Immortal Suffering

by Shana J Caldwell

  He has enough troubles; I can’t just dump this on him. No, I needed to go, be alone-

  The door opens inwards, Kal’s standing there shirtless in white slacks; his hair a messy bun on top of his head. He blinks in shock as he takes my appearance in.

  “Ali, are you—” I cut him off as I throw my arms around him, I cry into his neck as his arms wrap around me. I heave and sob and my entire body shakes with the sadness that won’t seem to budge. He holds me tight against him, rubbing a hand up and down my back.

  “Hey, shh. It’s going to be okay.” He whispers into my ear, I squeeze my arms tighter around his neck. I wanted so bad to believe he was telling the truth.

  “Come on, come to bed.” He wraps his arms tighter around my waist and picks me off the ground. I automatically wrap my legs around his waist as he carries me to his bed. He pulls the sheet back before gently placing me down, I reluctantly let go of him. He pulls the sheet up around me and turns and shuts the door, leaving us alone in darkness. My eyes are swollen and I’m still trembling and Gods be damned I did not want to be a mess the first time I’m in his bed.

  Somehow my eyes adjust to the darkness and I can vaguely make out his figure, he climbs into bed beside me; pulling the blankets up on both of us, before he pulls me towards him. I roll over and curl into his body, resting my head and arm on his chest. One arm rests on top of my own while the other is stroking a hand through my hair. Although his skin is cold to touch I hadn’t felt warmer in a long time.

  The tears had finally subdued, leaving me with a blossoming migraine behind my eyes. I sigh as I shut them and I nestle closer to Kal.

  “Are you okay?” He asks, his voice barely a whisper. I think over his question, I most certainly was not okay. But how could I explain that to him?

  “I don’t think so, everything is just...so much. I can’t escape it. Some days are so good and at the end of them I feel like I don’t deserve them.” I whisper back, the tears threaten to fill my eyes again so I squeeze them shut tight. He takes my hand in his and rubs his thumb over my own, the gesture calming me.

  “I know, I’m sorry I’ve had to put you through this.” His voice is raw in his throat, a hint of emotion I hadn’t heard from him before.

  “It’s not your fault, I make my own choices.” And how poor my choices have been.

  “Choices at the hand of my manipulation.”

  “You couldn’t stop it, I was quite literally born for this. I think it was going to happen either way.” If I could have gone back and changed my choices, would I have?

  “I know how hard it can be, having a large burden with no one to share it with. I was lucky to have Cass but when she was taken from me I had no one. I know that guilt, regret and shame come hand in hand.” His voice is quiet; we’d never really spoken about his past in detail or depth. I stay silent, hoping he continues. I remember her diary entries, she was there for him and loved him so strongly.

  “I still remember the first human I killed, turning me. I was twenty four at the time, our whole royal family had just been turned and I was the last in line. I was nervous, but above everything else I was terrified. I’d known what vampires had done to our city and the surrounding villages. I knew of the plague they carry with them.

  “She was only seventeen, and had offered herself to me. Had said it would be an honour.” He almost spits the last words out, as if it’s anything but an honour.

  “I couldn’t deny her, and my family wasn’t going to pass on the opportunity. I remember her fear, I was already half turned once she was brought to me. I was crazed and starved; they’d locked me away for more days than I could count. I had to drain her of every single drop of blood that she carried.

  “A lot of my human rationalisation was already lost, so once she stepped into my cell and the door locked behind her there wasn’t much time. All I could hear was the pounding of her pulse and I could taste the fear coming off her in waves.” He pauses, lost in the memory. My heart aches; he is trusting me enough to tell me this. He’d stopped stroking my hair and rubbing his thumb.

  “I was upon her like lightning, I latched onto her throat and I didn’t let go. In her final moments before she fell unconscious I think she regretted her decision. I wish it could have been different. It should have been different, I still could have ruled as a human, not some leech.

  “They found me the next morning still latched onto her throat, my hunger had barely been quenched and now a full vampire I needed blood more than anything.” His voice shakes as he swallows hard, I rub his hand gently trying to offer whatever comfort I could.

  “It’s a blur after that, it took me three months of constant feeding until I could think rationally again and control my thoughts. I was stronger than anyone else in my family line, they weren’t sure why but they were more than delighted. Cass was at my side every step of the way, she used to sit outside my cell and tell me stories to help guide me back to myself.” He takes a deep shuddering breath. I rub my thumb over his.

  “I still think about her and all the other deaths I’ve caused, I didn’t even know their names. I only remember their faces, and I think that’s the worst part.”

  “I’m so sorry Kal, I didn’t know,” I whisper, he’d been alone for it all. What a heavy burden to give to someone so young, it wasn’t fair.

  “You’re the only one that does. I only ever told Cass about that time in my life and the struggle I had to go through... those first three months were so dark. She’d been through it as well, which brought us closer. She was the sister I’d never had.”

  “I wish I could have met her, she sounds lovely.”

  “She would have really liked you.” I hear the smile in his words; I think I would have liked her as well.

  “So know, Ali, that I’m always here whenever you need me. I don’t care what time it is or what’s happening. I will always be a word away from being at your side; you don’t have to share the burden alone anymore.” I savour his words, feeling a small weight lift from my shoulders. Only to be replaced by the guilt of what tomorrow would bring.

  “Thank you. I’m here as well, you’re not alone either. I’m meant to be Queen, remember?” I tease, trying to lighten the mood. He begins to stroke my hair again.

  “I guess I could arrange something, there’s a line-up of girls that would love to be queen but if you want it...” I snort at him.

  “Sorry love but I don’t think you have a choice in this one. I don’t think you ever did.” I have the sudden urge to look at him, needing to see what those depthless eyes are holding. I go rigid as I fight the urge.

  “I’ve never been more delighted to finally not make the big decisions around here.” His voice is warm and god damn me to hell I need to see him. I sit up on my elbow and look down at him, my hair fans around both of our faces.

  The darkness of his eyes is endless, even with my vampire sight. I wish I could have seen them before he was turned, I bet they could hold the entire galaxy in them. He raises both eyebrows slightly as his eyes search my face, I feel my cheeks heat slightly.

  “Thank you Kal, for everything.” I whisper down to him.

  “Always.” His hand reaches up to my face, he strokes my cheek gently; I lean in to it, savouring his touch.

  “May I?” He asks, his voice breathless. His eyes flicker to my lips. Involuntarily my heart beat picks up pace as I lick my lips. I nod once and lower my face, his breath tickles my nose as I go closer.

  He draws my face down, pausing a hairs-breath away from my lips. Please, please just kiss me for the love of God. My insides are strung tight in anticipation. He shuts his eyes so I do the same, and then our lips connect.

  His lips are cool and wet against my own, smooth to the touch. I move my lips against his softly, hoping I am doing the right thing. It still feels clumsy to me. His tongue traces my bottom lip as he pulls back; I open my eyes to find us both breathless. I blink once and gather myself. I wish I didn’t wish for more.

 
“Let’s get some sleep now. If you have any nightmares I’m right here.” He reaches up and plants a firm kiss on my forehead, I lay back down and face away from him. He rolls to his side and folds himself around me, his arm reaching around me while his hand fits snuggly between my breasts. I sigh and move back against him, this was my safe place.

  “Goodnight, my King.” I whisper, sleep already beginning to invade my thoughts. I close my eyes and relax.

  “Goodnight my Queen.”

  I liked the ring it had to it.

  My Queen.

  *

  I wake to Kal’s still body entrapping mine, a twist of limbs. I am not completely sure which part belonged to who. I hold my breath as I wiggle away from him and pry myself from his grip. I had to go. If I didn’t go now I wouldn’t be going at all, not if he could do anything about it. I slip off the bed and look down at him, his face peaceful and still, his hair a knotty mess around him. My chest aches as I force myself to leave the room, this is what I wanted to wake up to every morning, but I wouldn’t allow myself the luxury of that dream. Not yet.

  I still didn’t believe I deserved that dream. I don’t know if I ever will.

  I slip into my room and change quickly into a pair of tights and a singlet; I pull my hair into a bun and pull my bag over my shoulders. I take a deep breath; it was time to save Yolanda.

  Nardia, are you there?

  I wait patiently for her reply.

  Yes I am, what on earth are you doing awake this early?

  I smile; her voice barely a whisper through my mind. I begin to make my way swiftly to the front of the castle.

  It’s time for me to leave. I never told Kal, can you please tell him once he’s awake? I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m sorry I’ve left it to you.

  I reach the door and pry it open, my eyes adjust to the darkness as I begin to run towards the forest. My ears pick up the slightest movement deep within the forest and nothing more.

  He’s not going to be happy, you know that right? He’ll tear the damn world apart looking for you if you don’t come back.

  I leap over a fallen tree.

  Yes I know, I will return. Once I have Yolanda out safely. I don’t know how long it will take but I’m hoping a few weeks at the latest. I’ll keep in contact if I can.

  I break the forest and keep my pace as I head down the busy street; the other vampires barely spare me a glance. Good, I didn’t need word getting back to Kal yet.

  I’ll give you two weeks, if you’re in any trouble send word and I’ll find you. Okay?

  I slow down as I take the steps two at a time, nearly free. I feel a small thrill at the thought of the wind brushing my face.

  I promise. Thank you Nardia, for everything.

  I don’t hear her reply as I step through the swarming darkness of the portal. Sunlight immediately burns my eyes. I squeeze them shut as I regain my thoughts. I take a deep breath of the fresh forest air and then open my eyes.

  The sun is sitting low in the sky, the forest trees casting long shadows around me. I begin to walk straight, once I reached the river I’d have to rely on my senses alone to find Xavier’s camp again. I can do this, I have to do this. There is no turning back now.

  Chapter 18

  Kalabhiti

  “I don’t think I’m hearing you correctly,” I say calmly. Allison wasn’t in my bed when I’d woken, but what Nardia is telling me has to be impossible.

  “I’m sorry, Kal. I wanted to tell you as soon as she told me. I couldn’t stop her, she’s a stubborn thing when she sets her mind to something. You should know that better than anyone,” Nardia explains, crossing her arms over her chest. She’d arrived as soon as I’d woken, barely giving me enough time to fully wake up.

  “So what, she’s gone?” I ask, masking my fear and worry. Why would she leave and not tell me? After everything we’ve shared, after how close we’ve become. She still doesn’t trust me.

  I turn away from Nardia and pace back and forth in the sitting room, she takes a seat on the couch and sighs.

  “She’s coming back, in two weeks. I said if it was any later I’d be coming and dragging her back. She wanted to tell you, she just knew you’d stop her,” she says softly, trying to soften the blow. It still stings.

  “Of course I’d try and stop her! Has she gone mad?” I throw my hands in the air, trying to wrap my head around this. What was I meant to do now? Sit around and wait?

  “No she isn’t mad, she’s trying to be a good human. I didn’t realise how much the whole thing fucked her up. I didn’t know it left such a dark mark on her. She thinks she has to redeem herself.” I look at her, how could Allison think that? She did her damn best and saved those vampires. How could she still feel guilty?

  “Who is she trying to redeem herself to?” I say the question out loud, I don’t stop pacing. If I stop I’m afraid my tether to rationality will snap and I’ll hunt her down. Two weeks. I could handle two weeks.

  “Herself. She has this stupid idea that she’s some sort of monster. Kal, what if she always thinks that?” Nardia looks up at me, I sigh and sit beside her; bringing my arm around her shoulder.

  “It isn’t your fault. This was always meant to happen. She’s strong, she’ll live with it. It won’t be what breaks her,” I say softly, trying to comfort her. I knew Nardia had enough to handle, without worrying about Ali.

  “I really hope not. I really like her, she’s so good and she doesn’t even see it. When would one of us ever try and help a complete stranger out? Just because we knew it would make one of us happy? Not one of us would. You, maybe. We used her to find out if she was really the descendant and it still hasn’t broken her.” She leans into me and rests her head against mine.

  “I hope she’s okay,” I whisper, allowing myself the small vulnerability.

  “You really do feel something for her, don’t you?” she asks. I struggle with the truth inside of me. Allison is my vulnerability; a King shouldn’t make his weakness known. But I trust Nardia.

  “Yes. I do,” I whisper, looking into the fire pit at the raging orange flames. It looked similar to the burning I felt inside of myself.

  “Don’t let this one get away.” I shake my head and sigh. So much complication for such a simple feeling. Before I have a chance to reply, the sitting room door opens and Cassidy’s cherry scent fills my senses.

  “She isn’t even gone for a few hours and you’re already shacking up with her best mate. Classic,” Cassidy drawls as she enters. I stand up and roll my eyes.

  “Cassidy it’s like you think I’m his type for some weird unknown reason. Do I look like Allison to you?” Nardia fires back, Cassidy snarls as she sits on the couch. Nardia grins smugly between us.

  “Now that the little blood bank is gone we can finally discuss real business. We have a human that’s been injected with the grobbler blood. Zuriel has volunteered to be the test monkey for the four days.” Nardia nods along.

  “Why only four days?” I ask, running a hand through my hair. Cassidy’s eyes roam over my chest as I do this.

  “Because if it’s poisonous to us, four days is short enough for it to not do any real damage. Plus we have no idea how to reverse it if it is poisonous and I don’t want us taking our chances.”

  “Good, this is good news. Has there been any word of those creatures?” I ask, my mind immediately goes to the fight against them with Allison. I don’t think she realises just how powerful she really is.

  “I’ve sent Zeke and Zuriel out to scout the deeper parts of the forest, hopefully they come up with something. But I just thought I’d stop by and catch you both up.” Cassidy looks over at her nails, Nardia sighs as she stands up.

  “Well I’m off; I’ll let you know if I hear anything Kal.” she nods goodbye and leaves. I sit down beside Cassidy and rest my head in my hands.

  “How long is she gone for?” she asks smoothly. I feel her eyes fixated on me.

  “Two weeks, doing a human mission vampires co
uldn’t interfere in.” I sit back and look over at her.

  “Finally, it’ll be back to how it was before she arrived.” She grins, thinking we would go back to how it was. I look over her face; she is beautiful I can’t deny that. But I find myself missing ruby eyes, silver and red hair and a heartbeat.

  “She’s not gone forever Cassidy, and if things go well she’ll be staying here with us for good. You have to accept that.” I don’t understand Cassidy’s dislike for her.

  “But why?” she whines, pouting her bright red lips. I shiver at the thought of the things those lips have done to me. I push those memories away before they can surface.

  “Because it’s just how it is. I don’t understand your dislike for her, I really don’t. She’s so sweet and innocent. How can you not like her?” I ask as I stand, I had to search the forest with the others today; we had to find something regarding the monsters.

  “It’s easy not to like her. She’s hiding something, I just know she is. She’s human and they’re all the same.” She raises an eyebrow at me, I roll my eyes.

  “Yes and if she believed all vampires were the same she’d think we’re all monsters. Is it because she’s human?” She looks away, her blonde ponytail swinging with the movement.

  “Look Kal, I still care about you and I always will. I’ll always be here to protect you, while I’m around your safe. I’m not taking my chances with her just because the idea of her infatuates you. So no, I don’t like her and I don’t have to. I was by your side from the start, I always have been.” She stands swiftly and straightens her shirt, exposing her cleavage.

  “Just be nice to her.” I sigh, jealous girl drama wasn’t something I’d considered I’d have to worry about and deal with.

  “Thanks but no thanks. I’ll see you out there, you’ll track us easy enough though I’m sure.” She smiles sweetly before she leaves. I rub my eyes and head towards my room, needing to change into my training leathers. I enter my room and take a deep breath, the whole room smells of Ali, a mellow coconut and honey scent. I want more than anything to go after, tell her I’ll help; anything to have her close enough to protect again. I can’t deny that she is a good fighter and nearly matches me, but the thought of her with those animals alone sends me into a fury.