Beauty in the Ashes

by Micalea Smeltzer

  I grabbed the collar of his soft shirt in my hands and drew him closer to me. “Slow,” I breathed the words, “be gentle with me. I can’t handle another heartbreak.”

  He kissed me deeply and pulled away, running his thumb over my bottom lip. “Your heart is a precious gift and I will never look at it as anything else.”

  I scooted back on the bed and his body followed mine. He pulled his shirt off and tossed it somewhere behind him. I ran my hands along the smooth planes of his abs and chest. God, he was perfect.

  He took things slow, just like I asked, making sure I was comfortable and truly ready. I was. I wanted all of him and I wanted him to have all of me.

  He stared into my eyes as our bodies joined and he saw when I gave him that last piece of my broken heart—it might not have been whole, but every part now belonged to him.

  He kissed me tenderly and our breaths were in sync. Everything about us was right.

  Afterwards, wrapped in his arms, I couldn’t stop smiling. I was so incredibly happy. There was no longer a black cloud hanging over my head. For the first time in my life, things were good.

  But good things never last, and soon it would all come crashing down.

  CHAPTER 34

  Caelan

  I’d spent a lot of time with Leah since the day at the cemetery. We went to dinner and just hung out. It was nice reconnecting with her. I’d even spent some time with a few of the guys I’d been friends with from the football team. It was weird seeing these people again, but I needed this. I’d been avoiding anything that might be too painful for too long. It was time to stop running and hiding. I needed to live.

  “What are we watching?” Leah asked, sitting down on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and drinks.

  “I don’t care,” I shrugged and reached for a handful of popcorn.

  “Hmm,” she perused the row of DVD’s, “aha! Found it!” She chimed and slid the disc into the player.

  We’d decided to have a relaxing night at her place and watch a movie.

  My feelings for her grew every day. I found myself going out of my way to make her smile or laugh. I thrived off of seeing her happy.

  The movie started to play and she put the popcorn bowl between us, creating a barrier.

  I wasn’t sure if she didn’t have feelings for me, or she was scared that she did, but she was always careful to make sure we never crossed a line. I was growing impatient. I wanted more than this. Although, I knew that this was better than nothing and I shouldn’t rush things. I was a recovering addict after all. Slow was good for me. I didn’t want to do anything stupid that could hurt me and ultimately send me back to that dark place.

  The movie started, but I didn’t pay much attention to it.

  Instead, I watched Leah from the corner of my eyes. I noted the way she flicked her hair over her shoulder or twitched her lips when there was a part in the movie she didn’t like. I liked how her eyes sparkled when she laughed at a funny part or filled with tears when it was sad. She was the kind of person that felt things deeply. When the movie was over, she turned the TV off and cleaned up the popcorn bowl.

  I hovered in the doorway to her kitchen, my hands in my pockets. I felt so out of place and awkward. I’d always been a ‘charmer’, or so I’d been told, but I now found that I never knew the right thing to say. I felt so out of place.

  “Are you okay?” She asked me, pulling her long red hair back into a ponytail.

  “I have a lot on my mind,” I replied.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” She asked, grabbing her car keys off the counter to take me home.

  I shook my head and decided to change the subject. “I’m going to look at spaces for my gallery on Saturday…would you want to come with me?”

  “Saturday?” She looked to the side and I knew she was internally going through her schedule to see if she was free. “Yeah, I can go.” Smiling, she asked, “So, you’re really going to do it?”

  I nodded. “I am. I’m going to use the money I got from the sale of my parent’s house to buy it.”

  “I think that’s great, Cael,” she clapped her hands together. “I’m so happy for you. You deserve this.”

  “Thanks.”

  As she drove me home she asked me questions about what I thought I wanted to do with the gallery. I answered them the best I could.

  To be honest, I was scared to take this leap. I’d be taking a risk opening a gallery, but it was what I wanted to do and for once I was going to follow my dreams.

  I said goodbye to Leah and just like every time we parted, I longed to close the distance between us and kiss her. I never did. I didn’t want to push her away and I valued our friendship too much to jeopardize it.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  “Wow,” Leah gasped, looking around the space. Her voice echoed through the expansive area. “I love this one. It feels like we’re in New York City.”

  I had to agree with her. The ceilings were high with large windows, exposed ductwork, and brick walls.

  “This one also has an apartment attached,” the relator spoke.

  “It does?” That fact definitely piqued my interest. Not only would I have my own gallery, but I’d have an apartment too. I’d been looking for a place for a couple of weeks and kept coming up empty. Everything was either too expensive or a complete dump.

  “Yes,” Bob, the relator, nodded, “it’s just around here.”

  I followed him to a staircase that led to a door. The apartment was set up much the way my last one had been—everything open except for the bathroom.

  “What do you think?” Bob asked.

  “I think I’ll take it.”

  Leah squealed with excitement and jumped into my arms. She shocked me by kissing my cheek, dangerously close to my mouth.

  “Oh,” her cheeks reddened as she realized what she’d done. “I’m sorry.”

  Bob cleared his throat and quietly left us alone.

  Leah started to leave, but I grabbed her arm and pulled her against me. “Don’t be sorry.”

  She mumbled something and her gaze dropped to the ground. I grabbed her chin and forced her to look at me.

  “There’s something I want to try,” I whispered, leaning in. I’d wanted to kiss her for so long and with what she had done, she’d let me know she was ready.

  She swallowed thickly and her pulse fluttered in her throat.

  I lowered my head and sealed my lips over hers.

  The kiss started out slow, but quickly built. Her arms wound around my neck and her fingers into my hair. She tugged lightly as she moaned into my mouth. Her body fit perfectly against mine as I held her, almost as if she’d been made for me. Her mouth parted beneath mine, drawing me in. The tip of my tongue touched hers and it was like a thousand fireworks went off in my body. I’d never believed you could experience that feeling until it happened to me. She moaned softly as I grasped her waist, pressing her hips into mine. My old tendencies started to rear up and I had to squash my desire to take here right here, right now, pinned against a wall. I couldn’t do things like that anymore.

  When the kiss ended we both were out of breath and clung to each other. Her body shook and I held on tight so she didn’t float away.

  With a shaky hand she reached up to touch her slightly swollen lips.

  “I hope you’re not mad,” I spoke, “but I’ve been wanting to do that for a while.”

  “Not at all,” she smiled beautifully. “Can we do that again?”

  I didn’t answer her with words. I didn’t need to. I kissed her again, taking my time. I wanted her to know how much I craved her, but at the same time I didn’t want the intensity of my feelings to scare her. There was a reason I’d been so drawn to her when we were in high school. She was special.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  “That’s it,” Kyle said as he dropped the last box down on the floor.

  I felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction as I looked around the space that would soon be my gallery. But then onc
e I saw just how little boxes I had a frown formed on my face. It was pretty sad that my entire life fit inside ten boxes. That was it. I didn’t even have any furniture. I’d made Kyle get rid of everything from my old place. I’d only kept the necessities. I wanted a fresh start, but now as I looked around I felt pathetic that I was twenty-four years old and this was all I had.

  “Looks like someone needs to go shopping.” Kyle clapped me on the shoulder. He must have been thinking the same thing I was.

  “Yeah,” Leah piped in. “You need a bed, and a couch, and—”

  Kyle made a loud snoring noise, his head lolled to the side as he pretended to be asleep.

  Leah rolled her eyes.

  Jolting, as if he’d just come awake, Kyle said, “Once people start talking about shopping, that’s my cue to leave. I don’t shop. Have fun you two.” Waving to us over his shoulder, he left.

  “We should probably see if we can get you a few things.” Leah stood, brushing her shorts free of invisible dust. I couldn’t help but appreciate how nice her legs looked in those little white shorts. “Caelan?”

  I shook my head free of my thoughts. “You’re right. Let’s go.”

  I’d finally bought a car, so I drove. I had no idea what to look for in furniture so I went with what Leah liked.

  “Come on, Cael,” she groaned. “This is your place, not mine. It should reflect your style.”

  “Do I even have a style?” I grumbled, sipping on a Coke the sales lady had offered.

  “Everybody does.” Leah rolled her eyes like I was stupid.

  “I really don’t care,” I shrugged. “Pick out what you think looks nice and I’ll be happy.”

  I could tell Leah was getting frustrated with my obvious lack of interest, but honestly, what the hell did I know about furniture?

  Leah told the sales lady what items we wanted and then I paid. They couldn’t deliver it for a few days, so it looked like I was stuck sleeping on an air mattress. Wonderful.

  We walked out of the store and got dinner before going back to my place. Leah helped me unpack the boxes before she headed home. As soon as she walked out the door I missed her company. To distract myself I grabbed one of the canvases I’d bought and decided to paint.

  Almost instantly my mood changed with each stroke of color. It was undeniably therapeutic to bring something to life on a canvas. It was created from my mind and didn’t exist until I picked up a brush. Within art magic existed.

  When I painted, it was like something else took over. My hand made the necessary movements to bring alive her image. I chose pink for her hair and it dripped down the canvas in tiny rivulets. Her eyes came alive and her lips pouted at me. Only someone that knew her would know the woman on the canvas was Leah.

  For hours I painted. I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to create. So, I did.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  I took Leah with me to the storage unit I’d had Kyle place my belongings in. I hadn’t wanted to keep my furniture, but I had told him to make sure nothing happened to my paintings. I noticed other boxes stacked in the corner of the unit, stuff he hadn’t bothered to bring to his house.

  I started going through the paintings, looking for any I could hang up in the gallery and wanted to sell. There were plenty I knew I would leave here. I didn’t want to get rid of them but I couldn’t have them hanging in my apartment either.

  I stopped when I got to one of my paintings of Sutton.

  It was like the air had been kicked out of my lungs. I’d known these were here, but I hadn’t thought about what I’d feel when I saw them.

  In one word, sadness.

  I was sad because when I looked at her I saw our good times and our bad. I saw two broken people who were so desperate to feel alive they clung to anything that made them feel safe. But there was nothing safe about the two of us together. We’d been a fire burning uncontrollably, leaving behind a path of destruction across our hearts. I’d loved her in the only way I knew how at that time, but it had been a poisoned love. I’d never been able to give her everything. I knew we’d both tried and we thought we were better, but we’d only masked the pain like a Band-Aid over a fresh wound.

  “Who is she?” Leah asked, stepping up behind me. Her hand lingered on my back as she peered over my shoulder at the painting.

  No one would have been the easier answer, but I couldn’t reduce Sutton to that. She was special to me, even if I had said goodbye to her. She’d always have a place in my heart. She helped me get through so much and I’d always be appreciative of that. I hoped one day I’d have the strength to thank her in person, but I needed to get my life on track first.

  “She was someone I loved,” I whispered, hoping my words didn’t upset Leah.

  “She’s beautiful,” she commented.

  “She is. She’s got quite the fiery personality too,” I smiled fondly as I thought of Sutton.

  “Do you mind me asking…do you still love her?”

  I turned around to find Leah nibbling on her bottom lip and wringing her hands together. She was upset. I didn’t want that, but I had to be honest.

  “Yes,” I answered. “I still love her. I’ll always love her. But I’m not in love with her.” I took Leah’s cheek in my hand and rubbed my thumb over her soft skin. “There’s a difference,” I smiled lightly.

  “So…” She paused, her eyes darting to the ground. “It’s over between you two?”

  I chuckled at that. “I think we were over before we even started. We weren’t good for each other, but it took me being with her to finally accept that I needed help. She gave me the clarity I needed, but we had too many issues to ever make it.”

  “Do you miss her?” Leah’s voice cracked with the question.

  I thought about that for a moment, not sure of an answer. “I miss what we could have been had circumstances been different. But it’s over now and I’m sure she’s moved on,” I shrugged. “I’m moving on too…I hope,” I looked at Leah meaningfully. I curled my hand around the nape of her neck and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. I felt her relax and all I wanted to do was put her mind at ease. “You’re the one that I want.”

  She smiled at my words. “That makes me happy.”

  “It does?” I questioned, continuing to stroke her cheek. A huge part of me still worried that even though I was clean I would never be good enough for her.

  Leaning close to me she stood on her tiptoes to reach my ear. “You want to know a secret?”

  I nodded.

  I felt her smile as her lips touched my ear. “I want you too.”

  We clashed together, our lips fighting to reach one another’s. She tasted sweet—like sunshine and popsicles on a summer day. I couldn’t get enough. She fisted my shirt in her hands and my fingers tangled in her long hair. We hadn’t gone past kissing, but I felt the desire for more build between us. In the back of my mind I remembered the night at The Cove with her. I’d been so carefree and content then. Everything had come crumbling down around me that night and I had pushed her away, because I was stupid and didn’t know how to cope with grief. I’d been a boy, but now I was a man and I knew exactly what I wanted, and it was Leah.

  We bumped into the boxes and canvases went tumbling to the ground as we bumbled through the storage unit. Neither of us seemed to care though.

  She wrapped her legs around my waist and I pinned her against one of the walls. My hands were braced beside her head and her hips rolled against mine. I growled low in my throat. She was testing my restraint.

  My lips made a path down her neck and her soft pants filled my ears. “Caelan,” she breathed my name before I claimed her mouth once more. My fingers dug into her hips. I was desperate to take her clothes off and sink myself inside her, but I knew I couldn’t.

  I forced myself to pull away from her and laid my head in the crook of her neck. I panted heavily as I tried to catch my breath.

  “Why’d you stop?” She asked, sounding out of breath too.

  “We’re in a
storage unit,” I answered, “not exactly the best place to have sex.”

  “Oh,” she replied, as if she was only now realizing where we were. “Right.” She lowered her legs from my waist and I stepped back so she was no longer caged between my arms. The moment was gone, for now, but it wouldn’t be long until I made her mine.

  CHAPTER 35

  Sutton

  As I was packing boxes to move, I came across all the letters I’d written Caelan. I didn’t know what made me continue writing them after they were returned, but it made me feel better, even if he never read them. It had been three months since I wrote the last one—the day I found out I was going to have a daughter and Memphis and I declared our love for one another. I picked that one up now and started to read it.

  Dear Caelan,

  I have a lot to tell you since last time.

  I guess I should start with the good news (it’s all good news, but this is the best news). We’re having a girl! Can you believe it? I sure can’t. Sometimes it still doesn’t feel real that I’m having a baby. Unlike most girls, I never imagined myself having kids or a family. You gave me this gift though, and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I love her so much. Feeling her move inside me fills me with immense joy and pride. I often find myself wondering what she’ll look and be like. I hope she’s an artist like you. Wouldn’t that be nice? Regardless, I know she’s going to do great things.

  The other thing I wanted to tell you is I’ve fallen in love. You told me not to wait for you and a part of me wanted to ignore your request, but my heart had other plans. I’ve fallen in love with an amazing man that’s loved me through it all. He knows everything, but doesn’t look at me differently for it. I have to thank you for that—for giving me the courage to open up to people and tell the truth. You were right. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I didn’t do anything wrong. I haven’t done it yet, but I’m thinking of starting a group for women and girls who have been raped to come and share their stories and talk to people who’ve been through it. I think I would’ve benefited from something like that, and knowing that I’m going to have a little girl…I don’t ever want her to be scared like I was. I want her to have the strength to talk about things and not bottle it up inside like I did. I’m trying to be a good role model for her. I hope you get to meet her someday.