Mattie's Pledge

by Jan Drexler

  “Sleep well.”

  She nodded, her eyes already closing, and Christian left the wagon as quietly as he could.

  Elias had finished the table, a rough one made for using outdoors, and placed it between the wagon and the community campfire. When the rest of the group left for Indiana, this would be their home until after the baby was born.

  Christian ran his fingers through his beard. If Mary was right, and there were two babies, what would they do? The danger was greater when a woman gave birth to twins, but there were successful births also. Look at Rebecca and Isaac. They had twins and both of them lived to see their boys grow up, even though Rebecca’s pregnancy had been difficult from the account in the Good Book. He had no reason to worry that it would be any different for Annalise. Since they had stopped traveling and she had been able to rest, she was feeling much better. And she had Mary Nafsinger to help her, a midwife experienced with this kind of pregnancy. They only needed to trust the Lord and wait.

  16

  After the noon meal on Thursday, Jacob took his tools to the corner of the pasture where he was building the lambing pen. He had plenty of time to finish it, since he didn’t expect the first ewe to drop her lambs for another three or four weeks.

  By then, Mattie would be in Indiana. Jacob missed the nail he was aiming at and hit his thumb instead. He stuck it in his mouth and sat on the nearby pile of lumber.

  Normally, he would tackle a task like this and get it done. Get it over with and move on to the next thing. But this life wasn’t normal. Sitting around here in Walnut Creek while the rest of their group prepared for the next stage of the trip made his feet itch and his head hurt.

  At least Mamm was doing better. Mary Nafsinger had been right, that she needed to rest. But that didn’t mean Jacob needed rest too. He had been anxious to get to Indiana for six months, and this delay ate at him.

  And Mattie still hadn’t given him an answer. He grabbed another nail and started in on the lambing pen again. In fact, it seemed she had been going out of her way to avoid talking to him. He concentrated on the nail, driving it into the wood with three sharp raps of the hammer, then went back to the nail he had missed and drove it home just as neatly.

  At least he hadn’t seen any sign of Cole Bates and his brothers since they left the river road.

  “Jacob!”

  Jacob shaded his eyes against the afternoon sun and looked across the pasture. Hannah stood at the far fence, waving to him. He waved to show he had heard her, then put his tools away, gathered a few stray nails, and walked down the slope toward her.

  “Is it suppertime already?” he called as he came closer.

  “Not yet, but Daed wants to talk to you. He and Josef are waiting.”

  Jacob climbed over the fence and fell into step beside her as they walked toward the group of wagons. “What does he want?”

  Hannah’s smile told him she knew. “I’ll let Daed tell you. But I think you’ll like his idea.”

  When they reached the wagon, Daed got right to the point. “Your mamm can’t travel any farther until September. I won’t risk her health, or the child’s.”

  Jacob looked down at his feet to hide his amusement. Daed spoke of the coming babies as one, maintaining that Mary Nafsinger didn’t have God’s knowledge. But Jacob thought that perhaps he still hadn’t accepted the idea of having two children added to the family at once.

  “But we still need to buy our land and get our farms established before winter,” he went on. “I’m going to send you ahead to Indiana with Hannah and Josef.”

  Jacob exchanged glances with his brother-in-law.

  “You trust us to choose your land as well as our own?” Jacob’s throat filled as he said the words. His own land. His future.

  Daed stroked his beard. “I would rather do it myself, but I need to stay with Annalise. You know the kind of land we need. Pasture for the horses, cows, and sheep is most important, along with farmland. And before spring turns to summer, a garden needs to be planted.” Daed sighed. “I feel like I’m giving you a great burden, Jacob, but I can’t be both here and in Indiana.”

  Jacob leaned against the wagon wheel. “I’ll do my best to find good land for both of us.”

  “Josef will be seeking a place too.” Daed held Jacob’s gaze. “I’d like all three farms to be close to each other.”

  Jacob nodded, and Daed went on. “But the most important thing is that we settle near the other Amish families who went to Indiana last year. We want to form a community, and we can’t unless we live near each other.”

  “Aren’t the Hertzlers, Schrocks, and Bontragers looking for the same?”

  “Ja, ja, ja. I hope you will take their advice when searching for our land.”

  Jacob kicked at a tuft of grass. Looking for his own land was one thing. He knew what he wanted, what he had dreamed of. But being Daed’s representative was different.

  “You’re sure I can do this?”

  Daed grasped Jacob’s shoulder. “I know you can, Son. And if something unforeseen happens, you can ask the other men for advice on how to proceed.”

  Jacob stood straight, adjusting his trousers. “Well then. I’ll try to act as you would.”

  “You always do.”

  Daed squeezed his shoulder, and then climbed into the wagon. Josef beckoned for Jacob to follow him, and they walked toward Hannah and Josef’s green wagon.

  “Your daed has much confidence in you, ja? You will honor his wishes, I know.”

  “I’m glad you’ll be there too, Josef. You can help me find the right land.”

  “I will be helping you. No job is too large when brothers work together.”

  “For sure.” Jacob’s gaze caught sight of Mattie as she walked toward the Hertzlers’ wagon with a skein of yarn in her hand. “When do we leave? I haven’t been paying attention to the plans.”

  “In four days. We want to worship with the congregation here on the Sabbath, then we will leave early Monday morning. The men are meeting tonight to discuss our route.”

  “I will be there.”

  Jacob took a step away, and Josef’s eyebrows went up. “And now I’m thinking you want to tell someone the news, ja? A fraulein, perhaps?”

  Josef gave him a friendly push in the direction of the wagons, but Jacob headed toward the campfire. If Mattie hadn’t sought him out in the last week, then perhaps she didn’t want to speak to him at all. Would the news that he was joining the group for the rest of the way to Indiana be welcome, or not?

  Movement near the Hertzlers’ wagon caught his eye. Johanna and Mattie examined the bundle of yarn and compared it to one Johanna held. He smiled at Mattie’s expression as she talked with her friend, and tried not to watch as Mattie walked back to her family’s wagon. But he couldn’t help noticing her quick step and the pretty way she swished her skirt to the side when she climbed the wheel spokes into the wagon.

  He had asked for her pledge so that he could protect her, but as time passed with no sign of the Bates brothers, that pressing need had eased some.

  At the same time, it had been replaced with something else. For so many years he had thought of her as his Mattie. When he was a boy, his thoughts had never gone beyond the friendly companionship they had enjoyed, and even while she lived in Brothers Valley, he had always hoped they would pick up where they had left off someday. Lately though, his musings had taken a different direction. Instead of the shadow at his heels, Mattie had become the prize at the end of his quest. She was the reason to build his home in the wilderness of Indiana.

  But without her pledge, her promise, he couldn’t be sure that she would ever share his dream.

  Mattie couldn’t avoid Jacob forever, but she could put off the confrontation for a little while longer. She peered around the edge of the wagon cover. Jacob was still talking with Andrew near the campfire, so she climbed out on the opposite side and hurried to the grove of trees up the slope beside the cow pasture.

  Part of her made her want
to go right up to Jacob and say she would give him her promise. The thought of being with him all her life felt so right and good. As Jacob’s wife, she would enter into that stream of history that started so long ago when both their ancestors made the decision to follow the Anabaptist teachings. Whenever Mattie heard the stories of the Martyr’s Mirror read, a rod of iron seemed to give her strength to face whatever adversity might come. Those men and women were her forebears, and Jacob’s too. Their children would be part of a great heritage and a great faith.

  But—

  Always, there was that hesitation. As if to walk down one path toward Jacob, she was turning her back on all other possibilities for her life.

  Mattie sat on a stump in the midst of the grove. From here she couldn’t be seen from the camp, but she could look beyond the trees to the rolling hills that undulated to the horizon in all directions. These hills in Ohio weren’t as tall as the mountains surrounding Brothers Valley, but they were peaceful, with patches of meadows and farm fields making breaks in the trees. Could Indiana be as beautiful as this?

  She was so lost in thought, she didn’t hear anyone coming until Hannah parted the shrubs in front of her.

  “Mattie? I didn’t know anyone was here.”

  “That’s why I like this spot. It’s so secluded, no one can find me.”

  “That’s why I like it too.” Hannah turned to leave.

  “Don’t go.” Mattie scooted to the edge of the big tree stump. “We can share. Sit here beside me.”

  Hannah smiled and joined her. “You must have been thinking of something important. Your face had a faraway look just now.”

  Mattie hugged herself, wondering how much she should tell Hannah. Of course, if she married Jacob, she and Hannah would be sisters. The thought made her smile. “I have a secret to share with you, and I could use your advice.”

  “It must be a good one to have you smiling like this. What is it?”

  Mattie leaned her chin on her hand. “You know how Jacob and I were always close as children.” She waited for Hannah’s nod. “He told me a few nights ago that he wants my promise to marry him.”

  Hannah gasped and clapped a hand to her mouth. “When? How? I mean, you said yes, didn’t you?”

  “Shh! I didn’t say anything, yet. This isn’t a decision to make lightly.”

  “Of course not.” Hannah turned toward Mattie and took her hand. “All the time we were growing up, he’s never been interested in any of the girls around the Conestoga. I thought he would never get married, but he must have been hoping to see you again.” She squeezed Mattie’s hand. “I can hardly wait until we’re sisters.”

  Mattie tightened her grip on Hannah’s hand. “But Jacob will be buying a farm in Indiana. He says he’ll never move again.”

  “That’s right. He has his heart set on that.”

  “I’ve never lived anywhere for more than a few years at a time. Daed always wants to move on, to see what is farther west, and I’ve always been happy to go with him. I’m not sure I’d be content to stay in Indiana for the rest of my life.”

  Hannah leaned toward her. “You’ll be surprised to find out what you’ll do when you’re in love.”

  Mattie chewed her bottom lip, thinking of Annie. Her sister had given up her family to be with her husband. Someday, Daed would want to leave Indiana—would Mattie be the one to stay behind with her husband then?

  “You do love him, don’t you?”

  Mattie looked at Hannah, not knowing how to answer. Jacob had stolen her heart so many years ago, but did that mean she wanted to marry him? How could she make a decision that would change her life like this? “How did you know you were supposed to marry Josef?”

  Hannah let go of Mattie’s hand. “I didn’t at first. Josef was sure we were to get married, but there was so much I had to sacrifice if I married him. It took months for me to decide.”

  “What made you say yes to him?”

  Hannah didn’t answer for so long that Mattie wasn’t sure if she had heard the question. A breeze from the west brought the sounds of a neighboring farmer calling his cows in for milking.

  “When Liesbet died, I realized I was trying to hold on to the past when God wanted me to look toward the future he had for me.”

  Leaving the past behind was not Mattie’s problem. She could hardly wait for the future to arrive. “But how did you know that Josef was the right future? Don’t you wonder what might have happened if you had chosen to do something else?” Mattie bit at her lower lip. “What if you had decided that you didn’t want to sacrifice anything?”

  “Every decision one makes means denying something else.” She opened one hand. “When I decide to have mush for breakfast,” she opened the other hand, “then I have decided not to have gravy and toast. When I decide to spend the morning sewing, then I’ve decided not to spend the morning knitting.”

  Mattie pushed some brown leaves aside with her foot, revealing a flower that had been nestled in their midst. She leaned close to touch the Dutchman’s-breeches with a careful finger. She could choose to pick the flower, or she could leave it growing at the base of the tree stump. But whichever she chose, she couldn’t go back in time to change the decision. She wouldn’t be able to fasten the flower back on the plant once she had plucked it, and she couldn’t come back to marry Jacob if someone like Cole Bates took her west to the far mountains.

  Hannah went on. “Every decision you make is like walking through a door. When Josef wanted to marry me, I felt like I was in a room with many doors. I thought I had the power to decide to choose any of those doors, but the Good Lord knew exactly which door was best for me and helped me make that decision.”

  “But how do you know it was the right decision?”

  “Because of the peace it gave me. Every other one of those choices didn’t give me the peace that the thought of marrying Josef did.” Hannah squeezed her hand one last time, and then stood to go. “I asked God to make me content with the choice I made, and he has. I can’t imagine living any other life than the one I have now. Pray about your decision, Mattie. God will help you know the right thing to do.”

  Mattie watched Hannah slip through the underbrush in the small grove and back toward the wagons.

  Contentment. She had never learned to be content with anything. As long as she could remember, she had been striving for something more—something different—than what she had. Would marrying Jacob make her content? She smoothed a fold in her apron. Perhaps there wasn’t anything that would make her feel the contentment and happiness Hannah had described.

  Her dream came back to her. The high cliff looming above and knowing that there was an entrance into the elusive world on the other side. Somehow, if she could get through to that wonderful place, she would have her answer. Perhaps she would be content there.

  Supper the next evening was a feast of fresh venison. Mattie celebrated along with everyone in the group when Andrew and Henry came back from a morning of hunting with two deer. Since then, the younger married girls had been baking bread and pies to go with the meal. The older women, except for Annalise and Mary, had gathered greens, and their Ohio hosts had added potatoes to the meal.

  Mattie filled her plate after helping to serve the men and older women and took it to a quiet end of one of the tables to relax and eat. The men had said they expected to arrive in Indiana in less than two weeks by taking the new Stone Road north through the Great Black Swamp, and then west. Even though the tolls would use precious cash, going around the swamp would take weeks longer. Mattie suppressed a shiver at the thought of a swamp so vast and dark that a man could get lost forever in its depths, but it wasn’t a shiver of fear. The descriptions she had heard from the Ohio settlers were unbelievable, and she was anxious to see the swamp for herself.

  Johanna slid onto the bench beside her with her own plate. “Isn’t it wonderful good to have fresh meat?”

  “And potatoes.”

  “Mamm hopes we’ll be able to plant our
seed potatoes soon, and our vegetable seeds. But Daed says we have to wait and see what the farms are like. He’s afraid the land we buy won’t be cleared yet and we’ll have to work so hard to make it produce that we won’t be able to have a garden this year.”

  Mattie let Johanna talk on, only half listening. Across the way, at a table with Andrew and the other young men, Jacob sat facing her. If she looked in that direction, she would catch him looking away, as if he had been staring at her.

  “What do you think, Mattie?” Johanna poked her shoulder. “Mattie, wake up.”

  “What?” She felt her face heat when she saw Johanna’s knowing look.

  “You and Jacob. You’ve both been moping around the whole time we’ve been in Ohio. Haven’t you heard that he’s coming to Indiana with us, even though the rest of his family is staying here until September?”

  “I hadn’t heard.”

  “Haven’t you talked to him at all?”

  Mattie shrugged. “I don’t know what to say to him.”

  “I agree. He isn’t easy to talk to, that one. He never answers more than a grunt, does he?” Then Johanna leaned close, her face blushing. “Can you keep a secret?”

  “Ja, for sure.”

  “Naomi told me you were sweet on Andrew once. Do you mind if he pays attention to me?”

  Mattie put her arm around Johanna’s shoulders. “I don’t mind. We were never serious about each other. But I haven’t known Andrew to be sweet on any one girl. I’m not sure he’s ever going to settle down.”

  “I think he might be changing. I’m in love with him, and he says he’s in love with me.”

  Mattie’s arm dropped. “What?”

  “Shh!”

  Johanna glanced around. Mattie followed her gaze and saw Naomi watching them, her face sad and withdrawn. When their eyes met, Naomi turned and ran from the gathering.

  “I wanted to ask you, since you know him so well—” Johanna hesitated, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. “Can I trust him? I mean, does he have a habit of telling girls that he loves them?”