California Dreaming

by Shawn Lane

  “It’s just…I hate how you talk about him.”

  I blinked in surprise, watching his profile. His head was turned, looking out to sea. “What?”

  Zach made a sort of choking sound. “Look, I’m not proud of the way I feel. I know it’s stupid. But you talk about him like he’s the best friend you ever had, and I’m jealous.”

  “Jealous? Of Joe?”

  “Who else?”

  “God.” I laughed. “That’s just…nuts.”

  He turned to glare at me now. “How so?”

  “You’re the best friend I ever had, Zach.” You’re everything. “It’s completely different.”

  “How? Because, fuck, Mick, you left your home over him. Back before, when we first met, you’d mention him constantly, but eventually that changed. And it just…it feels like it all over again.”

  “Because he died and we’re here for his funeral. That’s why. Joe was my best childhood friend and the first guy I was ever with. And he broke my heart to be with my sister.”

  “I know.”

  “My behavior then was as much to do with immaturity as any real hurt.” It took me a long time to realize that, really, probably longer than it should have. And it had taken Joe’s death and this trip to fully realize it still. I reached over and covered his hand with mine. “I didn’t figure that out at the time, but I know it now. What I felt for Joe is nothing compared to you.”

  At his startled look, I realized what I’d said. Or how it had sounded.

  “Our friendship,” I said quickly. “You’re my best friend. Always. And that’s not going to change because of an old memory.”

  Zach was looking out to sea again, his arms folded in front of his chest. “And California? Do you miss it?”

  “Some, sure. It’s a great place.”

  “It’s nice,” he agreed. “But it’s not home. For either of us.”

  “Where is home?”

  “Miami.”

  “You didn’t grow up there. Or even always live there,” I pointed out.

  “Lots of people make their home somewhere other than where they were born, Mick. What makes it home for us is our work is there, our friends are there, we’re there, our lives, everything, where we live. I love my condo. You do, too. We both like it in Miami.” He paused and then stared at me with striking intensity. “You always did before.”

  All of that was true. I did really like Miami. And it had become my home. But circumstances changed. This had been my home once before, too, and I’d loved it here.

  “I do love Miami.”

  “What are you going to tell your sister?” His voice was low, unexpectedly deep.

  And now he surprised me. For a moment I was left floundering, simply drowning in his gaze that at the moment appeared to be looking into the depths of my soul. “You know about that?”

  “Your sister talks.”

  “And you smoked with her.” Even I heard the weird note of accusation in my voice.

  Zach snorted. “Lord, Mick, you make it sound so dirty. It was a fucking cigarette.”

  “I did not.” But I felt my face turning red anyway.

  “I’m gay, Mick. I’m not interested in Raine in any way.”

  “I know that,” I said defensively. “You make it sound like I think Raine steals my men.” I looked away, realizing again how possessive I sounded of Zach. Like we were more than friends. And Jesus, this was all his damn fault anyway for making it all twisted.

  I rose from the rock and walked a few paces away. After a moment he touched my arm briefly before slinging his arm over my chest, pulling me against him.

  “You haven’t answered me, you know,” he said, very close to my ear.

  “They all want me to move back here,” I whispered.

  Zach tensed. “Not just Raine?”

  I shook my head. “My mom, too. And I think my dad, though he wouldn’t really say it outright.”

  “Is that what his conversation with you was about? Convince the prodigal son to return?”

  “I think so.”

  “So they’re all ganging up on me.”

  That had me turning in surprise, dislodging his hold on me. “On you? Don’t you mean on me?”

  Zach shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

  “Look, I came here to support you. I felt like you needed me. Your sister lost her husband, and you lost a friend. But I couldn’t help also being afraid of this very thing.”

  “Really?”

  “Sure. I’m sure they miss you. Who wouldn’t? They have you back. Why not talk you into staying?”

  “I’m going back to Miami on Saturday, Zach.”

  His gaze searched mine. “And then?”

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. And it was painful to do so.

  “Why?”

  “They’re my family.”

  “I’m your family now.”

  “It’s not the same thing,” I said and instantly knew it was the wrong thing to say. His expression shuttered entirely and he turned away, looking back toward the car. “That’s not the way I meant it.”

  “I think we should leave here.”

  “Zach.” But I followed him, heading for the parking lot. When we reached the car, I put my hand on his as he grabbed the door handle. “Let’s do something fun.”

  Zach quirked a brow. “Fun? Are we allowed to have fun, considering the circumstances?”

  “We won’t tell anyone.”

  “What do you have in mind?”

  “Um.” I thought about it. “How about the zoo? Or Santa Monica Pier?”

  He laughed. He actually laughed. And it was rich and powerful and made me weak in the knees. “You really know how to be adventurous, Mick.”

  “Well.” My ears were hot.

  “It’s cute. Let’s do the Pier. I’m the only animal you need to see.”

  * * * *

  “This is…sweet.” Zach stuck another bit of gooey blueness into his mouth. “Really sweet.”

  “And sticky.”

  Zach eyed the cotton candy he held. “I forgot I never liked this stuff much.”

  “No one does but kids.”

  “Not sure I even liked it then.” He made a sort of gagging face like his cat did when it had a hairball. I missed that cat.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey what?” Zach asked, tossing the offending cotton candy in the nearest trash bin.

  “Who’s taking care of Alice?” Alice was, of course, his cat. Big white and orange fluffy thing.

  “Now’s the time to worry about Alice.”

  I shrugged. “You made a face like her.”

  He gave me his famous smirk. “The lady in the condo next to me. Mabel. She goes in to feed her every day.”

  “Mabel has a key?”

  “So do you.”

  “Well, yeah.” I sucked on my lip. “Who else has one?”

  “Just you two. Does it matter?” He looked at me incredulously.

  “Maybe.”

  Zach headed toward the restrooms. “Have to wash this crap off my fingers.” After we’d done that, Zach glanced at me. “What next?”

  “Ferris wheel.”

  He eyed it dubiously. “That thing?”

  “Come on. It’ll be fun.” I grabbed his arm and started tugging him in that direction. We got tickets and got on the ride.

  “This doesn’t look safe,” he complained as the ride began to move.

  “People ride on it every day. It’s fine.”

  He stared at me, that intense stare again, this time with a tiny smile. I put my hand on his face and turned his head.

  “Look at the view.”

  “I liked the view I had,” he said softly, and I tried not let my heart soar with the wheel.

  “I feel queasy,” Zach announced when we got off the ride.

  “You do not.”

  “I do, too.”

  I ignored him. “Let’s get a hot dog.”

  “A hot dog? If I barf, you’re in trou
ble.”

  It was an hour or so later that we finally headed back to the car and left the Pier behind. Zach was smiling. In a much better mood.

  “That was kind of fun,” he said begrudgingly.

  “See! And you made fun of me. California’s not so bad, huh?”

  His smile slipped a little. “It’s still not home.”

  Chapter 10

  I straightened Zach’s tie as we put on the finishing touches for the funeral. He looked good. Devastating, really. And I felt quite the pang of guilt at noticing how sexy he was on such a day. I tucked the little blue silk handkerchief into his front pocket.

  His gaze was on my face.

  “What?” I asked softly.

  “You still haven’t told me what your decision is.”

  “Because I haven’t made one.”

  “Is it so easy to walk away from Miami?” Zach smoothed his hand over my chest.

  “Easy? Of course not. But there are a lot of pros to moving back to California.”

  “Are there?” He looked away from me for a moment, as if he was gathering his thoughts. When he looked back, his gaze had softened. “I know I’m being a bit of a dick. That you can reconnect with your family after all this time, that’s great. Some people never connect with their families on any level.”

  Zach didn’t have a great relationship with his family. His father died when he just a kid. He spoke to his mother, but usually with curtness, and they never saw each other. Their estrangement had been going on even longer than mine with my own family.

  “Like you?” I asked.

  He gave a small shrug and turned away, dismissing for the moment any further conversation about it. Which was fine by me. The day was going to be depressing enough.

  Joe’s sister, Jodie, was going to do the eulogy. Raine couldn’t bear it. And I was just glad they hadn’t asked me. I hadn’t known the man Joe had become anyway.

  I had my hand on the doorknob of the room when Zach stopped me by putting his hand over mine.

  “We’re going to be late.”

  He shook his head and leaned over to kiss me softly on the lips. He didn’t linger. “Let’s go.”

  Zach and I were riding with my father and the girls. Mom and Raine had already left to get to the funeral home before everything got started. Joe and Raine hadn’t been particularly religious, so there wasn’t going to be any church service.

  Autumn and Summer were waiting by the front door with their grandpa. I was basically still a stranger to them, but they allowed me to grasp each of their hands as we left the house.

  The day was sunny and bright. Another perfect Southern California day. Out of the corner of my eye I watched Zach put his sunglasses on and wished I could do the same, but I didn’t want to release the little hands clutching mine like lifelines.

  As pros of moving back to California went, the girls and getting to know them as their uncle was a big one.

  “You want me to drive, Ken?” Zach asked Dad. I had to admit I appreciated that my family seemed to like Zach.

  “Thank you, Zach.” Dad clapped him on the shoulder. “I’ll give you the directions.”

  We all piled into Dad’s sedan, and Zach pulled away from the curb on our way to the funeral of the best friend of my childhood, my sister’s husband, and the father of the girls. It was going to be a long and painful day.

  * * * *

  “I’ll drive you to the airport,” Raine said the next morning as we stood in the kitchen. Her hands were perched awkwardly at her hips. It was early. Not quite seven in the morning. She’d insisted on rising with us, even though we’d said our good-byes to most everyone else the night before.

  “No need. We have the rental car and have to drop it off anyway,” I reminded her.

  She bit her lip and nodded. “Are you sure you can’t extend your trip?”

  “The firm’s expecting us back on Monday.”

  “You could quit. I mean, you know, if you’re going to come back anyway.” She said this last part in a low voice after glancing at Zach, who was fixing a cup of coffee by the coffeemaker. I assumed Zach had made his opposition to my moving back clear.

  “Raine.”

  There was a wet sheen to her eyes. “I don’t want you to go. It’s like ten years ago all over again.”

  “No, it isn’t.” I pulled her into my arms. “It’s never going to be like that again, no matter what I decide.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise.”

  She hugged me tight. “I really miss having my brother.”

  I met Zach’s gaze over her head. His lips were thinned in a grimace. He shook his head and looked away, but not before I detected disappointment in his eyes. Honestly, they were making this so difficult for me, all of them. Zach included. I knew that wasn’t what any of them intended.

  It would be so much easier to have everyone with me in Miami or everyone with me in California. But millions of people lived away from their families, I reminded myself. “You still have me.” I squeezed her one more time and then released her. I knew a lot of this was coming from her grief over Joe, and I didn’t think it was healthy for her to dwell on my departure.

  “Call me when you get back there, okay? Let me know you made it safe.” Her smile was shaky, but it was there.

  “Of course I will.”

  Zach took a few sips of his coffee and then set the mug on the counter. He came over to Raine and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Take care, my smoking buddy.”

  She hugged him, which I thought startled him a bit, but he patted her back and gave her a small smile. “You take care, too, Zach. I hope we see each other again.”

  “I’m sure we will,” Zach replied, which I think maybe surprised all of us.

  We picked up our bags and made our way outside, and I was surprised to see Mom and Dad standing out by the rental car.

  “You didn’t need to get up,” I protested.

  “You’re our son, in case you’ve forgotten,” Mom said. She boxed my ears but without power or heat. A playful thing.

  “I haven’t.”

  “See that you don’t.” She threw her arms around me and held me much more tightly than I had expected. I let her and returned the embrace with as much strength as I could. “Don’t be a stranger.”

  My throat felt a little clogged. “I won’t.” I turned to my dad. “Dad.”

  “Son.” I had put out my hand to shake his, but he ignored it and hugged me, too, though much more briefly.

  Mom and Dad said good-bye to Zach, who had put our suitcases in the car and waited nearby. Then they stood back. Raine stood on the porch, hugging herself.

  We got in the car with Zach driving and pulled away. Neither of us spoke for about a mile.

  “Well, that was damn hard,” I finally muttered.

  “It was a difficult trip, Mick. There was so much emotion built around it. Not just Joe’s death, which was horrible enough, but also your absence for all these years. They’ve missed you.” He paused. “Which is understandable. You missed them, too.”

  “You’re right. And we still didn’t really deal with all of that. There just wasn’t enough time.”

  “You did okay.”

  I watched his profile. He hadn’t shaved that morning, so his jaw was shadowed with the dark hair of his heritage. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.” He put his hand on my leg and squeezed.

  * * * *

  The flight home was a quiet one for the two of us. The same flirty flight attendant who’d been on our flight out to California happened to be on this flight, too. I expected Zach to keep up the witty banter he had before, but he was very subdued and paid little attention to the attendant. Eventually the flight attendant gave up and moved on to his duties.

  “You okay?” I asked after I watched him quietly for a while.

  “Just tired, Mick.”

  I picked up the little menu. “You want to order drinks?”

  “Sure.”

 
; “Some food?’

  He gifted me with that smirk I found way too charming. “What do they have?”

  “Chips, nuts, sandwiches, snack packs. All outrageously overpriced, of course.”

  “Of course.” Zach hit the call button. When it was answered not by the flirty one but by a female attendant, Zach looked amused. “A chardonnay. Mick?”

  “You have anything less oaky in a white?”

  She smiled—her name was Cindy—and pointed at a Pinot Grigio on the menu. “It’s supposed to be for first class, but I’ll sell you a glass.”

  “Perfect. And, um, two snack packs.”

  “Chips, too,” Zach added.

  “Coming right up.” Cindy walked away.

  “Now who is charming the flight attendants?”

  “What?” I asked innocently.

  Zach rolled his eyes. “Next time we fly first class. I barely have any legroom.”

  “Deal.”

  * * * *

  He left me off at the curb in front of my apartment, just popping his trunk to allow me to get my suitcase out. He’d gone quiet again. Brooding. I let him be that way.

  “See you soon?”

  He nodded. “Well, we have work Monday.”

  I was disappointed by that and knew I shouldn’t be. We were back in Miami. Obviously it was going to go back to the way it was. Just friends. No, “with benefits.” And definitely nothing more. It hurt, but I wasn’t entirely surprised either. More like resigned, as I had sort of expected it.

  I forced a smile. “Give Alice a pet for me.”

  “Okay. Bye, Mick.”

  “Bye.”

  He waited until I got up to my apartment and opened the door to drive off. I leaned my forehead against the front hallway. I had some decisions to make. And somebody was going to get hurt. Probably me.

  Chapter 11

  Because of the time difference, it was already late afternoon by the time Zach dropped me off at my apartment. Having spent the last few days in close proximity to not only Zach but my family, my apartment seemed almost unbearably quiet. It hadn’t bothered me before, so bothering me now seemed particularly stupid.

  I turned on every light in the place, though it was wasteful and I knew it. But the illumination didn’t do much to lighten my mood. I made myself coffee and then went to stand on my balcony.