Hope Falls_If I Fall

by SJ McCoy

  He watched her eat a forkful of meatloaf and smile. “Oh my God! This is amazing!”

  He tested his chili and had the same reaction. He nodded vigorously. Great food, great company. He was well outside his comfort zone, and it felt like a great place to be.

  ~ ~ ~

  Jess smiled to herself as she watched Sully eat. Meticulous. That was the word that came to mind. He might have willingly come to sit on the sofa to eat, but it wasn’t his normal MO, she could tell. He seemed to be enjoying himself, and that was what mattered. He was a good guy; it was apparent in everything he did. She felt comfortable around him and had done since she’d first met him—outside the bathroom this afternoon.

  He looked up and caught her watching him. “What?” He smiled. “Do I have chili on my chin or something?”

  She shook her head. “No, but it’d bother you if you did, wouldn’t it?”

  He nodded. “It would. I’m trying to impress you here.”

  She laughed, happy that he was being open with her. She couldn’t stand guys who tried to impress her. They made her feel like they were more engaged with their strategy than with her. “And why would you want to do that?”

  He met her gaze. “Because I like you. You’re beautiful, but more than that, you’re…different. You’re a free spirit, and you don’t give a shit.”

  She had to laugh at that. “Which to me would describe someone I didn’t feel I had to impress at all.”

  He nodded, looking puzzled. “You’re right. I feel comfortable with you, precisely because I don’t feel the need to impress you, and I guess I’m not used to that. I guess I want you to like me, too, so I want to impress you so you will.”

  She smiled. “Relax. We both already know I like you. What neither of us know is what we can do with it.”

  He nodded. “We can start by going for a hike tomorrow like you suggested?”

  “We can. If you’re up for it. Tessa told me about this great hike up to the waterfalls. I want to take my camera.”

  Sully smiled. “Sounds like a plan to me.”

  “I’ll just go with—sounds like fun to me.”

  “It’s just a saying.”

  “I know, but it’s not one I ever use. Do you ever do anything that’s not planned? Just blow everything off and say screw it?”

  “No. There’s no room for that in my life.”

  Jess waited to see if he’d continue; from the look on his face, he had more to say.

  “Since I joined the Bureau it’s become my life. There is room for spontaneity; there has to be. You have to change plans on the fly, adapt your thinking and approach as new information becomes available, but it always starts with a plan. And the big picture is always mapped out. You have to know what your goals are; otherwise, how can you achieve them?” He stared into the fireplace, lost in thought. “But I’ve realized lately, if you live your life by the plan, you never know what you’re missing. You define your own narrow parameters, and sometimes the plan turns around and bites you in the ass when it changes and pulls the world out from under you.”

  Jess nodded. “I have to admit plans scare me for exactly those reasons. I don’t like to plan things because I know that I don’t know everything.”

  Sully gave her a puzzled look.

  “I mean, any plan I make can only be based on what I know to be possible when I make it. I’m the first one to admit that I don’t know much, so why limit myself and my life to only the possibilities I can imagine?” She smiled. “I mean, I would never have imagined that I’d meet a guy outside a bathroom at lunchtime and be having dinner with him tonight.”

  Sully laughed. “No, this one definitely wasn’t part of the plan.”

  She shrugged. “It sounds to me like you’re at a crossroads. You have to decide if you’re going to keep living the way you have been or if you’d rather break out and do something different.”

  He looked at her for a long moment. “How do you figure that?”

  He looked so serious; she thought she might have offended him. “I’m sorry; I’m just saying what comes to my mind. Take no notice of me.”

  “No. You’re absolutely right. I’m just curious how you figured it out so quickly when I’ve been building up to the realization for months now, and it took Patrick passing before I really got it.”

  “It’s easier to see things for someone else than it is for yourself.”

  Sully nodded. “It is.”

  She smiled, wanting to lift his mood again. “I mean, I bet you’ve already got me figured out, haven’t you?”

  He smiled at that. “I think so.”

  “Go on then. How would you describe me?” She’d started out just wanting to see him smile again, but now she was curious what his assessment of her might be.

  “You’ve reached a point in life where you’re comfortable with yourself. You’ve tried living up to what you believe to be normal and found it doesn’t suit you. My guess is that you’ve done that a couple of times and Tucson was just another attempt, though I believe it may have been your last. There’s a part of you that still wants a more settled life, but you’re scared of what it might cost you whether you get it wrong or even if you get it right. You’d rather stick with the life you have than gamble it away on the chance of finding something even better.”

  It was her turn to stare at him. He was right; she probably wouldn’t have been able to express it so succinctly. “In a nutshell, yeah.”

  He smiled. “And I’d go so far as to guess that you do still have family somewhere, and they do care about you. They wonder where their Jessica is and when she might come home.”

  She held up a hand to stop him. “No! You were doing well, but you just went way off track.”

  His smile faded. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

  She shook her head. “It’s fine. You didn’t do anything wrong, but I’ve heard it before. Apparently I’m so well adjusted that some people mistake me for a poor little rich girl, just going through a rebellious stage before she heads home to a tearful reunion with Mommy and Daddy. That’s not the case.” Even though part of her wished it was.

  Sully didn’t say anything. He just waited, long enough to make her feel she owed him an explanation. She sighed. “For starters, I’m not Jessica. I’m Jessanie.” She waited. Usually, people exclaimed about how unusual or pretty her name was. Sully didn’t comment, so she continued.

  “My parents couldn’t even agree about what to call me. My father wanted Jessica; my mother wanted Stephanie. Neither of them would give in, so they came up with a stupid compromise, just to spite each other.” She shrugged. “I have no idea where they are these days. I was put into foster care when they split. Neither of them wanted me around. The way I live my life now is just an extension of how it’s always been. You don’t stay anywhere too long. You don’t get too used to a place because you’ll have to leave. You certainly don’t come to depend on people, because they’ll only disappear on you.” She gave him a weak smile, wondering why on earth she’d felt the need to tell him all of that.

  He held her gaze. “I’m sorry.”

  “Oh, don’t feel sorry for me. I’m much better off than a lot of people, I…”

  “I don’t feel sorry for you. I admire you. I meant, I’m sorry I jumped to the wrong conclusion.”

  She nodded. “That’s okay.” She gave a little laugh, wanting to lighten the mood again.

  She was relieved that he seemed to understand. “So, tell me what magazines you’ve freelanced for. Am I likely to have seen any of your work?”

  That was easier. She could talk about her work for hours, and it seemed she did. The next time she checked the clock on the wall it was gone midnight. How had that happened? They’d sat and talked about her photography, about his work, about Hope Falls and each of their reasons for being here. She felt as though she’d known him for years. He was such easy company, but she needed to get going.

  He smiled, seeming to read her thoughts. “Can I wal
k you to your motorhome?”

  “Yes, please. I’d like that.”

  “Are you just going to sleep in it out there on the side of the road?”

  She laughed. “No. I have a site booked; it won’t take me long to get over there.”

  He nodded and walked toward the door. He stopped when he reached it and turned to smile down at her. She wasn’t exactly short at five feet six, but she still had to lift her chin to look up into his eyes. His dark gray eyes which seemed so full of questions. She’d spent the whole evening trying to ignore her physical attraction, but now they were in such close proximity, standing in the little hallway so close to each other, she couldn’t ignore it any longer. Her whole body heated up, every nerve ending tingled with anticipation. Her fingers itched to reach out and touch his broad muscular chest.

  As the moment drew on, she had a feeling he wasn’t going to do anything. He stood there, smiling at her, but that was it. It was as if he were frozen to the spot. She’d just have to take matters into her own hands then. She stepped toward him and, reaching up to put her hands on his shoulders, pecked him on the lips. His arms closed around her, holding her against him and that feeling she’d had earlier of coming home washed through her again. She clung to him, feeling as though she might melt into him as his mouth came down on hers. Damn, could the man kiss! She gave herself up to him as he explored her mouth with his tongue. She let his strong arms hold her up as she sagged against him and she kissed him back, wishing they’d spent the whole evening doing this instead of talking. His mouth was perfectly eloquent without words.

  When he finally lifted his head, he looked as dazed as she felt. She smiled, and he smiled back, the corners of his mouth lifting in a way that Jess found incredibly sexy.

  “I’d better go,” she breathed.

  He nodded. “You better had.” As he opened the door and followed her outside Jess wished he hadn’t agreed with her. She might be relieved that he had, but a part of her could have easily been persuaded to stay.

  As they walked the short distance to her camper in the chilly night air, Sully took her hand. “What about tomorrow?”

  “I’ll come get you at seven.”

  “Great.”

  She fished her keys from her purse then looked up at him. “Thanks, Sully. I enjoyed this.”

  He slid his arms around her waist and pulled her closer. “Not as much as I did.” He planted a chaste kiss on her lips and let her go. “Go on. I’ll be worrying about where you are and if you’re okay.”

  Jess felt her heart clench in her chest at his words. “Goodnight, Sully. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  He nodded and watched her climb into the cab and drive away.

  Chapter Six

  Sully lay awake staring at the ceiling. He reached out to turn off the alarm. He hadn’t needed to worry about oversleeping. He’d hardly slept at all. He’d tossed and turned, his mind full of images of Jess. What did he think he was playing at? He’d only met the woman yesterday. He’d known her for twelve hours before he’d kissed her. Okay, to be fair, she’d kissed him first, but hers had been a tentative peck on the lips. It could almost be claimed as a friendly kiss goodnight. He blew out his lips. Yeah, right. It had been a whole lot more than friendly; it had been a question and an invitation all in one. She was attracted to him, she’d had a great evening, she’d like to be more than friends. Her one quick peck had told him all those things and had asked if he felt the same. His answer had been swift and adamant. He’d pulled her to him, loving the feel of her slender body pressed against his own. Yes! he’d told her as he swept his tongue inside her mouth. Yes, he was attracted to her. Yes, he’d had a great evening; it’d been the best evening he could remember. And, oh, hell yes, he would definitely like to be more than friends—and not just physically more than friends. He wanted to know her; he wanted her to know him. He wanted to explore this connection that they were both feeling. And then he’d let her go.

  He’d had to walk her out to her motorhome and watch her drive away, because what he’d wanted more than anything was to take her to bed with him and never let her walk away again. She made him feel alive. She made him question everything. As he’d tossed and turned into the small hours, he’d even questioned whether love at first sight really did exist. He would never have believed it until yesterday. Lust at first sight, maybe. But love? Nope. No way. He’d admit to being a cynic about love at all, but there was no way you could instantly know a person and connect with them on any meaningful level. Or so he’d thought. He sat up slowly and put his feet on the floor; it was symbolic in his mind. He needed to get his feet planted firmly back on the ground. He was being ridiculous. Maybe he was overstressed; well, there was no maybe about that one. And maybe his grief for Patrick was affecting him more profoundly than he’d realized. Perhaps at some subconscious level, he was trying to please his old friend and mentor by doing what he’d been telling him to. He was opening himself up to the possibility of love and a life outside of his work. He was creating a fantasy around a woman because some part of him believed that was what Patrick would have wanted for him.

  He made his way to the shower. He needed to get a grip. He’d go hiking with Jess today, then maybe he should head on home. He could always go back to work. Manny had told him he didn’t want to see him till his leave was over, but he’d cave. Sully was sure if he turned up in the office, he’d soon be sucked into whatever was going on. Manny would forget that he wasn’t supposed to be there. And he would forget about the beautiful, ditzy Jess. Maybe.

  Fifteen minutes later he was showered and ready. He’d made a pot of coffee and took a cup of the dark steaming brew out onto the little balcony that overlooked Main Street. Even at this hour in the morning, there was activity down there. People were arriving to open up their businesses. He had to wonder what that kind of life might be like. He couldn’t imagine. Even if he could follow Patrick’s advice and leave the Bureau, make a life for himself that was about people he loved, he didn’t think he could be happy. He needed to serve. He had a special skill set; yes, some of it was God-given, but much of it was learned, trained into him. How could he walk away and live a selfish life? How could he not contribute to his country? Patrick had told him often enough; there were hundreds, if not thousands of private outfits now. Contractors who handled many aspects of the intelligence community’s needs. Sully could use his skills, still contribute, still make a living, and still have a life.

  The sight of Jess’s motorhome trundling down the street brought a smile to his face. His heart rate quickened, and he knew it wasn’t just the caffeine kicking in. He downed the rest of his coffee and headed for the door. Whatever his future might hold, today was about spending time with Jess. He didn’t need to think beyond that right now. He smiled to himself as he bounded down the stairs. See, he was already thinking more like she did.

  He strode down the street and was at her door by the time she opened it. She smiled at the sight of him.

  “Good morning!”

  “Good morning yourself.” He couldn’t help it. The sight of her bright smile, and let’s be honest, the sight of her gorgeous face and lithe body made him reach out his hands to cup her face. He planted a kiss on her lips and then stepped back.

  Pink patches appeared on her cheeks as she smiled up at him. “Wow! It’s good to see you, too!”

  He laughed. “Sorry, I couldn’t help it.”

  “I’m glad, keep it up.”

  He didn’t need telling twice, he slid his arms around her waist and pulled her against him, just as he’d been remembering doing all night. Her body felt just as good against his as he remembered. Her arms came up around his neck.

  “Shall we take this inside?”

  He looked back up at the room above the café. He’d like nothing more than to start the day that way, but this was all moving a little too fast. He didn’t want just a quick hook up.

  She laughed and patted his cheek, making him turn to look back at her. “
I meant inside my place so we can get going.” She pointed at her motorhome, and he hung his head in mock shame.

  “Oh, err, yeah. I knew that.”

  She laughed. “You did not. And I’m not going to claim I didn’t like your idea, but we’ve got a long day ahead of us if we’re going to make it up to the falls and down before nightfall.”

  He let go of her, but held onto one hand and brought it to his lips. “Okay then. Let’s get going.”

  Her gaze flew up to meet his as he kissed the inside of her wrist.

  He smiled, knowing the effect it was having on her. He was surprised at himself; this wasn’t like him, but she was bringing out a side to him that he liked—and from the desire evident in her eyes, she liked it too. Her next words surprised him even more.

  “Be careful. A girl could fall for a guy when he does that.”

  He held her hand a little tighter. Her tone was joking, but her eyes held a mixture of shock and truth. It wasn’t just him, then? He wasn’t sure he could make any words come out, and he knew if he did they wouldn’t be the right ones, so he simply kissed her wrist again and raised an eyebrow as he let her hand fall.

  She continued to stare at him for a moment before turning away to open up the motorhome. “We should get going.”

  ~ ~ ~

  Jess drove in silence, following the directions Tessa had given her to find the trailhead. Her mind was racing. She couldn’t believe what she’d said. Nor could she believe his reaction. A girl could fall for a guy…? Too damned right she could! And she was afraid she was doing. Except for the fact that she couldn’t be. Twenty-four hours ago she hadn’t even known that James Sullivan existed, so how could there be even a remote possibility that she was falling in love with the man? That was just too silly for words. Her churning stomach and thundering heart begged to differ with her, but really!

  She shot a glance over at where he sat in the passenger seat. He seemed to be lost in thoughts of his own. Perhaps he was wondering how to politely extricate himself from this. How could he have taken her words seriously? How could she? She decided she could put it down to sleep deprivation. She’d hardly slept all night. She’d been too busy remembering the way he’d felt when he kissed her, the way he’d made her feel.