The Heart Knows What the Heart Wants

by Lori L. Clark

  She struggled to her feet and willed her body to stop shaking. She turned on the shower and quickly finished undressing. She stood under the hot stream, hoping the hot water would take away the chill lodged inside her bones. She was weary, tired of fighting to live a normal life. How was she ever going to be free from her past?

  After she finished, she carried the clothes she'd laid out back to her room and wrapped herself in the comfort of her old fuzzy robe instead. Happiness, like the flame of a candle, had been extinguished. She was numb. She wanted to curl into a ball, sleep, and when she woke up, she wanted his call to have been a bad dream.

  When Shane arrived later, he was met by a dark and quiet house. Had Star's car not been parked out front, he might have thought no one was home. He stomped the snow from his boots and pulled them off. "Hello?" he called.

  When he received no response, he checked to see if Neona was maybe asleep. Not finding her, he jogged up the steps and down the hall toward Star's room. He tapped lightly on the door, "Star?"

  "Come in," she said softly.

  He eased the door open and peeked inside. She was huddled on the corner of her bed, her chin resting on her knees. He could see that she'd been crying. He crossed the room, and crawled across the comforter, drawing her shivering body into his strong arms. Seeing her like this, weak and defeated, made his chest ache. "What's the matter, Blue?" he whispered.

  "Derek called," she told him.

  Shane's eyes darkened. "You talked to him?"

  Star closed her eyes and sighed. "Yes."

  "What did he say?"

  "He told me my mom's sick," she said, her voice cracked with emotion.

  "Sick? Like how sick?"

  "I don't know. Sick enough that she's in the hospital and asking for me." Star shrugged.

  "You think he's telling you the truth? Is there anyone you can call to find out?" Shane asked. His thoughts bounced back and forth like a ping-pong ball on speed, and he didn't like the gut feeling he had that something wasn't on the level. "What about the hospital? Which hospital is she in?"

  Star's head dropped back, and she stared up at the ceiling. "I don't know. I didn't talk to him long enough to find out. I just wanted to get him off the phone."

  "Where's your phone?" Shane asked.

  "I think I left it in the bathroom, maybe?"

  He slid from the bed and went down the hall to check for her phone. He found it and carried it back to the room with him. He held it in Star's face. "Call her. Call your mom."

  Star's eyes widened and she shook her head. "I can't," she said hoarsely.

  It broke Shane's heart to watch her physically struggle to hold herself together. Her pain was his pain, and he hated that he couldn't make it go away. Her lower lip quivered, and tears slid freely down her cheeks. She wiped them away with the sleeve of her robe and fidgeted nervously. He pursed his lips and sat the phone on the bedside table. "Don't cry, Blue. We'll figure something out, okay?"

  She bobbed her head and forced a weak smile. "Okay."

  "I'll be right back," he told her suddenly. He took off out of the room and down the hall.

  Fifteen minutes later, he still wasn't back and she wondered what he was up to. When he finally returned, he was wearing his robe and had a large bowl of popcorn in his hands. "Where's the remote?" he asked her.

  She bit her lower lip, and her eyes smiled up at him. She loved that he was trying to make her feel better, and his spontaneity tickled her insides. She pointed to the nightstand and said, "In the top drawer."

  He sat down on the bed and grinned sideways at her before plumping his pillow and wedging it between the headboard and his back. He set the bowl of popcorn in his lap and turned on the TV.

  "Tonight, we're just going to hang out. I want you to promise me you won't think about Derek, or your mom, or anything else vaguely connected to either of them," he said. He lifted his arm, and she scooted under it. "In exchange, I'm not going to think about what I'd like to do to that fucker for upsetting my girl. Deal?"

  She tilted her head and kissed him on the cheek. "Deal."

  He made her feel warm and cozy inside, and she snuggled contentedly against him. They both knew that putting off any kind of a decision was temporary, and they'd have to figure out what to do sooner rather than later. For the night, she didn't want to think about her past, and he didn't want her to do anything to spoil their night together.

  Chapter Forty-One

  When Star opened her eyes, Shane was staring at her. He had his head propped on his hand and smiled at her. She was sleeping so peacefully. He would give anything to let her go on sleeping, without a care in the world. She blinked a few times to clear the sleep from her eyes and smiled up at him groggily. "How long have you been awake?"

  He obliged her with a sexy smirk. "Not long. You're cute while you sleep. Your little snores are hot."

  "I don't snore!" she said and swatted him.

  "Um yeah, you kind of do." He chuckled, ducking her swing. "Actually, they're more like cute little puffs of air."

  She pulled the pillow from beneath her head and flung it at him. "You are so wrong for that!"

  "Damn, you're feisty this morning." He snickered and wrapped his arms around her, pinning her against his chest. "Easy, Blue."

  She started giggling hard, nearly hyperventilating, as his hands roved precariously close to her ribs. "Don't. Tickle. Me," she gasped.

  "Well...I wasn't going to, until you told me not to," he said, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "Now that I know you're ticklish, I'm seriously considering it."

  She tried to protest as he rolled her onto her back and tentatively began to press his fingers playfully into her sides. "Stop! I'm going to pee myself!" she warned.

  The tickling soon gave way to foreplay, which paved the way for hot morning sex, her favorite.

  Later, as they lay entwined in one another's arms, Shane reached for her phone. "I've been thinking," he said as he flipped the device over and over in his hands. "Call your mom. That seems to be about the only way you're going to know for sure if Derek was telling you the truth."

  Star licked her suddenly too dry lips and avoided his eyes. Her heart clenched in her chest when she thought about her history with her mom."You don't understand Astrid Lambert. Derek would lie and she'd swear to it. She thinks I belong with him. No matter how awful things were between us," she said quietly. The more she remembered, the angrier she became.

  "If he used me as his personal punching bag...well, then I must have had it coming." She sat up and combed her fingers through her knotted curls. "Each and every single time I went to her covered with the evidence of what he'd done to me, she was sympathetic at first, but the conversation always went back to how I shouldn't push his buttons when he'd been drinking, or how I needed to be more careful not to set him off.

  "It makes me physically ill when I think about the stupid shit she used to say to me. All of the times she sided with that sonofabitch, as though being with him was so much better than being alone...at my age," Star bit the words off angrily.

  "I'm so sorry, Beautiful," Shane said. He pulled her against his side, and kissed her sweetly on her forehead. "What do you want to do?"

  "I'm not really sure what to do," she admitted. "I mean, in spite of everything, I can't hate her. Even if she does have all these antiquated ideas about how a woman needs to remain loyal to her man, no matter how much he sucks, out of some twisted sense of obligation."

  "Call her," Shane urged, handing her the phone. He swung his legs to the floor beside the bed and said, "I'm going to take a shower. Give you some privacy."

  Star bit her lower lip, worrying it between her teeth. She nodded up at him. "Okay."

  "It'll be okay, Blue." He winked. "I won't let it be any other way."

  She watched him walk away, bare-naked ass, and all, and shook her head at how incredibly lucky she'd been to meet him. The planets had definitely been in alignment that day. Leaving him to go back to West Memphi
s, no matter if it was only temporary, was going to be extremely difficult.

  As soon as she heard the water turn on down the hall, she dressed quickly and sucked in a hollow breath. She powered up her phone and noticed she had several missed calls and two voice messages -- one from Derek and the other from her mother.

  A dull ache throbbed low in her stomach, and she clasped her hand around her throat, resting her chin on her hand as she stared at the phone. She did not want to talk to either of them. Truth be told, if she never spoke to Derek or her mother again, it wouldn't hurt her feelings one bit.

  She listened to her mom's message and concluded that Astrid was either an academy award worthy liar or she was indeed sick. Star collapsed on the edge of her bed and listened to her mom's raspy voice as she explained how she has that nasty H1N1 flu that's been working its way across the country's midsection this winter. They had admitted her to the hospital yesterday, for observation. She went on to say that she would sure like to see Estelle for Christmas.

  "Saturn, Pluto, and Mars. Nothing like laying on the guilt trip," she mumbled.

  She dialed her mom's number, and when the phone went straight to voicemail she was mildly relieved. She ended the call without bothering to leave a message. She got up and hurriedly gathered some clothes into an overnight bag. It was about a six hour drive and if she left now, she'd be in West Memphis before dark.

  The shower turned off, and a few minutes later, she heard Shane's footsteps making their way back toward her room. He walked in wearing nothing but a towel slung low on his slender hips.

  His eyes flickered from the overnight bag on the floor at her feet, to the look of utter despair on her face. "You're going?" he asked incredulously.

  Star slowly nodded. "If I don't go, and something happens to her, I'll never forgive myself."

  "I have a meeting with my old coach tomorrow morning, to see about helping out with the team. Can you wait until after that, and we can go together?" he asked.

  "I'd rather just go and get this over with. If I don't leave right now, I'll talk myself out of it," she admitted. She searched his face. "It'll be okay. I'll go, check things out, and be back before you even realize I'm gone," she told him.

  He moved closer and brushed an errant strand of hair from the side of her face. "Not possible, Blue," he said, his voice thick with the love he felt for her. "I can't stand the idea of you not being close enough to reach out and touch. To pull you into my arms. To hold you when you sleep. Fuck me, this is such a bad idea. Let me come with you. I'll tell coach something's come up and meet with him when we get back."

  She stood and slowly shook her head. "Make no mistake, Derek is a dangerous man, and there is no doubt in my mind that he'll be watching and waiting for me to come back into town. If you were with me, he'd kill you, of that, I'm one hundred percent certain."

  He tugged at his hair out of frustration. "I don't like this. I don't like it at all. Your mind's made up? I can't stop you from going?"

  "It will be okay, the planets are in my favor." She winked, trying to lighten the mood. She withdrew from his warm embrace and placed her hands on his cheeks, cupping his face. "Until I met you, I merely existed in a world where I didn't want to be. Shane, you are my North Star, my guiding light. I don't want to be away from you any longer than I have to be. But this...is just necessary. Like closing the door, locking it, and throwing away the key to my past once and for all."

  He kissed her with so much emotion that her knees buckled beneath her. He gripped her around the waist and said, "Call me as soon as you get there. Watch your back. I mean it. Don't you go anywhere that fucker might be, or at least not where he can get you alone. If he so much as touches one hair on your head, I will fuck him up beyond recognition."

  "It'll be okay. I'll be okay." She kissed him again and smiled sadly. "Besides, you know I'm coming home. We have to finish our twenty-one questions."

  "Home?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her. "I like the way that sounds, Neptune Girl."

  "Me too, Saturn Boy." She grinned.

  The edges of the tattoo on her chest peeked from the top of her gauzy blouse. He clasped her hand in his and placed it over her the words. "The heart knows what the heart wants, Blue. Mine wants you."

  She gave him a chaste kiss and said, "Me too, you."

  Chapter Forty-Two

  It was almost ten o'clock when Star's taillights disappeared down the street. Shane shoved his hands into his pockets and trudged up the sidewalk. He hated that she was going to West Memphis without him, but he had to trust her not to take unnecessary chances.

  He didn't feel like going back to his cold, empty apartment alone, so hung out at the house and waited for Michael and Neona to return home. He wanted to talk to Michael to see if he could use his law enforcement contacts and check things out. He couldn't shake the gut feeling he had that something was wrong about the whole "sick mom" story.

  One of the problems with staying at Neona's was that there was nothing for him to do. All of his laundry that needed to be done, his guitar, his telescope, everything important was at his apartment. The other problem was that it allowed his active imagination to run wild and think of all the things that could go wrong. His biggest fear was that she was walking straight into a trap, and he had let her go alone.

  By the time Neona and Michael walked through the door carrying Chili Dog, Shane was nearly climbing the walls. "Where have you two been?" he said, his tone indicating his distress.

  Michael put Chili Dog down on the kitchen floor and gave Shane a funny look. "I didn't know you were keeping tabs."

  "Sorry, I'm just worried about Star," he sighed leaning against the counter, patiently waiting for them to take off their coats.

  Michael blew a hot breath into his cupped hands to warm his freezing fingers. "Why, what's going on with Star?" he asked, concern lined his forehead.

  Shane folded his arms in front of him. "Her mom's in the hospital. Allegedly."

  Neona frowned and said, "Oh, what a shame. I hope she's all right."

  "Yeah. If she's even sick," Shane said. "I'm not so convinced her ex was telling her the truth when he called. I wish I could have gone with her."

  Michael and Neona both snapped their attention in Shane's direction. "You mean to tell me she left already? And that you let her go all the way back to West Memphis alone?" Neona asked incredulously.

  "I didn't let do anything," Shane said. "It's not like she asked for my permission."

  "What time did she leave?" Michael asked.

  "Around ten. She's supposed to call me as soon as she gets there," Shane said. He walked over to the fridge and grabbed a soda.

  "What's her mom's name?" Michael asked.

  Astrid Lambert," Shane said.

  "Let's try not to assume the worst," Neona suggested. "No sense inviting trouble and worrying about stuff before it even happens. If it happens."

  Michael checked his watch and kissed Neona on the cheek. "I've got to get to the station," he told her. He put his hand on Shane's shoulder and said, "I'll see what I can find out. In the meantime, try and relax. I'm sure Star won't do anything foolish to put herself in danger. Think positive, son."

  "Easier said than done," Shane grumbled. "You'll call if you find out anything? I'm staying here tonight."

  "You know I will." Michael nodded.

  Shane rubbed the back of his neck and stalked out of the kitchen. He jogged upstairs, and instead of going into his room, he went to Star's. He collapsed onto his stomach and buried his face in her pillow, inhaling her warm vanilla scent.

  He rolled over, turned on the TV, and flipped through the channels a few times before he decided there wasn't anything interesting enough to get his mind off Star. He stared up at the ceiling and drummed his fingers on his chest. Even though he knew it was still too early for Star's call, that didn't stop him from staring at his phone. After a while, he swung his feet off the bed, got up, and went back downstairs.

  Neona smiled
up at him and laid her book aside. "You want to play Scrabble or something? It'll help to pass the time," she suggested.

  "I don't think I'd be able to concentrate on anything right now," he said. He poked the fire and sat down in the recliner. "I wish I could have talked her into waiting until tomorrow and gone with her."

  "Why couldn't you go today?"

  "I'm supposed to talk to Coach Barnhill in the morning about helping out with the team," he said.

  Neona's eyes crinkled at the corners. "That's some good news, Shane!"

  He nodded. "I hope it doesn't feel weird being back there."

  "I'm sure you'll be just fine," she said. She reached over and patted his knee. "You're not going to make me find someone to work your shift at the store are you?"

  "No, Aunt Neona, I'd never give up working for you. You know it's the highlight of my day," he said with a grin.

  "Is that sarcasm I detect?" she asked with a laugh. "All joking aside, if you need any time off, we'll work around it. I've got an ad in the paper for some more help anyway, with Ami going on maternity leave soon. That and I know Star kind of wants to do her own thing at Piper's store."

  Shane tugged his hair back into a ponytail and nodded. "That reminds me, speaking of Star. Do you still have that old laptop?"

  "No, I don't. Why, what did you have in mind?" she asked.

  "Star wants to sell her jewelry online and said something about getting a computer program to do astrology charts with. I just thought if you weren't using the laptop anymore, she could use it," Shane said.

  "I've got a better idea," Neona grinned, "let's buy her one for Christmas. What do you think about that?"

  "I think that's the best idea ever," he said. He got up and poked at the embers in the fireplace again before throwing on a couple more logs. "That's provided she comes back."