My Boyfriend is a Monster

by Coates, J. H.

  “He’s the gentlemen renting from Florida, you know . . . the one renting from Florida,” Todd botched trying to be sly but only making her blush.

  Looking to see if Nathan caught on to Todd’s ability to idiotize the entire moment she saw him smile and suddenly became over whelmed. “So, Louis is ...” she waited desperately trying to appear normal.

  He smiled embarrassedly. “I was just apologizing for anything my brother may have-”

  “He was actually kinda sweet,” she interrupted gaining her composure. “Brother?”

  “Adopted,” he said wondering if that made him sound as if he was making an excuse.

  “Of course,” she said holding her hand out.

  “You can tell?”

  “You don’t have an accent.”

  “Right,” he smiled again.

  Her heart started to race as she fought off the strangest urge to just lightly touch his lips. “Um, besides, no, he was fine.”

  “Good,” he said a bit relieved since he heard it from more than one person now.

  “Ok,” she said trying to prepare herself to not say or do anything stupid in front of the most gorgeous man she has ever met. Slapping her hands together and rubbing them she realized she had already failed. Shit, she thought.

  “I was actually wondering if you knew how to make a golden monkey black tea,” he tested.

  “Please,” she laughed with a tone that bordered on insane. Two epic fails, she thought again and started to grab all the ingredients placing them on her table. “I thought you were going to ask for something difficult,” she said starting the burner and pouring the water into the kettle.

  Looking over the ingredients he started to worry a little. “Honey,” he said not seeing it.

  “Excuse me?” she asked starting to grab little bits of leaves and spices.

  “I would like some honey in-”

  “Umm, I don’t think so,” she argued lightly and regretting it immediately. Good Lily, three for three, at least your batting a thousand, she thought with a dash of disdain.

  “I’m not trying to tell you how to make your tea,” he insisted.

  She just could not help herself. “But you kind of are,” she said deciding to stop keeping track.

  “It’s just yesterday’s tea was almost perfect.”

  “Almost,” she snapped then recouped with an awkward smile. What’s that, five? Six?

  “I mean, it was really, really good.”

  Raising her eyebrows she stood confused hoping the burner would hurry up and do what it was manufactured to do.

  Seeing it on her face he knew he had to try and fix it. “No, it was fantastic. . . I can’t make it that good,” he pleaded trying to dig out of the hole.

  Suddenly a giant honey pot appeared on the table with Lily leaning over it smiling. “Let’s see if we can’t make it perfect today,” she compromised then assured him. “With a tiny bit of honey, of course.”

  Instantly liking her he smiled back agreeing. Thinking if she was consistent with making the most amazing tea he had ever had he just might have to marry her. Watching her prepare the ingredients and heat the pot until the steam bellowed out of the spout he was actually enjoying himself. Dumping the scolding water she placed the sack of leaves and spices in the empty pot. Noticing he was about to ask she quickly answered, “Moisture.”

  “Moisture,” he repeated while learning.

  “That’s where you’re probably making your mistake.”

  He wasn’t sure if he liked that she just insinuated he was making mistakes. He preferred to think of it as her way of making tea a more complex alternative.

  She continued to explain. “The sack is dry-”

  “Ha,” Todd blurted out half way across the store.

  “Real mature,” she called out hearing the rest of the ladies at his table giggle. Turning back to the task at hand she continued to explain. “It’s dry when you’re putting it into the pot right,” she said and waited for him to nod. “Let it moisten in the first pot, like letting the pours open. It’s like getting the tea naked before it goes into the boiling water. This way you’re not trying to coax the flavor out once it’s in by pressing on it. It’ll just flow out all on its own,” she said lifting her head and seeing him in thought. Deciding to playfully jab at him she snapped her fingers. “Hey,” she said abruptly directing his eyes away from the tea bag to her. “Its tea, it’s not skinny dipping.”

  “I didn’t say it was,” he stumbled.

  Suddenly Lily felt awkwardly bad. “I am so - sorry, I didn’t mean that in a perverted way, I was . . .” She was lost. “I was just trying to be funny.”

  “I know,” he said smirking.

  Lily waited a second to make sure. Seeing it on his face she laughed. “You jerk,” she said hoping her laughs were sexier than the snorts she was dishing out earlier.

  “I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

  “Nice, you’ll fit in fine around here,” she said giving him a small but inviting grin.

  Feeling the heat rushing to his cheeks and forehead he was positive he was turning red. He could not be sure because his back was turned to them, but he wondered if the whole store was staring, he was almost certain they were.

  Walking by with a tray of coffee and desserts for a table Martin nudged him. “My friend, if she keeps bugging you like that, we have a 12 gauge that has many uses,” he said giving Nathan a quick wink.

  “Vete ala mierda,” Lily said in response.

  Martin started to laugh as he unloaded his tray. “Very good pronunciation Lily, I don’t know what – Go wing shit means, but pronunciation is, fantastico, muy Bueno.”

  “Dammit,” she said trying to remember how it went.

  Saving him twice now Nathan was indeed indebted.

  Passing by the other way Todd stopped and decided to interpret for Nathan. “She botched it. She was trying to tell him to fuck off in Spanish, and despite her screwing it up he thought her pronunciation was fantastic.” Shaking his head he returned to his counter. “Like having children.”

  Turning back to her he immediately got caught up in her smile and thought it was cute that she tried avoiding eye contact. The subtle twitches and nervousness she displayed told him she was avoiding direct eye contact because if she did he would see the crush that was mounting in them.

  “He’s been teaching me Spanish,” she said looking up from the table shyly. “He won’t teach me the bad words though. I have to Google them.”

  Noticing they were a big family here and all were invited in to be a part of it for as long as you wanted, made him feel a little more relaxed.

  “So Mr. Caesar, are you of Roman decent or any relation to, you know the original?”

  “Guiles Julius Caesar,” he guessed.

  Lily started to chuckle. “Yeah, that guy,” she said while dumping some unmarked spice onto a pile of leaves and twigs.

  “Well first of all, the name Caesar was already ancient and highly respected before Guiles came along. The suffix –ar was highly unusual in the Latin language, which means it is highly likely the Caesars’s origin is that of non-Latin. So it wouldn’t be truly Roman. . .” he trailed off. Realizing how much of a book worm he was coming across he finished quietly. “Originally that is.” He sat disheartened as Lily continued making his Monkey tea. “I’m sorry. I just took us to a whole new level of boredom,” he said breaking his own silence.

  “No . . . maybe,” she giggled.

  This didn’t make him feel any better. “Sorry, I sometimes get wrapped up in history.”

  “Ooh, I love history,” Todd said out of nowhere as if eavesdropping.

  “Si,” Martin agreed causing Nathan to wonder who was going to pop by next. “We have the history channel and everything,” he added nudging him again.

  Turning to Martin Todd held his arms out in a kind of “Are you kidding me” motion. “Seriously, I love history. I read it all the time.”

  “Really, Dr. Seuss make
s history books now?” Martin wondered sarcastically giving the other tables close by a laugh.

  Mockingly Todd laughed along with them then turned to Nathan with a deadpan look. “I do watch the history channel. And,” he wanted to emphasize. “I do read as well.”

  “I love the history channel,” Nathan said trying to help.

  “I also like the discovery channel.”

  “Another, good one,” he agreed.

  Waiting for the second kettle to boil Lily mentally willed him to leave but Todd just stood at the table seemingly torn.

  Finally he broke down. “Ok. I like reality TV,” Todd said taking a long deep breath and exhaling. “It’s like crack. Once you start watching it you can’t stop. Like right now, I really want to know what the Kardashians are doing. What’s Honey Boo-Boo up too, you know?” he asked. “Fat little white trash cabbage patch mother fucker,” he said waving his hands in front of his face looking for others who faced this addiction, but no one was stepping forward.

  Shaking his head Nathan felt bad that he could not sympathize because he had no idea who any of those people Todd just named were.

  “What are the Real Housewives going to do next? Which bitches is I talking about you ask? It doesn’t even matter – see,” he pleaded. “As long as some of them are doing something bitchy,” he said pulling up a chair beside him and slumping over. “I’m sick.” Then he pondered. “No it’s a sickness. Which means it’s not my fault,” he said but inside he knew it was a lie.

  “As long as you like it,” Nathan offered.

  “I would love to have a coffee with Snooki,” he admitted with a hint of terror on his face.

  “Really?” she asked from the fringe of his madness.

  “What is a . . . Snooki?” Nathan asked wondering if it was something you put in coffee.

  Looking at them as if he was breaking down at an intervention and finally realizing he was an addict Todd blurted. “I love anything teen. TV, movies, books it doesn’t matter, I’m a whore.”

  “I don’t think that makes you a whore,” he said failing to see his logic.

  Todd slowly raised his hand in the stop position. “I would rather watch a John Hughes movie I’d seen a hundred times then make love to my man,” he confessed.

  The two of them responded at the same time. “Really,” he said intrigued, Lily surprised.

  “No,” he admitted. “But I love’em, so much.”

  “Martin?” Nathan asked a little confused.

  “No . . . Teen movies, YA books and shit, aren’t you listening to the pain I am projecting?”

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s ok,” Todd said patting him on the back.

  Trying to flirt with the non-gay sitting at the table she decided to give it a second try and mentally will Todd away again.

  Meanwhile Nathan was still trying to be sympathetic. “Lots of people love watching teen shows and movies.”

  “Yeah,” he agreed pausing. “Fucking Teens, that’s who,” he said turning away ashamed. “The irony is I can’t stand actual teenagers, their all Frittatas.”

  Having very little experience in regular television and none in reality, Nathan tried to call upon anything in his vast experiences that might help. Living for over two centuries and having super powers was no help against the reality television addiction that seemed to be reaching epidemic levels around the world.

  Todd however was already moving on to the next stage. “Maybe that’s why women have children. Sure you have to start off with Sesame Street and Sponge Bob but eventually they get older. Then you have an excuse to watch teen shows again,” he said coming to a realization. “That’s it.”

  “No its not” Martin cut short appearing behind him.

  Without paying attention to his partners comment, Todd grabbed a cupcake from Martin’s tray that was obviously not intended for him and began eating it.

  “En serio,” Martin sighed.

  “Get another one Papi,” he said ending the altercation.

  Returning to the kitchen all they could hear was mumbled angry Spanish as Lily and Nathan smiled at one another. Then they smiled again.

  Thinking longer on the subject his plan began to take shape. “It would be the perfect cover.” Suddenly he looked like he had an epiphany. “Can you adopt teenage girls, holy shit, then I wouldn’t have to wait for them to grow up. We could just sit around, me and the girls watching all the new teen movies and shows and go shopping and stay up late talking about boys.”

  “It’s an interesting theory,” Nathan said wondering if he was even with them anymore.

  “I need a child Mr. Nathan Caesar,” he declared turning to him.

  Silently they sat across from one another locked into each other’s gaze. Nathan honestly did not know what to do or say but never wanted water to boil so badly in his life. Then by what could only be by the grace of a higher power he heard the water bubbling.

  “Waters boiling,” she called out just as the chime of the door went off. Hoping that the sound of a new customer would get Todd away from her table did not seem to be working. So trying to be casual she announced, “Customer.”

  “Oh yeah, she’s boiling,” Todd said turning to her still dazed.

  Lily nodded towards the counter while looking at Todd with a menacing stare she started off sort of inconspicuous, then became a bit more forthwith. “CUSTOMER WAI-TING.”

  “Okay bitch,” he whispered then looked at Nathan. “First the customer, then I got to talk to Martin about our plan.”

  “Nothing to talk about,” Martin said as he passed by. “We already got one girl, that’s enough.”

  “Awe, thank you,” Lily said feeling loved.

  “Don’t think that was a compliment honey,” Todd said heading to the counter.

  Looking at Nathan she reaffirmed it whether it was meant to be or not. “It was a compliment.”

  “Sounded like it was,” Nathan said being polite, and lying.

  Grabbing the sack that was now moist she dumped it into the kettle that was boiling. “Let it boil for a couple more minutes and trust me, the flavor will explode.”

  Thinking about it he decided he actually might be able to relate to Todd’s infatuation with reality television. Having such heightened senses that with the different hints of poignant flavors in a cup of well-made tea can be more overwhelming and delightful than humans could ever imagine. Even now he could smell each and every leaf and twig swirling within the spices. Giving off their individual flavor and then combining together making a different one made it absolutely euphoric to Nathan’s senses.

  Grabbing a large cup from the shelf and a lid she put them beside the kettle. “Now you know it tastes better in porcelain.”

  “Of course,” he said.

  “Milk or sugar?” she asked reaching for them in slow motion.

  “No thank you.”

  “A purist,” she distinguished then began to pour. “Good . . . I thought I was going to have to hit you,” she said putting on the lid. Grabbing two tea cups and two saucers from the lower shelf she poured the remainder through the strainer.

  Gently grabbing the saucer and placing it in front of him he put his index finger through the handle up to his knuckle. Placing his thumb on the top of the handle to direct the cup he then put his third finger underneath to secure it. Letting the weight rest on his third finger he let his fourth and fifth finger curve back towards his wrist, correctly holding his tea cup. Stirring the tea gently and dispersing the flavor throughout, she noticed he never touched any part of the cup with the spoon. Removing it he gently placed the spoon on the saucer behind the tea cup and to the right of the handle.

  Lily would have been impressed if he just didn’t take a sip from the cup with the spoon still in it. But watching this gorgeous man use proper tea etiquette was a huge turn on and she could already hear Todd laughing at her. Thinking he was going to lift the saucer with the cup still on it she held her breath. Lifting the cup off the saucer
his eyes did not leave the task at hand. Lowering the cup he glanced directly into her eyes and smiled making her want to rip everything off of her counter and take him right then and there. “Hmm,” she pleasantly sighed letting the warmth flush over her.

  Looking at her expression he realized he must have done something wrong. Leaning forward he whispered, “Do I have something in my nose?”

  “No.”

  “My teeth?” he asked ready to cover them with his hand.

  “No.”

  He looked down at his shirt. “Did I spill some tea?”

  Realizing she was starting to fantasize Lily quickly attempted to gain her composure. “No – no . . . I just thought when you went to grab your tea you were going to try too hard and come across . . . Um,” She paused. Leaning in she whispered as loud as she could. “To manly.”

  Feeling a little insulted he chuckled. “Well I’m glad I didn’t come across to manly.”

  “You know what I mean,” she said demonstrating by grabbing her tea cup. “Holding it like a beer mug or licking the spoon after you stirred.”

  Smiling he took another sip. “Then I’m glad I did not disappoint.”

  “I mean it could have been worse.”

  Almost spitting his tea back into his cup he covered up. “How can it be worse than not being to manly?”

  Raising her eyebrows she leaned in close again. “You know . . . like a certain somebody,” she said quickly nodding to direct his attention behind him.

  Turning around he saw Todd over embellishing a Miley Cyrus song and trying to twerk in reference to some joke he was telling. Martin was already walking away in embarrassment but everyone else was laughing. Turning back to Lily he saw she already had her hand over her mouth hiding silent laughter. He grinned. “I guess you’re right,” he said and chuckled.

  “You actually looked pretty suave.”

  “Well, thank you.”

  “Well, as suave as one can look drinking tea,” she humorously clarified.

  “Right,” he agreed feeling a little flush. “Believe me, years of practice.”

  Drinking the last of his tea Nathan was glad he still had a whole large to-go cup left. Even if it was not in porcelain he was still going to enjoy it.