Numb

by Lynn Rider

  “What’s with your panties being in a twist today, Leah?” I asked through the stall.

  “I don’t know, he’s just annoying the shit … I mean the poo-poo out of me today.”

  “Do you know how ridiculous that just sounded?” I laughed.

  “Yes.” Her voice was racked with emotion. She opened the stall and her eyes were glassy. I gathered her in my arms.

  “It’s okay, Leah.”

  “I know. I’m just so damn emotional!” she cried through her sobs.

  “Don’t worry, soon that little shit will be out of you and you’ll be back to Leah again.”

  She pulled away. “Don’t call my baby a little shit,” she said seriously, but then a hint of a smile broke through. “Just wait, Meagan. One day you’ll be pregnant and you’re going to fall apart too.” She wiped tears from her moistened cheeks. “You’ll have to have sex first, though,” she added sarcastically.

  My expression must have given me away because her face changed and her eyes gleamed. “You sneaky ass! You did!” she said, narrowing her eyes and pointing her finger at me. “I can’t believe you! How do you feel? How was it?”

  I shook my head. “Wait, was it with Douglas or Ashton?” she asked, waggling her perfectly plucked eyebrows at me.

  For a brief second, I was hurt. I couldn’t believe her of all people would insinuate that. Then again, maybe she was seeing something that I didn’t want her to see. From the day I’d met Ashton, I’d always thought it would be him. I feigned irritation at her question.

  “I’m sorry, Meagan, I just thought—”

  “Drop it, Leah.” I washed my hands for the second time and walked out, wanting to escape her prying eyes. Leah was excellent at reading people and if given the chance, she would figure me out.

  As I sat through dinner, my mind couldn’t stop thinking about Leah’s question. I wasn’t mad at her. Given my obsession over Ashton and now having him back in my life, it was a legitimate question.

  “You were quiet throughout dinner. What’s the matter, darling?” Douglas asked, taking my hand in his and leading me to his car.

  I turned to look at him. I could never explain the odd conversation between Leah and me that had left doubts loitering in my head. I smiled, trying to convince him I was okay. “I’m just tired.” I squeezed his hand, trying to confirm that was true. He smiled lovingly at me.

  “Are you staying the night?” I asked.

  “I thought you’d never ask.”

  I pretended to be asleep when Douglas got up to leave the next morning. I had so many thoughts stirring in my mind, and although it wasn’t his fault, I just couldn’t bring myself to paint a happy smile on my face when my mind was so full of torment.

  Douglas was everything I needed. Last night when we’d made love, it was everything you read about in the best of romance novels. He hadn’t said he loves me, but with every look and every touch it felt like love. He was caring and sweet, putting me first all the time. That used to be enough to make me feel safe and protected, but all of a sudden it felt different and I didn’t know why.

  I called Leah to try to explain, but my call went right to voicemail. I left her a sappy sweet message telling her that apparently she isn’t the only one with unbalanced hormones affecting her moods.

  I got out of the shower, pruned and red from the heat of the water. I padded into the bedroom to get dressed. My phone was illuminated with a missed call.

  One Missed Call - Ashton

  As I stood there contemplating calling him back, it whistled with an incoming text.

  ‘Stone-Field today at 11:00.’

  I unplugged if from the charger to clear the message and it rang in my hand, almost causing me to drop it.

  Leah Cell

  “Hey!”

  “Meagan, guess what?” she asked excitedly.

  “What?” I replied, thankful she had forgotten our uncomfortable conversation the night before.

  “We’re having a boy!” she shrieked in my ear.

  “What? How do you know? I thought it was still too early?”

  “I know, but the doctor is a family friend of Cliff’s and he did an ultrasound today when I told him how excited we were to find out. He rubbed it over my belly a couple of times and there it was. He was sitting with his legs open and clear as day, we could see it. I’m having a boy!” she yelled again.

  I was so excited for her and shared in her glee. We talked a few minutes about her news and our definite shopping trip we’d be making this week for all things blue.

  “Leah, I hate to bring the mood down, but I want to apologize for last night. I reacted badly to an innocent question.”

  “No, Meagan, don’t. I was the one out of line. I had no right to suggest you’d do that to Douglas. It’s just that I don’t know that he’s right for you, and I don’t know if you realize that or not.”

  “I know,” I said around the lump that formed in my throat. I cleared my throat and continued “But he’s perfect, Leah. He’s so caring, sweet and considerate. He’s totally husband and father material.”

  Leah’s heavy sigh came through the line. “What do you want, Meagan?”

  “I don’t know … I want to want Douglas.”

  “I don’t know if you can make your heart feel something that may not be there. Only you know how you feel. If you ever need to talk, you know I’ll always listen. And despite my harebrained comment last night, I would never judge you, Meagan.”

  “Thank you, Leah. I really do want Douglas. I think I could love him, I just think he may be moving a little faster than me.”

  “Well, if you want him, you already have him and all will be right because he definitely wants you,” she said confidently.

  I arrived at the Stone-Field Culinary Institute fifteen minutes early. I sat in my car, trying to decide whether this was really a good idea or not. The rev of a motorcycle engine and then the quiet that followed broke me from my thoughts, turning my attention to the parking lot. Ashton’s familiar frame was climbing off a sleek solid black motorcycle. I noticed his normally shaggy hair was freshly buzzed as he pulled the helmet from his head. He turned as he put his helmet on the seat and smiled suspiciously with a raised brow as he noticed me in my car watching him. A blush crept up my neck at being caught.

  He stalked toward me, maintaining the suspicion in his grin. I pulled my keys from the ignition, grabbed my purse and opened the door.

  “You were thinking of leaving, weren’t you?”

  “No,” I lied.

  “Yeah, sure. Come on.” He extended his hand out for me to take. “Meagan, I promise not to cross any lines. I don’t expect you to cheat on your boyfriend. In fact, I wouldn’t allow anything to happen between us. I like thinking of you as innocent and pure,” he said sincerely.

  My heart plummeted. I wasn’t innocent and pure anymore. And he just told me he wants to be friends. I took a steadying breath as I stalked toward the building, leaving him behind. I can do this, I can do this, I silently chanted to myself. I can be friends with Ashton.

  Once Chef Frank got us started, he left Ashton and me on our own. We laughed and talked about Owen and Phillip. Turned out my big brother was hiding that Ashton had spent a lot of time in Nashville in the last year. Ashton, Phillip and Owen sounded like quite the troublesome trio by the way Ashton was talking.

  Chef Frank came by again, flirting with me and chastising Ashton. He gave himself away when I caught him checking out Ashton’s ass. He acted indifferent to being caught, casting a devilish smile followed by a wink before going to the older ladies in the kitchen next to us.

  “So what’s Douglas’s story?” Ashton asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve called him Doug twice and he’s corrected me both times.”

  I shrugged, feeling awkward talking about my boyfriend with him. “I don’t know, he’s just not into abbreviated names I guess. He’s never rude about it, though.”

  “No, he’s a
nice guy. I’ve tried to hate him and can’t.” He laughed softly as he grated cheese.

  “Why have you tried to hate him?” I asked, looking directly at him.

  He looked up, studying me with a tightened jaw. “He has something that is mine.” His eyes held mine hostage for another minute before I was finally able to peel them away, feeling burned.

  We remained quiet for another ten minutes. Like anytime we were together, I was hyper aware of where he was and I purposely kept my distance.

  “So he never calls you Meg?” he asked, breaking the silence.

  “Nope.”

  “I think I just found my new name for you.” He winked before sticking his finger in the sauce I was working on. “Shit, Meg, that’s really good!” he said with surprise.

  “Thanks for all that confidence,” I teased.

  We enjoyed our playful banter back and forth, forgetting the unease. After we’d ate our homemade lunch and boxed up the leftovers, we were off to go our separate ways.

  “Here,” Ashton said, handing me his portion of our meal in the parking lot.

  “You need to take it home and eat it.”

  “I can’t take it on my bike,” he said, pointing to the motorcycle parked near my car.

  “Can’t you strap it on somewhere?” I asked, eyeing his motorcycle.

  “You can take it home and save it for me. Maybe I’ll come over for dinner one night and you can heat it up and I’ll pretend to be impressed with your cooking skills,” he said with his lopsided grin.

  My stomach rolled with butterflies imagining having him over for dinner in my apartment “That’s probably not a good idea, Ashton. I don’t know how Douglas would like it.” My tone carried a sadness I hadn’t intended.

  He studied me for a minute with a clenched jaw before he nodded. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” He lifted his helmet over his head, swung his leg over the seat and started the bike. “I’ll talk to you later,” he mumbled through the roar of the engine as he crept his bike backward with his legs.

  As I stood there watching him pull into traffic and eventually out of sight, all the mixed signals he was sending stirred around my head. I climbed into my SUV, wondering if I could really be friends with Ashton Harris.

  THE REST OF THE WEEK crawled by. I was off tonight and Douglas arrived promptly at six o’clock for movie night. These were always interesting because of our vast difference in movie preference.

  “Dinner smells fantastic, what is it?” he asked as his nose led him to the kitchen.

  “Baked ziti with Italian sausage and Pomodoro sauce, fresh garlic bread and salad,” I finished with a satisfied grin.

  “That sounds almost as good as it smells,” he said as he pulled me close but paused, silently asking for permission before kissing me. I leaned into him, sealing my lips over his. Once we broke our connection, he smiled sweetly at me and caressed my face with his thumb.

  “I love you, Meagan.”

  His declaration shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. My gaze immediately cast downward, unable to reciprocate. I saw his body wilt with disappointment before quickly recovering. He hooked his finger under my chin, tilting my eyes toward his.

  “It’s okay. I’ll be here when you’re ready,” he said, studying my glassy eyes. He lowered his mouth and without asking permission this time, pressed his lips softly against mine.

  Douglas didn’t allow that awkward moment to change the direction of the night. He held me while we watched the movie just like he did every time we watched a movie at my place. But his declaration continued to swarm through my mind. Feeling confident that I could get this right, I shifted, climbing into his lap. He looked surprised by my forwardness and I was too. I wanted to feel close to him, I wanted to love him.

  “You’re beautiful, Meagan,” he murmured over my neck as he placed light kisses along my exposed collarbone.

  I could feel the growth of his erection against my body as I straddled him tighter, pushed my body closer to his. As I hooked his earlobe into my mouth, he groaned with pleasure. His hands traveled up my sides and rested in the center to unbutton my shirt. As he peeled away the fabric, allowing it to fall to the floor, he ran his finger over the outline of my tattoos. A set of three delicate birds flew across my ribcage to symbolize my freedom to soar without the control of my dominating parents. Each time I saw it, I realized I was free to live my life and not the life they carved out for me.

  “This is so exotic and such a surprise. I would never have believed it if you hadn’t shown them to me.” He smiled, locking his eyes on mine.

  I smiled as I bent to kiss him. He ran his fingers through my hair and down my neck. His soft touch traced the crest of my breasts above the lace trim of my bra. I watched him as he studied the delicate drag of his own fingertips. He was watching them with such awe, captivated by their path as if they were moving on their own accord. They traveled their way up my sides, over my neck before caressing my face. His eyes flicked to mine as he smiled lovingly at me. His darkened desire filled hazel eyes bore into mine, but the look wasn’t lust; it was admiration. The pad of his thumb grazed my cheek ever so softly.

  “I am the luckiest man in the world to share these moments with you. Thank you for that.”

  He leaned forward, sliding us both off the couch and carried me to the bedroom where he made love to me with all the emotion and feeling of his words.

  Douglas left early the next morning, but this time I didn’t pretend to be asleep. I got up and made us breakfast while he was in the shower.

  “Ugh,” Leah groaned as we walked into the deli. Our hopes of being seated fast were shattered when we were greeted with a wall of people. We had a two-hour break before we had to be back for rehearsals and she wasn’t getting any happier. “I’m starving, Meagan.”

  “I know, but I don’t have any way to get us seated faster,” I said sympathetically. Leah was eating enough for three lately. Other than her growing basketball shaped belly, she was still thin as a rail, so I continually questioned where she was putting it all.

  She leaned against my shoulder as we waited.

  My phone whistled so I stirred to get it.

  1 New Text Message –Ashton

  ‘Just got back. Need to see you’

  My stomach instantly fluttered. It had been six days since he’d drove out of that parking lot. Part of me was angry, and part of me was happy to hear from him.

  “Ashton?” Leah asked curiously.

  “Yeah, how’d you know?”

  “I just did. Text him back, I have to potty.” She smiled sweetly.

  “Potty?” I questioned, realizing a little too loudly when people turned my direction. She smiled over her shoulder but kept walking toward the back of the restaurant.

  ‘Where’ve you been? I was worried’

  ‘Family drama. Where are you?’

  ‘I’m with Leah, we have to go back to work in an hour and half’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘Broadway Diner’

  ‘K’

  I slid my phone back in my purse.

  “What did Rockstar want?” Leah asked when she returned.

  “Nothing really. To say hi, I guess.” I shrugged, trying to seem unaffected. She didn’t reply, just eyed me thoroughly. We waited another ten minutes before Leah and I started discussing plan B for lunch.

  “There’s a hot dog cart outside.”

  Leah wrinkled her nose at my suggestion.

  “Hey, baby girl!” I heard the smooth voice say from behind me. Leah’s face brightened and her posture straightened.

  I turned and my eyes worked feverishly to take all of him in. Through the opening of his black leather jacket, a white shirt stretched to cover the hard defined ridges of his chest muscles. A thick black belt looped through a worn pair of low rise fitted jeans that sat atop his black boots. He looked like he should be on a magazine cover. My eyes eventually made their way to his. His cocky grin was securely in place, telling me I wasn’t
as subtle as I’d hoped. I smiled trying to hide my embarrassment.

  He laughed genuinely and wrapped me in his arms playfully. His smell almost buckled my knees. Always the same and always comforting.

  I forgot Leah was there until she cleared her throat. I pulled myself from Ashton, feeling guilty. “Leah, this is my friend, Ashton.” While they exchanged pleasantries, I tried to calm my wildly beating heart.

  “Did you put your name on the list?” he asked.

  “Ugh, like thirty minutes ago,” Leah said exasperated as she rubbed her belly.

  Ashton glanced down at the basketball shape, held up a finger and went to the hostess station. He whispered something to her and she lit up, giggling as she looked our way. She nodded and took off toward the back of the restaurant. Ashton looked at Leah and me with a wink before looking through the dining room.

  The hostess came back, grabbed three menus and signaled with her hand to follow. Ashton held out his arm, allowing Leah and me to lead the way. The hostesses’s eyes lingered a little too long on Ashton as he removed his jacket and pushed up his long sleeves to display his forearms.

  “How’d you do that?” Leah asked in awe once the hostess had walked away.

  “I’m Ashton fucking Harris.” He laughed. “No really, I told her I couldn’t keep the mother of my child waiting any longer and that if she didn’t have anything now we’d have to go elsewhere.” He laughed again. Leah’s mouth hung agape. “Hope that’s not a problem,” he said with a raised eyebrow.

  “Shit, I’d lay down right here and make another baby with you if it meant getting me fed faster.” She laughed, picking up her menu.

  Ashton looked at me with an approving smirk. ‘I like her’ he mouthed before he picked up his own menu.

  My phone whistled from the nightstand the next morning with a text.

  1 New Text Message -Aston

  ‘Tomorrow morning at 11:00 we will rendezvous at Stone-Field’

  His cryptic text, although odd, instantly brought a smile to my face.

  ‘Is this your way of saying we have a cooking lesson tomorrow?’

  ‘Yes, we will rendezvous at 11:00.’