People Skills_How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts

by Robert Bolton PhD

  Clothing, grooming, and environment. The way a person dresses and grooms herself and the environment she selects or creates for herself is part of her message about herself to the world. The clean-shaven man in a pinstripe suit and conservative tie suggests a different life-style from that of a bearded, long-haired young man in faded jeans, T-shirt, and sandals. The appearance of a young woman who goes to the hairdresser every week and wears a classical cut of clothes communicates a very different impression than does the woman the same age who goes braless, wears jeans most of the time, and applies no makeup.

  The location and style of a person’s residence and the way she furnishes it—these also communicate something about a person. Though offices and other work spaces are often less susceptible than residences to personal influence, each person usually manages to put her personal stamp on that space in one way or another. The desk may be clean or cluttered. The space may be task-centered or people-oriented. The area may be spartan or aesthetic.

  Read Nonverbals in Context

  Much of the popular literature on body language is misleading when it suggests that certain gestures can be counted on to have specific and reliable meanings. In contrast, leading authorities claim that no gesture, in and of itself, has a specific meaning. No single motion ever stands alone. It is always part of a pattern and its meaning is best understood in context. A specific gesture is like a word in a paragraph. The word can have many meanings, but only in the context of the paragraph or chapter can we accurately understand its intended meaning. To a much greater extent, the meaning of a gesture becomes more understandable when it is viewed as a part of the larger pattern in which it occurs. Eisenberg and Smith write:

  Most words have only a few meanings, depending on who is using them in which circumstances. But the wrinkling of a nose is a sign which can have a thousand different meanings, each of which is dependent upon the set of signs which accompany it, the personality of the wrinkler, and the context of the wrinkling. For this reason, it is hard to assign general meaning to any isolated nonverbal sign, even though a specific meaning in a particular context is obvious. We would hazard no guess about what nose wrinkling means in general, but few people in the course of a conversation would take umbrage at a sentence such as, “Joan is wrinkling her nose because she can’t stand the smell of fried mushrooms.”

  Not only does a particular gesture need to be seen in the context of other body movements, it should be related to the person’s words, too. If we listen only to words or only to body language, we are apt to receive a distorted impression. The goal of the effective listener is to receive cues from the whole person.

  Note Discrepancies

  You have probably noted occasions when a person’s words communicated one message but her nonverbals suggested a very different meaning. The lyrics of an old song describe this kind of discrepancy: “Your lips tell me ‘no, no,’ but there’s ‘yes, yes,’ in your eyes.”

  I once witnessed a conversation in which a wife said to her husband, “You seem upset with me.” His face flushed red, he clenched his fist, pounded the table, and shouted, “I am not angry.” His wife found her husband’s body language more convincing than his words!

  On the other hand, there are times when the body language is a smokescreen designed to hide the poignancy of the words a person hardly dares to speak. Some of the saddest utterances I have ever heard have been accompanied by the speaker’s cover-up laugh. I have heard dozens of people tell the deepest griefs of their lives while cloaking their anguished feelings with a chuckle. When people hear the laugh and the tragic content, they are usually caught off guard or choose to avoid facing the pain. They typically laugh with the person. This behavior is so common in our society that we even have a phrase to describe it. The person who deals with sorrows this way is “laughing it off.”

  Actually, when there is a discrepancy between words and body language, both messages are important. When a woman’s lips say, “no, no,” but there is “yes, yes,” in her eyes—it probably means that she is experiencing conflict between her desire to express affection and some “ought” or reservation that tells her to hold back. When a man shouts loudly that he is not angry, it may be that he does not want to admit these feelings to himself and/or others. When a person laughs as she tells of a personal tragedy, it may mean that she wants to share this part of her life but doesn’t want to burden the other person—and/or she may be ambivalent about discovering and sharing her depth of feelings on the topic. Of course, there may be other meanings besides the ones I suggested. The point is that when there is a discrepancy between a person’s words and nonverbals (or between two aspects of body language), it is helpful to search for the meanings in each of the channels of communicatioon.

  Be Aware of Your Own Feelings

  and Bodily Reactions

  Sigmund Freud noted that “the unconscious of one human being can react upon that of another without passing through the consciousness.” Much of that type of communication is transmitted through body language. These nonverbal communications can bypass the listener’s conscious mind and still trigger responses in her body. By becoming more aware of what my body is experiencing, I can often be more sensitive to what other people are feeling.

  One family therapist says that the atmosphere in a troubled family is easy to feel. When she is with such a family, she quickly senses her own discomfort. The atmosphere may be cold and icy, polite and boring, or very wary—as if waiting for an angry explosion. In those situations, the therapist’s body develops its own discomfort. When her stomach feels queasy, her shoulders ache, or her head begins to throb, she tunes into those feelings and becomes more alert to what is happening in that family.

  I was once with a teenager whose father launched into a twenty-minute verbal attack on the boy. I knew that most of the things the father was saying were not true. There was no opportunity for dialogue between father and son—there was just one long tirade. My whole body became tense; my stomach was upset. When I focused on the discomfort of my body, I was better able to understand what the young man was experiencing.

  The therapist Frieda Fromm-Reichman devised a method that helped her sense what her clients were feeling. She knew that posture and body movement were clues to her clients’ emotions. So she would sensitively try to match her clients’ posture and gestures with her own body. Fromm-Reichman focused on what she was feeling when she assumed the client’s position and her understanding of that client increased greatly. I am one of the many listeners who have used that method with much success. Obviously the listener must be sensitive about the manner in which she mirrors the other’s position. When done clumsily or callously, it can be seen by the speaker as a put-down.

  REFLECT THE FEELINGS

  BACK TO THE SENDER

  As a reflective listener, once you have discerned the feelings of the speaker by reading her body language, you will normally try to reflect them back to the speaker in your own words. In the process of verbalizing what you think the other may be feeling, several things may be achieved. First, you check on the accuracy of your assumptions about the other’s feelings. Secondly, you may help the speaker become more aware of the feelings she is experiencing. Thirdly, your reflection encourages the other to speak about the feeling part of her situation. Fourthly, when the speaker hears her feelings reflected back by an accepting listener, she usually feels understood. The loneliness she may be experiencing can be diminished by the empathic response. Finally, if the person chooses to speak deeply and freely about her feelings, there may be a catharsis that brings about a release from tension and an emotional and/or spiritual renewal.

  When Marion’s husband, George, came home from work, he slumped into his chair and said in halting words and despondent voice, “Well, I finished that project I’ve been working on for the past two weeks.” Marion recalled that before she began to pay increased attention to body language, she would have missed the whole point by responding, “Well, I’m glad that�
��s behind you. Now maybe we can have supper on time for a while.” This time was different. Marion noted her husband’s nonverbals, sat facing him, and responded, “Even though it’s completed, something is wrong and you’re not satisfied.” In that atmosphere of understanding and empathy, George began to talk about his frustration at work. They communicated at a depth they had seldom reached in their eight years of marriage.

  A CLEAR BUT CONFUSING

  LANGUAGE

  Through the centuries, popular figures of speech have developed that coincide with the language of the body. Fearful people are said to be “frozen with terror.” Angry people sometimes “tremble with rage.” Belligerent people are apt to “bare their teeth.” Reserved people seem “standoffish.” Confident people are “bursting with enthusiasm” or “swollen with pride.” Determined people “grit their teeth.” When trying to control their feelings, people “keep a stiff upper lip.” In spite of their efforts to hide their shame, some people “flush with embarrassment.” The prominence of these clichés in our language suggests that we all have some expertise in reading body language.

  Yet most of us can improve. We can focus more attention on the other’s body language. We can read its meaning more sensitively. We can feed our perceptions back to the other with greater skill and empathy.

  For most people, body language is a paradox. Sometimes nonverbals are so clear that nearly everyone can read them accurately. At other times, body language can be very difficult to decipher. People often misinterpret the meaning of the “silent language,” and when they do not bother to check out their interpretation, alienation or conflict may be generated needlessly.

  Commenting on the paradoxical state of the art of reading body language, Edward Sapir said it seems to operate “in accordance with an elaborate and secret code that is written nowhere, known by none, and understood by all.” Though the paradox will doubtless remain, the reader’s increased attention to decoding nonverbals can effect a significant improvement in her communication.

  SUMMARY

  Since so much of interpersonal communication is nonverbal, the reading of body language is one of the most important skills of effective listening. The nonverbal elements of communication are especially important in understanding the other person’s feelings. People often try to conceal their feelings by controlling their nonverbals. This is usually less successful than attempts at verbal camouflage; the emotions usually “leak” through our efforts to regulate nonverbal expression. Several guidelines foster improved “reading” of body language:

  Focus attention on the most helpful clues•facial expression, vocal expression, and posture, gestures and “actions.”

  Read nonverbals in context.

  Note discrepancies.

  Be aware of your own feelings and bodily reactions.

  Body language is sometimes very clear and unambiguous. At other times, however, it can be difficult to decipher. When the listener appropriately reflects her understanding of the sender’s body language, communication can be improved significantly.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Improving Your

  Reflecting Skills

  I want to hear you accurately, so I’ll need to check out what I hear at crucial points to be as sure as I can that my meanings match your meanings. I get an inkling of what your meanings are from your words, your tone of voice, your face, gestures, and body movements. But it is only an inkling. I must check it out at times by replaying what I heard for your approval, until you agree that you have been heard.

  I want to hear deeply, clearly, accurately enough that I am able—to some real extent—to feel what you feel, hurt a bit where you hurt, and want for you the freedom to be all you are becoming.

  —David Augsburger

  There are some guidelines which, if followed, will make your reflections more accurate and helpful to the speaker. These will be the central focus of this chapter, which will also briefly explore what else the listener can do besides listen and will examine when reflective listening is and is not appropriate.

  GUIDELINES

  FOR IMPROVED LISTENING

  Once people have learned to attend to the speaker, follow his lead in the conversation, and reflect the essence of his content and/or feeling, they are ready to improve their reflecting skills. The following guidelines can help you become an even better listener.

  Don’t Fake Understanding

  There will be many times when you as a listener do not understand what the other person is saying. You may have daydreamed. You might be thinking of something that was said earlier in the conversation. The speaker may not be able to state clearly what he means. Though people commonly pretend that they are listening attentively and understand perfectly what is being said in those situations, I believe it is important not to be phony. Authenticity demands that the listener admit he is lost and then work to get back on the track again. “I seem to have lost you. Would you go over that once more?” “I was with you up to the point that your husband became sick. I’d like to hear again what happened next.”

  Don’t Tell the Speaker

  You Know How He Feels

  When people begin to listen reflectively, many say something like, “I know just how you feel.” There are several reasons why that is an inappropriate response. First, it is untrue. Our reading of another’s feelings is at best an approximation. No one can ever fully know what it is like to walk in another person’s shoes. Then too, that statement tends to block the speaker’s attempt to present the details that would facilitate more specific understanding. Finally, the speaker will tend to doubt that you understand as much as you say you do. It is seldom helpful to tell another that you understand—what is needed is a demonstration that you do in fact have some degree of understanding of his feelings. The goal is to perceive the speaker’s experience fairly accurately and reflect back in an accepting way that communicates nonverbally, “I’m with you.” Then, without your ever saying, “I know how you feel,” the other will sense, “He really understands me.”

  Vary Your Responses

  There is no one “right” response to a given statement. We have already noted that a person can respond with silence, with a “minimal encourage,” with a paraphrase, a reflection of meaning, or a summative reflection. We have seen how the wording of the formula for reflecting meanings can be altered slightly to make the response sound more natural. With practice, the formula can be obscured still more or dropped altogether.

  Let’s look at a statement and some of the possible reflective responses that would be appropriate. A woman in her late twenties complained to a friend, “My mother always butts into our affairs. I wish she would mind her own business.” Possible responses include:

  “It bugs you to have your mother interfere so much.“

  “You are annoyed that she intrudes in your life.”

  “Such an intrusion!”

  “When your mother intrudes on your personal life, you feel your independence and privacy are threatened.”

  “You wish she’d treat you like the grownup you are.”

  “You hate it that she keeps putting in her ‘two cents worth.’”

  Focus on the Feelings

  Charles Arribine visited his daughter’s college on Parent’s Weekend. When they had dinner alone, this conversation took place:

  Kristy: I don’t want to stay here. It’s too hard for me. I’m afraid I’ll flunk out. It would be awful to have to face my friends if I flunked out.

  Charles: The work is too difficult.

  Kristy: (Tears in her eyes now) I’m afraid I’ll flunk out.

  Charles totally ignored his daughter’s feelings. He began to tell her that the freshman year was always the toughest, that she was smart, and that she would be able to regroup herself and make it through the semester. The interaction ended with Kristy’s sobbing and going to the ladies’ room to compose herself.

  As he told me what happened, Charles said, “It wasn’t until Kristy was sobbing t
hat I remembered what you taught us about ‘the primacy of feeling in conversation.’ Kristy’s feeling words fell on deaf ears. There have been many interactions like that, but I’m finally learning to tune into the feeling part of conversation.”

  Choose the Most Accurate

  Feeling Word

  Emotions are the key to vital communication. In reflecting emotions, it is not only important to ascertain the right kind of emotion, but also the right degree of emotion. The feeling word should match the other’s experience. A man stood at the rim of the Grand Canyon for the first time, awed by the beauty of the constantly changing hues of red and purple. After a long silence, he turned to his wife and with eyes full of wonder and a sense of amazement in his voice said, “This is magnificent. It is sublime.”

  His wife responded, “You think it’s pretty.”

  It is a long emotional road from “magnificent” and “sublime” to merely “pretty.”

  The more accurate and specific the listener is in reflecting the other person’s feelings, the more helpful the listening tends to be. Unfortunately, most people have very limited feeling-word vocabularies. By preceding feeling-word adjectives with appropriate adverbs, you can communicate with some accuracy the degree or intensity of feeling:

  “You feel a little sad because your dog died.”

  “You feel quite sad over your dog’s death.”

  “You feel very sad that your dog died.”

  “You feel deeply sad since your dog died.”

  While adverbs like quite and very can be used to specify the degree of feeling, they are imperfect substitutes for an adequate feeling-word vocabulary. “You are heartbroken” or “You are depressed,” for example, tend to be better expressions of feeling than “You are extremely sad.”