Romaji Diary and Sad Toys
Page 16
That item on some old man deserting his home
Brought tears to my eyes...
64
This self
Incapable of acting with others:
My thought on waking
65
Somehow,
Feel more people than
I expected Think as I do...
66
Exhausted
Talking big half a day
To some younger guy!
67
Rare these tears today
In cursing the Diet—
But the joy I felt!
68
Trying to force the blooms in one night,
Warmed the potted plum on the brazier—
Failed after all
69
That accident with the teacup
And again this morning the thought—
O the joy of destruction!
70
Pulling the ear of the cat
And hearing its cry—
O the startled face, the happy face, of my child!
71
Scolding my weakness again and again
And miserable wondering about the why of this me,
I went out to borrow ...
72
That day she failed to come
Though I waited and waited
Was the day I put my desk here ...
73
An old newspaper!
Why, they're praising my poems—
Though only in two lines or three ...
74
At my feet the morning I moved—
A snapshot of a woman!
A snapshot I'd forgotten!
75
At that time so many misspellings
Slipped my notice
In these old love-letters!
76
That bundle of letters from my wife
Eight years ago—
Keep wondering where I put it!
77
Miserable insomniac!
The least bit sleepy
And I rush to bed—
78
Felt like laughing but couldn't—
That knife I searched for so long
Was in my hand ...
79
These last four years or five
Not once to look skyward—
Can a man change this much?
80
Convinced you can't put characters
On unlined paper—
O this innocence of my kid!
81
Somehow managed to get through these thirty days—
No other desire in me
This last night of the month
82
In those days I often lied,
And lied with ease—
O this sweat for that shame!
83
His old letters!
Was I so thick with that type
Just five years ago?
84
What was his given name?
Suzuki his last—
What's he doing now and where?
85
Reading his card about the birth—
And for some time
How my face brightened!
86
Just as I predicted!
Even he could produce a child-
Felt satisfied somehow and went to bed ...
87
"That poor fellow Ishikawa!"
Sometimes with such words
I indulge my sorrow
88
A push of the door and one step—
How endless to the eyes of a patient
This long corridor
89
O the feeling
On this hospital bed
As if a load had tumbled from my back!
90
"Then you do not wish to live?"—
How the doctor's words
Silenced this inner me!
91
Suddenly waking at midnight
And wanting to cry for no reason at all—
I pull this quilt over my head!
92
No reply from the next bed ...
I looked,
Found him in tears.
93
O this joy
In leaning out a window in my ward
And seeing a cop after so long a time!
94
One of the sorrows of a fine day—
Enjoying a smoke
Leaning out a window in my ward!
95
The bustle in some room late at night—
This breathless wondering
If a man has died
96
That nurse's hand taking my pulse—
Some days warm and gentle,
Some days cold and hard ...
97
Immediately asleep
My first night at the hospital—
O this feeling of something missed!
98
Somehow
Thought myself important—
O this childish me!
99
Hand on my swollen belly—
O this sorrow
Alone on a hospital bed ...
100
Waking,
Unable to move, my body in pain—
I'm almost in tears waiting for dawn
101
Dawn:
Drenched with night sweat
I feel, even half awake, the weight of this sorrow
102
With nightfall
A vague sorrow
Steals upon this hospital bed
103
Leaning against this hospital window,
I watch
The vigorous walk of other kinds of men
104
"Now I see through you completely!"
O those words of my mother
In that dream!
105
Recoiling
From a stethoscope-
As if some hidden thought were being pried loose
106
My secret wish:
May this illness worsen
And some nurse watch me through the night!
107
In this hospital
I regain my love of wife and child,
I regain my true self...
108
Resolved only this morning
"No more lies"—
O the one I told just now!
109
Somehow
Feeling as if I were a pack of lies,
I clamp these eyes shut!
110
All my past unreal, invented, made up—
Even that pretense
Gives no comfort to this mind!
111
"I'll be a soldier!"
It was long long ago
I troubled my parents with these words
112
O that rapture
Picturing myself on a horse,
A sword at my side!
113
As if he were my kid brother—
That's how much I cried for
Fujisawa, the M.P.
114
O this feeling
To commit some great crime
And look on unconcerned!
115
"Be good and stay in bed"—
My doctor's word for the day
As if to a kid!
116
Eyes glaring
Under an icebag,
I hated man this sleepless night!
117
These feverish eyes
Look mournfully
At this flurry of spring snow
118
—This,
Man's greatest sorrow,
And I shut my eyes ...
119
How slow the doctor's rounds!
Hand on this chest in pain,
I shut my eyes tight.
120
Nothing to fix this gaze on today
Except my doctor's face ...
121
How MAN weakens once he's ill!
A cluster of numberless thoughts
And the desire to cry ...
122
Resting these hands
Weary from holding a book in bed ..
O this tangle of thought
123
How come
More than once today
I wanted a gold watch?
124
Telling my wife
About the book I'd definitely publish someday,
About its cover and everything else!
125
Chest pains
On this day of spring sleet—
Doubled over choking from medicine, I close my eyes
126
Delightful
The color of salade!
Chopsticks in hand and yet—
127
O that feeling when I scolded our child!
Think of it not, dear wife,
Only as habit on days of high fever...
128
Awakened at midnight
And wondering if Fate rode me—
O the heaviness of this quilt!
129
Unbearable my thirst
And yet too weary this day
To reach for an apple
130
Suddenly awake—
The ice melted, the bag warm,
And in every muscle pain!
131
Just now in my dream, the cuckoo—
How sad
Not to have forgotten its song!
132
Five years since I left home
And now, sick in bed,
I hear that cuckoo in dreams!
133
O cuckoo!
This yearning for dawn
In the forest round my mountain home!
134
O the cuckoo
That sang on high
In the cypress by the temple of my home!
135
How sad
To feel it tremble on my pulse—
The hand of that young nurse given a doctor's rebuke!
136
This memory which crept in unawares—
That nurse called F
And her cold hand ...
137
That long hospital corridor!
How I wanted
Just once to walk to its very end!
138
That moment I left my bed
Only to feel compelled to lie down—
O the tulip I adored with these tired eyes!
139
These poor thin hands
Without power
To grasp and grasp hard!
140
Pondering my sickness,
So deep and so remote its ground, its cause—
I have to shut these eyes to think!
141
How sad to have a mind
Without desire to recover from disease—
O the why of this mind!
142
O for a new body—
The thought I had
Rubbing this operation scar...
143
Sick for so long—
O this vague delight
In forgetting to take my pill
144
That Russian name Borodin—
For no reason at all
Again and again on my mind today ...
145
O these men,
All too soon coming upon me to clasp my hand
And all too soon slipping away!
146
How sad they seem, my friend, my wife—
For even in sickness
This talk of revolution I cannot suppress!
147
Thought it somewhat alien to me,
The terrorist's sad heart—
But some days how close it feels!
148
So many times
Have I faced this plight!
Now, whatever comes I will let be...
149
On thirty yen a month
To live some rustic life of ease—
My thought of a moment
150
Again pains in my chest today ...
If die I must,
In my village let it be
151
Summer came on unawares—
How kind to a convalescent's eyes
The light from this rain!
152
Four months in bed!
How wistful to remember now
The taste of medicine that changed from time to time...
153
Four months of illness—
O this sadness in seeing my child
So much taller even in that time
154
Why this sadness each day
In seeing the healthy growth
Of my child?
155
Bidding my child come sit by my bed,
I stared straight into her face—
O how she scampered away!
156
Always
I thought the child a bother—
And now my kid is five ...
157
May you never resemble your father,
Nor your father's father!
Thus thinks your father, my child.
158
What saddens me
(For I was that way too)
My kid, scolded or spanked, never cries ...
159
Picking up words
Like "Workers!" "Revolution!"—
O my five-year-old!
160
Once in a while
Praising my kid
Singing at the top of her voice!
161
What prompted her—
Flinging aside that toy—
To gently come and sit by me?
162
So absorbed upstairs
Watching passers-by along the street,
My kid forgot the time for sweets!
163
Sad the way these eyes smart
From the smell of fresh ink—
And all too soon the garden into a world of green ...
164
My thought
As I gazed at a point on the mats—
Is that what you want to be told, dear wife?
165
Those dark glasses worn in late spring
During the year of that infection in my eye—
Were they lost? Were they broken?
166
How joyful after so long a time
To be scolded by my mother
For failing to take this pill!
167
Gazing up at the sky,
The sliding screens by my bed opened for me—
O this habit formed during long illness!
168
Like some meek domesticated beast—
Helpless
On this day of high fever
169
Urged on by something nameless,
I pick up my pen—
O this morning with fresh flowers in a vase!
170
On this day in which my wife behaves
Like a woman unleashed,
I gaze at these dahlias ...
171
Another day spent
Forever lying in bed, forever getting up—
O this feeling as if waiting for a windfall I know will never come!
172
This feeling
Of disgust for everything!—
Even my smoking's occasional!
173
That story of an affair
My friend claims he had in some town
Contains, alas, lies
174
Rare
&
nbsp; This sudden burst of laughter—
That fly wringing its hands!
175
Like the butt of a delicious cigarette,
Even the sorrow of a day with pains in my chest
Not wholly to be flung aside!
176
The pity I feel for this self
That a moment ago
Longed to create some terrible row
177
O this pleasure I feel
In ridiculously giving my five-year-old
The Russian name Sonia!
178
Placed in the midst
Of a discord impossible to dispel-
Sadly I spent another day in anger
179
If I keep a cat,
That too will sow some seed of strife—
O my miserable home!
180
Today too
Almost tempted to say,
"Let me live by myself in some boardinghouse room!"
181
Suddenly forgetting my illness one day,
I bellowed forth that imitation of a cow!—
My wife and child out...
182
How pathetic my poor father!
Again bored with today's paper
And playing with ants in the garden
183
Their only son
Grown up to this!
How sad my parents must be!
184
My mother who gave up tea
To pray for my recovery—
Why so angry again today?
185
Felt like playing with the neighborhood kids today,
But no one came when called—
Unfathomable, the mind of another!