Beauty in the Ashes

by Micalea Smeltzer

I’d put thousands of miles of distance between this bastard and myself, yet he still find me. How? Was he a fucking FBI agent in his spare time and had special gadgets for tracking people down?

  “Who the hell are you?” Marcus glared at Caelan, looking him up and down as he sized him up.

  “Who I am is none of your fucking business and you know it. You need to leave. If I have to ask you again, I won’t be nearly as nice.” His tone was icy, the threat of danger imminent.

  Marcus was undeterred. He slammed the palm of his hand against the half-open door and pushed his way inside.

  Caelan grabbed ahold of my wrist and shoved me behind him. He was more forceful than he meant to be and I fell to the ground, banging my elbow in the process.

  “I know what you did to her!” Caelan screamed, his anger visible in his stance. “You’re not going anywhere near her!” He grabbed onto Marcus’ shirt, but Marcus pushed him away easily. With a roar Caelan charged forward and tackled him to the ground. Apparently there was still a little bit of football player present in him.

  I crawled backwards, out of the way, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire of the arguing men.

  Silent tears streamed down my cheeks.

  I wasn’t scared of much.

  Only one person.

  And he was in this room.

  I’d foolishly believed I’d never see him again, but here he was. I couldn’t escape him. He was always there. If not here, he haunted my memories.

  Caelan punched him in the face repeatedly, shouting at the top of his lungs. Marcus got in a few good hits too. As they rolled around a floor lamp fell to the ground. It didn’t faze me.

  Marcus looked towards me, his eyes connecting with mine, and it was like I was that scared little girl again and he had snuck into my room. His hands were on me, telling me to be quiet—that mom and dad would hate me if I told on him. I was so scared and I felt so alone. I wanted him off of me. I didn’t like it. I didn’t want it. Make him stop. Someone make him stop!

  I screamed then as the memories assaulted me. I clapped my hands over my eyes, sobbing. I didn’t want to see. I didn’t want to relive it. I only wanted it to be over. I wanted to bury it six feet under and start fresh. That’s what I’d tried to do until he showed up. As long as he lived there would never be a safe place for me. The only hope I had of escaping Marcus was death.

  “What’s going on?” Cyrus yelled over the noise of the two men fighting.

  I slowly peeled my fingers away from my face. His mouth fell open when he got a look at me. “Make it stop,” I begged. “Please, make it stop.”

  He sprung into action and tried to pry the men apart.

  That hadn’t been what I was asking him to stop, though.

  I wanted someone to make the memories go away. I realized that would never happen. They were trapped inside, forever a part of me. There was no getting rid of them.

  I had thought I was a strong person.

  I saw now though, with Marcus’ reappearance, it had only been a mask I was wearing.

  I wasn’t strong.

  I was weak.

  I was damaged.

  I was broken.

  I’d only been blocking what I really felt with false smiles. The fact of the matter was, I wasn’t okay. I hadn’t been for a while. I was struggling. The horrors of what he’d done to me would haunt me for the rest of my life—unless I did something stop it.

  I saw now that I just wanted it to end.

  I needed the silent suffering to go away.

  Cyrus eventually got his arms around Marcus and pulled him away from Caelan. Frankie was there now too, standing in front of Caelan. Daphne stood in the doorway surveying the scene with confusion.

  “What the hell is going on?” Frankie asked.

  “Get him out of here!” Caelan pointed a finger at Marcus, his teeth clenched as he said every word. “Get him out of here before I kill him!” He lunged forward past Frankie, his arms outstretched like he was going to strangle Marcus. Calmly, Frankie wrapped his arms around Caelan’s middle and pulled him back a few feet.

  “Get it together, Gregory,” he hissed.

  “Come on,” Cyrus started dragging Marcus away and out the door, “you need to leave.”

  Once they were out of eyesight Frankie released Caelan who came running to my side. I still sat on the floor with my back against the wall. He dropped to his knees, running his fingers along my cheek. “Sutton, sweetheart, are you okay? Please, talk to me.”

  When I said nothing he pulled me against his chest and let me sob into his shirt.

  I wasn’t okay and I didn’t want to lie to him.

  I felt more shattered than I ever had before.

  The pieces of my life that I had so carefully reconstructed had been flawed. There were gaps and they didn’t fit together right. It had all been a façade and now I was too broken to rebuild.

  “Sutton, please say something,” he begged, smoothing his fingers through my hair.

  “He found me,” I sobbed. My fingers tangled in my hair and I forced my head up to look at him. “Don’t you see? No matter where I go or how much distance I put between us, he’ll always find me. He’s always going to haunt me.”

  “Who was he?” Daphne asked, tiptoeing closer to us.

  “Go,” Caelan snapped at her. “Can’t you see she’s not okay?”

  I peeked over his shoulder to see Daphne pale. “Okay, fine. I’m going.” When she saw me looking at her, she added, “If you need to talk to someone, I’m here.”

  I nodded, letting her know I heard and understood.

  The other guys had left, so she closed the door behind her.

  We were alone now, but Marcus’ presence still lingered. He’d tainted this place for me and it would never be the same. It was no longer safe. It was like he got some kind of sick twisted joy out of seeing me suffer.

  Caelan held me tightly in his arms, letting me cry.

  I knew what I had to do and I only hoped he’d forgive me for destroying him.

  “I’m so sorry he hurt you,” Caelan whispered, his lips brushing lightly over my forehead. The tender gesture only served to make me cry harder. I wanted him to stop being so sweet, because I was about to hurt him in the worst way imaginable.

  I untangled myself from his hold and came to my feet. I was still shaky and he immediately jumped up and grabbed ahold of my arm to steady me.

  “I’m fine,” I assured him.

  “You’re not. Don’t lie to me.”

  I turned my head slightly away from him, instead looking out the window. That’s when I saw Marcus standing on the street. His hands were shoved in his pockets and he was smirking at me through the window. I knew there was no way he really saw me, but it didn’t stop him from getting under my skin.

  I swallowed thickly, walking away.

  No more.

  I couldn’t let him control me anymore.

  And I couldn’t keep running.

  This ended now.

  It had to, because I couldn’t live in fear anymore.

  I’d been doing fine up until this point. But I realized now that he’d never let me get away.

  Rubbing my face, I mumbled, “I’m going to take a bath.”

  “Okay,” Caelan whispered. Before I could go, he grabbed me by the neck and pulled my body against his once more. He rubbed his nose against the top of my head, inhaling the scent of my shampoo. “I love you, you know that, right? I live for you, Sutton. Only you. We’ll get through this. Together. I’ll make sure he never bothers you ever again.”

  I dammed back any more tears that might have fallen. I clung to his body, never wanting to let go. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t.

  The fact of the matter was, we were both too broken to ever be whole together. We couldn’t save each other. We couldn’t even help each other. I think we both needed each other at this point in our lives. We needed someone to understand us. Caelan Gregory was the best thing to ever happen to me, but his l
ove wasn’t enough to hold together the fragile pieces of my broken self.

  “I love you too,” I whispered. My eyes closed and tears that did not fall clung to the fine strands of my lashes.

  With one last lingering kiss to my lips, he let me go.

  Only he didn’t know it would be the last time.

  I closed the bathroom door behind me and leaned my back against it.

  I was scared, but this had to be done. I couldn’t live like this—it wasn’t a life at all.

  Damn Marcus for ruining everything! It’s all he ever did! He ruined my childhood and then he took away this too! The lengths to which he’d go to torture me were endless. He found pleasure in my suffering.

  Pushing away from the door I worked on autopilot. The water filled the tub and steam swirled around me.

  Can you really do this? I asked myself

  The answer was immediate and simple. Yes.

  I had to escape the pain, the memories, the heartbreak.

  But more than that, I had to escape Marcus and this was the only way.

  I should’ve done it a long time ago.

  Coming here was supposed to be a fresh start.

  It wasn’t anymore and I had nowhere left to go.

  As I stripped my clothes and lowered into the steaming water I felt comfortable with my decision.

  I’d thought about killing myself many times.

  Daily, even.

  Like I’d told Caelan, the only thing that always stopped me was that I’d be letting Marcus win.

  I realized now, that even if I was alive he won.

  He always won, because I lived in a constant state of suffering. I may have depressed it, but it was always there, threatening to choke me.

  He ruined me.

  Pretending to be okay wasn’t going to work anymore. I’d always worry that he lurked in the background ready to destroy any life I created.

  I sank below the surface of the water.

  I opened my eyes, staring at the cloudy ceiling of the bathroom. It wasn’t my first choice of what I’d like to look at as I died, but it was all I was going to get.

  I opened my mouth and let the water enter my lungs.

  I began to choke and sputter—my body fighting the need to get air. My hands dug into the sides of the tub as I forced myself to stay submerged. My feet kicked on their own—my body fighting against the demise my brain so clearly wanted.

  Spots danced across my vision and my eyes grew heavy.

  My last thought before everything disappeared was: Drowning is a lot like falling asleep. Peaceful.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  Caelan

  “Sutton?” I stood outside the bathroom. The sounds of splashing had gotten my attention. What the hell was she doing in there? “Sutton?” I called her name again, jiggling the locked doorknob. “Are you okay?” No answer. More splashing. Something was seriously wrong. “Sutton!” I yelled her name, thumping my fist against the door. “Let me in!”

  The splashing stopped and with it an icy dread trickled down my back.

  “SUTTON!” My scream echoed through the whole building.

  I hit my shoulder against the door, trying to force it open, but it didn’t work.

  I took a step away, cocked my leg back and kicked as hard as I could. I had to get to her. I had to stop this.

  The door flew open, slamming against the opposite wall with the force.

  I ran inside and dropped to my knees, which quickly became drenched with water.

  “Oh God,” I breathed, choking on the bile quickly rising in my throat. “Sutton!” I cried. My arms wrapped around her as I pulled her naked body from the bathtub. I smacked my hand against her cheek. “Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” Her head lolled to the side. I frantically pressed my fingers against her neck, searching for a pulse. Nothing. I tried her wrist next. There was no flutter of life. She was fucking gone and there’s was nothing I could do. Just like last time I was helpless. “You can’t die, please. I need you,” I sobbed. I didn’t know I could cry so hard. “Please, I love you. Don’t do this to me! I live for you, Sutton! Without you there’s nothing else! You can’t die. You just can’t.” I cried against her wet neck, drenching it further with my tears. I felt like what was left of my soul had been ripped from my body and was now being violently stepped on. I wasn’t okay. This wasn’t okay. I didn’t know what to do. It was like my brain had suddenly stopped working and I was at a loss.

  “Phone,” I mumbled to myself. “Get your phone dumb ass.”

  My hands fumbled through my pockets but it wasn’t there.

  “Shit!” I screamed.

  I didn’t want to leave her on the cold tile floor by herself, it seemed wrong, but I had to. I gently laid her down, stuffing a towel under her neck to keep it elevated—that’s what you were supposed to do right? Fuck. I didn’t know. I was clueless.

  I ran out of the bedroom and found my phone. I fumbled to dial 911.

  “911 what’s your emergency?” The lady spoke with a pleasant, calm tone.

  “Help! You have to help her! She’s dead! Oh God I think she’s really dead!”

  “Who’s dead?”

  “She’s my…girlfriend,” I said for lack of a better term. I knelt down beside her. “Please, she was in the bathtub and I think she tried to kill herself!”

  “Do you know CPR?”

  “Don’t you think if I knew how to perform CPR I would’ve done it by now?” I screamed into the phone. “Please, send someone as fast as you can! I can’t lose her! I can’t!”

  “Help is on the way,” she said.

  “Don’t you need the address?” I asked. I didn’t want them to get lost. They needed to get here now. She needed help. Seconds were precious commodities that could not be spared.

  “Sir, you used a cell phone. I already have your location.”

  “Thank God,” I muttered and hung up. I probably wasn’t supposed to do that, but I didn’t care.

  As minutes ticked by and I searched weakly for a pulse, I saw her color begin to pale and her body fall slack.

  There would be nothing they could do.

  But there was something I could do.

  I wasn’t going to sit here and watch someone else I loved be ripped away from me. It was too painful. I couldn’t keep living while everyone else I loved was dead. Even if they were all in Heaven and I was destined for Hell, that would be better than living this pathetic existence.

  I left her once more, but not for long.

  I went to my apartment in search of the one thing that would take it all away.

  Once I had it grasped in my hand, I was ready.

  In her bathroom once more, I curled my body around hers.

  I reached for the syringe and inserted it into my vein. Every last bit of heroin I had in my possession entered my blood system. I knew it was more than enough to be deadly. Dropping the syringe to the side I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her cold neck.

  “I’ll see you all soon,” I whispered.

  Sirens sounded in the distance, but they meant nothing.

  They were too late.

  This was it.

  I was Romeo and Sutton was my fucking Juliet.

  CHAPTER 26

  Sutton

  People who die and come back from the dead always seem to fail to mention how much it hurts.

  I was surrounded by darkness and it felt like something was pulling on me.

  Everything hurt and I couldn’t fucking breathe—until I could.

  A gasp tore out of my raw throat and my hands reached up, clawing at whatever was attached to my face.

  Hands grabbed me by the wrist and restrained me. “You don’t want to do that,” someone spoke. I assumed the voice belonged to whoever held me down.

  I blinked my eyes rapidly, searching for anything familiar.

  Where was I?

  “I’m Gail. I’m a paramedic, sweetie,” she said. “You’re going to be okay.”

  My eyes roamed around t
he confines of the ambulance.

  I was alive.

  “We’re almost to the hospital. I’m going to give you something to make you sleepy. Okay?”

  I don’t know why she asked. I was helpless to speak or to stop her.

  I felt the needle pierce my vein and cold liquid entered my body. I fought against the sleepiness but there was nothing I could do. My lashes fluttered once, then twice, until they closed and I dreamed.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  I was awake.

  I knew that much.

  But I couldn’t get my eyes to open and cooperate. I wiggled my fingers and sluggishly moved them up my body. All my muscles hurt and didn’t want to move. It was like they’d been inactive for too long. Maybe they had.

  When my fingers reached my eyes, I rubbed and slowly blinked them open. The lights were bright but I didn’t want to close my eyes and submerge myself in the darkness any longer.

  Looking around, it was obvious I was in a hospital room.

  I remembered the time in the ambulance and then I realized what I had done.

  “Oh God,” I gasped—or tried to at least, since I had no voice and my throat was so raw it felt like it had been scrubbed with sandpaper. I heaved over the side of the bed, but nothing came up. I was sickened by what I’d done. I had tried to kill myself all because of that fucking psycho. What the hell was wrong with me? A single tear slid down my cheek. I couldn’t believe I’d tried to do that to Caelan and myself. How selfish was I?

  Where was Caelan?

  Shouldn’t he have been here with me?

  He wasn’t though. I was alone.

  About the time I started to panic, the door to my room opened and a doctor strode inside.

  “I’m happy to see you awake.” He smiled kindly, looking at the chart in his hand. “You did quite a number on yourself. Luckily, everything here seems to look good. Your throat is going to hurt for a few weeks though. I recommend you stick to eating something soft, like baby food.” He set the chart aside and grasped the bed rail in his hands. “You’re a lucky young woman, Sutton. The paramedics almost didn’t reach you in time.”

  “I know,” I croaked.

  “Now, the man they found with you wasn’t so lucky.” He frowned.

  “W-what?” I forced the words out of my mouth even though it hurt more than I cared to admit.