Learning to Love

by Erin Trejo

  We climb in the van and I’m thankful that it was dark out. I don’t know that my eyes would have adjusted well to the light.

  Mouse is set in my lap as I cradle her body to me.

  “You’re gonna be okay, Mouse.” Whispering in her ear, I move to press my lips to her forehead.

  “Where to?” I look up at Link before looking back down at Mouse.

  “The hospital.”

  She’s all that matters. She’s all I care about at this point. She’s broken, and damn near ruined. I have to get her the help she deserves.

  She’ll make it through this. She’s stronger than she thinks.

  Chapter 7

  Mouse

  I shift feeling the softness that I haven’t had in a long time.

  I pry my eyes open thinking it was all just a dream. It has to be.

  “You’re awake.” A voice speaks next to me. I turn my head to see an older man in a lab coat.

  “Where am I?” I ask. He moves toward me, a clipboard in his hand.

  “You’re in the hospital. Your father will be back soon. Do you remember anything about your accident?” he asks. Accident? I wasn’t in an accident. What the hell is he talking about?

  “The guy... Jace. Where is Jace?” I push myself up, glancing around the room. He isn’t here. Where is he?

  “You were brought in alone.” The doctor checks a few more things before he turns and leaves.

  The door clicks shut behind him before I lie back. How did we get out? Did he get out?

  So many things spin around in my head, but the worry for Jace is at the front of it all.

  The door opens, and my dad steps inside. The shudder that rips through me is no surprise.

  “Glad to see you’re awake. You’ve been out for a while.” He stalks through the room like he belongs here. This is all his fault!

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, not at all happy to see him. His smile falls as he looks me over.

  “I’m your father.” The growl that comes out of him scares me. He scares me.

  “This happened to me because of you!” I shriek. He shakes his head, clearly not understanding the issue here.

  “I mean it... they wanted information on you!” Snapping at him, he runs his hand over his face.

  “What did you tell them?” The rage that I’ve always seen in him is there and shining brightly. Of all the things he could care about, that’s what it is.

  “Nothing, Father. I didn’t tell thema thing. I took every last hit—every last punch—for you.” He almost looks relieved. You have got to be kidding me!

  “Well, that’s good to know. I will figure out who did this and handle it accordingly. As soon as you are released, Max will be here to bring you home.” My mouth hangs open when he speaks.

  He doesn’t care about me, he never has. I shouldn’t be surprised by his reaction, but it hurts just the same.

  My whole life has been like this. Not wanted... I don’t know why I let that bother me now. Maybe because I was held for God only knows how long against my will? Maybe because he was the reason that I was being held in the first place. I don’t know what it is, but it pisses me off just the same.

  Chapter 8

  Bullet

  I lie back, with a beer in my hand, and a cigarette hanging from my lips. God, I’m glad to be out of that hell.

  “She’s okay. She’s going to be fine...” I pop my eyes open to see Aubrie, Micah’s old lady, standing in front of me with a slight grin on her face.

  “Thanks, sweetheart. I was worried about her,” I say. She nods her head but doesn’t walk away. I know she has more to say to me.

  “Sit,” I tell her. She smiles before taking the seat next to me.

  “She can have visitors, Bullet. Maybe you should go see her,” Aubrie says. Has she lost her mind? There’s no way in hell I can see her.

  “Wish it was that easy,” I say. Aubrie huff's before I turn to face her.

  “What can I offer her, Aubrie? I can’t give her any kind of life. I would be draggin’ her from one hell to another.” She sighs, knowing exactly what I mean. This isn’t a life she needs. She needs to be safe and cared for.

  “Well, she’s there for a few days if you change your mind.” Aubrie leans over, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

  I watch her as she stands and walks away. I’m glad Micah finally got his shit together and got back with her.

  I remember the hell that fucker went through after she left. That’s something I never want to deal with again.

  I drag my beer back to my lips before taking a long pull. It feels good to be able to just drink and rest.

  I missed this if I’m being honest. I missed having my boys around me. I missed being able to come and go as I please.

  But there’s a part of me that misses her, too. I miss the connection we had. I miss feeling her little fingers through that damn hole in the wall.

  I miss that warmth that I know she exuberated.

  “Doin’ okay?” Looking up at Bomber, I nod my head slowly.

  “Just strange bein’ back home, brother.”

  “I’m glad you are though. Wanna ride?” he asks. That perks me up. Hell, I haven’t been on my bike in a long fucking time.

  “Damn right I do! What do you got?” I say a little more anxious than I probably should have. Shoving to my feet, I need this. No matter how low I feel, I need to get my life back on track and my head back in the game.

  “Security run. Shouldn’t run into any shit.” Nodding my head, I follow behind him toward the meeting room.

  This is just what I need to get my ass back in focus.

  I need this time to get my head back on straight and refocus on the road ahead of me.

  Chapter 9

  Mouse

  Sitting in the back of the car, I don’t feel anything. My body is healing, but my mind is so far gone—I don’t know that I will ever get it back.

  Nothing matters anymore. Nothing has any kind of sense. I’m lost. I’m alone.

  I miss him.

  “We’re glad you’re okay,” Max says as he looks at me in the rearview mirror. I meet his gaze before pulling away.

  “Who is we?” mumbling under my breath, he pulls into the driveway at my dad’s house. I don’t want to be here, but I have nowhere else to go.

  Max parks the car before climbing out and opening my door.

  He offers me his hand with that heart stopping smile of his. If he wasn’t working for my dad, he might be doable.

  “I’m glad you’re okay. If no one else is... I am.” I give him a soft smile, not knowing how to take his comment. He works for that asshole. He didn’t even look for me.

  “I’m healing. It’s weird to be outside again, though. Can we walk for a while?” I don’t want to be cooped up in the house. I don’t want to face the music just yet.

  Max smiles before he nods, grabbing my hand in his.

  “I’m here for you, Trinity. If you ever need to talk, or need a good cry, I’m here.” He tries to reassure me. I give him a quick smile, but I don’t say anything further.

  We walk around the massive yard out behind my dad’s house. It was nice here once. I loved it when I was younger.

  Those times seemed like so long ago. Nothing here is me anymore.

  “Do you ever wonder what life would be like somewhere else? Far away from him?” I ask. Looking up at Max, I wish he would leave. I wished for a long time that he would take me and run, but I know he’s too loyal for that.

  “A few times... it wouldn’t matter where you went, Trinity. He will find you. You are the one sure thing he has and he isn’t going to let that go,” he says, but he doesn’t elaborate. He turns and walks away, leaving me to my own thoughts. Thoughts that I don’t want anymore.

  I’m too old for this. I’m too old to be Daddy’s little puppet, yet, here I am.

  “I wished I’d died in that cell.”

  As much as I know it would have hurt Jace, I should have ended it. He
had to have known that the outside world was just as cruel as that in there. He had to have seen that.

  He was put into that hell just the same as I was and there was a reason for it.

  Chapter 10

  Bullet

  God, I’ve missed this. Flying down the highway, doing what I love. This is it for me.

  All I’ve ever had was this. I have a family outside the club. We don’t talk a lot. That’s on me, though. I sort of cut them off when I went off to war.

  It was for the best. I came back different. I wasn’t the same little boy that they raised. I was off somehow.

  Pulling into the drop off point behind the van, the atmosphere seems perfect.

  We cut the engines before I glance over at Bomber. His eyes are wide, scanning the area for any threats that we might encounter. To be honest, I’d love a good fight right now.

  “We’re good. Let’s set up a perimeter while they unload,” Bomber says before we all move to do as we’re told.

  These runs are always pretty easy. We protect the products and the guys moving it, we get paid. Seems like an easy trade off, but things can change. We’ve had it happen before.

  Micah steps up next to me and says, “You look happy.” I glance over to see his gun in hand, ready for anything.

  “I am... bein’ in that cell was a world all of its own, Micah. It wasn’t even like in the war. I couldn’t defend myself.” He nods his head. He knows how that feels.

  “That’s a hard one to handle. You did it though. Those motherfuckers blew to hell with their little underground cells,” he reminds me. A smile crosses my face. I know they did. I stood back and watched that shit blow, shaking the earth as it went up in smoke and rubble.

  After the guys got us out, Dax had the place wired with explosives. It was a nice sight to see after the hell we lived down there.

  It was a little closure for us, or at least it was for me. I can’t say the same for Mouse, though.

  “You think about her a lot, don’t you?” Micah asks. Glancing over at him, I nod. How could I not?

  “She was a rock for me down there. She kept my head straight when I wanted to go insane, man. As much as I kept her goin’—she did more than that for me.” My eyes gaze around the area, taking it all in. The night sky, the stars that I missed so goddamn much.

  “Go find her,” he says. Shaking my head, that isn’t an option.

  “Nope. Don’t want the past caught up in my future. We’re both out now. I’m sure she has a life of her own. People that missed her.”

  I have to keep telling myself that. I have to reassure this fucked up mind of mine that she has family that probably cares for her out there. Someone had to have missed her. She was a piece of heaven, that much I’m sure of.

  Chapter 11

  Mouse

  “You little slut! You will give us what we want!” He shoves into me harder and harder while his hand wraps around my throat. I can’t breathe and I don’t bother to try.

  Everything in me is hoping this is the last time. I wanted it to be the last time.

  “Where're his accounts?” Another man stands at my head, his fingers hovering over my tightly closed eyes. I can feel him.

  When I don’t answer, he presses against them, sending pain throughout my head.

  I cry out in pain, or as much as I can with the other guy’s hand wrapped around my throat.

  A sharp sting shoots through my side before I realize I’ve ever been stabbed. It doesn’t matter, though. It isn’t the first time.

  “We’ll do this again tomorrow. And then the next day. It will never end until you give us what we want. I’ll keep you on the edge of death, but yank you back the first chance I get.” His growl is real.

  I snap my eyes open, covered in sweat. My heart hammers in my chest when I glance over at the clock. Fuck! I hate these nightmares. I hate everything that they did to me but the worst of it all? I hate that I don’t know where Jace is.

  He left me with someone at the hospital. I heard the story from one of my nurses.

  He paid a guy to bring me in. I wondered why he didn’t just do it himself. Why he didn’t get seen as well. I know he was in as bad of shape as I was. I heard what they did to him no matter how hard he tried to hide it from me. That’s a part of what touched me, too. The fact that he tried to remain strong for me.

  Throwing my legs over the side of my bed, I stand and head into the bathroom. I need out of this house.

  Turning the shower on, I step in, letting the warm water hold me.

  When I close my eyes, I want to picture Jace there holding me, but I have no idea what he even looks like. I wish I could see him, touch him. I wish he was still near me, holding my fingers tightly.

  So many nights we’d fall asleep just like that and it would comfort me. I wasn’t alone then. Even in that hell, I wasn’t alone. He was there.

  Jace was with me. He held me in my dreams. He kept me safe when I knew it was all in my head.

  Now I have nothing. Now I’m alone and I hate the feelings inside of me.

  How does one person use their child for their gain? Why not set them free?

  I wish I knew exactly what my father had planned for me and why he so needs me around.

  I want more than anything to run from here, but I know I can’t. There wouldn’t be anywhere I could go that he wouldn’t find me. He’s done it before, I know he’ll do it again.

  I’m just a pawn in his world.

  Chapter 12

  Bullet

  I stare out the window when Bash says, “You gonna tell me why we are sittin’ in this goddamn diner catchin’ stares like we’re about to blow this shit up?” Glancing over at him, I shake my head before looking back out the window.

  “It’s free food. Shut the fuck up and eat,” I grumble. I hear the fork clinking on his plate. I knew he wouldn’t turn down free food.

  My eyes stay on the building across the street. Watching and waiting. It’s a sad reality that I have to face now.

  I can’t go to her, but that need to know that she is truly okay is ripping me apart.

  So, I watch. From a distance, I watch the building a friend told me she’d be at.

  “You know we look like some fuckin’ stalkers, right?” he says. Pulling my eyes back to meet his, I shake my head again.

  “Can you shut the fuck up for five minutes? I paid that bitch nicely, to let me sit here and look like a fuckin’ stalker.” Bash shrugs, going back to his food. He wouldn’t understand this shit.

  Turning my head, I watch back out the window.

  The front door opens to the building across the street when I see a dark-haired girl walk out. She’s tense, I can see it from here.

  She holds herself tightly. She’s afraid. I’d know that stance anywhere.

  “She doesn’t even know she’s safe,” mumbling the words, it fucking hurts that she still thinks they’re out there. I want to tell her. I do, but I can’t get mixed up in her life.

  “That’s her?” Bash asks as he scoots closer to the window where we watch her together. She’s talking to a man. When he reaches up to touch her arm, she jerks away. My heart falls in my chest.

  “Damn,” Bash mutters as I watch her.

  The man walks away, but Mouse stands there looking shaken. I’d give anything to go to her—hold her.

  “Go talk to her, Bullet,” he says. Shaking my head, I know I can’t. I just watch her stand there.

  When Mouse finally moves, she comes straight across the street toward the diner.

  Bash and I share an awkward glance before looking to the door.

  She rushes in and straight past us, toward the bathroom in tears.

  “Fuck!” I roar, slamming my hands on the table. I fucking hate this.

  She’s a complete mess. She’s not herself. I thought she’d be better once she was out of that hell. I thought she’d have a life, but she’s as fucked up as ever.

  Chapter 13

  Mouse

  As
sobs shake my body, I can’t think anymore. I don’t want to.

  Why is he doing this to me? Why is he keeping me around? I don’t understand how a father could hate his own child so much.

  The bathroom door opens behind me, but I stay huddled in the corner sobbing to myself.

  When I feel hands wrap around me, I try to scream but my mouth is covered. This isn’t happening... Not again. Everything in me wants to go into survival mode.

  “Mouse.” My body immediately relaxes and the hand is dropped from my mouth. I can’t believe it’s him. There is no way it’s him. I’m delusional.

  “Am I dreaming?” I ask more to myself. His chuckle is soft but firm. Oh, God. It is him.

  I try to move to turn and face him, but he doesn’t let me. He holds me in place, my back to his front.

  “It’s better this way. I’m not a good person, Mouse.” His breath is tickling my skin, my body wanting to throw itself into his arms and never come out.

  “You left me, Jace. How could you do that?” I cry. The tears keep falling as my world crumbles again. I wanted him to be there when I woke up just like every day that we were in that hell.

  Waking up alone killed me.

  “It was for the best. I know this hard for you, darlin’ but I need you to know somethin’,” he says. His arms tighten around me. God, I feel so safe in his arms. How is that even possible?

  “The guys that hurt you, that hurt us…. They are all dead. We made sure of that,” he says with such finality. As reassuring as that is, they weren’t the only ones hurting me.

  Only a slight relief comes over me knowing that. The rest of me knows that my father is the one that I fear most.

  “I’m glad they can’t hurt us anymore, Jace. But now I have a whole new fear.” He blows out a breath before his lips touch my neck.

  So soft, yet hot. I want to see him, I want to see his face. I want to know that the man I held onto for so long is really here with me.

  “You don’t need to fear anything else. They’re gone. They won’t hurt you anymore.” He repeats his words, but that does nothing for me.