Layla said to Lizbeth when Jane handed the phone over.

  “I hope I did well.”

  “You were fantastic,” Jack said with a smile.

  “Did Jane introduce you to Charlie yet?” Lizbeth asked.

  Lizbeth handed the phone back to Jane and scanned the hallways for Wil. He was nowhere to be found. When she got back to her friends, she heard Jack telling Charlie and Jane about his plans for a graduation party.

  “Now, Jane, I’ve talked to your parents and we’re all doing this. I have a friend in the area who’s going to let Abe take over his kitchen. We’re working on the menu now, so give Lizbeth any information we need to know or food you want to have. Charlie, if your parents want to be included, just say the word.”

  “I’m sure they would be thrilled. I’ll make sure and have them get in touch,” Charlie said.

  “Lizbeth can give you my email address and they can get in touch any time,” Jack said.

  Lizbeth didn’t know exactly what her family was planning, but the only thing she really wanted to know was if Wil and Ginny would be included.

  ***

  “Lizbeth, the committee was very impressed with your research,” Dr. Bennett said when they were invited back into the room twenty minutes later. “We have a few edits we want you to make to the text. Mostly, tighten up the conclusion. We’ve made our notes on this copy here and if you can get it back to me by the end of next week, I can submit your grades and get the final version bound,” Dr. Bennett said, handing Lizbeth a printed copy of her thesis.

  “I pass?”

  “Was that ever a question?”

  ***

  Lizbeth had a long lunch with Dr. Bennett. They talked about her publishing options with her research and drank a bit more wine than they should have. When lunch was over, her thesis advisor put her in a taxi and Lizbeth watched, out the back window, as he got in one himself. Back at the house she took a short nap and woke up to someone knocking on her door.

  Lizbeth got up and opened the door.

  “What’s up, Marie?”

  “Wil’s downstairs. He wondered if you were around. What should I tell him?”

  “Tell him I’ll be down in like... five minutes,” Lizbeth said.

  “Five girl minutes or five real minutes?”

  “Five real minutes.”

  Lizbeth was a mess after her nap. She brushed her teeth to get rid of sleep breath. She brushed her hair since it was all a mess now. She put on clean jeans and a T-shirt. As she picked out which T-shirt, she remembered the one he wore for her defense. She wished she had one of equal brilliance, but instead she pulled out a simple black one. She freshened her makeup, what little she wore, and went downstairs. She had only taken 3 minutes and she was impressed with herself. All self-confidence and self-assurance faded away when she saw Wil waiting in the living room. He was just sitting there, waiting. There was no computer, no book, and no scowl. He smiled when he saw her and she felt her stomach tighten. She realized, in that moment, that she had often felt like this when she saw him. She had been so angry about his early rejection that she denied what she really felt. That seemed like forever ago. Now she understood her feelings much better.

  “Hi,” Wil said with a smile.

  He was wearing his normal dark jeans and black Chucks. Lizbeth couldn’t tell if he was still wearing the Sriracha shirt under his leather jacket.

  “What’s up?” Lizbeth asked.

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t stay after the defense. I had a class.”

  “I’m glad you were able to come.”

  “I hope you weren’t angry.”

  “No, I was just a bit surprised. I didn’t think you were that interested.”

  “I was... am interested in...” Wil stammered with a blush.

  Lizbeth just stood there, not sure what else to do.

  “So, um, would you be interested in getting dinner?” Wil asked after an un
comfortable silence.

  “Now?”

  “Well, yes? I need to talk to you about... things...”

  “Okay, let me go grab my purse.”

  “Don’t change or anything. It’s not fancy.”

  ***

  The restaurant was packed with students. They ordered a basket of wings and fries to share, along with some beers. They had driven over in a silence. Lizbeth wanted to avoid filling with meaningless chatter. She waited for Wil to be ready to say his piece. When they sat down at their table, Wil took off his jacket and Lizbeth was thrilled to see he was still wearing the shirt. She forced herself not to break out in giggles.

  “I had Lydia talk to Ginny,” Wil said after the beers had arrived.

  “She told me.”

  “She told you everything?”

  “She didn’t do it in her typical way, but I believe she told me as much as she was ready to say.”

  “You don’t owe me anything. That’s not why I did it.”

  “I understand that. It doesn’t change my gratitude. I could never have done that for her. She told me because she believed I’d misjudged you and wanted to fix it. I think that’s all she can do to thank you right now.”

  “I should have said something when I noticed Jorge sniffing around. I thought he would realize you had nothing and would go away on his own. Obviously, I was wrong on both counts. I misjudged you too. I’m sorry about that.”

  “To be fair, I stacked the odds on that.”

  “I’m also sorry I’ve been avoiding you all semester and I think I have to apologize for Caroline’s behavior to you. I discovered, recently, that she believes she and I should be dating. She has been trying to make sure I dislike you.”

  “I suspected as much after Paris.”

  “She asked me if I knew your father was a famous chef.”

  “I’m surprised she realized that. She seemed confused through the entire dinner.”

  “She told me some of what happened at Saint Sulpice. I’m sorry for that too.”

  “Wil, that is not your fault. You don’t need to apologize for Caroline’s actions.”

  Wil looked at her, but didn’t say anything. Lizbeth felt he wanted to apologize for apologizing, but he didn’t.

  “My sister is in Boston for her spring break this week,” Wil finally said.

  “To see your aunt?”

  “To see your sister. My aunt is pissed. I guess they are staying with your grandparents and Ginny refused to go see Katherine.”

  Lizbeth was shocked.

  “Really? This is all news to me.”

  “Katherine and Ginny don’t get along. She thinks Katherine is a control freak who wants to marry her off to some old white guy.”

  Lizbeth thought about it for a moment.

  “I feel like I should be shocked, but Ginny’s probably right. Your aunt clearly thinks highly of Caroline. I trust your sister’s judgement more than I trust your aunt’s.”

  “My sister is eighteen.”

  “Exactly. She may say shocking things, but her instincts are probably spot on.”

  “Her judgement has not been the best in the past.”

  “Think about things from her perspective. Jorge was there when she needed someone and you weren’t, for whatever reason, available to her. He’s a master at preying on the weaknesses of women, no matter what age. I fell for him for a while. Your mistake was only in underestimating the lengths he was willing to go to get what he wanted. You thought better of him then he deserves because you couldn’t conceive of how desperate he is. It’s foreign to all of us. Ginny probably learned quite a lot from what happened. She clearly worships you. You may baby her a bit, but you don’t belittle her. She has you wrapped around her finger. Would you have spent so much time with my family over the winter break if it weren’t for her?”

  “Probably not. I assumed that was your sister’s influence more than mine.”

  “My sister is an extrovert who likes to be the center of attention, but she needs an equal collaborator when she’s up to shenanigans. If she sees your sister as an equal then you probably underestimate your sister. If anyone in my family has the potential to save or destroy the world, it’s Becca.”

  “I can’t tell if you like your sister or not.”

  “I love my sister and I usually like her. Actually, I wonder what would happen if we put Becca up against Jorge?”

  Wil looked like he was thinking about that.

  “I get what you mean about saving or destroying the world. I can imagine her against Jorge in an epic battle. I keep picturing Godzilla movies,” he eventually said.

  “Becca would obviously be Godzilla: destructive good,” Lizbeth said.

  “She is a bit of a megalomaniac.”

  “Yes, but she knows it.”

  “You make so much more sense compared to Becca.”

  “I learned at a young age to be a bit more aggressive and independent. Poor Josh just gave up and went to cook with my father.”

  “My father put me in charge of Ginny. He thought she was this gentle, shy, and accommodating girl. She was a baby when our mother died and our father was typically working. Who else was going to take care of her, if not me?”

  “That’s a lot of weight to have on your shoulders. It wasn’t terribly realistic or fair of your father.”

  “He thought it would make a man of me to learn how to take care of a woman.”

  Lizbeth couldn’t help but roll her eyes.

  “Do you remember your mother being that type of woman?” she asked.

  “Compared to Katherine, yes. Everyone looks gentle and nurturing next to her. When Katherine learned about Lydia, my aunt said she deserved it. I was right there and was angrier than I thought I could be. I wondered if she had said that when the same thing happened to Ginny? My aunt calls herself a feminist, but no feminist I know would ever say another woman deserved what happened to Lydia.”

  “To be fair to Katherine...”

  “No,” Wil said. “I can’t let you be fair to Katherine because Anne confirmed that Katherine had said it about Ginny, too.”

  Lizbeth watched as Wil snapped his plastic fork in half. He took a deep breath, put the broken pieces on the table, and laid his hands flat.

  “I’m sorry she has hurt you so much, Wil,” Lizbeth said and put her hand over his.

  Wil looked into her eyes. Lizbeth left her hand on Wil’s until the waiter brought their food. As they ate, they talked about other things.

  “I have spent more time with Ginny this semester. If I’m not with her, I stay out of the house to avoid Caroline.”

  “Really? She thinks you’ve been with me.”

  Wil gave Lizbeth a look that she didn’t understand.

  “What about your plans after graduation?” Lizbeth asked when Wil didn’t respond.

  “I’m still waiting to hear from Harvard and Columbia about their MBA programs.”

  “Where do you want to go?”

  “I was planning on staying here and having Ginny start college here in the fall. That was part of why I transferred in the first place. I wanted to be closer to her, but I also wanted to make sure it would be a good fit for her.”

  “Has that changed?”

  “Yeah, she doesn’t want to stay in Georgia. She wants to go to NYU.”

  “Becca decided to go to NYU.”

  The two of them laughed.

  “What does that mean for you? Do you want to go home?” Lizbeth asked.

  “Yes and no. I can’t seem to make up my mind anymore. Everything I took for granted about the world has shifted. Everything I thought I wanted a few months ago now seems completely foreign to me. All I want now are things I never would have imagined for myself when I first got here.”

  Lizbeth didn’t know how to react to this
. She felt positive she was supposed to say something, but didn’t know what.

  “What about you? Where are you going to graduate school?” Wil asked.

  “Both Harvard and Columbia accepted me to their programs. I just haven’t picked yet.”

  ***

  The ride back to the sorority house was quiet. They were dancing around something and Lizbeth couldn’t decide if she should be the one to speak. It was hard to let Wil take the lead, but he had started all of this. Lizbeth found herself playing out little fantasies of how these last few moments together could go. She was so engrossed in her thoughts that she didn’t realize the car had stopped until Wil had turned off the engine and she had taken off her seatbelt. They weren’t at the sorority house and they weren’t at Wil’s townhouse. They were in the empty commuter parking lot on the edge of campus.

  “Lizbeth, you weren’t wrong about me at Thanksgiving. I have been stuck on this all semester. That is why I have been avoiding you,” Wil blurted out in one breath.

  “Oh...”

  “No, please let me finish because I do not think I can finish if you say something. I was angry when I wrote that letter at Thanksgiving. I was wounded and confused about how I had misread the entire situation. When I came to deliver it, I was forced to reconsider everything I had assumed about you. The moment I met you, I had assumed you were a specific type of woman. I placed that assumption on you, Jane, Lydia, Marie, Caroline, and Ginny. I ignored the woman each of you really is so I could force you into the molds of what I wanted you to be. Every moment I spent with you in New York challenged my entire world view. What I did for Lydia was to help me correct my mistake. What you believe I did for Jane was the same thing. I knew if I was ever going to have this moment with you again, that I had to be a better person.”

  Wil paused to take a breath.

  “I am trying my hardest to be who I want to be, not who the people around me want me to be. My hope is that you like the real me more than the person I have been pretending to be. I said everything wrong at Thanksgiving, but my feelings have not changed. I love you. I have never loved anyone before. I like who I am when I’m with you. I love how you make me feel. I love how frustrating you can be and how aggressive you are when you are passionate about something. I love the way you smell. I love how warm your skin is when you touch me. I love looking into your eyes and hearing you speak. Lizbeth, please tell me if your feelings have not changed since Thanksgiving.”