People Skills_How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts

by Robert Bolton PhD

  One way of developing a more accurate feeling-word vocabulary is to read and reread a list of feeling words like the one that follows.

  affectionate

  angry

  annoyed

  betrayed

  blissful

  blue

  burdened

  charmed

  cheated

  cheerful

  condemned

  contented

  crushed

  defeated

  despairing

  distraught

  disturbed

  dominated

  eager

  empathetic

  energetic

  enervated

  exasperated

  fearful

  flustered

  foolish

  frantic

  guilty

  grief-stricken

  happy

  helpful

  high

  horrible

  hurt

  hysterical

  ignored

  imposed upon

  infuriated

  intimidated

  isolated

  jealous

  jumpy

  kind

  left out

  loving

  melancholy

  miserable

  nervous

  OK

  outraged

  peaceful

  persecuted

  pressured

  put upon

  rejected

  relaxed

  relieved

  sad

  satisfied

  scared

  shocked

  spiteful

  stunned

  stupid

  sympathetic

  tense

  terrible

  thwarted

  tired

  trapped

  troubled

  unfaired-against

  vulnerable

  wonderful

  worried

  weepy

  After doing that, you may wish to group “families” of feeling words according to levels of intensity. Figure 7.1 is a chart that will help you assign intensity levels to feeling words.

  When the other person relates facts about a difficult decision, the productive listener often reflects the feelings of ambivalence. Charlene Adams was just offered a promotion to a very challenging job. If she accepted the new job, however, business trips would take her away from her family for several days every month. As she described her dilemma to her pastor, he reflected, “You feel very torn about this decision.” This response enabled Charlene to explore her conflicted feelings at greater depth.

  Develop Vocal Empathy

  Empathy is listening with your heart as well as with your head. If the reflection of another’s statement is made in cold, matter-of-fact tones, the person will seldom feel understood.

  On the other hand, responsive sounds by themselves can demonstrate a high level of understanding. The composer Grieg set to music Ibsen’s poem “To a Waterfowl.” When Ibsen first heard the score, he gripped Grieg’s hand and whispered, “Understood! Understood!” A similar experience takes place when a sensitive listener captures the mood of the speaker and reflects this back through tone qualities as well as through words.

  There are two major aspects of voice quality to note. First is how much warmth is expressed by your voice. If it is harsh, sharp, and shrill, it is unlikely you will communicate caring acceptance and concern to the speaker. We sometimes ask people to think about how much they care for the person to whom they will be listening and then to think of him as burdened by some big problem. Then the listeners are to make wordless sounds to communicate their empathic feelings. When they do that, they normally reflect using low-pitched, full vocal tones in a slightly slowed pace of speech.

  LEVELS OF

  INTENSITY LOVE JOY STRENGTH SADNESS ANGER FEAR CONFUSION WEAKNESS

  Strong Adore

  Love

  Cherish

  Devoted

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Ecstatic

  Elated

  Overjoyed

  Jubilant

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Dynamic

  Forceful

  Powerful

  Mighty

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Desolate

  Anguished

  Despondent

  Depressed

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Violent

  Enraged

  Furious

  Angry

  Seething

  ___

  ___

  ___ Terrified

  Horrified

  Panicky

  Desperate

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Bewildered

  Disjointed

  Confused

  Muddled

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Crushed

  Helpless

  Done for

  Washed up

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___

  Mild Affection

  Desirable

  Friend

  Like

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Turned on

  Happy

  Cheerful

  Up

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Effective

  Strong

  Confident

  Able

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Glum

  Blue

  Sad

  Out of sort

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Mad

  Frustrated

  Aggravated

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Frightened

  Scared

  Apprehensive

  Alarmed

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Mixed-up

  Foggy

  Baffled

  Lost

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Powerless

  Vulnerable

  Inept

  Unqualified

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___

  Weak Trusted

  Accepted

  Cared for

  O.K.

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Glad

  Good

  Satisfied

  Contented

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Capable

  Competent

  Adequate

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Below par

  Displeased

  Disatisfied

  Low

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Irritated

  Annoyed

  Put out

  Perturbed

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Worried

  On edge

  Nervous

  Timid

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Undecided

  Unsure

  Vague

  Unclear

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___ Weak

  Ineffective

  Feeble

  ___

  ___

  ___

  ___

  Figure 7.1. Level of intensity. Feeling words grouped according to levels of intensity. Words have slightly different meanings for different people. You may wish to move some of the
words on the chart to a higher or lower level of intensity. Most words, however, convey approximately the same degree of intensity to most people. The blank spaces can be filled in with feeling words from Figure 7.1 (or other feeling words that come to mind).

  The listener’s tone of voice and manner should also reflect the tone of voice of the speaker. If a person speaks excitedly about some success in his life and the listener responds in a dull monotone voice, the tone of the reflection detracts even when the words are on target. After a woman’s outburst of anger about her husband’s unfaithfulness, the listener said, “His affairs make you furious.” The speaker’s manner of speaking and depth of emotionality are at least partly echoed in the listener’s response. (At the same time, overdoing the effect on the response is very inappropriate.)

  One of the problems of trying to learn communication skills from a book’s printed page is that the vocal quality is missing. Tape-recording some conversations and role playing to see how empathic your voice is when you are listening to another can be instructive.

  Strive for Concreteness

  and Relevance

  Much of the time when we opt to listen, the other person has a problem. The goal of listening in such a situation is to facilitate the speaker’s efforts to arrive at his own best solution to the problem. If the problem is discussed in vague generalities, it is difficult, if not impossible, to solve it. Vague solutions to vague problems do not lead to effective action.

  There are three ways the listener can foster increased concreteness in a conversation. First, he can be very concrete in his responses. Sometimes listeners give a vague response to very specific statements. Obviously, we should try to at least match the speaker’s level of concreteness in our responses. When the speaker is vague, however, the listener can reflect in a way that makes the conversation more concrete. In the following interaction, note the specificity of the listener’s response:

  Joan: I can’t go to that party. How can I face my friends? Trouble in a marriage is one thing. But separation—and now maybe divorce is too much.

  Helen: Going to the dinner party would hurt because of what your friends might think of you now that you are separated.

  Another way to foster concreteness in a conversation is to ask a few fact-finding or feeling-finding questions. “Could you give me an example?” (fact-finding). “How did you feel when she said that?” (feeling-finding).

  A third way to facilitate more concreteness in a conversation is to prevent the speaker from rambling. When the speaker becomes longwinded, he undermines the concreteness, the purposefulness, and the intensity of the interaction. If the listener punctuates the speaker’s ramblings with nods, minimal encourages, and the like, he reinforces the fruitless rambling. Even when one is basically in a listening role, the conversation can be purposeful dialogue.

  In order to respond frequently, it is sometimes necessary to interrupt the speaker. Many people find it ironic that good listening could involve interrupting the person doing the talking. It is possible, however, to interrupt the speaker’s flow of words with a brief reflection, without making the speaker lose his train of thought.

  When I as a listener interrupt rambling conversationalists with reflective responses, two things typically happen. After a few interruptions, the speaker and I develop a rhythm of speaking and reflection that promotes better conversation. Then, too, the speaker usually stops talking in circles and usually moves much more directly to the point.

  Provide Nondogmatic

  but Firm Responses

  The effective listener realizes that it is impossible to know another exactly. The best that is achievable is a reasonably correct but approximate understanding. For this reason, it is desirable to be continuously open-minded in seeking to understand the unique person to whom we are listening.

  The nondogmatic way we word our reflection and the inflection of our voice should make it easy for the speaker to say, “No, that’s not what I meant. Let me put it this way….” The listener then tries to reflect the second statement more accurately.

  While some novices at reflective listening make their reflections too dogmatically, more people make them excessively tentative. They often phrase their reflections as questions. Even when the reflections read like statements, the listener may raise his voice at the end of the sentence and thus turn it into a question. Excessive tentativeness in a listener is dysfunctional. Instead of mirroring a firm image of what he received from the other, the listener may merely demonstrate his own insecurity and unwillingness to risk a succinct and concrete reflection.

  There will be times, of course, when you are quite confused about what the speaker meant. At those times, it is appropriate to say something like, “I’m not sure what you meant. Was it _____ or _____ that you meant?”

  The effective listener can be tentative when appropriate, is not dogmatic, yet normally gives firm responses as befits a good “sounding board.”

  Reflect the Speaker’s Resources

  If the speaker is to resolve his problems, it is essential that he discover the resources available to handle these problems. The speaker may be so bogged down in problems that he is not aware of his resources even when he obliquely refers to them. The effective listener notes even the veiled reference to personal resources and reflects these back to the speaker:

  Oliver: I’m no good at numbers. I freeze whenever I work with them. I’m afraid I’m going to screw up this forecast by some miscalculation. If I could ever get on top of the figures I could do a good job because I can see the big picture and have been able to forecast trends quite accurately.

  Fritz: (focusing on weaknesses) Working with numbers is really difficult for you.

  Fritz: (focusing on resources) You are frustrated with the figuring for this report, but you are pleased with your ability to anticipate future market trends.

  A realistic focus on resources is extremely important. The basic characteristic of all troubled people is their sense of discouragement. The effective listener not only lightens the load of discouragement by listening acceptingly as the other talks, he listens for and reflects the speaker’s resources that provide hope and will enable the speaker to solve his problems.

  Reflect the Feelings That Are

  Implicit in Questions

  Many times, beginners at reflective listening are at a loss to know what to do when the speaker asks them a direct question. Their resolve to continue reflecting falters in the face of a question because in our society it is rare to allow queries to go unanswered. For example, Morris Recupero told me he was able to resist his temptation to give advice and was able to continue reflecting Sean MacCarthy’s meanings until Sean hit him with a question that was a definite request for advice.

  Sean: I’ve thought about this a lot and I just don’t know how to handle the situation. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

  Morris: Well, I was in your shoes in 1972. I did this…. It really worked for me.

  Later, he described the situation to me and said, “I know I used the advice roadblock then, but what can you do when someone makes a direct request for advice?”

  This is a problem that stumps many people who are just beginning to use reflective listening skills. One option is to try to decode what the other person’s question really means. What feeling lies behind it? Then reflect back the meaning. Morris and Sean’s conversation could have proceeded like this:

  Sean: I’ve thought about this a lot and I just don’t know how to handle this situation. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

  Morris: This one’s really got you stumped!

  Sean: It sure has. Maybe it’s because it is the toughest thing I have ever faced in my life.

  Let’s see how a couple of other listeners handle questions reflectively.

  Thad: It’s been a year now since the death of my wife. I’m still grief-stricken. Will I ever get over it?

  Dr. Brandon: You’re afraid you never will.

  Or:r />
  Carol: When I’m really nervous I laugh. Sometimes I can’t stop. Why do I do that?

  Mr. Terry: This reaction puzzles and concerns you.

  When the listener accurately reflects the feeling or meaning that lies behind the question, the speaker often forgets that he even asked a question and usually plunges into a deeper discussion of the matter and begins to grope toward a solution of his own devising.

  Sometimes, however, when the question is decoded and the meaning reflected to the speaker, the speaker becomes irritated and asks the question again. When this happens, the listener may explain that his role as a listener is to serve as a sounding board, not to give advice. The other may say, “But you have more experience, wisdom, … [etc.]. I really need your advice.” The listener committed to the reflective approach can reflect the other’s feelings and then explain why he does not choose to give advice. If the speaker chooses to continue, he may initiate the conversation, or the listener may summarize as a means of getting the conversation started again. Occasionally you may mutually agree to terminate the conversation.

  Accept That Many Interactions

  Will Be Inconclusive

  Many listeners are impatient. They want to solve lifelong problems in one session. If a person sees a psychiatrist about a problem, the psychiatrist may expect to work with the client for several months or even years before an adequate solution is discovered and implemented. If that same person brings the identical problem to his next-door neighbor, the neighbor will probably expect everything to be resolved before the late news on TV!

  Many times a person will discuss his problems with a spouse or friend and leave without any solution in sight. The speaker will often have greater insight into the problem and the alternatives facing him. He may need time to mull over these ideas and options before moving on to a firm decision.

  Though it can be frustrating for the listener to get involved with another and not see the problem resolved immediately, that kind of tension is part of the cost of being a creative listener.

  Reflect During Brief Interactions

  One of the most common complaints about reflective listening is that it takes a lot of time. No question about it—attentive listening can consume a great deal of time. There are three ways in which I, a busy, task-oriented person, look at the problem.

  First, I realize this is a value issue. If I really care for or am concerned about certain people, I know one of the demonstrations of my friendship is the amount and quality of time I devote to them. A value I hold is to spend more time listening to and disclosing to loved ones.