Numb

by Lynn Rider

  “Ashton, you need to go.” My voice wavered with uncertainty. He leaned in, bringing his lips closer. “No, not after last night,” I said just above a whisper. His expression dropped with shame.

  “We belong together,” he said quietly, his eyes silently pleading.

  “Maybe one day, but not now,” I managed to get out before my throat constricted with a lump that I could no longer swallow. My vision blurred with unshed tears as I ducked under his arm and disappeared behind my door, leaving him and my paper on the stoop.

  15 months later…

  “DO YOU HAVE ANY last minute shopping you need to get done before Christmas?” Douglas asked through the telephone.

  I barely heard the question because I was too distracted by the tabloid headline staring back at me in the checkout line of the supermarket.

  “AUSTIN HARRIS ARRESTED AND FORCED TO REHAB…AGAIN!”

  I forced myself to look away, but what I really wanted was to rip it from its perch and tear through the pages, hoping to catch a glimpse of Ashton coming to his little brother’s rescue. Instead, I focused on placing my groceries on the conveyor in the specific order of how I wanted them bagged at the other end. Room temperature boxes together, cold boxes together, pouches and odd shaped things next. It was a little obsession taught to me courtesy of my boyfriend. The same boyfriend I was ignoring because I was too busy obsessing over a tabloid I shouldn’t care about and strategically placing my damn groceries on a conveyor belt in an attempt to distract myself from said tabloid.

  I had been dating Douglas—and I mean Douglas, not Doug—for about three months. He didn’t like to be called Doug because he considered abbreviations of names too informal. The night I met him, I’d called him Doug, and he hadn’t immediately corrected me, but found a polite way to reiterate his name as Douglas. He wasn’t rude. No, that wasn’t in his nature. He was far too polite for that.

  “Meagan? Hello …” His English accent was more pronounced through his sing song tone.

  “I’m sorry, Douglas. I was making sure I got my groceries on the conveyor just right.”

  “No problem, darling.” Hearing his anal grocery store habits had worn off on me undoubtedly pleased him. “Did you hear what I asked? Do you have any last minute shopping that needs to be done? We could do it tonight. I have a few more things I would like to pick up for my mum.”

  “No, I’m done,” I said, still trying to tear my eyes from that tabloid. Damn Austin for looking like Ashton.

  “Mother and Father fly in tomorrow morning. I can’t wait for you to meet them. I’m so excited, Meagan. This will be our first Christmas together,” he said in a delighted tone.

  “Me too,” I replied, gathering as much enthusiasm as possible in those two words. “Douglas, can I call you when I get home? She’s checking my stuff now and I hate being on the phone when it’s my turn.”

  “Yes, of course. I’ll be by around seven to fetch you.”

  I managed to escape the supermarket without buying or even touching the tabloid that contained the story of Ashton’s younger brother.

  Progress.

  I kicked my front door closed and dropped most of the bags on the ground before examining the deep red indentations that covered my skin from their weight. Living in a high rise and holiday grocery shopping did not mix well. Next year I’ll make a trip each night, only buying what I can carry comfortably, I promised myself.

  Douglas and I arrived at the popular downtown restaurant where we were meeting Leah and Cliff. With his hand at the small of my back, Douglas led me from the chilly New York air into the crowded restaurant.

  We were shown to the table where Leah and Cliff were seated, and again, Douglas politely escorted me, his hand never leaving my back. It was a simple and somewhat routine gesture, but for some reason it was annoying the hell out of me. Leah lit up as we approached the table and Cliff stood, greeting Douglas with a handshake before turning his attention to me with a kiss on the cheek.

  Cliff and Douglas seemed to hit it off well. They’d met for golf, and even had lunch together a few times. As the guys fell into a comfortable discussion about turning Cliff’s millions into billions, Leah and I talked baby. Leah and Cliff married about a year ago and were expecting their first child. I’d never been one to gush over a baby, but I’d never had a friend like Leah. She was like a sister to me and I couldn’t help but get caught up in the excitement with her.

  “So enough about me, I want to know why you looked so pissed when you walked in?” she asked as she leaned closer. “Trouble in paradise?” she asked as she looked over at Douglas briefly.

  I felt the rush of realization wash over me. “No, not at all. I’m just out of sorts today. I read a headline at the supermarket about Ashton’s brother and I’ve been out of it since,” I whispered. “Douglas is great,” I confirmed while looking over at him. He was the kind of guy who fit better in a suit than a pair of jeans and a tee, but he really was handsome. His thick dark hair slightly receded, prominent straight nose, nicely shaped lips and square chin made him good looking in a sophisticated way. He wasn’t hot, and he didn’t turn heads when he walked into a room, but he was sweet, respectful and oh, that accent! I used to beg him to talk so that I could hear more of it.

  “Are you okay? Was there anything in there about Ashton?” she asked quietly.

  I shook my head, “I don’t know. I didn’t pick it up and look.”

  “Good girl, I’m proud of you.” She smiled widely. She had heard all too often about my obsession with Ashton Harris, and she knew that was a thirst that I could never quench. He would ruin me.

  We enjoyed dinner as Cliff and Douglas dominated the majority of the conversation with the exception of Leah butting in to keep Cliff’s tall tales realistic. The endless chatter around me lulled me into a reflection of my life. I was living my dream in a city that I loved with the perfect job and great friends. I was happy.

  I was numb.

  Darling, did you hear me?” Douglas’s voice snapped me back to the present. “Where’d you go?” he asked, but before I could respond he turned his attention back to Cliff. “This is the second time today that I’ve managed to bore to her to sleep with her eyes opened.” He laughed.

  “I’m not bored, I’m happy,” I replied. His smile was unlike any I had seen before. It was saying something, but what, I didn’t know. I ignored the skeptical look on Leah’s face when I briefly looked her direction before I dug into my desert.

  “I need to do a little shopping tonight. Do you feel up to it?” Douglas asked as we sat idle in traffic. “I’ll buy you ice cream,” he added to sweeten the deal.

  I laughed looking at the outside temperature display on the dash of his Mercedes. “It’s forty-two degrees. Do you think I want ice cream?” I asked playfully.

  “If I add a latte to the equation, you’re sure to accept,” he said in his own playful tone. Douglas had a tendency to sound smart, genius actually, but playful or sarcastic was difficult for him to pull off. He hadn’t managed to get it right in the three months we’d dated.

  “Deal!” I laughed. He brought his head closer to mine with a slight tilt. This was his way to ask for a kiss; he never took it. That would be too forthright and impolite. I leaned in and gave him what he wanted.

  I had to practically run into the restaurant. I’m always late, dammit. Douglas’s parents had arrived from London today and this wasn’t the best way to make a great first impression.

  Douglas stood with a big smile as soon as I entered the dining room of the restaurant. He really was handsome. His grey suit and crisp white shirt fit his personality perfectly. He wrapped his hand around mine, pulling me in closer while placing a chaste kiss on my cheek and turning me in the direction of his parents.

  “Mum, Dad, this is my girlfriend, Meagan Chambers. Meagan, this is Evelyn and Reginald, my parents.”

  “Lovely to meet you,” they both said in unison.

  “Oh dear. I suppose that’s what you sh
ould expect after thirty years of marriage,” Reginald offered pleasantly.

  “Nice to meet you both. Douglas has told me so many good things about each of you.” I smiled as I shook their hands before sinking to my seat.

  Lunch was served and the conversation never dulled. Despite being a few minutes late, I think I made a great first impression. I continued to be in awe with the love and closeness between Douglas and his parents. Being estranged from my own, it felt good to witness a bond such as theirs.

  “Darling, I don’t want to run you off, but rehearsal starts in just forty minutes,” Douglas interrupted his mother mid-sentence before his gaze dropped to his watch.

  “Oh no, I completely lost track of time!” I slid my chair away from the table anxiously.

  “I’ll walk you out and get you settled in a cab,” Douglas offered with a smile as he gathered my garment bag and purse from the empty chair at the table. I stood and said goodbye quickly to his parents.

  Douglas wrapped me in his arms at the curb. “They loved you,” he said confidently. I pulled back to look into his hazel eyes.

  “I knew they would,” I said with a wink before stepping into the awaiting cab. He laughed boisterously and closed my door, giving me a brief wave as the driver pulled into traffic.

  “How was lunch?” Leah waggled her eyebrows, knowing I was meeting Douglas’s parents for the first time today.

  “It was great, they are really nice,” I responded with a quick smile before I ran into the dressing room to change for the performance.

  “Do I hear wedding bells?”

  I scoffed. “Hardly, we haven’t even had sex,” I whispered.

  “Shit, Meg, you’ve held onto that V-card this long. Why not wait until you get married?”

  “I don’t want to get married,” I answered matter-of-fact.

  “Well, you may want to let Brit Boy in on that important detail because the look on his face last night when you said you were happy tells me he’s not on the same page.”

  “I am happy, but that doesn’t mean we need to get married,” I said, walking out of the dressing room.

  “Meagan, are you really happy?” she asked pointedly, freezing my movements.

  “Yes, I am. I live in a great city, I have a great job, great boyfriend and the very best girlfriend a woman could ask for.” I smiled sweetly trying to convince her of my words. “A best girlfriend who looks a little pudgier today than yesterday.” I joked, patting her slightly rounded midsection and stopping the scrutiny of her eyes.

  “Thanks, bitch. Just wait until you’re pregnant. Although, you’ll have to have sex first.” She laughed, waggling her eyebrows again.

  Being the first night of our Christmas program, we’d expected a full house and we weren’t disappointed. I loved being carried away and lost in the music, but was also happy when my long day had ended. I accepted Cliff’s offer to take me home when he came to pick up Leah.

  I was exhausted and fell asleep quickly.

  I WAS BUSY CLEANING my apartment for probably the fifteenth time in a week. Owen and Phillip would be arriving today and cleaning was a way to distract me from my excitement. This was my second Christmas in the city but their first. I returned to Nashville to spend Thanksgiving with them each year and hoped to start a tradition of them spending Christmas here with me.

  They hadn’t met Douglas yet but would tonight before they attended the Orchestra’s final Christmas performance. Douglas’s parents had been here three days and had expressed on numerous occasions how excited they were about tonight. Between business and ‘holiday’ as they called it, they were in New York several times a year but had never managed to catch our performance.

  I knew Owen and Phillip would like Douglas, they rarely met anyone they couldn’t get along with, but there was a hidden pressure I was putting on myself. This was my first real boyfriend. I’d been out with guys before, some while I lived with Owen in Nashville before moving to New York, but Douglas and I are exclusive and would be looked at differently because of it. This was unchartered territory for me.

  I had Owen sell my car when I moved from Nashville. There was no point in having one when traffic and parking was a nightmare. But days like today, when my apartment was so clean you could eat from the floors and my brother’s plane was landing, all I wanted to do was be at the airport to greet them. Owen had insisted it wasn’t necessary for me to take a taxi there only to have to get right back into one to return to my apartment.

  It was close to three thirty when the desk rang me to say they had arrived. I leaped from my seat and ran out to the hall and down to the elevator to meet them. I sprang into Owen’s arms as soon as the stainless steel paneled doors parted.

  “Hey, baby girl. Did you miss me?” he whispered into my ear as he cradled me firmly in his arms. Overjoyed at seeing them, I nodded, unable to speak. He stepped from the elevator with me clinging to his body. He released me and I wrapped my arms around Phillip, who stood waiting for his turn.

  “Do you get more beautiful each time I see you or is that my imagination?” Phillip crooned in my ear before he pulled away, scanning my body.

  “Are you hitting on me?” I asked playfully, wiping my happy tears from my moistened cheeks.

  “Can you blame me? Look at you,” he said, raising my arm and twirling me around like a small child to check out my body and clothes. Fashion was obviously more important to Phillip than Owen. He was always perfectly dressed and groomed, whereas Owen had a darker, more gothic style. Dark jeans, fitted Tshirts and tousled hair was more his fashion.

  “I missed you guys so much!”

  “We can tell!” Phillip laughed as he brought their bags into my apartment.

  Phillip whistled through his teeth when we walked to the window and saw the view of Central Park. “Damn, James knows how to pick em.”

  “I know. I wish you’d let me help you with the rent, Owen.” He shook his head and gave me a look that I knew meant we weren’t going to discuss this again.

  I left Owen and Phillip to the privacy of their room while I went to mine to get dressed for work. I hadn’t heard from Douglas since this morning when he called to say he was taking his parents shopping. He assured me he would be here in plenty of time to meet Owen and Phillip before I had to leave for work. He was taking them to dinner and I think I was more nervous about not being there than Douglas was in taking them.

  Just as I finished dressing, my doorbell rang. Never late. I strolled down the hall toward the door. To my surprise, I heard Douglas’s voice as I neared the living room. His attention turned to me as I stood admiring the meshing of our two families, and his smile widened. He closed the distance between us with a few quick strides, wrapping his arms around me tightly after placing a chaste kiss on my lips. His embrace comforted me.

  “Hey, get a room, would ya?” Phillip catcalled laughingly as he entered.

  “Douglas Rhodes,” he said cordially as he extended his hand.

  “Phillip Matthews,” Phillip said sternly. My eyes widened at the absence of his usual easy nature. Surely he was joking. Phillip smiled sweetly at me as I narrowed my eyes at him in warning.

  It was the morning of Christmas Eve and Owen and Phillip were planning on doing their own thing today. I heard Douglas’s knock just after they left. I swiftly opened the door and was surprised to see him alone. “I’ve worn them out. They wanted to stay at my flat today to rest,” he said sheepishly after taking in my perplexed expression.

  “Let me get my bag.” I stepped back into the apartment. “Owen and Phillip are doing something today that seemed top secret,” I called out from across the room as I gathered my purse and cell phone.

  “Probably shopping for you, baby girl,” he teased, using Owen’s nickname for me. Owen being eight years older than me started calling me that when I was young. Before he left home and things got bad.

  “Meagan, are you okay?” Douglas asked with concern as he took in my grave expression.

  I
smiled, trying to recover. “Yeah, I was just thinking about my family. I wish my parents would accept Owen. It would be nice to have them here with you and your parents,” I said longingly.

  “I’m sorry, darling. Maybe one day they’ll come around,” he said as we exited my apartment. He tucked me under his arm as walked down the hall. “For the record, my parents loved both Owen and Phillip.” He pushed the call button for the elevator. “And you.”

  I pushed up on my tippy toes to kiss him softly on his lips. He really was a nice guy, I think this can work …

  I needed this to work.

  Since Douglas and I were both done with our shopping, we opted to kill the afternoon at the movies. We didn’t really have the same taste in movies, but like every other time, I pretended to like his choice when he chose a boring documentary on the environment.

  The movie was close to three hours long but felt like six. I was famished, so we walked to the closest restaurant from the theater. The place was crowded, but everything was crowded in the city, especially with all the frenzied shoppers trying to get their last minute presents.

  As we stood near the door, I snuggled up close to Douglas’s body to escape the cold air that blew in each time the door opened. Douglas gladly accepted my affection and held me close, kissing my head every so often.

  I heard the faint call of my name but thought I’d imagined it until Douglas stirred, looking in the direction of the dining area. Owen’s arm was waving at us over the heads of the other diners. Douglas took my hand and led us single file through the congested tables and numerous shopping bags that littered the walkway.

  Phillip’s eyes locked on me as an unrecognizable grin took over his expression.

  “Douglas, this is our friend, Ashton Harris.”

  My heart stopped beating momentarily before my attention snapped from Phillip. Ashton was sitting at the table next to me, a shit-eating grin on his face as he stared at Douglas. I was so distracted by Phillip that I’d failed to notice his large body sitting there. My attention returned to Phillip to see a satisfied look across his face.