A Life Plan Without You.

by Christine Wood

  “He’s hit me Michelle, he hit me so hard and so many times the last time I didn’t have any feeling for hours, then I had three days of headaches and the bruises were horrid, all over my body. We didn’t see him for a week after that attack he’s nearly killed me more than once. He’s thrown me down the stairs he’s held my hands over the cooker, over the kettle. He has hit and stomped on and hurt most places on all of my body. He has a friend called ‘Old faithful,’ he gets used a lot, and he attacks us when we sleep. He hits Mum too he likes to hit us he seems to need to hit us… I just want him dead.

  Baby, he is a monster. I see him and want to run and hide like the four year old little boy I was when it all started. I can’t remember a day were he hasn’t done something to me or at me. The night he smacked you it brought it all back, I couldn’t move to help you he was hurting you, and again I was that same four year old watching him hit Andy, and I could do nothing. Andy was battered and…” He was sobbing, but went no further with the Andy thing.

  “What does that make me I’m a screwed up freak who couldn’t protect the woman he loved and watched as you battled my demons for me, I’m messed up, and sodding useless. Don’t leave me baby please I’m sorry!” I held him tightly.

  “Shush angel I’m not leaving you, please stop with that I’m yours forever, always and forever!” He smiled.

  “Always and forever, that’s not long enough baby!”

  “When Andy and I had a talk, he mentioned the court order, I’m sorry I lied and I told your Dad he’d finished college, will he check? Jimmy only has a few exams so I guess he just needs to take them and not register in college? Why does he pick on James, your Mum says that’s why he needs the teddy?”

  “He had started on Jimmy to get us to pay up and the court order has kept us tied to the house, we wouldn’t leave them to his hands so stopped as a family, but we Andy and I have to pay him off, that’s what he wanted Jimmy for, so we would give him money. He’s been his meal ticket, like you said. Since I was about sixteen and Andy got his money he did all this on his own, then I got mine and I took over, he nearly killed himself, he was sad, down, so alone and lost, so when I went to Uni I helped out more, so he could get back to living again.

  Dad doesn’t know about the trust money. Aunty has our bank statements and stuff delivered to her house but he found my wallet after a session on the town and it had a fair bit of my wages still in it, unfortunately, it had some trust money in it too, and he demanded the same amount every week, or he would hurt Mum. I have more than enough for what he needed, but he wanted more and more, when I stood up to him and said no, Mum had a fall. Dad gave the teddy to Jimmy once, I know it shocked the fuck out of us all too, but when Jimmy holds it when Dad has an outburst, Jimmy hides his face in it and Dad backs off and I don’t know why, but he never sleeps without it, it’s his shield against Dad.” He sobbed uncontrollably. “You were right on that too, I love you so much, it hurts to see what all this is doing to you, you didn’t sign up for all this did you? I need you, and I’m so sorry Michelle, if you want to leave, I understand? This is a hard thing for you to deal with.” No, losing him would be harder, much too much for me to bear.

  “What more can I do to prove I love you? I’ve agreed to get married, because I want to. I’ve dealt with your dad, as I have, because he means nothing to me, he doesn’t have a hold over me, other than I love you and your family angel. So he can’t use anything, I say or do against me that’s why I flipped tonight. Today you three boys were I think for the first time, in a long time having a great time and at last were getting on and laughing joking, he ruined a great day and didn’t say anything to you, I could see the fear in your eyes all three of you were the same, and sorry but I’d had enough and flipped out as I did.

  All bullies have a hold over someone, your dad’s hold over you is your mum, and now me, I’m sorry for that. I saw the look he had in his eyes I know you’ve been beaten senseless, to protect her and he knows how to get what he wants, but that stops tonight, he can’t hurt her anymore or Jimmy. I won’t be leaving you ever and not unless you ask me to.” He cuddled me closer, his tears wetting my clothes as he calmed down slowly.

  “If and when you see him again you will have a strong voice and you won’t be afraid to use it, he can’t hurt you unless you let him and I won’t let you cower in a corner anymore, is that clear? You are better than he is, you have people who love you and will help you, me being one of them. You all need professional help all of you. Andy, I think more than you need, will you think about it angel? You all need to talk this through with a professional, and I mean proper talk, no holds barred talking and to a proper person who knows how to handle all your problems, not just me, Miss know it all. Someone who can delve to the depths you won’t tell me about, all of you. Now that said this next question I have to ask, is hard but I need to know to help you, has he abused you sexually at all?” Did I want to know now I’d asked, but he sighed and answered me?

  “He’d like to leather me with his belt on my backside, that’s the extent of that Michelle, I promise as far as I know. He did things to me before Andy hit him with the cricket bat but not in there, not like the things he did to Andy, I was hurt though, and I would remember that wouldn’t I? He has another hold over me now you, and he is gunning for you Michelle, please don’t go anywhere on your own at any time, promise me never be alone. He will get to you and I couldn’t bear it if he did anything to you.”

  Why did I not believe him about the abuse, I saw it in Dennis’s eyes, my inner helpers told me he was evil and to get them out. The true evil in those eyes flashed through them as he passed me, the thought of him doing anything like that made me sick. They all four of them had, had a shity life, I wasn’t about to be added to it any day soon. Their fear that ends today. I will look out for them now. I relish the battle and dad isn’t going to let me get hurt, he will be told what he’s done. Dennis is way out of control now and things I said will come to fruition, I want my new family to be safe too.

  We went down to eat, Sam looked better, but there was still something bothering him he really thought I was still in danger from his father. Our timing was perfect dinner had just arrived. We sat around the dining table with a multitude of cartons and containers, the smells were wonderful. Aunty had an Italian opera record playing in the back ground, as we sat down to eat with the air a little more relaxed, and more so as the wine and beers were drank. Jimmy and I stayed on coke we both had exams in the morning. Kim walked in as we ate and joined us too.

  “Oh you’re here good grab a plate and dig in there’s plenty for everyone. Teddy arrived home with the delivery boy and paid for it.” I smiled, at Andy. His wallet stayed in his bloody pocket again.

  “I said it was my treat as I should have been cooking for you Todd–Kings” Aunty smiled, patting the back of my hand.

  “We have take-out once a week, tonight can be that night and nonsense you aren’t paying for anything whilst your here my angel.” Sam had his arm around me eating at the same time.

  “Are you coming out with us tomorrow Teddy? We’re taking Jimmy out I’ll get you out of the house if it kills me.” Everyone laughed.

  “He won’t come out he loves his games and books too much.” Kim and Andy were taking the micky of her hermit brother and as he looked at them all, he smiled.

  “I would love to Michelle, and as no one has ever asked me to come out before, I haven’t. Thank you very much Michelle I am looking forward to it.” I smiled a smug smile.

  “Are you up for it Kim?” She laughed as she watched Sam looking at me, he was grinning like a fool, was he up to something?

  “I had plans, but yours seem better and getting Teddy Bear out of his room is always a winner, so count me in too.” I'm doing a happy dance in my head.

  “I have one request though, Aunty can you take Emma away for the weekend? Somewhere nice just to get away from the house, whilst we’re not here this weekend? The rest will do you both good and
Emma needs to get some space and clarity in her head. She has a few more bad days with Dennis to face and refreshed, she will be better equipped to face him.” She liked that Idea, she wasn’t looking forward to just her and Emma in the house on their own. He had barged past Emma pushing her to the floor again had I known that dad would have been told and really dealt with our problem.

  “We are going to London for the weekend, we’ll catch a show, and a trip down the river and some fancy teas and an opera or two how does that sound Emma?” She smiled.

  “Expensive.” Emma patted Allison's hand and then Andy piped up.

  “Like we’d let you pay for it, Sam can pay.” I smiled I couldn’t help what came out of my mouth next.

  “Why are the moths, guarding your wallet again Andrew, or have you lost the keys to the padlocks on your damn vault at the bank again?” He laughed. The family were laughing and joking again, and were about to laugh more. Sam grabbed at my fork, but he was too late, the large fork full of red curry thing was in my mouth, and boy was it hot…

  “Oh my help my mouths on fire what the hell oh shisssssssshk help me…” Tears were rolling down my face. “What in the holy saints name was that? What have you lot poisoned me with?” My tongue was on fire. I ran to the tap and stuck my mouth under it. Jimmy, had taken some ice cubes from the freezer, put them in a glass, and poured milk on them.

  “Drink this we should have warned you that’s the paint stripper curry. Aunty calls it the ‘Bengali Bum Basher,’ it’s a bit hot that one.” No shit, I went back in armed with tissues and my iced milk.

  “I can’t eat that it’s too hot for any sane person.” They were laughing again. Sam was smiling and laughing. Gramps always says ‘Laughter is the best medicine,’ it was definitely working here. I stuck to the Nan bread and rice and a Korma thing, it really was creamy, and nice and not hot.

  “What times your exam Jimmy? Mine’s at eleven, it’s the longest at three hours, art, do not go to classes just the exams, you haven’t many left have you?”

  “No half a dozen or so over the next two weeks then I have finished! Will I be alright?”

  “Yeah as long as you do the exams you should be fine, though he may check I highly doubt it, because he knew it was coming, the end of your education!”

  “Umm, he did and now we don’t have to stop with him, I feel better knowing we are all out of there and Mum is safe.”

  “Here, here I second that too, now eat up and Michelle and thank you!” Aunty was on the Port again. Jimmy and I discussed our exams for ages he said I would be fine what with being a swot and all. Cheeky sod got a smack for that. I helped Emma clear up.

  “Are you all right Emma? It’s been a bit of a bad couple of days and the break will do you the world of good. If your here alone you two, Sam is only going to panic, I would panic too.” She kissed my head, and gave me one of her nice ‘Mother Hugs’, she also gave me a little box and smiled.

  “This is for you, you’re my daughter in all ways but name and well this, I was given when I was eighteen, and I would like you to have it. I opened the box, in it a gold signet ring, which fit perfectly on my little finger. I cried as she hugged me.

  “I’m glad you like it, it was a present I received from my Mama, I promised to pass it on to my daughter when she was eighteen, and you are or soon will be my baby.” She sobbed as she hugged and kissed my head. “If you look, Kimberley has on her Mama’s. Oh, I'm sorry Michelle, all this trouble you're facing. I’m looking forward to getting away from the mess I caused.” Oh no, please not again.

  “Mother please stop blaming yourself, please will you stop please, and no one doubts your love for the boys. Like I told Sam, none of this is your fault, he had a hold on you, yours was your sons and as silly as that sounds, they were in more danger with him, so he must have threatened you into staying put, and staying there to be beaten, what did he threaten you with, something really bad to make you stay there and endure that, what did he say or use to keep you there, them did he use the boys?” She looked shocked.

  “How…? You knew…? He'd threatened to kill my boys, and he still does as they sleep he walks in nearly every night and parades along their beds, reminding me they would die and they will die. He is a troubled soul and evil runs through his body, it’s like a disease. He said they would die in their sleep if I took the boys away and left him. I could leave whenever I wanted, but the boys had to stop with him, if I told anyone my boys would be found dead with their throats cut. He held a knife to Andy’s neck on more than one night. My poor boy had to endure and hour of the pain, then he did the same to Sam.

  He’d terrorise them and me nightly. I wanted to run when he was away, but he said he had friends who knew how to find me, I ran once before and was happy for a short while, before I had Sam, very happy and where I should have liked to stay, but he found me and well…” She stopped mid-tale but looked sadder now, where did she run too and who with I saw genuine love in her eyes in that second, how did he find her, poor Emma.

  “If he couldn’t find me, he said would get Allison and her children, something I know he is more than capable of doing. I couldn’t talk Allison into giving him money she was adamant that he got nothing. I knew that, so now he takes and takes and takes from the boys and more each and every week. They pay week in week out and it’s never enough, good job he doesn’t know they are millionaires. He thinks they have a few thousand apiece and he thinks that Allison and Jane got all the money, we haven’t told him differently.” He’s a bloody what? I snapback Emma needs my help.

  “Michelle how did you know? Why can you see what he did, and nobody has ever guessed? Why I had to stop and see my babies be hurt, and how they were made to suffer for my mistake? It was better they were hit, than killed. If they were no longer in my life, it would be as good as over. They are my life and now we will live it properly, like a proper family, with you.” Shit no… I just thought he was threatening to take them away, no wonder they were so frightened of him. That sort of prolonged terror doesn’t fade overnight. I have to make her feel better about herself, she blames herself, and it’s not her fault.

  “No Mother does that to her children without good cause and well he alienated you from your family, you must have felt so alone. He thought I wouldn’t fight for you, perhaps he was too drunk to understand the threats I made last time, so he came and used Jimmy to get you to go back. He knew that and that’s the only thing he had to use today and he did, but you and Sam can go and see a solicitor in the morning and sort everything out, do the things that I have told him you’ve already done okay?

  The past is just that the past, your lives start over tonight. Your sons are all safe, all three. Andy and Sam are messed up, but I’ll get them better I promise. I will make him wish he was never born, for what you have just said. He will be sorry, so sorry.” I had her in tears as she hugged me again.

  “Happy tears Michelle, happy tears. You were found to save us my darling girl, my beautiful angel.” Andy joined us with the rest of the pots.

  “You got any issues Andy? This session’s free next one costs you loads.” He said he hadn’t, but I knew he was lying, but he had got good at hiding his pain, a pain too deep for me to handle or comprehend, and we eldest children always seem to suffer most and protect our younger siblings often taking the crap so they don’t. I changed the mood, Andy was troubled enough without me prying. The offer was there to talk, one day he may want to?

  “You’re coming too, aren’t you? I just presumed you and Zoë would be coming.” He smiled.

  “Has to be said didn’t think this dancing lark would do anything but it’s nice. I can see why you and Sam do it it’s so nice being close to someone like that. I am going to get my head down, work in the morning. Night you lot.” Sam had been listening again he’d walked his mum to bed. He went in to settle her down, and I presume they talked for a while. I think I’ll go into social work, sod the cooking… Stupid thing Michelle, as if you’d do that ever? I went
to say goodnight to the others, and went to the bedroom. Sam came in and joined me on the bed. He lay at my side and breathed a deep sigh of relief.

  “Baby girl when did you get so wise and knowing in all this stuff, which I’ve got you messed up in? Mum must have been living in her own personal hell for years. Michelle Welles, I love you so much. She would never have told anyone else nor would she ever have left him, not if you hadn’t asked her to. She thanks the day I brought you home. I wonder where we would be if you hadn’t come back with me?”

  “I don’t know that I am wise Sam. Gramps is a wonderful person to talk to, and he has idioms for everything, a whole plethora, of little quotes and sayings to help me through things. The legal stuff I learnt from Mum and Dad’s split, that was messy, and I remembered what Mum had done. I’m all right for those sorts of chats, but you’re going to need someone to help you all get through all this Sam its way above my head, way, way above Michelle chats. You should be able to face your demon that you call your father, you’ve just got to remember you’re bigger and stronger than him and believe it and that you can do it and remember I love you and I’m not leaving you. You shouldn’t need reassurances from me you should be able to trust me Sam?”

  “I wish I believed I could, can even. Your right about the reassurances though, I never want to feel like that again. You Michelle are far from a being a problem, and as for my trust? You have that. I do trust you Michelle, you’re the only person I truly trust, the only person I love or have ever loved. I thank God every day that you’re in my life, and I can’t wait to be in here tomorrow.”