Long Live the Queen

by Gerry Swallow

  “I’m more than okay. In fact, I’ve never felt better,” said Farrah, as anyone might who’s been given a brand-new body. “But what happened to my dress?”

  “You did it, Elspeth!” Winkie laughed as he hoisted Farrah off the ground and swung her around in a complete circle. “Once again you’ve saved the queen!”

  “Long the live the queen!” shouted Kevin and Gene.

  “Long live the queen,” the rest of them repeated.

  “Did you hear that?” said Winkie, his eyes locked tightly on Farrah’s. “Long live the queen. This time, try and get it right, would you?”

  Still unsure of exactly what had happened, Farrah looked at her husband as if he were crazy. “I don’t understand.”

  “Sorry,” said Winkie. “It was a joke and not a very good one, I’m afraid. It’s just that I’m so happy to have you back.”

  A tisket, a tasket, a queen once made of plastic,

  She fell stone dead, I switched her head,

  And now she feels fantastic.

  Chapter

  22

  There was just enough light left in the day to guide them out of the forest, yet not enough to get them across Torcano Alley. While it is generally agreed that traversing such a dangerously unpredictable stretch of land in the dark is simply too risky when traveling on foot, to go by air is another matter entirely.

  “You will tell the people that the queen is alive and well,” said Winkie to Fergus as he swept his hand in a grand gesture in the direction of Banbury Cross. “And Georgie will arrange a feast like none before. And there will be a parade to welcome her home. Let’s see. Am I forgetting anything?”

  “Maybe a special tribute to the many contributions made by sticks to our society,” Gene suggested.

  “Like drumsticks,” said Kevin.

  “And cue sticks, and yard sticks,” added Gene.

  “And lipstick,” said Kevin.

  “Would you two be quiet?” said Dumpty. “This is about the queen, not you.”

  When Dumpty turned away, the two sticks looked at each other and silently mocked him behind his back.

  “Honestly, I wish you wouldn’t make such a big deal about it,” said Farrah. “I don’t feel comfortable with such a fuss being made over me. Please, William?”

  “Very well,” said Winkie, before offering Fergus a surreptitious wink. “You will tell the people that the queen is alive and well and that she will be just one of many guests at a feast to honor the countless contributions made by sticks to our society.”

  “Don’t forget about the parade,” said Gene.

  “And a parade,” Winkie added. “Now go. There’s much to be done before we arrive.”

  “Yes, sir,” said Fergus, and with a quick nod he turned and was off through the darkening sky toward Banbury Cross.

  Elspeth found a quiet place upon a log where she could sit away from the group in order to collect her thoughts. She was understandably worried about Jack. The last time she’d seen him, he was lying flat on his back with cracked ribs and dead monsters on either side of him. She could only assume and hope that Rory, Cory, and Maury had gotten him back safely and that his injuries were being properly tended to. Then there was that whole murder business of which she could make no sense.

  Farrah approached Elspeth cautiously. She climbed upon the same log and sat down beside her. By this time she had been brought up to speed on her own sudden death and recent resurrection. With no memory of any of it she had to take Elspeth at her word, despite how absurd the whole thing sounded.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “Oh yes,” said Elspeth. “Just thinking about how nice it is to have you back.”

  “You know, it seems to me that if there’s going to be a parade for anyone, it should be for you,” said Farrah. “After all, you did save my life. Twice.”

  Elspeth gazed out across Torcano Alley. She rubbed her sore neck and rolled her head from side to side. “I don’t know,” she said. “I’m not sure I’m really cut out for this whole fame business. Too much pressure.”

  “It comes with being a hero.”

  “I don’t mind being thought of as a hero,” said Elspeth. “I just don’t want to be reminded of it all the time.”

  “I know what you mean,” said Farrah. “For instance, I enjoy being queen because of the opportunities it affords me to help others, but the celebrity part I could do without.”

  “Speaking of helping others,” said Elspeth, “I could really use your help with something.”

  “Of course,” said Farrah. “Anything.”

  “It’s Jack. He’s been accused of murdering the Muffin Man.”

  “The Muffin Man? Who lives on Drury Lane?”

  “No, different Muffin Man. Larry. Anyway, there are witnesses who claim Jack was at the scene. Of course the idea that he would do anything like that is ridiculous.”

  “I agree,” said Farrah. “Don’t worry. I’ll tell William to put Jeremy Nod on it. He’s considered the best lawyer in all of Banbury Cross.”

  “I’d appreciate that,” said Elspeth. She gave Farrah a smile that was at least half made of sadness. “You know, it’s been a long time since we’ve talked like this. I’ve really missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you too.”

  “I’ll try and visit more often.”

  “If you can,” said Farrah. “After all, you do have your own life back in the Deadlands. People there need you as well.”

  Elspeth’s smile edged closer to happiness knowing that, at that very moment, her mother was on her way to the airport to pick up her father. Not sure why, but she’d missed him more than usual this time. And though Sheldon would never be as carefree or demonstrative with his love as Jack, there was no denying that he was still the kind of father that many people would love to call their own.

  From that point on, they sat in silence and watched as a flickering amber light danced its way through the darkness at the far end of Torcano Alley. At a safe distance, a torcano really was something quite beautiful to see.

  Soon after, Elspeth and the others settled in for the night, and in the hours before morning, Elspeth’s dreams seemed as numerous as the stars glimmering above her head. There were nightmares about the witch and about Krool. There were dreams that involved being chased by a stranglerat and not being able to run away. There was even one in which she dreamed she woke up to find that everything that had happened in New Winkieland had itself been a dream. When she finally did wake up with the rising of the sun, it took more than a moment to figure out what was and what wasn’t real. She wondered if Krool had been there, would he have knowledge of her dreams? And if so, how?

  The trip across Torcano Alley was a quiet one. Even Gene and Kevin seemed too tired or traumatized by recent events to make idle chitchat. Farrah and Winkie both rode upon Bo-Peep’s shoulders as Elspeth’s neck and shoulders were much too sore. As for Dumpty, being that he was half egg on his mother’s side, he had neither neck nor shoulders and, even if he did, his recurring vertigo made him a poor candidate for carrying others.

  By the time they reached the top of the switchback trail, music could be heard far off in the distance. The celebration, it seemed, had already begun.

  “You know, there just aren’t enough good songs about sticks,” said Gene.

  “Maybe you should write one,” said Elspeth, who would instantly regret her comment when Gene began to do just that.

  “If you’ve got an itchy spot on your back, go fetch a stick. Yeah, yeah. And if you wanna build a nest, better gather up a mess real quick. Yeah, yeah.”

  Elspeth had never before had a greater appreciation for music than when they finally neared Banbury Cross and the sound of the marching band successfully drowned out Gene’s horrible singing.

  It appeared that the entire village was out for the celebration as well as many from neighboring towns. In addition to revelers, the streets were crowded with musicians, street performers, and journalists cover
ing the big event.

  When the crowd caught site of Bo-Peep and her royal passengers as they made their way toward the castle, the ovation was deafening. “Long live the queen!” they chanted, as Farrah obliged them with a smile and a wave. This time, Elspeth was more than happy to have at least some of the focus on someone other than herself. Still, she stopped periodically to shake hands, sign autographs, and kiss the occasional baby. When she caught sight of Cory and his brothers she knew her father had made it back okay, but when she spotted Jill moving toward her alone she quickly returned to a state of unease.

  “How is he?” she asked. “Is he going to be okay?”

  “It depends on what you mean,” said Jill, who had obviously been crying. “He’s in the prison infirmary.”

  “Prison?”

  “He was arrested upon his return for violating the provisions of his bail.”

  Elspeth was instantly angry. It was the kind of rage she once felt often but hadn’t in a very long time. “Arrgh,” she growled. “I feel like breaking something.”

  “How about a dish or a cup?” said Gene nervously.

  “This is unacceptable,” she said. “I’m going to talk to the Cheese right away.”

  “Do you think he’ll listen?” asked Jill.

  “If he doesn’t want to be put through a grater he will.”

  Elspeth left Jill with the promise to do everything within her power to secure Jack’s release and zigzagged her way through the masses toward the police station.

  Polly was just putting the kettle on when Elspeth stormed in, slamming the door behind her. “Where is he?” she demanded. “Where’s Rodney?”

  “Detective Cheese is at the castle on official business,” Polly responded, somewhat haughtily. “May I give him a message?”

  Elspeth turned without answering and stormed out, taking full advantage of the opportunity to slam the door once more. She fought her way through the crowd toward the castle gate, this time rebuffing any and all autograph seekers and their babies.

  Unlike Jill, she was allowed instant and unfettered access to the castle. Being a hero, though a high-pressure business to be sure, did come with its perks. She stopped briefly to stare up at the statue in the courtyard then continued across to the door that led to the Great Hall. There she found Georgie frantically directing the many castle workers and volunteers from the community, who were busy setting up tables and chairs and hanging banners and other things to brighten the walls to match the mood. The mood of the villagers, that is. Elspeth’s mood was something else altogether.

  “Elspeth!” said Georgie when he saw her, his arms spread as wide as his smile. “You’ve done it again!”

  “We sure did,” said Gene.

  “You don’t look very happy,” said Georgie, gleefully ignoring Gene.

  “I’m not,” said Elspeth. “I need to speak with the Cheese right away.”

  “Haven’t seen him,” said Georgie. “I’ve been a little busy preparing for the feast, as you might imagine. Now, I’ve got you seated at the royal table, just to the left of the queen. Unless you’d rather sit somewhere else, of course.”

  “The royal table will be fine,” said Gene.

  “Actually,” said Elspeth, “I won’t be staying for the feast, I’m afraid. My father’s returning from Florida, and I really should clean my room.”

  “I see.”

  “And my other father is in prison, and I must get him out. Before I go, however, I do have a favor to ask.”

  “Sure,” said Georgie. “What is it?”

  “It’s about the statue.”

  “Ah, yes. The eyes are too beady. I assure you that will be remedied just as soon as—”

  “No,” said Elspeth. “It’s not the eyes. It’s the whole thing. If it’s not too much trouble, I would like it taken down.”

  “What?” exclaimed Gene. “Taken down?”

  “You don’t like it?” asked Georgie, looking genuinely hurt. Elspeth was unaware that he had been the first to propose the monument and had been the one in charge of spearheading the project.

  “Are you kidding? She loves it,” said Gene.

  “I don’t,” said Elspeth. “I mean, it was a very thoughtful gesture. It’s just that, I think all that bronze might be put to better use. Perhaps as a fountain for the new park. Kids could run through it in the summer.”

  “I think we should talk this over,” said Gene. “Remember, this decision affects both of us.”

  And it was exactly that which resulted in Georgie’s feelings of disappointment quickly turning into warm satisfaction, knowing that if the statue of Elspeth went, so did the statue of Gene.

  “I understand perfectly,” he said, his enthusiasm sudden and a bit over the top. “And I think melting down the statue and turning it into a fountain is a wonderful idea.”

  Fame, fame, go away.

  Don’t come again another day.

  Elspeth’s not a fan, okay?

  Chapter

  23

  Elspeth continued to stomp through the castle, searching for the Cheese. She started with the more obvious places and quickly moved on to those less likely.

  She checked the kitchen, the library, and the woodworking shop, where she found Bo-Peep looking on while the carpenter worked to turn Kevin into a proper Shaolin fighting stick.

  “Lookin’ good, Kev,” said Gene, as the carpenter used a plane to shape Kevin’s upper half.

  “Whoa, whoa, easy now,” said Kevin. “Not too much off the top.”

  Bo-Peep said she hadn’t seen the Cheese, so Elspeth continued her quest. She walked past the entrance to the East Tower and thought it unlikely that the Cheese could negotiate the spiral staircase. Still, she thought that perhaps she could spot him from the tower lookout, so up she went. When she reached the top of the stairs there was Dumpty, surprised to see her.

  “Well, hello,” he said. “Why are you not celebrating with the others?”

  “I’m looking for the Cheese,” she said, her rage having by now given way to frustration.

  “That’s right,” said Gene. “And when we find him, the cheddar’s gonna hit the fan.”

  “How about you?” asked Elspeth. “Why are you not celebrating with the others?”

  “I’ve never been one for large gatherings,” Dumpty replied. “Besides, I figured I’d be more useful up here. Even without the golden pear, Mary Mary is still a mog. And as long as she has the ability to transmogrify she could be any of those people down there and we’d have no way of knowing.”

  The idea of such a thing at first caused intrigue in Elspeth and resulted ultimately in a startling realization. “Yes,” she gasped, suddenly unable to contain her excitement. “As a mog she can appear as anyone or anything, right?”

  “That’s the theory,” said Dumpty.

  “Thank you. Thank you so much!” She took Dumpty’s hand and shook it aggressively.

  “For what?”

  “For saving my father.”

  Without further explanation, Elspeth left Dumpty dumbfounded and hurried down the stairs and out the tower door where she immediately ran right into the Cheese, who just happened to be rolling merrily by.

  “Hey, go easy on the Cheese,” said the Cheese before he realized who it was who had just about flattened him. “Hey, Lady E. What’s up?”

  “We’ve been looking all over for you,” said Gene.

  “You put my father back in prison?” said Elspeth.

  “I’m sorry, but the cat jumped bail. Gave the Cheese no choice.”

  “Well, I think I can prove his innocence,” said Elspeth. “I’d like to see the file. The interviews with the witnesses. I want to read the transcripts right away.”

  The Cheese thought about this and could find no reason to object. “If you think you’re onto something, then by all means,” he said. “You know me. The Cheese stands on the side of justice. I only want to get to the truth.”

  Detective Cheese escorted Elspeth to the station
and provided her with the written accounts from the Baker’s Man, Carol Sprat, and several others. Polly offered Elspeth a cup of tea, but she politely declined before sitting down in Detective Cheese’s office, where she began intently scanning through the documents, starting with the statement from the Baker’s Man. She stopped abruptly when finally her index finger landed upon the appearance of the word “charcoal.”

  “Yes!” she said to herself as she quickly flipped open the statement from Carol Sprat and began running her finger along each line until the word jumped out at her once more. “Charcoal!”

  She gathered up the documents then stood and pushed back from the desk. She stormed out of the room and thrust the pages beneath the Cheese’s nose. “Check this out. Jack didn’t kill Larry the Muffin Man. Mary Mary did.”

  “Mary Mary?” said the Cheese. “That nasty old witch?”

  “You have several witnesses who say they saw Jack at the scene of the crime,” said Elspeth. “But I can give you at least half a dozen, myself among them, who will tell you that Mary Mary’s breath smells distinctly of charcoal, which is how your witnesses describe the person they saw running from the scene, covered in muffin batter.”

  “Which is a very significant detail,” said the Cheese.

  “Yes,” said Elspeth. “And I can testify, along with King William himself, that we saw Mary Mary appear as a torcano, proving that she’s a mog who can take on the forms of other things or other people. People like Jack who, incidentally, smells nothing like charcoal. He smells like garbage.”

  “I don’t know,” said the Cheese. “It all sounds kind of crazy.”

  “Not as crazy as a good man like my father killing the Muffin Man for no reason,” said Elspeth.

  The Cheese had to agree that Elspeth’s theory made at least as much sense as a man with no history of violence committing a crime with no real motive. “It may take a few days to get the charges officially dropped,” said the Cheese. “But I might be able to at least get him out of jail based on this. That is, if I can get an emergency hearing before the judge.”

  Though Elspeth may have held some reservations about being treated as a hero, she certainly was not above using her celebrity status when it came to her father’s freedom. “Maybe if you were to remind him that I just saved the queen’s life?” she said.