A Life Plan Without You.

by Christine Wood

  “Fine, what can I do for you then?” They had come for a statement. I gave my written statement to them, they wrote it out and I signed. Mum listened and cried, as if that’s going to help. It’s not helped me an awful lot. Apart from give me stomach cramps, with the all the belly sobs.

  “We will be in contact shortly and can I say for the record you were very good in the crisis and very good under pressure. You stopped something far worse from happening yesterday, you were amazing, just what the police force needs! Give it some thought; your uncle would be pleased.” I shrugged my shoulders at the officer.

  “Funny that, because how come I feel like the one, who actually had the knife against Sam’s throat, not his dad. If you go up to the house or whichever hospital they are keeping my fiancé in, tell them please that Sam is four and he’s not speaking because he is in a mess, it’s because he doesn’t know them, he’s afraid, get them to show him photos, remind him through photos who he is and who they are, because he won’t know who they are, they are just strangers the four year old Sam doesn’t know them as they are, and they will have changed through the years?”

  I showed them out. He was going there to see Sam again he would pass on the message to the staff, and would tell them that I wanted to see someone. I went to make a drink Mum had listened to the whole tale, so didn’t question me any further. I took my drink to bed I needed sleep, she knocked on the wall and Aunty came in and she asked me did I need anything. I cried no, I just wanted Sam and turned and went to sleep.

  I half hoped he would come to see me, however, he never showed his face. Dad came and checked on me from time to time in the night, my sobs were keeping Becky up, so she was in JJ’s bed, he was next door. I wouldn’t talk to them. Dad said he would kill the fucker when he saw him again, and would do time, he was a dead man walking. Mum had told him everything I told the police including the threat of rape and the sex stuff that he wanted to do to me, Uncle was sending the stuff the telephone operative noted down and the recordings, bummer that will be good… Not! He freaked an awful lot that night, but was glad I was unharmed and untouched; Sam was the only one he had hurt. I wouldn’t talk about it and they left me to myself, to work through my heartbreak. They just didn’t know what to say or do. Dad went to see Aunty Allison the day after the police visit, and came back sad and angry, as I listened from the stairs.

  “According to his brother Andrew, Sam is a mess Sue, a real mess and he doesn’t know who anyone is, not even his poor mother.” Andrew said he wouldn’t see dad and didn’t want to see me anytime soon, because he didn’t know who anyone was. More tears because of bloody Andrew again I sleep and cry. I also have bad dreams and sickness, wonderful. I got up again went for the same jog, went to school. I did the next day’s exams and stayed on for hockey practice.

  For all intent and purposes my life continued. I was empty inside and angry with the Todd family and the world. I’m so upset and confused at what Sam had done, or more what he hadn’t done, come for me. Days of just carrying on and nothing, no Sam at dance no Sam at the steps nothing, they had even changed their phone number too, and I was buggered if I was going up to his house. I thought I saw Sam waiting by the fence a few times watching practices and well it wasn’t, yes I checked, it was just a man walking by school. They had forgotten me, I would forget them, or try at least to.

  “Right Michelle are you ready to practice then? It’s just you and me today. The others are in after school and college we will use Cathy the year five goalie for that practice.” I smiled.

  “Fire away Miss Wane give it your best shot.” She sent a barrage of balls my way, my anger was in full force mode and none of them were getting past, I managed to hit my teacher with a couple of the balls, they were flying of the field left right and Chelsea. I really enjoyed kicking the shit out of those balls. She was more than happy with my performance. I went in to take off the pads and grab my bag. I looked to the cricket steps they were empty and walked home. I saw the car outside my house he was back, happiness as I ran through the door.

  “Sam, Sam… Oh… Hello Aunty Allison.” Mum was in the front room when I got back, I had a visitor just Aunty had come to see me.

  “I will leave you two to talk.” I sat and waited for the barrage of abuse I got from Andy. She held me tightly and kissing my head.

  “How are you Michelle, I’ve come to see how you are? I want to know if you’re all right. Sam is talking, but has sunk into a deep depression. The doctors have him on strong medication. He, thanks to your idea of the photos, now knows who we are. He doesn’t talk at all and has shut down, the doctors say he is in a catatonic stress induced state; his head is a mess both physically and mentally? Emma has been able to hold him in the last couple of hours and she talks to him, she too is in such a mess Michelle, blaming herself.” I looked at her.

  “Over a week it’s taken you to come and see me. Why are you keeping him from me, keeping me from him is helping how exactly? Why is this all my fault? It was Sam’s idea to go home not mine.” She looked at me.

  “Michelle you look terrible your beautiful eyes, you haven’t been eating. Give him time he is so confused. He is still here my darling angel he is still here with us thanks to you. We have read your statements and from all police accounts, we owe you for saving Sam’s life and keeping so calm and level headed. We only got back this morning, Andrew didn’t want to worry his mother, we would have been here sooner Michelle, much sooner dear girl.” I smiled, he is alive and I need to see him, I want him here not his lovely Aunty, I want Sam. Tears fall and the aching started again.

  “And now I’m being punished, through no fault of mine? You’re screwed up, family have my heart and have squeezed the life out of it. I’m in a mess and it’s not my fault, I’ve been dumped by Sam and they’ve sent you for what exactly? To see how I’m coping, well I’m not, I’m in a thousand pieces, I want him to come and talk to me I want him to hold me, I just want him.

  None of you told me were Sam was, or how he was, none of you. It’s been over a week and nothing from any of you. Over a week since the police passed a message on. Not you lot, the police. I feel used and messed up right royally, can you leave please. I wasn’t important enough to be checked up upon, so leave. Please, please leave me, I have a life and intend living it, Sam or rather Andrew, who it seems, now speaks for Sam. He has chosen not to allow me in Sam’s life that was Andrew’s choice, not mine.

  When and if Sam wants to talk I’m here, but the longer he leaves it, the likelihood is he never truly loved me at all, but know this Aunty Allison, I love him, and he told me every day he loved me. Tell him not to leave it too long. Please, I can’t take much more I feel like dying, I miss him so much. I wish Dennis had killed now me really I do, I can’t take much more. I won’t take much more do you hear me? Not much more...”

  I ran upstairs and cried by myself, ten days in a row. I heard voices, not raised and then Aunty cried as she got in her car, slowly pulling away. Fucking Andrew, he’d lied and he hadn’t told Aunty? Yet he told dad Sam wasn’t speaking to anyone even his mother or his aunty, what was he playing at? He was alone for a whole week and my heart broke at the thought of just Andy being the only contact he’d had, how alone must he have been?

  I slept again, my dreams were more nightmare than dream and often I woke screaming as Dennis’s face was in them. Sam was running away from me as fast as he could, and then opening doors to find Andy blocking my way. My helpers were in my head telling me to give him time, sleep and be calm Michelle all will be well. I cried some more and slept some more.

  I woke, after my disturbed night’s sleep and went for my early morning jog, my ritual start to the day, at half past five every morning I could be seen running the track for two hours, the rain didn’t stop me, the wind didn’t stop me, nobody stopped me and they tried to help me but nothing they said helped, nothing they did helped, nothing could stop me thinking of Sam. I pounded the racetrack as if it was its fault, the anger coursing
throughout my whole body, finally done my head was aching as I stood still for a minute I threw up. I jogged back across the road and through the field.

  Sitting for a minute on our steps I did some stretches. I ran home after yet more tears were shed, my stomach growled and feeling like I could eat a horse I made myself breakfast. I hadn’t eaten properly since that day, only odd bits of toast, half eaten dinners left in my room, I’d a basket full of uneaten comfort foods, my appetite had long since become the least of my worries, but now I was really hungry. I made myself scrambled eggs and toast then sat and ate, that eaten I sulked of to bed, to wallow for a couple of hours, my next exam was after lunch.

  I went for my shower after I woke; those snatched four hours were the longest I’d slept so far, I got ready for my exam and packed my kit ready for the match later. I set off for my exams. I’m running on autopilot now, I turned up for lesson, I did my exams, I worked in the kitchens and carried on and I didn’t know how I did it, my subconscious did it all for me, I was there but not there and it was weird.

  There was nothing else left for me to lose, the plans we’d made were forgotten and my focus was on the here and now, I had to get the next couple of weeks out of the way and then regroup. I was will power and shit knows what else. Nobody can hurt me anymore I won’t let them. As I walked towards the ally that lead to college Jimmy was waiting for me. I walk past him, but as I did he pulled me into his arms, I cried and cried. He just held me tightly, he smelt like just like Sam as I clung to him smelling Sam on him. Then realisation set in that it was Jimmy and I pulled back.

  “Are you, all right Michelle? I just came to see if you were all right, Mum and Aunty are so upset at all this, we all are Michelle, he just won’t have you near him, we tell him you’re coming and he locks himself away crying, he cries himself to sleep and he won’t talk. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. I’ve been sat by Sam’s bed all week wishing he would ask for you. I don’t know what to do? Andy, well he’s weird and strange. He wouldn’t have the police contact Mum or Aunty, saying Mum was ill and needed to see Sam well, not like he was. I’m sorry Michelle, what can I do you look ill, really ill?” He held me tightly, as I drank in that smell of Sam on him.

  “The photos were a good idea now he seems to be coming around, but he’s so messed up. Andy, well he’s on some sort of mission to save Sam all on his own. We tell him to let you come and he says no, the doctors said seeing you would hurt him more, you had something to do with this according to Andy. What Michelle what did you do, what did Dennis do to you both that day?” I looked at him. He looked worried and from the redness of his eyes, he’d been crying too.

  “None of this is my fault and you and your wacky family can’t make it my fault. I gave Sam everything I could give him Jimmy, he had me, my dreams and everything Jimmy he had everything I could give him. Now he’s wrecked my life, wrecked it and left me here alone. His promises meant nothing when it came down to it, he would love me forever, umm obviously forever didn’t include what your fucking father did to me, the threats, the knife he flashed under my chin, he tried to make me strip for him, he cut my top off, he did things, he said things, he hurt Sam so I did everything he asked of me to save your brother!

  I took everything your father did to me that day to save Sam, because the awful things Dennis said he would do to him if I left were just too sickening to think about, I didn’t want Sam having to endure those things. I didn’t want him to hurt Sam. Sam promised he’d never leave me, he, he, he promised me he loved me Jimmy, why is he not here? I need to see him and for him to tell me we’re through, if there is no chance of him and I getting back together then I will leave, I won’t come back here. It’s too hard for me.”

  He held me tightly as I sobbed into his shoulder he knew I was hurting, as he cried too. To the people passing we were a couple hugging and crying, having a lovers tiff. I pulled away, I was going mental, Jimmy wasn’t Sam and wishing he was, is so wrong, he looked shocked as I suddenly let loose, my anger and autopilot taking control of me again.

  “Well, I’m not going to roll over and play dead, if he doesn’t want me, fine I’m going to have to live with that, but he still needs to stop sending you lot and do it himself, he’s had nearly two weeks. I think he owes me that much or you need to let me see him and let Sam tell me we are through and we are, I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to be this hapless bitch who does nothing but cry. What I want to do is die, that’s how he’s made me feel, I want to die and without him I’m as good as dead. So the sooner he tells me the sooner I know where I stand.”

  I’d pushed past Jimmy, telling him to tell Sam, to tell me it’s over and it will be. My autopilot is good. I storm to college; I didn’t turn back as Jimmy begged me to wait for him to get better, I needed to wait because Sam really loved me. I blocked his pleas out and ran to the gates and disappear into the crowds of students, mingling and getting on with my sad pathetic life. He had been in it for such a short time, why was he now the biggest part of it? Why did I want to die, why can’t I carry on? Why, I hate that fucking loaded question…

  Today is my last hockey match and a cup-tie. Sam was getting better fine, but still refuses to see me, that’s too is fine and his choice. I am running on fumes now, each day I shut down, speaking when I have to, sleeping and eating if I feel like it. Mum says another day and I’m going to the doctors, enough is enough. I was angry and mad now, good and mad. I did my final food service exam and climbed in the mini bus to Stockton Grammar School, our final was on their home turf. I was silent all the way there, the anger seething inside me. Tasha, Mandy and Sophia all tried to talk.

  Mandy had been told by mum what had happened and she knew everything, but kept it to herself. Now she too was watching me like a hawk because mum had told her I was suicidal, maybe I was? I did think it would be easier than all this pain I was going through. She’d split up from Paul and had sat on my bed and spilled everything, whilst sharing stories of our lost loves together. She said he wasn’t in love with her as much as she was with him, she knew my pain! No, you don’t we were supposed to be together getting married I had the rings to prove it and I had given myself to him completely, with that one sole purpose, that we would be together forever.

  I ignored them as Karen sat grinning! Did she know and did I really care? I padded up and went to play. We bullied off and wow my anger played a blinder, the shots coming at me were kicked right off the field time after time, a few of their supporters came to put me off, they moved damn sharpish when I threatened to ram my stick up their arses or kick the next ball at them. The reps from Stockton were here as I shouted orders to the team to move.

  Kicking one ball nearly to their goal, which led to a goal that had the whole crowd gawping at the sheer distance I’d kicked the ball, that and the power behind the kick. The reps were apparently were very impressed. I was told too that I was good enough to play for the county and even for my country, the head coach for the county was patting my back and telling me all this as Karen passed me, she listened in to their talks to me, I said the right things ant the right time, but really I was just paying lip service, my mind was elsewhere.

  I was given a card by the England goal keeping coach, who asked me my plans, I told him I was going into the Royal Navy. He was very impressed with my performance indeed and said I could play and be supported by the navy, as their sports programs were excellent.

  My life plan was kicking back into place. I didn’t know they were even here watching, Miss Wane was ecstatic, all her teams won. I watched as Becks too played a fantastic game. My little sister had been great through all this and had sneaked in a cuddle. All her teams were presented with our cups and we did the victory cheer, all this was no big deal. It would have been two weeks ago, or had I had my cheerleading squad here to help me celebrate.

  The other players got in the bus and left, I didn’t join them as Karen had made some shity comment about my fiancé not being bothered to turn up. I just looked
at her with that grin on that face, the face I wanted to pummel with my fist until nobody knew who she was, really I did, but the damn auto pilot stopped me. Her spiteful taunts about my missing fiancé were the last thing I needed and they hit a raw nerve, and I let my guard down in a moment of weakness.

  “What fiancé, would that be?” My first word in college for over a week, and it’s to her to tell her we have split up. Shit she was laughing as the bus pulled away, I was angry at myself and I walked down the road towards town. I passed The Frog in’t Mud on my way home and Paul was shouting at me.

  “Hey you what you doing out of your cooking classes?” I looked at him and shrugged my shoulders.

  “On my way home, after hockey, thanks for asking.” I carried on walking home he followed, offering to walk me home and carry my kit. I smiled and said I was fine, it was not necessary.

  “How’s things Michelle, I haven’t seen you, since splitting up from Mandy?” I laughed, as if I gave a crap. When did we become bosom buddies? Did he forget Mandy was my friend and neighbour?

  “I’m fine, nursing a broken heart, but fine thanks for asking again. I have to be home and please don’t ask me more questions I’m likely to kick the shit out of you and cry a lot.” He smiled.

  “Feel free to kick away.” I smiled and said goodbye. I got in from the match and went for a shower and ready to change into my dress for class tonight. I brushed my hair and put it up in a tight ponytail, I put on my flowered dress and the pink underwear from Sam, crying as I put it on.

  My rings made me sad looking down at them, all of two bloody days I’d had them before my life started to spiral out of control, I’d taken them off the day all this happened, crying as I did. I left them in the top-drawer, moving my promise ring to take their place. It hurts to look at them every single day, but this one gives me a strange comfort. I don’t know why, but it does, perhaps I believe in the commitment thing about them? I set off and walked across the field, the kids were playing on the steps as I climbed them and carried on up the hill.