Losing Control

by Sybil Smith

  She instantly turns around from the refrigerator and gasps as she raises my shirt to make sure I'm not bleeding to death or something. "Or perhaps you shouldn't sneak up on me like that." She drops my shirt back down and looks up at me. "I thought you were going to call me? You know you shouldn't drive while you're on those painkillers, Roma."

  Yeah, okay. Not my best move. After watching me literally die, I shouldn't make her worry about me crashing because I'm a dumbass. "I know. I'm sorry. I was just ready to be back here with you."

  That brings a smile to her face. "Really?"

  "Yeah," I reach and pull her in for a kiss, "Really."

  She leans back and I look at her face. She's so fucking beautiful I can hardly stand it. Her smile does a little drop and she starts playing with the hem of my shirt, nervously. Something is up with her, I can tell. She catches me watching her and pulls back her hands. "Roma, there's," she looks down at the ground, the sink, anything but me, "There's something I'd like to talk to you about."

  I lean back against the counter behind me. Those words rarely ever mean anything good. I probably just made an ass of myself in front of her father. I can't believe I just told him I was going to ask her to marry me when she's about to dump me. I feel like such a fucking idiot right now. Goddamnit. "Okay, what do you want to talk about?"

  "I just," she takes a deep breath to steel herself, "I just wanted to know if you'd like to move in with me. You've been here for the past two weeks, anyway, so it's almost as if—"

  My laughter cuts off her breathless rambling and she looks up confused. I reach over and pull her against me as tight as I can. "I'm sorry for laughing. I just…I really thought you were about to break up with me."

  Her head instantly jerks up. "What? Why would you think that?"

  "Well, I have been a little bit of a whiney bitch lately," I say with a smile. I can't even deny that it's kind of true and neither can she.

  "I probably shouldn't respond to that." She does this breathy laugh that I love so much. It's like she's fucking singing it. I don't even know how she does it.

  I lean in and kiss her a little less than innocently. Her tongue slips in and runs across the roof of my mouth. I bite at her lip and then suck it into my mouth. She starts to moan, but pulls back. "So? Will you move in with me?"

  I do want to live with her, wake up beside her, cook for her. But I don't want to move in here with her. I feel like I'd think I was moving into her home, not our home. But it's not like I can really tell her that and expect her not to want to go house hunting together or something. And I really don't want to do that until after we get engaged—assuming she says yes. Shit. But she's looking at me with her 'please, Roma, I really want this' puppy dog eyes and I can't tell her that we should wait. I can't deny her and she knows it. Maybe I'll let her know how I feel and we can buy a house together after I grow some balls and ask her to marry me.

  I press my forehead's together and brush my lips across hers. "Yeah, Harp. You're stuck with me, remember?"

  She smiles against my lips. "I wouldn't want to be stuck with anyone else."

  Chapter 27

  "Finally. I never thought we'd get done unpacking my stuff," I say as I fall back down on her bed. Our bed. Shit. I'm never going to get the hang of this. I really can't wait till we have a place that I really can call ours.

  She crawls up and straddles my hips, mindful not to get anywhere near where I got shot. Even though I act like it doesn't hurt, it still does every now and then and she knows it. She pulls my shirt up enough to where she can rest her palms against my bare stomach. "Yes, it did take a while with all of your protests," she says with a smirk.

  My eyes get wide and I pretend to be offended. "I did not! How rude."

  She just laughs and runs her fingernails over my stomach. I break out in goosebumps every damn time she does it. "What do you think we should do now that we're done?"

  I must admit she's looking sexy as hell in my sweats and tshirt, but there's something I want to try first. Something I want to give her to know just how much I trust and care about her. To let her know how much I've invested in our relationship. "I have an idea," I say as I sit up and pull her to the bathroom.

  …..

  I'm standing in front of the mirror behind the sink, naked from my shirt down. I feel Harper behind me. I can tell she's trying not to touch my back because she thinks it'd just be too much for me to handle right now. And honestly, it probably would be. I open my eyes and catch her gaze in the mirror.

  "We don't have to do this if you don't want to, Roma."

  I know I don't have to do this. Hell, I'm not even sure if I really want to. But I do know that I really want to try this for her. She's stuck with me through all of my fucked up shit, the least I can do is do this one thing for her. Especially now that we're honest to god living together. I never thought I'd see the day. Just goes to show you how special she is.

  She stays behind me, but reaches her arm down in front of me so I can see everything she's doing if I want to look. I've done really well about letting my control issues go, but it's getting the best of me. I just feel so fucking vulnerable.

  I place my hand on top of hers and guide her hand between my legs. As soon as her hand comes in contact with me, I tense up. I take a deep breath and will myself to keep going. It's just Harper, I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I slowly start working our hands back and forth against me. She lets me set the pace because she's too good for me and knows exactly what I need. And for this to work, I'm gonna need a little semblance of control.

  After a while of guiding her hand back and forth, I know we're gonna have to do it soon before I chicken out. I let go of her hand but she doesn't stop rubbing me. I can feel the unspoken words in the air before they come out.

  "Do you trust me?"

  And I nod because I do trust her. She stills her hand and I know she wants me to look at her. So I open my eyes and glance at her in the mirror. And all I see is love. Concern. Support. It's written all over her face so I don't even know why I'm scared.

  "We can stop anytime, Roma. All you have to do is say the word. You know that, don't you?"

  All I can do is nod my head.

  "I'll listen to you when you say stop. I want to do this for you, not to you. Okay?"

  Dear, God. This woman knows my fucked-up self better than I do sometimes. I take a deep breath.

  "Okay."

  I feel one of her fingers at my entrance, circling, waiting for me to give the go ahead. I look her right in the eye in the mirror.

  "Do it."

  I drop my head down and close my eyes as I feel her finger slowly go inside me. My body immediately tenses and I clutch the edge of the sink like it's my best friend in the entire world. Her finger stays still and her other hand rubs my arm, letting me know it's just her and this is out of love and she's not going to hurt me.

  "It's just me, Roma. We can stop at any time."

  I don't open my eyes as I say, "Keep going."

  She slowly works her finger in and out. The first few times feel fucking awful since I haven't let anyone touch me like this since him. Slowly I feel my body start to relax as she keeps moving in that slow-as-hell pace. I want her to go faster, but I can't say it out loud since He made me beg to go faster so many times. So I reach down and grab her wrist and make her to go a little quicker. Just having that tiny bit of control lets me finally relax all the way into this.

  After a few of those faster strokes, my legs shaking and I know I'm gonna come soon. And I'm fucking scared. He poked and prodded me with things most couldn't even imagine, so there's no fucking way this should be feeling as good as it is right now. An overwhelming wave of disgust and guilt hits me like a shit-ton of bricks and I start crying like a fucking baby. Of course.

  "Stop!" I manage to croak out.

  And just like she promised, she does stop. As soon as I say it. I'm still clinging onto the lip of the sink like it's my damn lifeline. Harper comes to m
y side and pries my hands free. She pulls me to her and I bury my face into her neck like I never wanna see the sun again. I'm full out sobbing now all because of that fucking bastard who fucked me up beyond compare. But it doesn't matter. Harper didn't run. She has pulled me down to the ground and into her lap. She's holding me almost as tight as I'm holding on to her. I feel so bad about not even being able to do this one damn thing for her when she's done so much for me. I feel so unbelievably guilty.

  "Roma, it's okay. You tried. And that means so much to me. So, don't feel guilty or ashamed. I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere because you tried. Just like you said you would."

  I swear she's a fucking mind reader sometimes. But she's right, I did try. I never would've tried for anyone else. That says a lot. If I wasn't in love with her before, this fucking proves it.

  I nod my head against her shoulder and try to get my body to stop shaking. "I love…you," I manage to get out through a few broken sobs.

  She presses her lips to my temple and runs a hand through my hair. "I love you too, Roma. We'll get through this. We'll get through it together."

  I pray to God that she's right. I have to make it through this. How can I honestly expect her to marry me when I can't even give all of myself to her?

  She starts rocking us back and forth and singing a song only she knows. When I think of her, I can't help but put her on a pedestal and make her out to be absolutely perfect.

  But oh my god. She's terribly off tune. Really, truly awful. A dying cat could sing better than she can. I know I shouldn't, but I can't even help but start laughing.

  I'm afraid I hurt her feelings when she stops singing, but she just starts laughing with me. Now the only reason it's harder to breathe is because we're laughing so much.

  Seeing her with her head tilted back just a little, shoulders shaking, tears forming at her eyes from laughing so hard—I know she's right. We will get through this. Maybe not today, but someday. We always do.

  Chapter 28

  Harper's down on her hands and knees, fingers gripping at the hardwood floor. Granted, she's looking for something under the bed…but, I'll take it. It's still a pretty good visual. She finally lets out an exasperated huff and stands up. "Are you sure you haven't seen my ring, Roma?"

  "Yes, I'm sure. The last time I saw it was when you had it on yesterday."

  Lies. It's in my pocket.

  She narrows her eyes and scans my face, doing that facial recognition shit she's so good at. Too bad she doesn't know how well I've gotten at lying in the past couple of years. My face gives away nothing—just like I planned— so she stomps off to the bathroom and starts looking around her 294 hair products on the counter.

  "Harper, we're gonna be late for work. Let's go."

  She pokes her head out of the bathroom and puts on her best pouting face. "But my ring," she gives the slightest tap of her heel against the floor as she drags out my name, "I wear it everyday. I can't leave here without it."

  It's all I can do not to laugh and roll my eyes at her outburst. She's so sassy sometimes and I can't help but love it. "Maybe left it at work. So…let's go to work and find it."

  I make big sweeping motions towards the stairs as she finally comes out of the bathroom. She grabs her bag and pushes my arms back down to my sides as brushes past me. "Doing that accomplishes nothing, Roma."

  "Oh, really," I say as I start smacking at her butt on our way down the stairs. I can't even resist myself sometimes. "Looks like it worked to me."

  She throws me a smile over her shoulder as we walk out the door. I won this round and she knows it. I could get used to this.

  ….

  Once Harper goes off to her office across the hallway, I slink off to my car after getting Smidt to cover me for a little bit. As I pull up to this fancy ass little jeweler on Newbury Street, my hands finally start to sweat and I start to panic. Am I ready for this? Hell, are we ready for this?

  I take a deep breath and run my hands over my face. Even if we aren't ready now, I'm pretty sure we will be ready one day. So there's no harm in buying it now and waiting for the right time, right? Shit. When the hell did I become so indecisive?

  I walk up to the counter and start looking at the rings. This is hard. She's going to wear this for the rest of her life, I can't get something shitty. And she's Harper fucking Rose. Her parents own a mansion and her outfits cost more than my rent used to. Maybe I should just give her a ring made out of a twist tie and hope for the best. I don't see anything I buy living up to what I know she deserves.

  A young girl who’s dressed to the nines walks up to me and smirks as she looks me up and down. I know exactly what she's thinking. She watches as I shake my head at a ring that costs over 80 grand. No fucking way. Harper's perfect and all, but that's just overkill.

  "You do know," she says as she points out the door, "there's a smaller shop across the street that carries rings in a different range.”

  “Why do I need to go over there?”

  Took the wind right out of her snarky, judgmental joke. She nervously starts busying herself with adjusting the cuffs on her blazer. "Um, what's," she clears her throat, "What's your price range, Officer?"

  I clench my jaw a few times and narrow my eyes. "Detective," I snarl out. I'm not even going to pretend to be nice to her now. I scan the glass casings once more and tap my finger on the top of it. "I was thinking around eleven."

  She scoffs. "Eleven hundred dollars? We certainly don't carry—"

  "Eleven thousand, sweetheart." Clearly stunned, her mouth drops ever so slightly. I know it's not much when it comes to the fancy ass people who come in here every day, but it's a hell of a lot for a detective and she knows it. But, what can I say? You can save up a shit ton of money when you only buy food and booze for five years.

  I scan the glass and finally find one that looks just like something she would wear. "That one," I say as I tap on the glass, trying extra hard to leave finger prints.

  "Ah," she bends down and picks it up, "This is our 18 karat white gold 3 stone vintage ring. Good choice.”

  “That’s why I picked it.”

  She narrows her eyes at me, clearly flustered. What can I say? I have a knack for that. "Do you know what size she wears?"

  "No idea," I say as I pull her ring from my pocket, "This is hers though, so you can figure it out."

  She drops it on these fake plush finger stick things until one fits and hands it back to me. "Okay, we should be able to have this ready in no more than two weeks. Do you want anything inscribed in it?"

  I smirk and nod. "Actually, yeah. I do."

  ….

  "Hey, Harper, I found your ring," I say as I walk into her office. Since everyone knows about us by now, it’s not weird for me to drop by whenever I choose.

  She looks up from her desk, eyes wide. "I've looked everywhere for that! Where did you find it?"

  I just shrug my shoulders, trying to play it off as it's no big deal. "I went out to the car earlier and found it on the floorboard.”

  She narrows her eyes and slips it on her finger. "I looked for it in the car twice this morning, Roma."

  I lean over and kiss her pouty lips. "And that's why I'm the real detective and you're not."

  “Oh please,” she counters. “We both know lieutenant is higher than detective any day.”

  Got me there.

  She pulls a cloth over the body and leads me to her office where we sit on her hard as a rock couch. She starts fidgeting with her dress and twisting her ring around her finger. At least I'll know when she's nervous now. "Harper, out with it. "

  "I told your mother we would come over for dinner tonight since we had to miss Thanksgiving with your family while you were recovering," she says in one breath with eyes as big as saucers.

  Dammit.

  "Ugh,” I groan. “Why would you do that?"

  My arms are flailing all over the place so she at least knows I'm not really mad. Then I'd just be all bitchy and silent.
I don't think I'll ever be like that towards her, though. She smiles and lays her head over on my lap. I'm surprised she doesn't care about wrinkles or some shit like she normally does.

  "I enjoy spending time with your family, Roma. It's oddly refreshing."

  I run my fingers through her hair and she hums and closes her eyed. I'm really glad she likes me doing this because I don't think I'll ever get over how hers feels like silk and mine is like a matted horse mane. I feel kind of bad keeping her from my family after that whole camping ordeal now that her parents no longer speak to her. If she wants to be part of my weird-ass family, that's her prerogative.

  After a few more minutes of running my hands through her curls, she opens her eyes and sits up. "Roma?"

  Oh God I hope this isn't a lecture about how I shouldn't transfer the oils on my hands to her hair at work. One of those discussions was enough. "Yeah?"

  She tilts her head to the side in that cute as hell way that I love. "How many sexual partners have you had?"

  I forget how fucking blunt she can be sometimes. I almost choke on my spit and my face instantly feels hot from the blush creeping up my neck. This certainly isn't a conversation I was ever going to bring up. I don't think I can handle knowing how many people have touched her. I nervously scratch at my temple and take a deep breath. This is going to be tons of fun. "Um, plenty I guess."

  What else am I supposed to say? I have no idea how many. There was a ton of girls I went through in the five years after him before I met Harper.

  "How many is 'plenty'?"

  I shrug my shoulders and throw my hands up. "I don't know, Harper. I didn't keep count or anything. I'm not that crazy."

  Her shoulders fall and she immediately looks away. Dammit, she's kept count. I grasp her chin and lift her face to look at me. "You know I didn't mean it like that, Harper. You're not crazy. Just…very well organized."

  "That's one way of putting it," she laughs. But then her face goes all serious again. "Will you at least make an estimate for me?"

  I roll my eyes. She's not going to let this go. "Harper, why does this even matter?"