Numb

by Lynn Rider

  Ashton pecked my cheek chastely. “Come here first. These are the photos from the golf tournament and the ball. There are some of this smoking chic in a red gown that you have to see.” He smiled deviously.

  “Where’s the food? He’s made me look at those three times already,” Austin said as the pictures Ashton was laying out on the coffee table.

  “There’s bruschetta and toast on the counter,” I called out as he made his way into the kitchen.

  Ashton and I scrutinized every picture, laughing at some. “We would have made a much more beautiful couple that night if I weren’t wearing that cast,” I said pensively as I studied great picture after great picture that was ruined by my arm.

  He looked down at me. “Are you kidding? You’re the most beautiful woman in the room, with or without that cast.” He kissed my nose before hopping to his feet. “Let’s eat,” he commanded, taking my hand and leading me to the kitchen to get dinner from the oven.

  “I want to ask you both something,” Austin said seriously.

  “Okay.” I smiled.

  He turned to Ashton. “I’m speaking tomorrow night down at the center. I’d like you to come, Ashton. It would mean a lot to me if you were there.”

  “Austin, I’ll be anywhere you need me. You know that.”

  Austin nodded before turning his attention to me. “Meagan, you weren’t around when I was fucking up, but you’re here now. In the short time I’ve known you, I’ve come to love you like a sister and would really like you to be there too.”

  I nodded, stalling while I attempted to rid my throat of the lump that instantly built with his words. I cleared my throat.

  “I’ll be there.”

  “I’m still not sure how we got roped into doing their grocery shopping,” I said playfully as I entered Ashton’s empty apartment with Dave.

  “That was all you, girl. I just go where you go.” He put the bags down and headed toward the door. He turned on his heel. “I’m not putting them away, so I suggest you stay here while I get the rest.”

  “Yes, sir.” He paused and glanced back. “Don’t get used to that,” I added wryly. He let out a boisterous laugh as he left the apartment.

  My purse fell open when I sat it down.

  1 Missed Call – Leah

  I called her number.

  “Hey, I called you hours ago. Where are you?”

  “I’m at Ashton’s. Dave and I somehow got nominated to do their grocery shopping and let me tell you, the list wasn’t short!” I laughed as I began putting things away.

  “Listen, I know you don’t get all caught up on the tabloids and celebrity gossip anymore, but are you sitting down?”

  “No, I’m putting all these groceries away. Do I really need to hear it?”

  “I think you might.”

  “Okay, let me have it.”

  “Meagan, promise me you’ll talk to him before you do anything really stupid. It’s probably bullshit lies like all the other stuff is, but I would want to know. That’s why I’m telling you.”

  “Okay, Leah. I promise. Let me hear it.”

  “There was a woman on one of those celebrity gossip shows saying she’s having Ashton’s baby.”

  I laughed. After several long minutes, I controlled it. “Leah, that’s absurd. I’m not going to even respond to that.”

  “Okay, I just wanted you to know. So when are you going to come see Luke? He’ll be driving before you come for a visit,” she mocked me, changing the subject.

  “It’s not my fault you never bring your kid around.”

  “It wasn’t exactly proper to bring a baby to a golf tournament or a ball.” She laughed. “I’ll make dinner, how about tonight?”

  “I can’t tonight. Ashton and I going to something with Austin.”

  “Something good?”

  “I don’t really know. This is all new to me. He’s speaking tonight where he’s been volunteering and asked that we come.”

  “He’s been doing really good hasn’t he?”

  “Yeah.” I smiled.

  Ashton and I settled into seats in the back row. His clammy hand was tightly gripped around mine with an intense hold that I didn’t dare let go of, and his leg bobbed unconsciously up and down. He was nervous.

  “He’s been crawling, now let’s watch him walk.” I leaned in and whispered.

  The worry line across the bridge of his nose disappeared and a soft smile spread across his face. “I love you,” he said, kissing my forehead.

  An older man took the small platform in the front of the room and cleared his throat. “Thank you for coming, ladies and gentlemen. Most of you know how this works, but I see a few new faces, so I’ll explain briefly. This is a no judge zone. What is said in this room is not to be taken for granted. The words spoken by anyone who wishes to speak are the feelings, the regrets and the hopes of the individual speaking them. We will be respectful of those words at all times. We don’t follow scripts or take assigned turns. If you want to speak and the floor is open, you take it. If you don’t want to speak, you don’t have to. With that, I’ll open the floor.”

  Austin was the first to step to the small platform and sit in the chair. He rested his forearms along his thighs and looked at the floor. His leg was bobbing up and down, matching his brother’s. He slowly lifted his gaze from the floor and looked into the audience. His eyes landed on Ashton and Austin exhales, offering a weak smile. Both Ashton and I smiled in return.

  “I didn’t have anything growing up, but I never recognized that because of my older brother. He provided love, support, an ass beating every now and then.” Austin laughed lightly. “I had great friends. No, I have great friends. We had dreams of being the best rock band in the world and we were on our way. I was on my way until I thought I was unbeatable. My life was on the fast track and there was no stopping me. I had the love of my life by my side, a bright career ahead of me and lots of money being pushed my way. There was nothing I couldn’t conquer until the most important piece of my perfect world stepped out of it. I couldn’t cope, so to soothe myself I drank and drank until that wasn’t enough. Eventually, I added drugs to my cocktail. I swallowed them, snorted them, injected them … anything to stop the pain of losing her.”

  He looked to the other side of the audience for a moment before resting his eyes back on Ashton. “I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to clean up my life during that dark period, but I was powerless. The once unbeatable kid from the ghetto of St. Louis was beaten by it all. My brother swooped in to my rescue and to my friend’s rescue. He gave up his dreams for mine, for theirs. I vowed to him and all of them that I would get clean and I did, but I didn’t stay that way. And again, I got clean and didn’t stay that way. Not letting down my brother, my friends, losing the only woman I’ve ever loved, or even coming close to death by way of overdose could rattle me enough to stay straight.”

  Austin glanced toward the front of the room where we sat and I noticed Dave sitting in the first chair against the wall. “My brother is still rescuing me, but he’s changed and I can’t help but to think it’s because of the love of the incredible woman he has by his side. Together they inspire me to want to be better, to give back for all the wrongs I’ve done. Recently he allowed me to step into what my former life would have been and let me tell you, it was a hell of a lot sweeter than anything I lived while high. I plan on renewing my promise to him and to my friends because even if I can’t live that life with them, another door will open and there is something just as good waiting for me.”

  He stood from the chair and met Ashton in the walkway. They threw their arms around one another as Austin cried. Ashton murmured something in his ear, and Austin nodded and walked out. Ashton reached for my hand with glassy eyes and led me toward the lobby where Austin was getting himself together.

  Austin hugged me tight. “Thank you for loving my brother,” he murmured in my ear before releasing me. I nodded, but before I could speak Dave came crashing out of the room.r />
  “That was some emotional shit,” he called out as he went for Austin and gathered him into his huge arms.

  “CAN YOU SLICE THIS onion?” Ashton slid the cutting board and knife across the counter.

  “Thick or thin?” I asked, cutting the ends off and peeling the outer skin away.

  “Thick or thin?”

  “Yeah, what’s it for? Do you want me to slice it thin or in thick slices?”

  “Seeing as how you like it thick, let’s go thick.” He waggled his brows. I laughed and my mind drifted to Leah with her cucumber, banana or hot dog test.

  “What’s that smile for?”

  “Nothing, just thinking of Leah.”

  “Have you talked to her lately?”

  “She called yesterday when I was lugging all your groceries around.”

  “Well, to hear it told by Dave, it was him who lugged all of them.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. He let me carry your eggs. I was actually putting them away when I saw I’d missed her call and called her back. She told me the funniest thing. She said there’s some woman out there claiming to be pregnant with your baby.” I slid the cutting board across the counter to him.

  His face was washed of all color.

  My heart dropped into my stomach and a lump formed. “Ashton, please, no …”

  He put down the spoon he was holding, turned off the gas burner, and walked around the island. I jumped when he reached for me. “Don’t touch me,” I cried.

  “Please, Meagan, hear me out.” His voice was riddled with pain and his eyes were glassy with moisture. He stood idly watching me carefully, but made no attempt to come closer. I saw his throat clench with each heavy swallow.

  “I don’t remember her.”

  “Oh God!” I buried my head in my hands.

  “Please, Meagan, listen to me. I need you to listen to me,” he said sternly. “I had an attorney contact my agent a couple of weeks ago. We dismissed it at first. It’s not the first time this has happened to someone in my position. When I said I don’t remember her, I mean it. She’s claiming to be about five months pregnant. When you shut me out of your life—”

  “So this is my fault!” I interrupted.

  “No, that’s not what I was getting at. What I’m trying to say is when you shut me out it hurt, Meagan. I tried not to fall into my old patterns and mostly I didn’t.”

  “What does that mean, mostly?”

  “I wasn’t an angel, Meagan. That’s what it means! Do you need me to spell it out for you? I got drunk, but I’m telling you that I feel in my gut that’s not my baby.”

  “And her gut that is growing every day says that it is!”

  Ashton sighed heavily. “Please just stand by me on this, Meagan. I need you,” he pleaded quietly.

  “I don’t know if I can.” My eyes met his. One lone tear overflowed from his glassy eyes and traveled down his cheek. “I need some time to think. I’ve dreamed of having a family with you, Ashton, but someone else’s kid wasn’t part of it.” I walked from the kitchen, grabbed my purse and left.

  After circling the streets of Manhattan for hours trying to clear my head and think rationally, there was only one person I wanted to talk to about it. I found comfort and a small sense of strength in my decision as I pulled into my parking place.

  I took a deep breath when I unlocked the door and walked in. He was sitting on the chair in the semi-darkness. I could see his surprise register when he looked up to see me enter.

  “Meagan?” He breathed as he got up and came to me. He paused before finally reaching out and wrapping me in his arms. “I thought I lost you,” he whispered softly in my hair.

  The thought of no more Meagan and Ashton made me weep harder. “I can’t let her take you from me,” I cried out.

  “Babe, she was never going to take me from you. I love you, Meagan Chambers, only you. It will only ever be you,” he said softly as he raised my tear-stained face toward his. Using his thumbs, he wiped my tears as he searched my eyes. “I’m not going anywhere. God, I thought you’d left me,” he said again painfully before he wrapped me in his arms tightly against his body.

  After several minutes, Ashton’s gravelly voice broke through the silence.

  “We need to talk about it. I need you to know what I know. It’s important that we talk about how we’re feeling every step of the way, Meagan. That means you have to talk to me when you’re scared, hurt, angry … whatever is going on in that pretty little head of yours, I want to know.”

  “Okay.” I took a slow, deep breath.

  “Do you want to sit out here or at the table?”

  “I want to go to bed. I need you to hold me.”

  He wrapped his arm around me and led the way to his bedroom. He helped me on the bed, taking my boots off for me. I lay on top of the comforter and he climbed in next to me, holding me tightly against him. He took a deep breath before he began.

  “This woman’s attorney contacted my agent about two weeks ago. As soon he called me, I told him no way and I called Jim, my attorney. Jim sent a fairly stern letter about the repercussions of her accusations. Late last week, we received a letter back from her attorney detailing my obligations as the father. It demanded that I pay for all medical expenses up to this point and going forward. Jim put another letter together this week demanding a paternity test be done. We haven’t heard back yet.”

  “You said earlier tonight this is common. Has this happened to you before?”

  “No, but it has to Kyle several times. Only one of his went all the way to a paternity test at Kelly’s insistance.”

  “Why? Did she not believe him?”

  “No, Kelly knows when Kyle is lying. It was to prove a point. Kyle had three allegations within a two-year period. She was tired of it. She had him demand the paternity test, and when the woman declined and tried to drop her case, Kelly sued her for slander. Kyle hasn’t had another allegation since.”

  “What’s going to happen if it’s your baby, Ashton?”

  He sighed heavily. “I don’t know.”

  “What time if your photo shoot, bro?” Austin asked as he walked to the refrigerator.

  “I need to leave in fifteen. I’m picking up Trevor on the way. What do you have planned today?” Ashton asked Austin.

  “I was hoping Meagan could go shopping with me. I need some warm clothes and then I want to tour that gym down the block. I need to work out, I’m getting flabby.”

  “Keep eating shit like that for breakfast and you’ll get more than flabby,” Ashton teased, pointing to the bag of cookies in Austin’s hand.

  “I’ve got to have some vice!” He put the bag back in the cabinet.

  “I’ll go, but I have to shower first and that takes me a little longer than normal these days.” I lifted my casted arm.

  “That’s fine. I have nowhere to be until tonight. When are you getting that thing taken off anyway?”

  “A few more weeks.” I jumped from the stool and started toward the bedroom.

  “Damn it,” I cursed the plastic, unable to cover my cast one handed.

  “Let me help you.” Ashton came into the bathroom to help me wrap it.

  “I should have gotten the kind you can get wet.”

  “Only three more weeks and it will only be a memory.”

  “A shitty memory,” I said snidely. His eyes flashed up to mine quickly and I saw pain. “I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just not been a pleasant time. Let’s not revisit that. I’m just coming to terms with it.”

  “You’re right. I somehow keep making a lot of shitty memories for you. First you get physically attacked, and now you’re being emotionally attacked with this pregnancy allegation. I’m sorry, Meagan.” He tugged at the plastic. “I think you’re set. Do you need me to wash your hair?” he asked, opening the glass door of the shower.

  “No.”

  “I’ll see you later then.” He shut the door, turned on his heel and left the bathroom, quietly closing the door b
ehind him.

  As the hot water trickled down my hair and body, I wondered if we were strong enough to make it through this. A lump formed in my throat, but I quickly swallowed it down and washed it away with the water.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Austin asked for the third time since we’d left the apartment.

  “Yes and no. I’m sure you’ve heard about Ashton’s alleged baby.”

  “He told me, he’s beside himself with anger and regret.” He shook his head.

  “I don’t know how to handle it. It happened when we weren’t even together, but it skews our future from anything as I imagined it.”

  “That’s true for both of you. Ashton has been talking about a future with you since he’s been talking about you.” He chuckled softly.

  “I guess we’re in this together then.” I sighed.

  “I sure hope so, Meagan. He loves you and all he wants is to make you happy. I don’t know what was said between you two in the bedroom this morning, but he looked discouraged when he walked out of his apartment today.”

  “I know, I mentioned the memory of my cast will be a shitty one.”

  “Well, there’s no denying that.” He scoffed.

  “How’s the volunteering going?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “Good, I think I’m making a difference. At least I’m making a difference for myself anyway. If one person can hear my story, and it make a difference to save them from some of the hell that I’ve lived, then it’s worth all the hours there.”

  “I’m proud of you and I know Ashton is too.”

  “Thanks. He’s the most important person in my world. I have to change, if for no one else, him.”

  “Austin, you need to do it for yourself. You said it yourself the other night, living is so much better than not. When you’re under the influence of something you’re really not living.”

  “I know, I know, Mom.” He laughed as he parked the car.

  “Where to first?”

  “The food court of course.” He pulled me by the hand toward the mall entrance.

  “I can’t believe you put that shit in your body,” I said as I put my tray down at the table and sat across from him.