Beauty in the Ashes

by Micalea Smeltzer

  Her sigh echoed through the hallway. “I didn’t.” Taking a shaky breath, she wiped tears from her eyes. “You started out as just another guy, a void filler for me. But then, I got to know you. The real you,” she pointed in the vicinity of my heart, “and I saw what a beautiful person you are underneath the harsh exterior. You made me fall in love with you,” her whole body trembled with her words. I wanted to step forward and wrap my arms around her. Hold her close and tell her it would be okay. But I couldn’t move. My feet were stuck in quicksand and I was sinking down, forever being pulled away from her. An ocean was forming between us and I’d never be strong enough to swim the distance. “Because I love you,” she continued, “I want better for you. I don’t want you to depend on drugs or alcohol. I want you to be strong enough to deal with your feelings and memories instead of trying to repress them.”

  As her last word hung in the air, we were locked in a stare down. Our chests rose and fell in synchronized breaths.

  I was the first to look away. I turned my back on her and descended even further down a path that might have no return.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  Sutton

  Watching him go was the most difficult thing I’d ever had to do. I knew what he was going to do and I was helpless to stop it. I knew I could’ve kicked and screamed and put up a right good fight, but none of it would have fazed him. His desire for the drugs overwhelmed anything else.

  I wiped the tears off my cheeks—angry at myself for even crying over him. I cared though. When you care, you feel. Feelings really fucking suck.

  Picking up Brutus I went back inside. I stood by the window, watching for Cael. He came around the side of the building. His shoulders were hunched and his hands were stuffed into the pockets of his jeans. He bowed his head against the chilly wind as snow swirled around him.

  I felt so helpless watching him go.

  I wanted him to get better, to find help, but I knew I couldn’t force him. He had to find the strength to make that decision on his own.

  I only wondered if he ever would.

  Or would this be our life? Me always watching him fight this? Having to turn a blind eye every time he snuck off to God knows where in the middle of the fucking night?

  I leaned my head against the glass, my eyes followed the glow of his light hair, until I couldn’t see him anymore.

  I wasn’t sure if I could do this.

  I wanted to, but…

  I sighed, pulling away from the glass. Seeing him struggle like this was taking a toll on me. He was trying so hard, but it was an impossible fight. Addiction was a fucking beast. It had sunk its claws into him and refused to let go. It was sucking the life from him.

  What do you do when the person you love the most is spiraling out of control?

  Do you fight for them?

  Or do you let them go?

  Little did I know that the decision was about to be made for me.

  CHAPTER 24

  Caelan

  I clutched the medium sized package in my hand. The movement wrinkled the shiny red surface. I’d already done a really shitty wrapping job and now I was only making it worse. I was nervous to give the gift to her. I wanted her to love it, but I wasn’t sure she would. It was nothing fancy. I didn’t even buy it at a store.

  I raised my fist to knock on her door.

  She opened it almost immediately. The smile on her face was contagious and I found myself mirroring her. Her dark hair hung in waves down her back and she was dressed in Christmas themed pajamas—the bottoms had dancing elves on them while her top was solid green.

  “A gift?” Her eyes widened at the rectangular shape in my hands. “For me?”

  I nodded, stepping inside. Scratching my jaw, I said, “You know, this is the first gift I’ve given anyone in a long time. It isn’t much,” I frowned, “but I hope you like it.”

  She closed the door behind me, shaking her head. “I’ll love anything you give me, you don’t need to worry.”

  I put the package down on the counter and reached for her hips. Once her body was flush with mine I made eye contact with her. “I know you’re not very happy with me right now,” I smoothed a finger down her cheek. Her eyes closed and her breath escaped lightly between her parted lips. “You have every reason to be angry. I know that. So, thank you for staying by my side.”

  Her fingers clasped my shirt and her whole body shook. “I want you to get help, Caelan.” I opened my mouth to speak but she cut me off. “This isn’t an ultimatum. If you decide to go to rehab, it has to be your decision. I’m smart enough to know that.” She bit her lip and her gaze dipped down. “But I don’t know if I’m strong enough to wait till then.”

  She leaned her forehead against my chest, inhaling deeply. She didn’t cry. She wasn’t upset. She was making a statement. If I didn’t get my shit together, I’d lose her. I didn’t want that to happen, but I understood. When we’d first messed around, it had been just that, but once real feelings got involved…it changed everything. For her and me. I wanted to be the right man for her, but in my gut I knew I wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to walk away yet. I still had hope that I could find the power within myself to get help.

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” she whispered, stepping out of my embrace. “Not today at least. It’s Christmas. We should be celebrating.”

  I reached for the gift once more and handed it to her. “Open it.”

  “Not yet,” she smiled, heading towards her coffee maker. “I need my coffee first.”

  “Of course,” I chuckled, sitting down on the couch with the present on my lap, “you must have your coffee.”

  While Sutton tended to getting her daily dose of caffeine I watched Brutus bat at an ornament on the tree and then proceed to try to climb it.

  “Brutus! No!” Sutton yelled as she ran over to remove the cat from the limbs.

  She put the cat on the couch beside me and went to fetch her coffee. She sat down, took a few sips, and set the mug aside. “Gimme.” She held out her hands for the present.

  With a laugh I handed it over.

  Like an excited child she ripped the paper off.

  “Oh,” she gasped, raising a hand to her mouth. “It’s beautiful, Cael.”

  “You like it?” I asked nervously.

  “Like it?” She looked at me like I had lost my mind. “I love it. This is…I’ll cherish this forever,” she hugged the canvas to her chest. “I do have one question, though.”

  “And what would that be?” I laughed. She looked so cute with her nose wrinkled in confusion.

  “Why a hummingbird?” She tilted her head to the side, studying the painting.

  “It’s you.”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah,” I shrugged, squirming where I sat. I didn’t want to sound like a pussy. “You’re my hummingbird—my light in darkness. That’s one of their symbols you know? I thought it was appropriate.”

  She looked down at the painting and then back at me. “That makes it mean even more to me…I…wow.” She tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “I’m blown away.”

  I couldn’t help smiling. That’s what I’d wanted to do. I wanted to give her something she could always have and look upon with fondness. Even if it all fell apart she’d still have a piece of me.

  She stood and leaned the canvas against the wall. She studied it a moment longer before returning to the couch. She wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me. I closed my eyes and did the same. I wished I could hold her forever, because when she was in my arms everything was okay. There were no bad memories. There were no cravings. There was only peace.

  “Thank you,” she whispered against my neck.

  “It’s just a painting,” I chuckled, rubbing my hands up and down her back. “I’m so pathetic I couldn’t get you anything from a store.”

  She sat back, her hands on my biceps. She shook her head adamantly. “That painting means more to me than anything you could’ve bought at a store.
Anything that comes from the heart,” she placed her palm over the left side of my chest, “will always mean more.”

  She stood then and went over to the tree. She picked up the lone package lying there and turned around to hand it to me. “I hope you like it,” she whispered and there was real fear in her eyes.

  Before I opened it, I reached over to where she’d sat down beside me once more, and cupped her cheek. “Don’t be worried.”

  “But—”

  “Don’t,” I assured her.

  I carefully peeled back the layers of the paper, unlike her chaotic tearing, revealing the gift underneath.

  “Kyle helped me,” she whispered.

  I stared at the picture frame in front of me—one of those that had individual slots for multiple pictures.

  Most were pictures of my family—family picnics, vacations, parties, that kind of thing. All happy moments. There was one of Kyle and me too, after a football game. We were both still in our gear, hair sweaty, but smiling for the camera and our arms outstretched to proudly point at the scoreboard in the distance. A few of the pictures were of Sutton and me. They were candid shots, taken on a phone. In one we kissed, in another we made silly faces, and in the last we looked at each other and the love there was palpable. I’d thought someone like me didn’t deserve love, and that I’d never be able to return it, but Sutton taught me that I could.

  “Are you crying?” She gasped.

  “No.”

  I totally was.

  I hadn’t expected this gift at all, and I definitely couldn’t have anticipated my reaction. The only picture I had of them was the lone one I’d taken the day at the house. Now I had many pictures—and not just of my parents and sister, but Kyle and Sutton too, because they were my family as well. Family wasn’t defined by the blood running through your veins. It could also be the people that came into your life and left a profound mark on your soul. Kyle had done that by not abandoning me like everyone else and Sutton had done it by not judging me. She might want me to change now, but she still didn’t judge me for my misgivings. She wanted better for me, and wasn’t that what everyone wanted when they loved someone?

  I reached over, cupping the nape of her neck, and drew her lips to mine. The kiss was slow and sweet, noticeably tender. Her body trembled. I loved the way she reacted to me—how her pulse raced, her long lashes fluttering against her sculpted cheekbones, and how when she wanted me to do more her tongue would slowly slip out from between her plump lips to wet their surface. She was doing all those things now. But I wasn’t going there, not yet at least. I wanted to give her the Christmas she was missing out on with her family.

  “There’s something else I got you…well, us.” I shrugged, watching as her eyes slowly opened, displaying dilated irises sparkling with lust.

  “Really?” She hummed. “Can it wait?”

  “No,” I chuckled, pulling her hand from my shirt. “It can’t, but this can.”

  “I don’t want to wait,” she pouted.

  I stood and pulled the item from my back pocket. She took it and studied it for a second. I hadn’t bothered to wrap it.

  “Miracle on 34th Street? You want to watch a movie?” She regarded me as if I had lost my mind.

  “It was a family tradition in my house,” I explained. “I know you’re feeling bad about not being with your family and I thought I’d share something from mine with you…” I trailed off, scratching the back of my head.

  “Oh,” she breathed. “This is…”

  “It’s dumb I know,” I groaned, reaching for the movie to take it back.

  “No.” She wrapped her arms around it, refusing to let me take it. “We’re going to watch it.”

  “It’s okay, Sutton. I can tell you’re not into it, it’s fine.” I grabbed her arms, trying to get her to relinquish it.

  She catapulted over the back of the couch, belly flopping on the other side. “Ow,” she groaned.

  “Did you really jump over the side of the couch to get away from me?” I covered my mouth with my hand to suppress my laughter. With my knees on the couch, I peered down at her lying on the floor. She’d rolled onto her back, that damn movie still in one hand. Her hair fanned around her and she rubbed her forehead. She was definitely going to get a knot on her head from that.

  “I did,” she mumbled. “I’m not very graceful.”

  “That’s obvious,” I laughed.

  She glared up at me. “If you were nice, you’d tell me that I was graceful. Like a swan.”

  “Ah, but I’m not nice,” I smirked. Crossing my arms along the back of the couch, I leaned forward to peer at her on the floor. “In fact, I’m very, very bad.”

  Her laughter filled the air as she finally sat up. “You’re lucky I’m a sucker for hot bad boys.”

  “Lucky, huh?”

  “Yeah,” she chimed, clambering to her feet. Pointing to her body, “You get to experience all this awesomeness on a daily basis. Most people would consider that lucky. I hear I’m a hot commodity. Exotic, even.” She shimmied her hips, doing a little dance.

  “You know,” I grinned slowly, “I’ve seen your lap dance skills, but I’ve never experienced it on a personal level.”

  She rolled her eyes and muttered, “Down boy.”

  “Oh, so now you want to watch the movie?” I threw my hands in the air and flopped down on the couch as she popped the DVD into the player.

  The movie started up and after she’d popped some popcorn, she settled against me on the couch. She stretched her body over top mine and placed the bowl on the floor within reach.

  “Comfortable?” I asked.

  “Very,” she giggled, wiggling around.

  I smoothed my fingers through her hair.

  I didn’t pay much attention to the movie, instead focusing on the way her body felt against mine, and the soft orchestra of her sighs and breaths. This was what happiness looked like—being with the person you loved. I wished I felt like this all the time. But eventually the self-doubt and anger and all the things I wanted to shut out became too much.

  Addiction was a fucking poison, suffocating your mind and body. It took all control. I knew I didn’t even have it as bad as others, but I still struggled.

  Even now, as I lay with her, the overwhelming need was in the back of my mind. It urged me to go back to my apartment and let the drugs seep through my veins—to numb me from the world.

  “Are you okay?” Sutton asked suddenly, raising to look at me. Her dark hair tumbled forward, tickling my face.

  “I’m great,” I forced a smile. “Just enjoying the movie.”

  She studied me for a moment and then returned to her previous position. “Okay,” she sighed.

  She didn’t believe me, but she wasn’t going to push me.

  I wasn’t sure if she let it go because she loved me, she had given up on me, or she was scared of me. She’d seen my outbursts and no doubt wanted to avoid that at all costs.

  I glided my fingers down her back and she shivered. “That feels good,” she murmured.

  I did it again.

  In turn, she started drawing something on my chest.

  I closed my eyes, humming in contentment.

  In the back of my mind though, I kept thinking, a love like this can’t last forever.

  CHAPTER 25

  Sutton

  We spent the next two days in my apartment, wrapped in each other’s arms.

  It was easily the best two days of my life.

  Until someone had the balls to knock on my door and pull me from bed.

  “Don’t go,” Caelan grabbed my arm, trying to pull me back in to bed. “They’ll go away eventually.”

  They knocked again.

  “Not anytime soon it seems.” I rolled further away and out of the bed, fumbling around for some clothes. I found Caelan’s shirt first and pulled it on. It was long enough to cover my bottom half as well, so I ceased searching for bottoms.

  When the person knocked again, I yelled
, “Coming!”

  “You could be coming in another way right now if you’d get your ass back in bed,” Caelan commented.

  I grinned and rolled my eyes as I backed away. “Later.”

  My feet tapped against the cold wood floors and I shivered as I unlocked the latch. I smiled over at Caelan lying in my bed before opening the door.

  When I opened it I expected to see Daphne, or Frankie, maybe even Cyrus. What I didn’t expect to see was tousled dark hair framing a pair of hazel eyes. His build was stocky, filling up the doorway, and the scent of his cologne was overwhelming.

  “Marcus,” I gasped.

  “Marcus?” I heard Caelan mutter behind me, trying to figure out how he knew that name.

  “What are you doing here?” I forced the words out of my throat and held on to the doorframe for support. I felt like I was as light as a leaf and it would take nothing to knock me over. My breaths were loud and my chest constricted painfull. Was this what a heart attack felt like?

  His smile was slow—the smile of a predator about to devour its poor, helpless prey. “I’ve come to take you home. Mom and dad miss you. I miss you. Everyone misses you. You shouldn’t have run away like that. We love you.” Peering around me into the apartment, he chuckled with distaste. “Aren’t you going to invite me inside, sis?” The word was said as a slur.

  I couldn’t breathe and all I heard was the blood rushing through my body.

  This couldn’t be happening.

  How did he find me?

  Oh God, I was going to throw up.

  I couldn’t do this.

  I couldn’t face this.

  All the horrors of my past were rushing in rapid flashes through my mind. I’d worked so hard to block it all, but no matter how many walls I built it was still there only hidden.

  “I think you should go.”

  The new voice came from behind me.

  Belatedly I realized that the new voice wasn’t indeed ‘new’ it was merely Caelan. His hand settled on my waist, offering silent comfort.

  My world was crumbling around me, and even he couldn’t hold me together.