Numb

by Lynn Rider

  “And you already know Meagan,” Owen followed, breaking my attention once again from Phillip.

  I smiled, trying to seem indifferent to his presence. I knew Phillip was studying my every move, so I plastered on my best poker face. “Ashton, good to see you,” I said with the most heartfelt sincerity I could gather.

  He stood, giving me a loose hug and a kiss on the cheek, lingering a little longer than necessary. He still smelled of the same sweet musk mixed with fresh laundry soap. He smelled fantastic …

  I heard the scratch of chair legs against the hard floor, bringing me out of my trance. I pulled back quickly, trying to rid my nose of his intoxicating scent. Douglas placed a chair next to Ashton and politely held the back, signaling me to sit. Forever a gentleman. Ashton had his cocky grin set in place as he settled back into his own chair to watch Douglas and me.

  As I stood, briefly assessing my options, Ashton patted the chair with the palm of his hand. I felt the weight of Phillip’s stare, so once again attempted to wash all reaction from my face and smiled at Douglas, settling into the chair between him and Ashton.

  “Isn’t this comfortable?” Phillip said out loud to no one in particular as he perused his menu.

  “So, baby girl, have you been enjoying New York City? It’s been a while since we saw each other. What has it been? Fifteen months … and sixteen days?” Ashton whispered the last so low I wasn’t sure he’d said it. My mind was stuck on the way he used Owen’s nickname for me. Ashton had adopted the use of it when he was in Nashville a couple of summers ago, and despite the purity of it’s original form from Owen, it rolled from Ashton’s perfect mouth in a way that elicited an excitement in me that no other had.

  I stared, unable to speak. He was so close. His smell intoxicated me like a drug. And like a junkie, I silently promised myself that I only needed one more hit. I inhaled deeply before nodding and burying my reaction in my menu.

  The waitress almost dropped my water glass when she realized who was sitting at the table. She couldn’t take her eyes off of him. I couldn’t blame her since my overly sweet, caring boyfriend was sitting just on the other side of me and I was having a hard time.

  Ashton’s muscular, tattooed arms looked larger than I recalled. His hair was shorter than his normal tousled style and his color looked good. He looked like the Ashton that I’d met in Nashville, not the one I’d ran into at Diablo’s well over a year ago, and especially not the one who was curled up asleep in my hallway the next morning.

  “So, Doug, what do you do?” Ashton asked, sounding genuine interest.

  Douglas placed his water glass down, clearing his throat. “Douglas, actually. I run the U.S. division of my family’s import export business,” he replied with poise. Knowing that I had asked the same question verbatim, even abbreviating his name, struck me as funny. I grabbed my water glass and tipped it to my lips as I tried to drown the laugh that was threatening to rise to the surface.

  “Interesting,” Ashton replied simply before turning his attention back to Owen and changing the subject.

  The tension remained thick until after the food was served. As we ate our meals, I was able to join in the conversation without any reservations as everyone seemed to chat amiably.

  Douglas got up to excuse himself to the restroom and it didn’t take Ashton long to hone in on my attention. “Are you happy?” he whispered in my direction as Phillip and Owen talked quietly to one another. I looked up to meet his brown eyes and my breath caught with the intensity of his gaze.

  As we sat staring at one another, a woman’s giggle from behind me broke his concentration. Ashton’s face widened into a smile before she giggled more vivaciously. “Excuse me, Ashton,” she said, pausing to look down at me with a scornfulness I didn’t deserve, “but will you sign this for me?” She giggled again, pushing a paper and pen in his direction. He gladly accepted, giving her a wink as he handed it back to her. “Thank you.” She giggled as she scurried off, shriek once she joined her friends.

  Her approach opened the flood gates. Our table was soon barraged with all ages of giddy women requesting a minute of his time and his signature on something. He willingly obliged to every request, turning our meal into a circus.

  Having seen enough, I made the announcement that we needed to go. We had been here for so long that the sun was setting and I wasn’t prepared for the cold that we’d undoubtedly have to endure on the walk back to the theater to get Douglas’s car.

  As Douglas and I stood to say goodbye, Ashton wrapped me in his arms and whispered, “Let’s get together sometime and catch up, just you and me.” His warm breath against my ear caused goose bumps. I nodded to appease him and smiled warmly as I pulled away. I knew without a doubt I needed to rid my life of Ashton. His affect on me was still too profound.

  Douglas wrapped me in his arms and escorted me out of the restaurant into the cold December night. The city was illuminated with lights throughout the year, but the addition of Christmas lights added an extra touch of magic for me. I was trying to focus on the beauty of the city at night and not how ill-prepared I was for the temperature. My thin sweater, skirt and knee high boots did nothing to fend off the cold air that chilled me to the bone.

  “Darling, why don’t you wait in this store and let me fetch the car?” Douglas asked as I shivered with the wind as it blew under my skirt. I was unable to respond as my teeth chattered and lips quivered. Douglas took that as the answer he needed, guiding me into the warmth of the nearby store. He left me browsing the racks as he ran the next block to the parking lot of the theater to bring the car to me.

  When I saw Douglas’s black Mercedes pull up and double park, I ran from the store, glancing down the sidewalk in both directions. A shooting pain of jealousy pierced my heart when I noticed Ashton outside the restaurant talking to two women.

  Jealousy wasn’t something I was accustomed to, having only felt it where he was concerned. The pain served as a reminder of why Douglas and I were meant to be. I took one last look as I reached for the door handle of Douglas’s car and slid in, leaving Ashton Harris and those unwelcomed feelings to my past.

  “Douglas, will you spend the night with me?” I asked, breaking the comfortable silence we’d found ourselves in during the drive to my apartment.

  His attention snapped from the road to me in an instant. I know what I was asking, but I wasn’t sure if he knew what I was asking. He raised our already joined hands, and kissed my knuckles softly. “Darling, I would love nothing more than to wake up next to you, but it’s Christmas and my parents are expecting me home and you have company at your house.” He laughed softly and shook his head. “Doesn’t that make us sound like a couple of adolescents?” he asked, continuing his quiet laughter.

  I tried to seem indifferent to his rejection. He had a point. This wasn’t an ideal time to spend our first night together. Unexpectedly, the silence during the remainder of the drive wasn’t uncomfortable. He continually held my hand, rubbing his slight five o’clock shadow with the back side and placing soft kisses on my fingers.

  When we got to my building, he went to the garage to park in the parking place I never used. I didn’t question his actions. In fact, I wasn’t sure what I was ready for, but I felt an intense longing to be close to someone.

  Owen and Phillip weren’t home when we got inside. I had a few things to do in preparation for tomorrow, and Douglas willingly helped without being asked. He opened a bottle of wine as we got busy chopping and mixing. We worked well together. I could see this working.

  Two hours later, we had most things made or prepped for tomorrow’s dinner, and my offer to stay the night was long forgotten. When his parents called asking how to deliver pizza, I slipped into the shower.

  Douglas was settled on the couch watching the ten o’clock news when I returned from my shower. He smiled and extended his arms out to cradle me in them as I sat next to him. After several long minutes, he broke the comfortable silence. “Did you ever date that Ash
ton chap?” he asked calmly, not taking his attention from the television.

  For the second time in just hours, I felt a pang of pain in my heart because of Ashton. Setting the hurt aside, I considered his question. How would I explain our friendship? It was like a lightning bolt to my psyche every time I saw him, any time he was mentioned, but we hadn’t dated. I shook my head softly. “No, just friends. I haven’t seen him in a long time.” I looked up at him to make sure he believed me.

  He smiled down at me kindly. “He seemed very protective of you at first. He wouldn’t shake my hand. If I didn’t know better, I would think he was jealous,” he said flatly.

  “Just protective. He’s friends with Phillip and Owen. He’s probably feeling like he needs to take on the protective brother role in their absence.”

  “But you just said you haven’t seen him,” he asked skeptically.

  “I haven’t. It’s been well over a year. I think it was not long after I moved here. He’s in a band and they travel a lot.”

  “Meagan, I’m aware of who he is. Half that restaurant knew who he was. I just found his reaction to you … odd.” He tightened his grip and kissed my head. I nestled in further and took in his scent. It wasn’t anything like Ashton’s. No, Ashton’s scent kept me high for hours. I had to get him out of my system.

  As Douglas went to land another kiss on my temple, I tilted my face upward to meet his. He bent his neck so that his lips brushed against mine. His kiss was soft, chaste at first. When I swung my leg over his body, climbing onto his lap, he moaned softly in my mouth. We had never done this before. I never wanted to provoke him with actions that I wouldn’t be able to carry through with. He had proven over the last several months that he has the patience of a saint. What other twenty-seven year old man would tolerate a twenty-three-year-old virgin? But he’d never pushed me.

  I felt his erection growing as I centered my body over his. I wanted to do this. I wanted to want him in this way. I kissed him passionately as I rocked my body against his lap. Through my thin boxer shorts, I could feel his dick rubbing my clit. It felt like heaven and I wanted more. A quiet moan that I didn’t recognize as my own escaped from my throat.

  Douglas cradled my head in his hands, pulling his lips from mine. His hazel eyes held such intensity as they searched mine. “Meagan, are you sure?” he whispered. I nodded and planted my lips on his once again. He wrapped me in his arms, lifting us from the couch and carrying me to my bedroom.

  He closed and locked the bedroom door before he laid me on the bed and stood over me. He toed off his shoes and peeled his socks from his feet before removing his polo shirt and then his pants. Leaving his boxers on, he climbed over my body, hovering on his elbows.

  “Are you sure? We don’t have to do this. I can just stay and hold you,” he said sweetly as he grazed my hair with the backside of his fingers.

  I shook my head and started unbuttoning my own pajama top. He took over and unfastened each button, taking his time and kissing each inch of newly exposed flesh. Once every button was free, he parted the shirt, exposing my naked breasts to his view.

  “You’re beautiful, Meagan,” he whispered against my skin as he circled my nipple with his tongue. The soft grip of its peak between his teeth caused currents of pleasure down to my groin. My nipples hardened under the light flicks of his tongue and gentle sucking as he traveled lower with his mouth. His warm mouth left a trail of goose bumps, much like those that Ashton provoked earlier. Why in the hell was I thinking of Ashton? Douglas’s gentle pull at my boxer shorts snapped me from my errant thoughts, bringing me back to the now.

  He discarded my clothes. Naked for his view, I had never been so exposed, but it felt invigorating. The look in his eyes told me he liked what he saw. I felt desired and, for the first time in my life, I felt sexy.

  My heartbeat escalated with nervousness when he discarded his own boxer shorts and stood naked in front of me. I’d never seen a naked man in person and Douglas’s lean and toned body was beautiful. He retrieved a condom from his wallet, rolled it on and climbed over my body once again. He kissed me softly, calming me with his gentleness before looking into my eyes. “Meagan, are you sure? I will wait. We don’t have to do this,” he said, giving me another opportunity to change my mind.

  I ran my fingers through his thick hair, gripping the back of his head as I wrapped my legs around him, pulling our bodies tight. The tip of his firm erection pressed firmly against the opening of my body, sending my nerves into a flurry of motion.

  I took a deep breath, pushing aside the fear when his hazel eyes gazed down at me lovingly. I can do this. I had heard stories about this part; I knew the initial penetration surely would hurt and I was already tensing for it.

  “Are you sure?” he asked again as if hearing my fear.

  I nodded. I was as sure as I could get at this point.

  “Relax, darling. It will hurt for a bit, but I’ll be as gentle as I can,” he reassured as he rubbed his tip against my opening and I parted my legs wider. He pressed, cradling my body in his arms as he pushed in slowly, then stilled. I felt the unfamiliar shock of pain bolt through my center and deep in my groin as I tensed.

  “I’m going to start moving. I’ll go slowly.”

  I nodded, unable to speak. I was too nervous, too scared and too emotional to even attempt to effectively relay words. He started rocking in and out, slowly at first. As the pain subsided, I started meeting his slow, steady thrusts with my own. He continued to kiss me and stroke my skin with his fingers as he slid in and out of my body.

  “You’re so beautiful, Meagan,” he whispered against my neck.

  My orgasm was building, the faint sensation of pleasure getting stronger with every stroke until my body started to peak in ecstasy. Douglas stared into my eyes before I teetered off the edge, arching my back, lost in the intense bliss. Impulsively, I closed my eyes, savoring this feeling, but I saw Ashton’s hurt brown eyes looking down at me and I flung them open again, desperate to rid my mind of the image. I was pleased to see a set of lustful hazel eyes looking back at me. Seemingly unaffected by my jerky movements, he continued rocking in and out of my body until he found his own release.

  Douglas remained quiet, but attentive, rubbing my body and placing soft kisses against my skin. My body was spent and I fell asleep quickly.

  THE INITIALLY SOFT SOUND of my alarm became more prominent as my body stirred from sleep. I slammed my hand over the button to silence the now piercing shriek that I hated so much. I stretched to come to life, the soreness I felt snapping me awake and bringing a smile to spread across my face.

  I’d had sex.

  I rolled to my side, surprised by the cold, vacant space on the other side of the bed. Douglas was gone.

  Wow.

  As I kicked my feet from the covers to climb from the sheets, I felt the soreness for what it was. It wasn’t unbearable. It was subtle and foreign, a pleasant reminder that I was as normal as the next twenty-three year old sexually active woman. I smiled wide as I stood from the bed.

  A note propped up on the nightstand next to a glass of water and two reddish-orange pills caught my attention.

  I didn’t take the pills. I was going to be a masochist, wanting a reminder of what that pain represented to me. I tucked the note in my nightstand drawer and got ready for the day.

  Owen and Phillip were still asleep when the doorman called to say Ashton Harris was downstairs. I was momentarily stunned on the line before making the split second decision to allow him up. It was close to ten o’clock and Douglas had already called to say he wouldn’t be here until noon. I had time to get rid of him.

  Not wanting to wake Owen and Phillip, I waited in the hall. My breath hitched and held when the elevator doors parted and he stepped out. His normal casual attire of boots, jeans and tees was replaced with low-rise dress slacks and a fitted white dress shirt. His sleeves were rolled up just enough to see the beautiful, vibrant colors of his toned and tattooed forearms. My heart
began to beat wildly in my chest as he got near.

  “Merry Christmas!” he sang out as he approached. His smile turning me to a pile of mush, unable to speak. He cleared his throat and gave me a cocky lopsided grin.

  “Merry Christmas,” I replied, sounding breathy. His smile widened as he held up the cloth grocery bags I hadn’t noticed until now.

  “Hope you don’t mind if I make my dish here. I promise not to get in your way. I brought everything I will need in here,” he said confidently as he held up another bag.

  The flexing of his biceps strained against the sleeves of his fitted shirt caused a delay in my comprehension. He was staying. Surely Phillip was behind this. I’m going to kill him. I led the way into my apartment.

  “It’s quiet in here. I imagined you would have a house full by now,” he said as he unpacked the contents of his bags onto the countertop.

  “The guys are still sleeping and Douglas and his parents should be here any minute,” I lied. Ashton didn’t respond at first, focusing only on his ingredients as he lined them up.

  “Phillip tied a good one on last night, and Owen wasn’t too far behind him. I didn’t think I was ever going to get them outta that bar.” He laughed softly.

  “Oh? How is that you manage to look so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning then?” I asked, busying myself with the coffee maker to appear uncaring about his reply.

  “I don’t drink.”

  Images of him passed out and hungover in my hallway crossed my mind. “You don’t drink or you didn’t drink?” I was unsure why I needed clarification, but I couldn’t stop myself.

  His eyes locked on mine. “I don’t make a habit of it. I’m not opposed to it or anti-alcohol, but I rarely go out with the guys and I don’t go to bars to get drunk anymore.” His brown eyes pierced mine with sincerity.

  I smiled cautiously and turned away.