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Losing Control

Page 15

by Sybil Smith


  "How long was I out?"

  She takes a deep breath and her fist clutches at my hospital gown. "Eight days."

  Holy shit. Eight fucking days? No wonder she looks like she's been crying and sleeping in a hospital chair for years. She basically had been.

  "I'm so sorry, Harper. I never meant to put you through that."

  She nods her head against me and pulls closer as her body starts to tremble all over again. I hate when I'm the reason she cries. Didn’t I just say I wasn’t going to do this anymore? Worst girlfriend of the year award right here.

  " I thought I lost you. I did lose you. I tried so hard to save you and you died. Twice. You died twice right in front of me. I was just so scared. I thought…I'm just so glad you're okay," she takes a deep, shaky breath, "I love you so much, Roma. I thought you were really, truly gone."

  Well, not only have I completely broken her heart, I'm sure I've traumatized her forever. Fucking great. You don't just get over the person you love dying in front of you twice. I don't know what to do. I want to say that this will all be okay and we'll get over this. But how can I say that when I still haven't gotten over what happened to me five years ago? So I don't say that. I say the only thing that I hope will give her some comfort. The only thing I completely believe.

  "I told you, you'll never lose me. I love you and I'll always come back to you. You're the reason I fought so hard."

  Chapter 25

  Harper—who is back to looking like her usual, perfect self regardless of how little sleep she's gotten—sits on the edge of my hospital bed with an armful of my slouchy clothes. She smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes. Probably due to how exhausted she is, though, so I'm not too concerned. "They're discharging you today."

  "Good. I'm ready to go home."

  Harper quickly glances away and back so quickly that I'm sure she didn't even know she did it, but I do. And she normally only does that when she has something she really doesn't want to tell me. Fucking great. "You don't think I should be released yet, do you?"

  She shakes her head. "No. It's not that at all. It would be of no benefit for you to stay here any longer. The bullet went directly through muscle and missed all vital organs, so you are well on your way to recovery. The only reason you encountered so many complications was due to the blood loss caused by the time it took for me to locate—"

  "—Harper. Just tell me what you're trying not to tell me."

  Her face scrunches up and she starts twirling the ring around her finger. She really doesn't want to tell me. I don't see what could really be so fucking bad, I get to go home. I reach over and pull her hand into my lap, ignoring the sting in my side. "You know you can tell me anything, Harper. Whatever it is can't be," I pause as realization sets in, "Shit. My mother is staying with me, isn't she? Why in the world—"

  "Roma," she halfway yells out to pull me from my crazy ass rant, "Your mother isn't staying with you, you're—"

  She gets cut off by the door swinging open and my loony as fuck doctor walking in. "It's nice to see you awake, Roma," he says as he skims over my chart. "Looks like you'll be going home today. Make sure to know your limits and at least try to do what Lieutenant Rose says. I'm very glad you'll be in good hands."

  I look from him over to Harper and narrow my eyes. "Mom isn't coming home with me…because I'm going home with you?"

  Damnit. I don't need someone babying me 24 hours a day, even if it is Harper. I don't want to feel like the frail, helpless person I was all those years ago when I had to rely on everyone because I couldn't use my damn hands. This is my fucking side. I'm more than capable of taking care of myself.

  I look back over to my doctor and shake my head. "I don't need a babysitter. I'll be fine by myself."

  He starts laughing and raises his eyebrow. "Can you walk without some form of assistance, Roma? If so, then yes, you'd be fine by yourself."

  "Yes, I can." I let out a puff of air as I drop my legs off the side of the bed. I go to stand up quickly, but the pain is like a damn burning dagger. Damnit. I lower myself to the bed without so much of a wince on my face. No need to let them in on how bad this hurts. "I just choose not to."

  "Ah, of course," he says before turning back to my chart.

  I lie back against the pillow and focus on the floor as he talks with Harper about caring for this gaping hole in my side, as if she didn't know how already. She's a fucking genius. Well, at least I think so.

  It's not until he leaves that I look back up at her. She's fiddling with her fingers and looking anywhere but me. Damnit. She looks like I just slapped her in the face and told her she's worthless. I'm the biggest fuckup on the damn planet. It's not that I don't want her to help me, it's that I don't want her to see me as being incapable. But, I guess I'd rather her see me like that than have her feel like she's pissed me off because she hasn't. It's time to swallow my pride because I really do need her and there's no sense in trying to hide it.

  "Hey," I reach over and squeeze her thigh, "will you help me get dressed so we can get outta here?"

  She hesitantly looks up before breaking out her 'just for you, Roma' smile that I fucking love so much. One that really lights up her eyes. I might even let her push me out of here in that damn wheelchair without a fight if she keeps looking at me like that. She leans over and gives me a kiss before pulling back just enough that I can feel her damp breath against my lips. "Absolutely."

  …

  It's been one week. One week of sleeping next to her, getting my hair washed in the sink by her, having her help me with fucking sponge baths, and not being able to touch her for much more than a stiff hug or halfass cuddle or whatever the hell she wants to call it. One week of fucking hell. It's literally driving me insane.

  She comes out of the bathroom in nothing but a short as hell towel while I lay on her bed. I swear she does this on purpose just to work me up when there's nothing I can do about it. She walks over to her dresser and bends down to get a shirt out of the bottom drawer and her towel rides up to where I can just barely see the lower half of her ass cheeks. No fucking way am I letting her get by with this again tonight.

  "Harper, you need to come over here."

  She turns around with her head tilted to the side in the cute as hell way and walks to the side of the bed. She's clutching a shirt in her hands, wadded up beyond belief. She's busted and she knows it. "Is everything okay?"

  I laugh and reach over to the bottom edge of her towel. "No," I pull it and it falls down to the floor at her feet, "you're overdressed."

  She drops the shirt and puts her hands on her hips. Her eyes have turned that dark green color they get when she's turned on and she's shifting from foot to foot. "Roma, your stitches don't come out until next week. You know we shouldn't—"

  "—yeah, yeah. I'll bust a stitch, I know. You've told me every day since I've been here."

  I pull her wrist until she's leaning close enough to kiss me. Once our lips touch, all of her self-control leaves and she pushes her tongue in my mouth. She tastes just like her overly-priced tooth paste—that I just might secretly use when I'm here—and that taste that is just so much better than anyone else I've ever encountered. Her hands come down on the bed on either side of my face and I bring mine up and start rubbing her tits. She pushes them harder into my hands as I suck her bottom lip into my mouth. She goes to bring her leg over and straddle me, but instantly pulls away and stands up.

  Her chest is heaving up and down and her whole body is flushed. "Roma…we have to stop. I don't want to hurt you because we couldn't contain ourselves."

  I don't even care about how turned on I am right now, I just want to feel her. I want to make her feel good. We haven't done anything worth counting other than a peck on the lips here and there since I've been out of the hospital and I don't want to fall into that routine with her. I want her to know that I'll always want her. I want her to know that she's worth the little bit of pain this might bring me. That I'll do anything for her no matter the
cost. And she needs this from me. I'm not sure she really understands that I'm really going to be okay; she's been walking on eggshells around me all week, afraid to break me. This will at least give her a little semblance of normality and let her know I'm really going to be okay and things will get better.

  I reach over and squeeze her thigh and then give a little bob of my head. "Get up here. We can do it this way."

  She cocks her head and her eyebrows scrunch up. "I'm not sure I'm following…"

  I roll my eyes as I smile. I tend to forget she never makes assumptions. "My face, Harper. Sit on my face."

  She takes a sharp intake of breath. I can tell she's trying to fight between what she thinks she should do and what she wants to do. "But, Roma…what if you asphyxiate? You may be in too much pain to push me off and then I—"

  "—You weight all of 3 pounds, Harper. I'm not going to asphyxiate. And besides, this isn't my first rodeo. I'll let you know if you need to move, but I doubt that'll happen. So get up here or I'm taking away my offer."

  Well, that gets her. She instantly crawls to where she's straddling my face and gripping the headboard with her hands. She's dripping wet already and it's been three weeks, so I know she won't last long. Which is probably good since my side is actually starting to hurt, but I'm going to push through this for her. She needs to know we really are going to be okay and so do I.

  She's too far away from my face—still having her doubts about suffocating me, I guess—so I wrap my arms around her thighs and pull her down to where she's right over my mouth. I slowly swipe my tongue across the length of her and she reaches down and grabs my hair with one hand, forcing me back up against her—no longer worried about killing me. I push my tongue harder against her as I flick at her clit. Her hand pulls me closer to her and I feel a wet trail across my face as her hips rolling against me. It's sloppy. Feral. Savage, even. It's like I'm fucking devouring her, trying to pull every last drop out of her. But that's how she likes it and so do I.

  She's panting and moaning out every time I flick across her clit. She's so close and I can't wait to push her over the edge.

  "Roma…so good…love you…this…just…gah, so…good," she pants out as she starts pushing her body down harder against me as she pulls my head up even tighter against her.

  Her thighs are tensing against my hands and I can feel the sweat forming on her from how hard she's working herself. She's ready to come and I know just what will do it. I pull her clit in my mouth and suck against it as hard as I can. She fucking loves it and it never fails. She cries out as her body tenses and stills for that split second before she comes. Her fingers clench and unclench against my scalp as she slowly works herself against me until she's completely done and crawls down to situate herself on top of my good side.

  I wipe off my face with the back of my hand before turning and kissing her on the forehead. Her eyes barely flutter as I pull back. For the first time in three weeks, I think she's finally going to sleep without waking up and wondering if I'm okay. Because I am and she finally got to really feel that. Finally got to remember what we were like before all of this and remind herself that we do still have a future together because I'm not leaving any time soon.

  I wrap my arm around her shoulder and pull her closer as my other hand brushes a few wet strands away from her face. "Thank you for taking care of me, Harp. I know I haven't told you enough, but I do appreciate it. I'm glad you wanted to help me," I let out a shaky breath and press another kiss to her forehead, "I love you."

  "Love you," she mumbles out in her sleep. She won't remember what I said tomorrow, so I'll make sure to tell her again. It's a big deal, me being glad she helped me. Not deciding to let her help me because I needed her to…but being glad she is. It's the first time I've ever let someone take care of me and didn't resent them for it. She's shown me that no one can stand alone and do everything themselves. That's something worth thanking her for.

  Chapter 26

  "How does it feel?"

  I absentmindedly scratch at the wound on my side. "Better. They were starting to itch."

  Harper laughs and turns her attention back to the road. "I can tell you why they had begun to itch, if you'd like? It's really a simp—"

  "—Uh, I think I'm good without knowing this time." I love hearing Harper's random google outbursts when she's genuinely interested in something. But not when she's nervous—they go on and on and on for fucking ever. And that's exactly what this would've been even though I don't know why she's fidgeting like crazy over there.

  We sit in silence for a few minutes as she starts making her way further from the hospital until I finally get the courage to ask her something. "Hey, uh…will you drop me off at my apartment for a little bit?"

  Her breath hitches and her knuckles turn white around the steering wheel. "Of course. Do you want me to stay and wait for you?"

  Neither of us has been to my apartment since everything went down a month ago. Mom was even the one that gathered up all my shit and took it to Harper's. But my car is there and I really need to go somewhere. I just can't tell her that because I'm really not supposed to drive with all these painkillers I'm on. She'd fucking kill me. "No. I have some stuff I need to do and it'll probably take a little while. I'll call you when I'm ready to leave though, okay?"

  "Oh," her face starts to look more and more disappointed, "Okay. That sounds fine."

  "Harper…"

  Her eyes stay glued to the road and her left leg starts shaking up and down against the floorboard. I don't know what the hell has gotten into her, but I'd really like to know. "Harper, if this is about dropping me—"

  "—No. No, that's fine," she finally glances over to me as we pull up outside my apartment, "I was just hoping we could…have lunch."

  My eyes narrow at her. She's not lying, but there's something else she wanted us to do, too. And it wouldn't have been anything sexual or she would've just blurted it out. This can't be good.

  It really has to wait though, because what I need to do can't wait much longer. I've got to go before it gets too late. "Well…we can have a late lunch in a little bit. I won't be too long, okay?"

  She blows out a puff of air and forces a smile. "Okay, we can do that."

  She leans over and gives me a quick kiss before I get out and go stand in the stairwell. I wait until her car is out of sight before I jog—well, walk. My side does still sting when I move too fast—and get in my car.

  …..

  I'm nervously pacing outside the office door, trying to calm my nerves. Why the hell am I even fucking doing this? No, I know why. Harper's why. I look at the time and my heart starts beating faster. His lunch break is almost over, I have to go in before it's too late. Time to man the fuck up.

  I knock as I slowly push the door open. Harper's father looks up from his desk and my heart is fucking slamming against my ribcage, I fucking swear. "I'd like to talk to you for a minute, Mr. Rose," I say as I hesitantly make my way to the chair across from him.

  He points to the placard on his desk. "Doctor Rose."

  He works at a fucking college, how the hell was I supposed to know he went by doctor? Dick. "Ah, right. Sorry."

  He leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. His face is expressionless. It creeps me the hell out. I sit back for a second waiting for him to ask why I'm here or offer me a drink or something, but it never comes. I rub my hands together as they start sweating. I'm fidgeting like fucking crazy. I gotta fucking get this over with.

  "Well, Doctor Rose…I just came by to tell you that I'd like to ask Harper to marry me." His eyebrow quirks just like Harper's does when I've done something wrong. Time to backtrack. "Not-Not today or anything. But sometime….Sometime soon, maybe. I know we haven't been together very long, but after everything that's happened with…."

  I trail off as I realize I probably shouldn't bring up killing the one person they wanted Harper to marry. Shit, why in the hell did I come by and do this to myself. I grip the arms of
the chairs as I prepare for his outburst. I'm not afraid of him or anything, I'd just rather not go apeshit on my (hopefully) soon to be father-in-law.

  But he doesn't do anything but slip his glasses back on and look at me. "Well?"

  I briefly look around to see if he's actually talking to me. That's not the response I was expecting. "Uhm…yes?"

  "If your sole purpose was to come by and tell me your intentions, it seems like we are done here," he says as he looks back down at the folder on his desk, "Goodbye, Miss Raine."

  "Detective," I all but growl out as I stand to walk to the door. I really don't fucking understand how he could be so passive—care so fucking little—about someone as amazing as his daughter. I'd kill for her to be happy. Hell, I already have. But the only thing her parents can think of is making themselves happy. That is so fucked up. So fucked up.

  I open the door and turn back around to face him. "You may not like me or the relationship I have with Harper, but she's your daughter. Any good parent would want their child to be happy, regardless of the cost."

  He still hasn't looked up from that goddamn folder. Son of a bitch. "She would be right by your side if you asked her to be because she is such a good person. But you can't even fucking tell her you're sorry. That's bullshit and you know it."

  "Goodbye, Detective," he says without looking up.

  What a fucking douchebag. I don't even know how Harper turned out as good as she did with parent's this fucking heartless. And there's not a damn thing I can do or say to change them. I shake my head and walk out to my car. I have a lunch to get to, no since in wasting any more of my time here.

  …..

  "Hey," I whisper into Harper's ear as I wrap my arms around her waist from behind. She instantly tenses and throws an elbow right to where I got shot. Luckily, I dodge it but not without having to brace myself against the counter from the pain of moving so quickly. "Jesus, Harper. You should watch what you're doing with those things."

 

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