A Life Plan Without You.

by Christine Wood

  I couldn’t hear her mate’s side of the conversation this girl was gobby and loud and still Andy has contact, why was she living in his house and if he owned a house, why is he still living at home?

  “Good job it wasn’t the night before, if he thought that was bad, I had Andy and Zoë in there, and a couple of others, a group orgy. It was a good night and we had a very nice time, a bit of girl on girl and shit, a whole lot of Andy and his cock. He very nearly dumped Zoë, when I offered to try the ropes, but he frightens me, no amount of money’s worth the darker side of Andy, he sensed it was just for show when he got them out, so he took Zoë to the basement instead, and they played in there for hours. She slept for two days after that night, and the screams from in the room were loud.” Well I suppose that explains the house then.

  “Oh my word you are a slut girl, two brothers at the same time there’s a name for girls like you.” There is you're right, it's prostitute and I'm fuming.

  “He would have been upset with the ménage à trois, going on that night, my pathetic attempt to get Andy away from Zoe and using Sam to do it. I thought it would work, but nearly a year of crap sex with Sam and still Andy wasn’t for leaving pity. From what I’ve been told, Sam’s shagged half of Stockton on the market, at some stage, in search of his perfect girl. No doubt trying to find someone as good as me in the bedroom department… I’m going to see if I can get a rise out of him, and his bastard brother, mess with his head? See what this girls like I bet she’s a plain Jane a yes Sam, no Sam sort of girl. Whoever she is, she won’t be good enough for him, and I know he still moons after our lost love.

  He’d dump her in a flash for me. After all being someone’s first is special, you always have a piece of them, and well, that’s what I told him It would be something just for us, what it was, was a fucking nightmare, he was a shy, fucking nineteen year old virgin, when I took his three second piece. Andy he may pay more to keep me away from him. I live in the house rent-free, and he gives me an allowance bless him, and his fucking conscience. Besides, Sam should be rolling in it now, if he’s on the same deal as Andy.” Would Sam dump me for her again, she wouldn't worth looking at when I have finished with her, if he does?

  “I need some more gear, the parties have not got started properly yet, and we have to be established again fucking Andy emptied the house, so my savings went on furniture and the shit he took. The clients have been told were open for business again, discreetly because the neighbours think it’s a hotel. Andy takes his business to another club he owns, I may get my hands on a share of that. He loves his fucking brother so much he will do anything to protect him from me. Come on let’s get a look see at the girl he’s picked.” She laughs again and her friend agrees. I don’t think so bitch. Oh, I’m so ready for her.

  I wiped and went to wash my hands, re-doing the lip. She looked at me through the mirror I eyed her up she looks like Zoë, not as tall, nice clothes, somewhat pretty. Then it hit me who she was, her hair is different and her makeup is on with a trowel shit… She’s picture girl, the whore stood before me is the girl in the picture he carries around. She looks embarrassed she realises I must have heard the whole conversation. I find it amazing what bloody girls find to talk about in loos.

  “Ouch, that looks sore?” My heart sank he was still in love with this girl stood in front of me? I had to wonder why she was a nasty piece of work. Then again, she had taught him all about sex. She’d, had that with Sam, which was more than I could get from him! Crap was this reason for his failure to deliver on that score? Was she really that good at sex and were her assumptions right and he was screwing around to find someone as good as her? She would have to be good at it being a prostitute, surely? Then again he hadn’t given me a go, was I missing something in the body department? I scanned hers, nope I’m thinner than her, boobs are the same I’m shorter by a couple of inches perhaps? Don’t be stupid height isn’t stopping him having sex with you Michelle, but it is her, what did she do to you Sam?

  “The other girl got a little lucky, I had my back to her, she didn’t stand a chance once I turned around, it looks far worse than it is.” She looked at me and made a comment about girls, fighting. “I don’t fight darling she came at me from behind I was sucker punched. I blocked her next hit with self-defence moves. I’m not a fighter, but don’t get me wrong if something’s worth fighting for I do, believe me with vengeance. I do martial arts and self-defence. She was stupid enough to think she could take my fella off me. Which was her first big mistake the second being she thought I’d take it lying down. Another big mistake, my fiancé actually loves me and trusts me totally and of course, I love and trust him totally.” Erm liar, liar pants on fire wow you can lie if you want to Welles… Shut up and help voices… I’m drowning here!

  She nodded. My fingers were tightly crossed, I’d done one year of judo, and three summers police self-defence classes at Gram’s church, I am therefore an expert and not well technically his fiancée, but I have been asked several times though.

  “I wouldn’t want to piss you off then.” I laughed, you already have photo girl you already have.

  “I have to go my fiancé is waiting for me, goodbye nice talking to you.” I walked out. I went to Sam, I was desperate to get him out, before he saw her, and she took him from me.

  “Can we go now please and quickly now please Sam?” I was too late. She was heading our way. He looked as white as a ghost when he saw her too and he looked at me and then turned from me. Was he embarrassed by me? Why what had I done? Why was this girl so special? She had nothing nice to say about him, she was nasty and vile. All his inabilities were down to the first time sex, with her. Was he still in love with her? The next few minutes would tell me which way this would go.

  “Hello Sam, we meet again.” I smiled as she looked at me with horror in her eyes, she knew she was in for a battering, she knew too I’d heard the conversation. I was now doing a victory lap of the pub, well in my head I was.

  He turned away from me, making bile come to my throat. I watched as my worst nightmare comes to fruition he’s going to leave me, he was using me, his promises every day he loves me are meaningless and empty. No please no, the Sam I know and love is stood here before me a stranger, embarrassed to be with me, and ignoring me, what am I missing here? I recover and so help me with great strength, I resist hitting her straight out, because I am so in the mood for her.

  “Again we should stop meeting like this.” I offer my hand. Which she stupidly shakes. I squeeze it so hard grabbing her arm and crushing her elbow in my grip she has tears in her eyes. I go to give her a cheek kiss. “No more money from Andy and no rent paid. You leave the house tomorrow and I swear you whore, one word to Sam and I won’t self-defend. I will, you little slut, fuck with you worse than anything you could ever imagine happening to you in your kinky fucked up world. I will kill you, slowly are we clear? Ask about, I’m sure you will find me more than capable bitch.”

  She looked like she’s going to run. Andy is looking on terrified she spots Andy's face too. Zoë looks at me with hate in her pigeon eyes. Get screwed the pair of you. You have done worse to Sam. I love him I’m going to fight to keep him. She still has my hand or rather I still have hers, she can’t shake it free.

  “Hello, Sam’s lost his good manners. I’m Michelle, his fiancée.” Sam’s mates were in and being my cheerleading squad. I go to grab his hand and he pulls it from me, something Zoë notices and smiles at, you want to go there? Really? I scowl back at her, but my priority now is Sam. Andy catches and notices the nastiness with Zoë too.

  “Hiya Rocky, how did the other girl get home ambulance wasn’t it?” I looked over at them and I laughed.

  “No boys I put her in a taxi to the hospital, thanks for your concern.” I give her hand a final squeeze and whisper in her ear.

  “Run and keep going, don't look back this is your one and only warning. Next time I promise you won’t be able to fuck, anything when I’ve finished with you.” She wa
lked out of the pub. I looked in Sam's direction he looked straight past me. He was watching her leave, he didn’t move, he just watched her. I was pushed out of the way by Zoë literally she shoved me away and came to his side. That was my place not hers but he had refused my hand, hers he took gladly. She’d left but he was still watching the back of the door, not moving just watching. Zoë smiled at me whilst hugging my Sam, my lost Sam, I’d lost him to a whore.

  Andy looked as panicked as me, my eyes begging him to help me. He looked like he wanted to come and hold me, and he looked in pain too. He watched as I left. I turned to see if he wanted me? He was hugging her back, Zoe not me. I walked out of the other door. I was lost he was still in love with her. Then with the Zoë thing, did they do threesomes together, and that’s why the Michelle heckles were up? He’d screwed her, with Andy? I felt sick at the thought he didn’t love me at all? No he did, but why her too? She was the one other, but were did that leave Zoë? Perhaps they’d had sex, I wish I wasn’t so bloody in the dark about his past? I was in a daze and just walked. I couldn’t think straight, my feet were moving.

  I watched in horror as the worst mistake I ever made walked with Michelle back from the toilet and as I see her face I am hit with a fear and loathing like nothing I have ever felt before, my father is the only one person I hate more than this piece of filth, she smiles as she walks towards me and I can’t take my eyes of her, I need to see she doesn’t touch Michelle. Michelle cannot see the hate I have in my eyes now so I turn around, she is tainted with enough of my shit, and now Janet, what the fuck did she say to my baby, her face was one of shear horror, she will know how weak I was and stupid and how I was used by a prostitute.

  I hear words coming from Michelle, I can’t focus, as Andy looks in horror, what the hell’s happening, this isn’t happening why is she back nearly three years and she waltzes in like we are best friends? I hear a cheer I hear go Rocky I see Zoë and push her hand from me, I feel Michelle’s hands around me I calm down she is here she is safe and I watch as Janet leaves the pub, how long was I out for this time, fuck I hold my baby’s arms and they aren’t hers I turn and its fucking Zoë!

  “Where is Michelle, Andy where the fuck did she go?”

  “She ran off perhaps she’s in the toilets sulking, how much bad news can such a little girl take?”

  “Fuck of Zoë She ran off Sam crying and I couldn’t follow her I couldn’t leave you!”

  “Which way?”

  “I don’t know I didn’t see her go I just know she was upset and crying I heard her I couldn’t see her. Go get her don’t let her destroy you and Michelle go get her now.”

  “Leave her she will come back she always does!” I send Zoë hurtling to the ground as I run, I run to the steps again, fuck celebrating we are never doing it again, third time today I have visited these bloody steps! I run as fast as I can, she isn’t there and she isn’t across the field! Fuck have her Dad’s enemy’s found her? Shane, I run and never have I ran as quickly. The club comes into view and as see Colin and Chris I panic. Shane has gone too…

  “Where is Shane I can’t find Michelle?”

  “Over there, someone’s hurt his Princess and he’s fucking angry.” Thank God she is safe I died a death then, shit tears again, I can’t do more tears tonight it’s a mess and I hate this! Right she gets to know everything and as much as I love her we need to step back and regroup, I need to tell her everything good bad and every shit thing I have done…

  Somehow I ended up with Shane, he held me tightly as I clung to his chest. Then the tears started, he picked me up, I couldn’t go home like this, I was a sorry mess.

  “What’s the matter with my Princess? Tell me, who’s done this to you?” He walked with me in his arms, to the steps opposite and he let me cry into his chest. I just cried because I couldn’t speak. I was so confused upset and so angry with myself for falling for him, so hard and so quickly. He passed me tissue after tissue. He didn’t ask questions, he just let me cry and he held me tightly.

  “A girl, a tramp, a slut, a whore he loves her, but not me Shane. Why am I not good enough, why?” I saw Sam running towards Heaven and us. I heard his voice and he was worried, why, I would let him go? I wasn’t what he wanted and I’m no bodies sloppy second and he knew that. I’m just the dumb naive girl, who fell for a stranger, all be it a dark and handsome one.

  “Where’s Shane, Michelle’s she’s not at her usual run to place, she’s disappeared, I’m worried, really worried about her?” They pointed to us sat on the steps. My cries were now sobs, deep and long chest hurting sobs.

  “Watch it he’s mad, someone’s upset his Princess, big mistake, he’s really mad.” He came over and pulled me to him, I pushed him away. My voice in sobs.

  “Go and see the girl your still in love with, go away. Please leave me alone, just leave me alone and go away. You promised me Sam, no one I needed to worry about. Who in the hell, was she then? Obviously someone, I had to worry about my world has smashed into pieces Sam.” Mine too baby…

  “Michelle I’m with the girl I love. Baby, you’re my whole world.” He looked down at me all I could see was he and she together and it made me so sick, sad, and bloody angry, why was he crying, was he serious he loved me after he ignored me for her and Zoë?

  “She told you to leave and for her sake I’m not going to hit you, but so help me if you don’t go now. There won’t be that much left of you, I warned you she wasn’t to be hurt, yet you did it. Are you back to your old ways Sam? Because I will kill you if you are, not with my Princess you don’t. She isn’t the usual tart you take from here.”

  I’ll stay and take whatever punishment he gives me, I deserve it she’s destroyed and all this is my doing, I should have just told her everything, please listen to me baby I love you and seeing you hurt this much is killing me, I won’t let us die, ever…

  He refused to go, and I knew Shane would do as he said. I loved Sam and didn’t want him hurt no matter what he had done he’d given me a month of fun and love. Perhaps that’s all we had or were to have together, fate is a fickle mistress, and I still needed to know why he lied to me led me on with his promises. Such a good thing, he wasn’t for having sex with me now and I hadn’t given him my gift. I was always told the one I loved true would be the only one and there would only be one, so now I was screwed, because I loved Sam and he loved others as well as me perhaps? He did love me, but not in the same way as he loved her, shit them, hell were there more?

  I want it explained, if it’s just so I can learn and move on and find my one. I wanted Sam to be the one, I needed it to be Sam, and I hated Sam for using me, worse still my heart is breaking, because I love Sam and I always will. As the song goes, 'confusion, it's such a terrible shame. Our favourite band had a song for every sad bloody occasion.

  “Shane let him explain and then he can go, and then can I get a taxi home please?” He stood with the rest of the bouncers, he didn’t want to, but went he too was angry. We went to sit in the garden, were we ate our sandwiches. I was so weak. I slumped on the wet seat all cried out sobbing and cold. He took his jacket off to put around my shoulders. I threw it on the floor, all I wanted to know why I wasn’t good enough, and I wanted explanations. He put it back on the bench.

  “Explain, then I can get home. I knew all this was too good to be true. It’s her you’re so madly in love with, that’s why we’ve not done it. Why am I not good enough for you? Do you want her back, that skanky bondage whore? You were with her for a whole year, the one you still moon over. Would I be just someone else you’d just had meaningless sex with on Saturday? Would you be adding me to the list of those you have just fumbled with? Drunken sex, one night stands, fumbles those you can fuck? But me who you, say you supposedly love, you won’t have sex with, why Sam why? I would have given you everything Sam and then some you are the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing before I sleep and every fucking minute in between.”

  He smiles and that makes
me angrier, he is smiling and I feel like dying, or beating the crap out of him and then her and oh if he laughs once more.

  “Vaffanculo, tell you what, come on get me pissed, and shag the hell out of me on the market, that’s your place of choice I believe? Not in my warm and inviting bed, not in my arms that hold you when I tell you I love you and bloody mean it, the same arms that hold you when you cry. Let's just do it meaningless, drunken sex, then fuck off back to her, that’s what you want don’t you, her? The one you love the one who has that piece that means so fucking much to you, your first wonderful loving girlfriend. Who held you, worshipped you, wanted you and made you feel like you were the only person in the world?

  Vaffanculo, that would have been me. She must have been good at the sex thing though. That’s something I don’t know about, being as you can’t or rather won’t do that with me. Such love you must have for her, she really must have been good in bed for you to want to go back to her, well better than me because, I’m good enough for some things, but not the others. Why did you make all the meaningless and empty promises, why ask me to fucking marry you, that’s what’s killing me Sam, why?

  You can tell me Sam that you love me a million times a day, but prove you love me, tell me the sodding truth please, and answer me truthfully. Do you remember, Sam my rules that first night my rules are never Lie cheat or hurt me? You’re doing all those things to me Sam, all of them and now...” I thumped his chest so hard. He just held me, whilst I cried into it. I pulled away and I then quite spectacularly threw up. I stood to run and my legs began to buckle, he caught me and held me tightly as I cried. Sitting back down, he let me go quiet. Then he started to talk. I listened through my sobs.