People Skills_How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts

by Robert Bolton PhD

  Second, I realize that this is an efficiency issue. When people are not heard and responded to, time can be saved in the short run, but in the long run, the resulting misunderstanding and alienation will often require far more time or take an enormous toll on efficiency. Experience has demonstrated that when employers do not take time to listen to employees, when salespersons do not understand their customers’ needs, and when teachers do not hear the concerns of their students, they are far less efficient in accomplishing their tasks. Listening often seems to be inefficient, but when there are strong needs, deep feelings, or important concerns, the refusal to listen is very detrimental and can result in wasted time, effort, and money.

  Finally, and very importantly, I realize that much reflective listening can be done in relatively short periods of time. I can listen with understanding without taking time out for an hour-long counseling session. A teacher noticed a student struggle unsuccessfully with a math problem and then slam his book shut. The teacher went to the student’s desk and reflected the nonverbals: “The assignment is very difficult and you are frustrated.” An employee who had been out sick is working under pressure. “It’s tough trying to catch up when you’re still not feeling well, isn’t it?” said a colleague. In a family that shares household chores, the husband seemed very tired as he cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes. His wife, who didn’t pitch in because she had a lot of ironing to do, commented, “It’s really tough to do the dishes after a hard day at work.” Sometimes a smile, a nod, a wink, or a pat on the back is all that is needed to communicate understanding. People who experiment with these brief reflections often decide to use them at least once daily either at home or at work or both.

  BEYOND REFLECTIVE LISTENING

  Persons learning the discipline of reflective listening often ask, “Is it ever appropriate to do anything beyond reflective listening when the other person has a problem or a strong need?” It is common to be too eager to abandon listening and seek quicker but often less effective ways of helping a person in need. There are times, however, when it is appropriate to use other methods in conjunction with listening.

  Subtractive, Interchangeable,

  and Additive Responses

  The kinds of responses listeners make range on a continuum from “subtractive” through “interchangeable” or “additive.” When the listener’s response does not demonstrate accurate comprehension of the other person, we call the response subtractive. When the listener reflects the real feelings and specific content of the speaker with approximately the same intensity that they were expressed, the response is termed interchangeable. When the listener makes several interchangeable responses and then goes beyond what the speaker communicated, the response is additive. Before making additive responses, the listener gets into the speaker’s frame of reference. Additive responses should relate to what the speaker has been saying about himself. They often help the speaker to see the world from a more objective point of view and/or to move more effectively into decision making and action.

  Additive responses are risky. Some of them can damage the relationship or even prove harmful to the other person. Some therapists believe that only professional counselors should use additive responses.

  I have found from my own experience and from observing others (including some of the most reputable therapists in our time) that additive responses, once used, can become addictive. The “listener” may “take over” the other’s problem. Instead of being a facilitator to help the other solve his own problems, the listener often ceases to be a listener and becomes instead an authority doling out advice or pressuring the other to do problem solving when he is not emotionally ready for it.

  While I recognize that additive responses are needed in many helping situations, I also recognize that they are often used inappropriately and inexpertly. A rule of thumb is: “When in doubt, leave additive responses out.”

  Building a Base

  for Additive Responses

  Many interchangeable responses by an effective listener build the base of trust and understanding before additive responses are used. When a person is in the midst of strong emotions, he is not psychologically ready to listen to anyone. Accurate and empathic reflections should always precede additive responses. Once additive responses have been made, the listener should rebuild the trust base by returning to a reflective-listening mode.

  How do you know when you have listened long enough to begin to use some additive responses? You should listen until you are able to:

  view the other’s situation from inside the speaker’s frame of reference: understand the speaker’s content, feelings, values, and so on;

  be sure that something other than continued listening is most appropriate; and

  figure out what possible next steps in the process might be most fruitful in facilitating the speaker’s solution of his problem.

  The speaker needs your continued reflective responses until he:

  moves beyond the presenting problem to the more basic problem;

  explores and begins to understand his basic problem;

  experiences the listener’s acceptance and accurate empathy—senses that the listener is with him;

  accepts himself and his feelings; and

  experiences a readiness to launch into the difficult phases of the process that can be facilitated by additive responses.

  Two Issues About

  Additive Responses

  Two issues are at stake in the question about whether and how much to use additive responses. One is a value issue—to what degree, if any, is it appropriate for me to try to mold and shape another person’s life when he is wrestling with a problem? The other issue is a pragmatic one—what works best? It is a helpful corrective to my own impulse to be too additive to hear Carl Rogers address both of these topics:

  I become less and less inclined to hurry in to fix things, to set goals, to mould people, to manipulate and push them in the way that I would like them to go. I am much more content simply to be myself and to let another person be himself. I know very well that this must seem like a strange, almost an Oriental point of view…. What is life for if we are not going to teach [people] the things we think they should learn?

  Yet the paradoxical aspect of my experience is that the more … I am willing to understand and accept the realities … in the other person, the more change seems to be stirred up…. At least this is a very vivid part of my experience and one of the deepest things I think I have learned in my personal and professional life.

  Other behavioral scientists have noted that the less a person is under pressure from others to change, the more likely it is that change will occur.

  Despite the cautions and the problems, there will be times when additive responses are appropriate. In a specific conversation, it may be appropriate to use one or more of these responses that lie “beyond” reflective listening.

  Responding with a Touch

  There are times when a nonverbal response is far more appropriate than any words that might be spoken. The September 1968 issue of McCall’s magazine described how David Kennedy witnessed, on the television screen, the death of his father, Robert Kennedy. The journalist Theodore White found the boy near shock from what he had seen. White “took David in his arms, held him close in bodily contact, and they wept together.”

  Touching can also be an intrusion. It can impede the process of self-understanding. The speaker, like many in our culture, may be uptight about any form of physical contact. Still, there are many times when a pat on the back, a warm touch, or a caring hug are very appropriate.

  Providing Factual Information

  It is sometimes appropriate for a listener to share factual information with the person who is talking about his problems. After a base of trust and understanding has been built, information may be constructively shared if:

  the person is emotionally ready to receive your information;

  your information is relevant to the person’s �
��basic” problem;

  you are confident that the other does not already have the facts nor does he have easy access to them; and

  you are confident of the validity of the information.

  John, a management consultant, followed many of these guidelines in a conversation with a female intern:

  John: You seem concerned that you weren’t given that assignment to co-lead the training program for the Ridge National Bank.

  Betsy: It’s not just that one assignment. I sometimes wonder if a woman can make it in a man’s world.

  John: You want to work in a training department, yet you’re not sure you’ll be accepted.

  Betsy: Yeah. Does any woman ever gain full acceptance leading a group of male managers? I doubt it.

  John: You know, one of the best consultants on our staff is a woman. She works mainly with middle management, often with all male groups. And the evaluations are consistently higher than those of anyone else who works with that type of group.

  Betsy: I’d love to be able to talk with her.

  John: I’ll tell her about our conversation and see if she’ll make some time to be with you.

  You will note that John reflected Betsy’s concern, which he evidently read from her nonverbals. That served as a door opener. Then, after reflecting her concerns, he shared some pertinent information. Next, he offered to take action when he expressed his willingness to try to arrange an interview.

  Taking Action

  There are times when reflective listening discloses a situation that needs to be remedied. People may get so involved in the process of listening that they forget to take appropriate action! The “language of behavior” is sometimes the best response we can make to another person. When a child is struggling to fix his bike and the task is too complex for him, the parent needs to stop reflecting and start helping. When someone is stricken with grief at the loss of a loved one, reflective listening is very important—but so is an invitation to dinner. The First Epistle of John says, “Let us put our love into deeds and make it real.”

  Facilitating Problem Solving

  Active listening may be all that is required to help some people arrive at a resolution of their problems. Sometimes, however, the person with a strong need may lack problem-solving skills. Without taking over his problem solving for him, the effective listener may guide the speaker through a problem-solving process such as the one described in Chapter 14 of this book.

  As always with additive responses, the listener needs to build a base of trust and understanding. He should also be confident that the speaker is dealing with the “basic” problem before assisting him in the use of an effective problem-solving method.

  Referral

  Sometimes the speaker will require information or a level of helping that you are unable to provide. In such situations you may decide to suggest he seek more qualified help.

  Before recommending a referral, one needs to listen past the presenting problem. One needs to listen long enough to build a base of trust and understanding. When suggesting a referral, it is important to actively listen to the speaker’s objections, resistance, and concerns. It is rarely easy to go to a strange person or visit an unknown agency about one’s problems. Many people think something is wrong with them if they require this kind of help. Support by continued listening through the transition period is often an important part of the referral.

  Self-Disclosure

  The effective listener will occasionally tell the speaker some things about his own life. His self-disclosure, however, is not an end in itself when the other person has the stronger need. Rather, it is related to the goal of this particular helping relationship. The listener needs to determine whether his disclosure is apt to help the speaker understand himself more clearly. Effective self-disclosure by a listener is experienced much like a good reflective response. Gerard Egan gives these examples of effective and ineffective self-disclosure in a counseling situation:

  Client: I seem to be most anxious when I wake up in the morning. I just don’t want to face the day. It’s too scary.

  Counselor A: I experienced this kind of morning anxiety at one period of my life. It was when I was in graduate school and was not sure that I was good enough. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life. But it all passed away.

  Client: Do you think yours was related to the aimlessness of school life?

  Or:

  Client: I seem to be most anxious when I wake up in the morning. I just don’t want to face the day. It’s too scary.

  Counselor B: It becomes a painful struggle just to get out on bed. I think I went through some of that in graduate school. It made the world seem pretty grim.

  Client: It’s just that it’s such a painful struggle. But I think that the world would be even more grim if I were to give up that struggle.

  The self-disclosure of the first counselor shifted the attention from the client to his own situation. In response, the client went on a “head trip.” Counselor B, on the other hand, related his disclosure to the client’s situation and blended it with an empathic response. In response, the client’s self-exploration went deeper.

  Confrontation

  As a helping skill, confrontation calls attention to discrepancies in the speaker’s behavior:

  Between what he thinks and what he says.

  Between how he feels and what he says.

  Between what he says and what he does.

  Between his words and his body language.

  Between his self-image and the way he is seen by others.

  Between the life he lives and the life he would like to live.

  Confrontation by a listener often utilizes the format “On the one hand, you say/feel/do _____, and on the other hand you say/feel/do _____” For example:

  Greg: (in slumped posture, sighs, speaks slowly) I’m so excited about getting engaged. Carol is a wonderful girl.

  Rodney: On the one hand you say you’re excited; on the other hand, your body is slouched and you sound as if you’re feeling pretty low.

  Three conditions should be met before confrontation is attempted. First, a base of trust and understanding needs to be built. That base should be very firm before confrontation is attempted. Second, the listener must perceive incongruities which are essential to explore. And finally, the listener should be confident that the speaker is ready and able to do the difficult task of exploring these discrepancies. Timing and a nonjudgmental manner are important factors in aiding the speaker to utilize the confrontation effectively.

  After a confrontation, the listener returns to reflective responses to rebuild the base of trust and understanding which may have been partly undermined. One should never initiate two or more confrontations in succession. Since confrontations are only useful in sensitive areas where people are very defended, the listener should use them rarely, cautiously, and skillfully—if at all.

  You-Me Talk

  “You-me” talk means conversing about the here-and-now feelings going on between the speaker and the listener. Most problems that people discuss with us are at least partially human relations problems. And the problems that are apt to trouble the speaker in his other relationships are likely to crop up in his talks with you. When this happens, it is advantageous to deal with what is happening currently between the speaker and the listener.

  A husband was talking with his wife about his reluctance to take on a new assignment that would call for the entire family’s moving to Latin America for two years:

  John: I don’t know if I’d be able to handle all the adjustments I’ll need to make for this job. I’m worried about the kids too. Will they be angry at me for this move?

  Pat: You could also be worried about how I’ll feel toward you … will I adjust.

  John: Well, yes, sure, that’s a big concern.

  Pat: Okay. Let’s talk about that.

  It requires a great deal of maturity to engage in “you-me” talk. The other person may be projecting hassles he has had wit
h other people onto you. Or he may have some very legitimate concerns. Either way, the listener needs to be nondefensive and needs to guard against getting triggered if the discussion is to have positive results.

  WHEN TO LISTEN

  REFLECTIVELY

  There are many times when the skills of reflective listening can be used. Here are some of them.

  Before You Act

  Some business concerns have saved thousands of dollars by training all their employees to paraphrase before taking action. Interpersonal communication is often misleading. A simple paraphrase is one of the most efficient-tools a person can use for an accuracy check when he has been asked to do a task.

  Some companies program a time at the end of meetings so people can paraphrase the action steps they are expected to take or are responsible for as a result of the meeting. Some claim that this use of paraphrasing has greatly improved the results of the meetings.

  Before You Argue

  or Criticize

  Many arguments could be avoided if people really understood what the other person was saying. How often have you heard someone say during a heated argument, “That’s what I was trying to say all along.” People often argue because they don’t realize they are both on the same side of the issue. Even when a person’s opinion is different from mine, I may understand or learn from the disagreement when, by reflective listening, I discover how he arrived at that position. More detail on this will be found in Chapter 12 on conflict.

  When the Other Person

  Experiences Strong Feelings

  or Wants to Talk Over a Problem

  When another person is very excited, enthusiastic, or joyful—that is a time to reflect what he is saying. Likewise, when a person is depressed, confused, angry, or edgy—that is a time to be a reflective listener. When another person comes to me with a problem he wants to talk over, that is the time to listen reflectively while he arrives at his own best solution to his problem.