The Quigleys at Large

by Simon Mason

street car line.

  The line broke

  The monkey got a choke

  And they all went to heaven in a

  little row boat.

  They practised it eight times with great energy and skill, laughing and clapping.

  ‘Well, I suppose you're up now,’ Dad said to Mum. He was lying down on the sofa, looking tired. ‘I must say, you're pretty good at this skipping thing.’

  ‘Mum's good at the old words,’ Lucy said. ‘But she doesn't know the new words that Pokehead and I will have to know. I mean, when you were skipping, Mum, it was a long time ago.' She looked very kind so Mum would know she wasn't being rude.

  The phone rang and Lucy ran to answer it. She liked answering the phone; she liked asking people who they wanted to speak to, and liked the little things you say in between the other things, like ‘How are you?' and ‘Yes, I'm fine.' But when she came back after answering the phone this time, she was crying.

  ‘What's the matter, Poodlefish?' Mum said.

  ‘Pokehead can't be my partner any more,’ Lucy said.

  ‘Why not?' Mum said.

  ‘She's hurt her arm. And now I won't be able to do the skipping competition.’

  All the Quigleys were quiet, even though Dad didn't tell them to be.

  ‘Everyone else will be doing it,’ Lucy said, trying not to cry. ‘But I won't be able to because I've got no one to do it with!’

  ‘Don't worry, Lucy,’ Mum said. She used a very determined voice. ‘We'll find you another partner.' She did determined much better than Dad.

  Mum was on the phone for an hour talking to other mums, but at lunchtime she still hadn't found anyone to be Lucy's partner. All Lucy's other friends had partners already.

  ‘Never mind, Poodlefish,’ Dad said. ‘I'm sure we'll find someone once we get to the fête.' Dad's voice wasn't determined. It was sort of vague.

  Saturday afternoon was bright and warm, and the school playing-field was full of people wandering round the stalls and tents and games. It was a very good fête. On the field there was a clown, a football competition, an international food tent, a white elephant stall, a Samba band, a barbecue, a coconut shy, a place where you could have your face painted and all sorts of other stalls and games. Inside the school there was a café and an amusement arcade.

  ‘What we have to do first,’ Mum said, ‘is find a partner for Lucy in the skipping competition. Agreed?’

  They agreed. ‘What we have to do next,’ Dad said, ‘is look after Mum. She's still not very strong. She mustn't do anything too tiring, like games and things. Do you agree?' They all agreed, except Mum. ‘Where isMum?' Lucy said, looking round.

  They saw her across the field laughing with a group of other mums, and Dad made hand signs to her which she couldn't possibly understand. Anyway, she turned her back before he'd finished.

  ‘This is going to be hard,’ Will said. ‘She looks pretty perky to me.' And then they all went off round the fête.

  Will found Tim. After Tim had said that he didn't want to be Lucy's skipping partner, they had a go on the tombola, and Tim won a set of wooden hairbrushes, which he dropped into a man's pocket because he hated having his hair brushed. Will said that Tim shouldn't have done that, and Tim said the man would probably be glad of new hairbrushes, and Will said he probably wouldn't because he was as bald as a coot.

  That cheered them up, and they went over to the football competition.

  Suddenly Will rushed forward, shouting, ‘Mum! No!’

  Mum was standing in front of the goal, just about to take her first penalty. Will got to her as she took it, and the ball left her foot at an angle of 70 degrees and broke a branch in an overhead tree, which fell with a crash, narrowly missing the goalkeeper. ‘I want that again,’ Mum said to the man in charge.

  Will said, ‘You're not allowed. You're not allowed games and things. Dad said. She's not,’ he said to the man. ‘She's too weak.’

  The man looked balefully at the broken branch.

  Mum went, looking fed up, and Will took the rest of her penalties.

  ‘There's something wrong with this ball,’ he said afterwards.

  Tim had a go. He wasn't as good as Will, but he had more tricks. For his first penalty, he dashed up to the ball as if about to kick it with his right foot, and at the last second thrashed it with his left, and it went in off the goalkeeper's forehead. For his second, he dashed up to the ball, and at the last second stopped, clutching his knee in agony, and when the keeper came out of his goal, saying, ‘Are you OK?', he suddenly straightened up and gave the ball a terrific thrash, and it went in off the keeper's nose.

  The third and final penalty he missed. They tried to make him go into the churchyard to get the ball back but he wouldn't.

  ‘This is a very good fête,’ Will said. ‘Look, there's my dad on the rowing machine game.’

  They went over. Dad was sitting on the machine, smiling to himself. ‘I used to row on a machine just like this,’ he said dreamily. Next to the machine there was a blackboard with names and different times written on it.

  ‘Look,’ Will said. ‘Someone called Ted's done it in fifty-eight seconds. You could do it in less than fifty-eight seconds. I bet you could.’

  Dad paid his money, and the lady in charge said, ‘Go!' and Dad gave an enormous grunt and shot forwards as if he'd been kicked in the buttocks. He went forwards and backwards, hissing and heaving, and the veins in his neck stood out, and his face turned an astonishing purple which Will had never seen before. It was a wonderful sight.

  ‘One minute, fifteen seconds,’ the lady said. ‘Very good for someone your age. Teas are being served in the hall.’

  ‘Are you sure this machine's working properly?' Dad asked her, when he could.

  Will and Tim drifted away. ‘Don't forget to stop Mum doing any games,’ Dad shouted after them, still panting. ‘She's not strong enough.’

  Lucy thought it was a very good fête too. There were lots of her friends there, and every time she met one of them she asked if they would be her skipping partner, but they always said no. Sometimes they were already someone else's partner, sometimes they didn't want to skip. Lucy knew that some of the girls she asked were rubbish at skipping, but even they said no. It was depressing. But she met Pokehead, who had her arm in a sling, and they went round the fête together.

  ‘How did you hurt your arm?' Lucy asked.

  ‘Because of Tim getting his head stuck in the bannisters.’

  ‘Did your arm get stuck too?’

  ‘No,’ Pokehead said. ‘Just Tim's head.

  We put Vaseline on it. To pull him out more smoothly. I like Vaseline, don't you?’

  ‘Yes,’ Lucy said. ‘So, did you hurt your arm pulling him out?’

  ‘No,’ Pokehead said. ‘When he got his head out he kicked me and I fell down the stairs.’

  ‘Oh, I see,’ Lucy said. ‘That wasn't very nice,’ she added.

  ‘Well, he didn't like me putting the Vaseline up his nose.’

  They went to the clothes stall and bought a pair of spotted pants so big they could both get into them at the same time, and they were just going to have a go on the ping-pong ball game and win a goldfish they could share, when, to Pokehead's surprise, Lucy suddenly ran off, shouting, ‘Mum! No!’

  Mum was lining up to take part in the tug-of-war. She scowled when she saw Lucy running towards her.

  ‘I'm just helping them set up,’ she said.

  ‘No you're not,’ Lucy said. ‘You're about to do tugging, and you're not allowed. Dad said.’

  The man in charge, who was just about to blow the whistle, shouted at them, ‘Your team has one too many!’

  ‘You have to go, Lucy,’ Mum said.

  ‘No, Mum,’ Lucy said. ‘You have to go.’

  Some of Lucy's friends were in the team, and they turned round and looked at Mum, and then at Lucy. ‘We want Lucy,’ they said. ‘Mums can't pull as hard.' And Mum, looking very fed up, went.

  At the whit
e elephant stall she met Will and Tim. Will looked secretive. His trouser pockets were full of something.

  ‘I've always had an eye for a bargain,’ he said. ‘Ask Dad.’

  Mum remembered Will's bargains from other fêtes. They littered the Quigleys' house – a china dog with its left ear missing, an ashtray in the shape of a canoe with ‘Present from Niagara Falls' written on the side, a wooden corkscrew decorated with the crest of Ostend.

  ‘Where is Dad?' Mum said.

  ‘On the rowing machine again,’ Will said.

  ‘What do you mean, “again”?’

  ‘He says there's something wrong with it,’ Will said. ‘He asked the lady to see if she could fix it.’

  ‘Is he all right?’

  ‘Dunno. He looked a bit grey last time I saw him. Someone called Ted can do it in fifty-eight seconds.’

  It was a beautiful summer day. A jazz band began to play. The Quigleys were having a very good time, though Lucy still didn't have a skipping partner, and Mum was doing things which she wasn't strong enough to do, and Dad was looking grey.

  ‘Hello,’ Mum said to Dad when he came up to her. ‘You look a bit grey. Have you beaten Ted yet?’

  ‘It shifts,’ he said. His voice was very quiet. ‘The whole machine wobbles. I hope you're taking it easy,’ he added weakly. ‘Why don't we go and get a cup of tea?’

  Mum looked shifty. ‘Not just now,’ she said.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I'll come in a minute.’

  Suddenly there was a loud voice out of the air saying, ‘Ready, ladies? On your marks!’

  For the first time Dad realized that Mum was standing in a row of other mums at the white line at the end of the athletics track. When they heard the voice, some of the mums crouched down, looking serious.

  ‘Get set!' the voice said.

  ‘Wait!' Dad said, and he put his hand on Mum's arm.

  The voice out of the air said, ‘Go!' and all the other mums sprinted down the athletics track in the mum's race. ‘It was very lucky I came along just then,’ Dad said. ‘You could have worn yourself out doing that.' He coughed once or twice. ‘Anyway, I think I'll just have one more go rowing,’ he said.

  As he left, Will and Lucy came up, and the three of them went to the café.

  ‘Have you found anyone to be your skipping partner?' Mum said to Lucy.

  Lucy shook her head. ‘Have you done any games or anything?' Will said to Mum.

  Mum shook her head sadly. Lucy said, ‘Do you know what? This fête is very good, but it's terrible at the same time.’

  In the café, Mum didn't say much, and Lucy asked if she was all right and she still didn't say much.

  ‘Mum's ill,’ Lucy said to Will when they were queueing for drinks.

  Will was examining the things in his pockets. ‘Is she?’

  ‘Yes, she needs a cup of tea.' The three Quigleys sat in the café, and Mum had a cup of tea, and Lucy had a cup of very milky tea, and Will had an orange squash, a piece of gingerbread, a rock cake, a cheese straw, four angel cakes and a packet of bubble gum.

  ‘I'm sad you don't feel well, Mum,’ Lucy said. ‘And we've stopped you doing everything all day, because we had to.’

  ‘Yes, I know,’ Mum said. She looked a bit shifty. ‘But I do feel rather faint,’ she added. ‘Do you think you could get me another cup of tea?’

  Lucy and Will went up together to the counter.

  ‘Will,’ Lucy said. ‘She looks a bit grey.’

  ‘Not as grey as Dad,’ Will said. ‘He's been on the rowing machine sixteen times. Is there enough money to get some more angel cakes?’

  They got the cakes and a cup of tea for Mum, and went back to the table, and when they got there, Mum had gone.

  ‘Did she say she was going, or did she just go?' Will said.

  They stood there, looking around. ‘Perhaps she's gone to vomit,’ Will said. ‘I hate vomiting in front of other people.’

  Lucy was anxious. ‘We have to find her, Will. Dad said we had to look after her, and now she's gone.’

  ‘You're right,’ Will said.

  They went together out of the hall, and neither of them noticed that they were holding hands, but before they got outside there was an announcement over the tannoy: ‘The skipping competition is about to begin.’

  ‘That's you,’ Will said. ‘You'd better go.’

  ‘I'm not going,’ Lucy said. ‘I haven't got anyone to do it with.’

  Will looked sad and also worried. ‘Don't look at me,’ he said.

  ‘I wouldn't skip with you,’ Lucy said. ‘Anyway, we have to find Mum.’

  They went on towards the door, but before they reached it there was another announcement: ‘Would Lucy Quigley please go to the central games area of the field? Lucy Quigley to the central games area.’

  When Lucy got to the central games area, she found Mum waiting for her in a crowd of excited girls. Miss Petz and Mr Sheringham were waiting with a long rope and Miss Strickland was standing next to a table, and on the table was a large gold trophy.

  ‘What are you doing, Mum?' Lucy said. ‘I'm waiting for you.’

  ‘Why?' ‘Because we're the first pair to skip.' Lucy thought about this. ‘But you're not allowed, Mum. No games.’

  ‘To hell with that,’ Mum said.

  ‘Oh, I see.' Lucy thought about this too. ‘Won't Dad be cross with me for letting you skip?’

  ‘Dad's too grey to be cross.' The competition began. The first rhyme was Two Six Nine, and Mum and Lucy did it perfectly.

  ‘Do you feel all right?' Lucy said afterwards. ‘Aren't you feeling ill?' Mum shook her head. She kicked her heels once or twice.

  The pairs who hadn't done Two Six Nine without a mistake had to drop out. There were six pairs left. For the next round the rhyme was Rosemary Apple Lemonade Tart.

  ‘Do you know this, Mum?' Lucy asked.

  Mum grinned. She didn't often grin, but when she did she did it very well.

  Rosemary apple lemonade tart

  Tell me the name of your true sweetheart

  A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M

  Lucy couldn't think of a boy whose name began with M, so she shouted ‘Mr Nelson', which is the name of Pippi Longstocking's monkey, and everyone laughed.

  ‘Well done,’ Mum said.

  Now there were four pairs left in the competition. The rhyme for the next round was Cinderella Dressed in Yella.

  ‘Oh, I like this one,’ Lucy said.

  Cinderella dressed in yella

  Went upstairs to kiss a fella

  By mistake she kissed a snake

  How many kisses did she take?

  Afterwards, Mum looked hot.

  ‘If you want to stop now, it's all right,’

  Lucy said. ‘If you're not feeling well.’

  ‘Hah!' Mum said. She didn't explain what she meant, but Lucy didn't think she wanted to stop.

  Now there were only three pairs left. The next rhyme was Spanish Lady Turn Around. It was a long one.

  ‘I don't know if I can do this,’ Lucy said.

  ‘Of course you can,’ Mum said. ‘We can do it together. Look, Dad and Will are watching us.’

  Dad and Will were standing outside the central games area, gazing at them. Dad looked very grey, but he managed to give a small cheer.

  The rope began to twirl, and Mum leaped into it.

  Not last night but the night before

  Twenty-four robbers came knocking at my door

  As I went out to let them in

  This is what they said to me

  Spanish lady touch the ground

  Spanish lady turn around

  Spanish lady show off your shoes

  Spanish lady that will do.

  After Spanish Lady Turn Around there were only two pairs left – Mum and Lucy, and two big girls. The judges were talking to each other. After a while, Miss Strickland spoke into the tannoy.

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,’ she said. �
�We are coming to the end of the skipping competition. By now we thought we would have a winner. But there are two pairs left. These two pairs,’ she said, ‘haven't made a mistake yet. It's very annoying. So the judges have decided that there will be one more round, and that this round will be extremely difficult.’

  Then the judges whispered a bit more, and Miss Strickland announced the last song. All in Together Girls.

  Lucy's face crumpled and she very nearly began to cry. ‘But I've never heard of it,’ she said. ‘It must be a very new one, and I don't know how to do it.’

  ‘No, it's not a new one,’ Mum said excitedly. ‘It's a very old one. And I know it! Listen, quickly now, and I'll tell you how to do it. All you have to remember is the months of the year.’

  And when the time came, Mum and Lucy threw themselves forward into the turning rope, and Will gave a loud cheer, and Dad gave a feeble cheer, and everyone who was watching yelled and clapped, and they began.

  All in together girls

  This fine weather girls

  When you hear your birthday please jump out

  January, February, March, April, May

  After the fête the Quigleys walked home together. They had quite a lot of stuff with them. Will was carrying a pile of secondhand Beanos. Mum was carrying a tray of seedlings she'd bought from the plant stall. And Lucy was carrying a large gold trophy. The trophy had fancy writing round the side of it saying Parkside Skipping Champions. Dad didn't carry anything.

  Dad could hardly walk.

  ‘It kept shifting,’ he muttered from time to time.

  When they got home, Dad lay down on the sofa in the back room, and Will lay on top of him and read Beanos, one after another. Mum offered to make pancakes for tea.

  ‘Not burned ones,’ she said.

  ‘Will they look like knickers?' Will asked.

  Mum shook her head.

  Will grinned and slid off Dad. He started to empty his pockets. A battered pewter mug fell out, and a shirt embroidered with a scene of a bull fight.