Beauty in the Ashes

by Micalea Smeltzer

  “Don’t worry, he’ll be okay with time. He’s stabilized, but it was touch and go there for a while.”

  I wanted to cry but no tears came.

  Instead I felt hollow inside.

  Because of what I’d done Caelan had tried to take his own life too. What had I been thinking? Clearly, I hadn’t been. Anytime I was around Marcus he always seemed to make me do stupid things. It was like he screwed with my brain or something.

  “I want you to go on an anti-depressant,” the doctor continued, “and I’d be really happy if you’d go to therapy. I can’t make you, of course, but I think it would be beneficial.” I tried to speak, ready with a rebuttal, but he raised a hand and his look told me to be quiet. “You don’t need to make a decision on the therapist now, but I want you to think on it.” He sighed, looking at me sadly. I was sure he wondered what horrors could have possibly driven me to make such a choice. “I’ll let the nurse know you’re awake.”

  With that statement he was gone.

  Nice fellow. Not.

  A nurse entered a few minutes later, fussing over me. I begged her for water but she was reluctant to give it to me because of my throat, stating that the IV was providing more than enough nutrients.

  Fuck that stupid IV. I wanted some damn water.

  “Someone’s here to see you,” she said before she left. “Would you feel up to a visitor?”

  I nodded, figuring it was Daphne, since it definitely wouldn’t be Caelan.

  I was wrong.

  Marcus strode into my room with that damn proud smirk twisting his lips.

  My heart rate spiked and the machine I was hooked up started screaming—at least that’s what it sounded like to me.

  “GET OUT!” I screamed, not caring that it felt like I shoved a knife down my throat when I yelled.

  The nurse’s eyes widened at my outburst and she looked from me to Marcus. Tears streamed down my cheeks and panic rose like a rollercoaster high in the sky.

  “OUT!”

  She grabbed his arm, trying to pull him away from me.

  He didn’t budge.

  “Sir, I think you should leave. You’re obviously making her distressed and that’s the last thing she needs right now.”

  “But I’m her brother.” He gave her the most charming smile he could muster and I saw her caving. He had that affect on people. He always fooled those around him into thinking he was a fucking angel.

  “GET THE FUCK OUT!” I yelled again. It felt like spikes were being jabbed down my esophagus but there was no way I was going to be left alone in this room with him. There was no telling what he was capable of doing and I wasn’t about to find out. He’d hurt me enough. He’d even driven me to the point of hurting myself. This ended now. “Go away,” my voice cracked, “and leave me alone.” I didn’t say it out loud, frankly I didn’t have the strength, but if he didn’t back off and leave I’d get a restraining order filed. I probably needed to do that anyway. I couldn’t live feeling like he was always lurking over my shoulder. Who could? Fear was crippling, especially when it was constant. I refused to be his victim anymore. I had rights and I would fight that motherfucker tooth and nail from now on to make sure he never hurt me or anyone else ever again. I’d been weak before, but resurrection from the dead gave me a much-needed clarity. I wasn’t defined by him, and I’d been living far too long like I was. By coming here, to my home, he’d made an enemy out of me. I may have had a moment of weakness, of relapse so to speak, but it wouldn’t happen again.

  The look in his eyes changed and he must have seen that he’d pushed too far.

  “I’ll go,” he told the nurse. The look he gave me said, But I’ll be back.

  I answered with a challenging smile. He wasn’t going to beat me down anymore.

  He didn’t own me.

  I owned myself.

  With that thought I looked down at the tattoo adorning my wrist, partially obscured by hospital bands. Freedom.

  I was truly free now.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  They released me five days later. I wished it had been sooner but apparently I was under observation.

  Lovely.

  I was the resident basket case that might try to hang herself with the IV wires.

  “Get lots of rest,” the nurse warned as she helped me into a wheelchair. I didn’t need it, but apparently it was protocol.

  “I will,” I promised her. I was too weak to do much of anything so rest wouldn’t be a problem. As she started down the hallway I cleared my throat. “Can I see him?”

  She knew the him I was referring to. I’d asked about him many times in the last few days. I needed to apologize to him.

  “I’m not supposed to,” she whispered.

  “Please?” I begged. I couldn’t go home without seeing him.

  She sighed and turned down a hallway. “I could get in trouble for this,” she grumbled.

  “Thank you!”

  “Shh!” She hushed me. “I can only give you ten minutes. That’s it.”

  I’d take any time she’d give me with him.

  I didn’t reply. My throat was still raw and I needed to save my voice for when I saw Caelan.

  “He just got moved from the ICU or else I couldn’t do this,” she said.

  She wheeled me into a room and only a curtain separated me from him.

  “Ten minutes,” she warned again, holding up both hands and waggling her fingers.

  The door closed behind her and I heard stirring on the other side of the curtain. I reached up, clasping the flimsy blue material in my hand and pulled it aside.

  “Hi,” I whispered.

  Caelan stirred, turning his head towards the sound of my voice. He blinked rapidly like he couldn’t believe his eyes. “Hey,” he smiled weakly.

  We both acted as if we were war battered. Maybe we were—it was just a different kind of war, one of the heart and mind.

  “I’m so sorry,” I choked out the words. I meant them and I hoped he saw that.

  “It’s okay.” He reached out with a shaky hand to gently touch his fingers to my cheek.

  “No, it’s not,” I shook my head adamantly. “I shouldn’t have done that. It was a moment of weakness.”

  “I’m not mad,” he whispered. Those same fingers touched my lips. It was like he was reminding himself that I was alive. I couldn’t imagine how he must have felt seeing me like that after what he’d already gone through with his family.

  “I was so selfish,” I sobbed. “I didn’t think about what it would do to you. What did you do?” No one had given me any details about how or why Caelan had ended up here, but I had a good guess.

  He looked away from me and his Adam’s apple bobbed. His head swiveled back to face me. “I wasn’t going to let you go without me.”

  “Oh, Caelan.” I buried my face in my hands. I was so ashamed of my actions and what had transpired because of them.

  “I need to talk to you about something,” he said, swallowing thickly. His eyes glimmered with tears and I knew something I didn’t want to hear was about to come out of his mouth. “I know you’re not going to like this, but it’s for the best.”

  “W-what is?” I asked.

  He took a deep breath, the air entering his lungs with a mighty whoosh.

  “They’re forcing me to enter rehab once I’m well enough. They said I’d probably leave in the next week or so. I had already decided to go to rehab on my own, once I woke up. I need help, Sutton. Real help.” He stopped to cough. “I wanted to deny that I had any real addiction before, choosing to sweep it under the rug like it was nothing. I want to get clean for myself. I have to before I throw it all away for…”

  “For something stupid…like me,” I finished for him.

  He nodded weakly. “I was ready to give up my life for you,” he choked. “I’m as addicted to you as I am the drugs and alcohol. It’s unhealthy. I need to stand on my own two feet. I can’t do that with you.” He looked away from me and up at the ceiling. I sa
w how hard this was for him but my heart hurt and I wanted to be angry. I bit down on my tongue so hard that I tasted blood, but I knew it was better that I didn’t speak, because nothing nice would come out of my mouth. “Needing you is my fucking downfall. We’re all wrong for each other, Sutton,” he continued. “I think we did help each other. We helped each other heal, and we learned to love. But we’re too fucked up to ever work. At least right now. Maybe one day, but I’m afraid one day won’t be soon enough. I have to say goodbye to you. I’ll be gone for a while and even once I’m out, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough for this,” he pointed to himself and then me. “Don’t wait for me. Please, whatever you do,” tears streamed down his face, “don’t fucking wait for me. I’m not sure if I can come back here. It’s okay to move on. I love you, I do. More than you’ll ever know and that’s why I have to end this. I think you know in your heart,” he placed his palm over my chest, “that I’m right. I hope one day I’ll be ready to see you. Maybe even to love you, but don’t wait,” he repeated.

  I cried harder than I ever had in my entire life. I loved Caelan Gregory with every fiber of my being and his words ripped me apart, because deep down I knew he was right. We weren’t meant to be. He wasn’t the one. Maybe there never would be a perfect guy for me.

  “I love you,” I sobbed, “but I understand.”

  I scooted the wheelchair closer and he grasped the back of my neck, rubbing his thumb in slow circles. “I wish I was a strong enough man for you.” His lips glided against my forehead.

  My tears soaked his hospital gown. “I don’t want to lose you.”

  Even if we weren’t a couple I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life. I would feel so empty without him. I needed him…but I guessed that was why we didn’t work. Need was not a good quality in a relationship. It created a lethal bond that slowly self-destructed. In the very bottom of my heart and soul, I’d known this was coming—it was necessary.

  We would both end up stronger people because of this.

  That didn’t mean I liked it or that it was easy.

  Looking into his eyes I knew he was struggling with this as much as I was.

  “You’ll never lose me,” he declared. “I’ll always live here,” he touched my chest, just over my heart once more, “and here,” he tapped my forehead, “in your memories.”

  “Can I call you?” I asked.

  He shook his head, looking at me pityingly. “I don’t think that would be a good idea. Besides, I don’t think rehab facilities let you talk to outsiders. It’s all about the cleansing process. Please, don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

  I took a deep breath, gathering myself. “Okay.” I felt gutted. The right thing can sometimes be very painful.

  The nurse returned to wheel me away. He grasped my hand and held on tight. “I live for you.”

  I closed my eyes, savoring his words as I knew it would be the last time I ever heard him speak them.

  With a whisper that carried behind me as I was taken away, I said, “I live for you.”

  I did. And I always would.

  CHAPTER 27

  Sutton

  I’d thought I’d had my heart broken before.

  I was wrong.

  This was what having your heart broken really felt like.

  Couldn’t breathe, Couldn’t think, couldn’t feel.

  It was like the moment our hands released each other I shut down. I knew he was doing what was best for him, and ultimately me, but that didn’t make me feel any better.

  I felt lost.

  My buoy was gone and I was adrift at sea.

  He’d etched a permanent scar on my heart.

  The sliding glass doors opened onto the pickup line at the hospital.

  “Do you see your friend?” She asked.

  I searched the cars for Emery, but couldn’t find him. He was supposed to be taking me home since Daphne couldn’t.

  “No,” I said. I hoped he didn’t take much longer to arrive. I was tired and I wanted to get in bed and sleep for the next ten years.

  A few minutes past and Emery still hadn’t shown. I was about to ask the nurse to go inside and call him—I didn’t have a cell phone with me—when a car I didn’t recognize stopped in front of us. The driver hopped out, heading towards us.

  “Memphis,” I gasped. “What are you doing here?” I asked as he stopped in front of me.

  “Griff needed Emery’s help,” he shrugged. “So, he called me.”

  Of course he did. I could hear Emery’s proud voice in my head saying ‘fate.’

  “I take it this is your ride?” The nurse asked. I looked up at her to find her checking out Memphis.

  “Yep.”

  She wheeled me over to Memphis’ car and with their help I was secured in the passenger seat.

  “Thanks,” Memphis said to the nurse.

  I gave her a weak wave. She’d been nice, everyone had, but I wanted to get home.

  Memphis turned the radio down.

  Great. He wanted to talk. I really didn’t feel like talking anymore.

  “You know, I was really shocked when Emery told me what you did.”

  I rolled my eyes looking out the window at the scenery passing by. “Is that so?”

  “Yeah,” he said, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I never realized you were depressed. This has made me see that sometimes you just don’t know people.”

  “No, you don’t.” I replied in a short, clipped tone.

  “I wish you had said something to someone.” He whispered and I could tell from his voice that he was hurt. “I would’ve helped you.”

  “It was a rash decision.”

  I wasn’t looking at him, but I knew he was undoubtedly rolling his eyes. “Suicide is not a rash decision.”

  I whipped my head in his direction, letting my anger shine through. “You don’t know me. You don’t know what I’ve been through. Don’t judge me for trying to make the hurting stop.”

  “Whoa,” he said, braking for a stoplight. “Calm down. I’m not.”

  “It feels like you are,” I snapped. I was losing my voice at this point. If my doctor knew I was talking this much he’d bust a vein in his forehead. I rested my head against the window, letting my eyes drift closed. I was so, so tired.

  “I care about you…more than I should, which has been pretty obvious. I thought I was your friend. I wish you could’ve trusted me with whatever hurt you so much that you thought you had to kill yourself to make it stop.”

  I swallowed thickly. There was only one person I trusted and I didn’t have him anymore. He was gone. He was never really mine to begin with.

  “My dad killed himself,” Memphis whispered.

  Jesus, Christ! Did everyone in this fucking town have a dead relative?!

  I didn’t say that out loud though. I let him talk.

  “None of us knew he was depressed. I was fifteen and I couldn’t understand why someone would do that.” He let out a sigh. “But I’m older now and I do understand. The traumas of our past can seem like such a big deal. However, they’re really not. There’s always a tomorrow and with tomorrow comes the promise of a better day.”

  “Were you a philosopher in another life?” I questioned, fighting the desire to fall asleep.

  He chuckled—the sound deep and husky, entirely masculine. “You never know.”

  After picking up my prescription Memphis took me home. He helped me inside and then didn’t leave. Why wasn’t I surprised?

  “You can go now,” I told him, searching through a drawer for pajamas.

  “I’m not going anywhere.” He plopped down on my couch, put his feet up on my coffee table, and proceeded to turn on my TV.

  I was going to throat punch him if he didn’t get the hell out of my place.

  “Leave.” I said the word through clenched teeth. I glared at him with every ounce of hatred and annoyance I had left in my body.

  “No.” He grinned and dimples popped out on both of
his cheeks. How had I not noticed them before? “Get changed, sweetie,” he waggled his brows, laughing under his breath. “It’s going to be a long day and night and the next day and the one after that.”

  My mouth fell open. “What the hell?” I gasped, my voice sounding scratchy—kind of like what a demented cat would sound like if it tried to talk. Right on cue, Brutus jumped up on my bed, meowing that he wanted to sleep. Thank God Daphne had taken care of him while I was…indisposed. “You can’t just,” I floundered for what to say next, “move in here.”

  “I can,” he changed the channel, “and I will.”

  “Ugh!” I groaned, the sound causing my throat to hurt even more.

  I was too tired to argue, and seconds away from losing my voice. Memphis could stay if he wanted. Whatever. I didn’t care. I totally did, but he didn’t need to know that.

  I changed into pajamas in the bathroom. I tried not to think about what had taken place in there, but it was impossible.

  Without looking at Memphis, so he didn’t see my tears, I climbed into bed. I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow.

  When I woke up hours later, Memphis was gone.

  I felt joyous and did a little fist pump. I really didn’t feel like dealing with him. He was nice enough—too nice for me—but I wanted to be alone. Wallowing must be done alone and right now I had a date with the quart of ice cream hiding in my freezer.

  I didn’t bother with a bowl. I squirted chocolate syrup straight into the half-eaten container of ice cream, added sprinkles, whipped cream, and a cherry for good measure. Oh, yeah. It was perfect.

  I sat down on the couch and took my first spoonful.

  I moaned in pleasure, my tongue snaking out to wipe my upper lip free of whipped cream.

  “You know I never knew someone could make eating ice cream sexy.”

  I screamed and fell off the couch—and there went my ice cream.

  “Memphis!” I cried, my voice cracking. I picked up the container of ice cream and found that it was unharmed from the fall. “What are you doing here?”

  “I told you I wasn’t leaving,” he replied, sitting down several bags on the counter. “I went to the grocery store and Chick-fil-a.”

  “Why’d you go there?”