Mattie's Pledge

by Jan Drexler

  “All the time I’ve known him, he’s never once used that word around me.” Mattie gave Johanna a smile. “He’s always been ready for a fun time and is quick to let a girl know when he likes her, but love? That doesn’t sound like Andrew to me.”

  Johanna gazed across to the table of young men and sighed. Mattie looked over and caught the look on Andrew’s face before he turned back to his friends. She had never seen him look so joyful. Every trace of his usual sarcasm was gone.

  “I think you can trust him, Johanna. Andrew has changed since he met you. You’ve been good for him, and I’m glad you told me. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it a secret.” She gave her friend a hug, then rose from the table. “I need to go find Naomi. I’ll see you around the campfire tonight.”

  She followed Naomi’s path between the wagons, then up the hill to the cow pasture where Jacob had penned the sheep. Ahead of her, Naomi strode up the hill toward the far fence and the woods beyond.

  “Naomi!” Mattie gathered up her skirt and started running. “Naomi, wait!”

  She finally caught up at the fence where Naomi had paused.

  “Don’t follow me, Mattie. Just let me be alone.”

  Mattie grabbed her sister by the arms and turned her around so she could see her face. “I knew you were crying. Why?”

  “You wouldn’t know, would you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  Naomi slumped against the fence post. “You’ve never had a boy ignore you.”

  Mattie backed away a step. “That isn’t true, Naomi. But I do know how you’ve always wished that Andrew would notice you.”

  Tears dripped from Naomi’s chin as she sniffed. “Andrew has never looked twice at me, except to tease me. But he took you out riding whenever he could, and you don’t even like him.” She hiccupped.

  “Andrew has been a friend, but nothing more. Why are you so upset about this now?”

  Naomi took the handkerchief Mattie handed her and wiped her nose. “I saw Johanna with him last night.” She folded the damp handkerchief and sniffed again. “I wasn’t spying on them, but if I moved, they’d know I was there and they’d laugh at me.” A sob escaped. “I couldn’t bear to have Andrew laugh at me.” She wiped at her eyes.

  “So you saw them together. You should be happy for them.”

  “But I love him. I’ve always loved him.” Naomi hiccupped again. “I’ve never loved any boy except Andrew, but now he and Johanna—”

  Mattie gave her sister a hug. “There will be a man for you, Naomi. Someone more wonderful than Andrew.”

  Naomi took a deep, shuddering breath and released it with a sigh. “I don’t think so.” She wiped her eyes again. “It would take someone pretty desperate to love me.”

  “That isn’t true.”

  “Look at me.” Naomi took both of Mattie’s shoulders. “Do you remember what the Good Book says about Leah and Rachel? Rachel was beautiful, but Leah had weak eyes. That’s me, Mattie. I’m Leah. No man will ever think I’m beautiful.”

  “I never knew your cast eye bothered you. I’ve always thought you were beautiful, much prettier than I am with my dumpy figure. Besides, a man who would let something like your eyes blind him to your true qualities doesn’t deserve you.”

  Naomi’s lips curved in a half smile. “I guess I’ll have to ask the Good Lord to bring him to me, like Daed said during our morning prayers.”

  “He said we could ask God for anything, but do you think he meant a husband?” Mattie wanted to laugh, it sounded so ridiculous.

  “Even a husband.” Naomi pushed away from the fence post. “Denki, Mattie. You’re a good sister, and you’ve made me feel better. I’ll get over Andrew eventually.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “Back to the wagon. I think I’ll go to bed after the dishes are done.” She looked down the meadow toward the camp. “Meanwhile, you need to stay here. Jacob is coming.”

  Mattie turned. Naomi was right, Jacob was climbing the sloping hill straight toward them. “I’ll go back with you.”

  Naomi pushed her back toward the fence. “You won’t. You’ll stay here and talk to Jacob. You’ve ignored him ever since we got to Ohio, and you need to tell him why. He deserves that much.”

  Mattie chewed her bottom lip as Naomi headed toward the camp, stopping to exchange a few words with Jacob as they passed. Her sister was right, and so was Johanna. She should talk to Jacob. But how could she talk to him when she didn’t have an answer for him?

  Jacob didn’t greet her as he approached. He leaned against the board fence next to her and gazed up at the dusky evening sky. The sun had neared the western horizon, and the shadows had crept east, making pockets of darkness at the edges of the meadow, hard by the forest.

  “Good evening, Mattie.” He didn’t look at her as he finally spoke. “The sunset is fiery red tonight. It will be a fine day tomorrow.”

  She hadn’t noticed the clouds turning from pink to orange as the sun dipped lower. “Ja, a fine day.”

  “So you do hear my words? Do you see me too?”

  “For sure I see you.” She turned to see a teasing light in his eyes. “Why wouldn’t I?”

  He shrugged. “I thought perhaps I was invisible, since you haven’t spoken to me for the last week.”

  Mattie moved a step away from him. She hadn’t sought him out, but she hadn’t thought he noticed she had avoided him on purpose. But what could she say to him when she didn’t have an answer to his question?

  “Maybe I spoke too soon,” he went on. “I wanted you to know how I felt, and I’ve let you have time to think. Do you have an answer for me?”

  Mattie ran her finger along the top rail of the fence. “It isn’t an easy decision to make.”

  “I had hoped it would be, and that you felt the same way I do.”

  “I do, I think. But there’s more to this than how I feel today. What if my feelings change tomorrow?” She bit her lip, stopping herself from saying what she really feared, that she would give him her promise and then regret it when a new opportunity arose.

  “A decision like this isn’t based on feelings.” He turned to look at her. “That’s why two people make a binding promise when they marry. Feelings can’t be trusted.”

  Mattie looked down at her bare feet. On an impulse, she grasped some blades of grass with her toes and picked them. When she released her grip, the grass fluttered to the ground. Jacob was right, she couldn’t trust her feelings. But she wasn’t sure she could keep a promise, either. Left to herself, she would make some rash mistake and Jacob would end up regretting he had ever asked her to marry him.

  She looked into his serious eyes, dark in the fading light. Loving him was easy. But making the pledge he had asked her for was something altogether different. “I can’t make the promise you want, Jacob.”

  He grasped her arms and pulled her to him. “Why not, Mattie? What is holding you back?”

  Mattie pulled back for an instant, and then relaxed in his grip. “I can trust you, Jacob. You’re strong and faithful. You know what your future holds and you know how to achieve your dreams. But I don’t trust myself. I don’t know if I could keep any promise I make to you.”

  He pulled her closer. “But when you make a pledge, you can trust God to help you keep it. Rely on his strength.”

  Trust God to do what she couldn’t? The idea made Mattie’s stomach turn. She wouldn’t take that risk.

  She shook her head, and Jacob’s face fell. He rubbed at the back of his neck as he stepped away. Looking back at her once, he started down the hill toward the camp, his feet shuffling in the long meadow grass.

  Monday morning dawned clear and cool. Jacob scanned the northwestern sky as he jogged up to the meadow for one last check on the sheep before they left. Only a few wispy clouds caught the morning sun, but no sign of rain. A good day to travel.

  Daed was leaning against the fence, waiting for him.

  “I thought you would come up here this morning.”


  Jacob grinned at him. “I know I’m leaving the sheep in good hands, but I’ve grown attached to them over the past few weeks.”

  “And they to you.” Daed nodded at the sheep. Bam trotted toward them with his nose in the air, looking for a treat, while the twelve ewes followed behind, bleating as they came. “You’ve done a good job with them, and they trust you.”

  Jacob leaned down to scratch the thick wool around Bam’s short horns. “I never thought I’d come to like them as much as I have.”

  “You’re a good shepherd, Son. You put the sheep ahead of your own comfort, and you risked your life to save the ram. Those qualities will make you a good farmer and a good husband.”

  “I’m not sure I’ll be a husband anytime soon.” Jacob fed Bam the stub of a carrot he had brought for him.

  “I’ve watched you and Mattie Schrock together. It might be sooner than you think.” Daed lifted one foot to the lower rail on the fence and looked at Jacob. “She’s a fine girl.”

  Daed hadn’t heard Mattie’s answer, or he wouldn’t think marriage to Mattie was going to happen at all. “I don’t know if Mattie is the one. She doesn’t want to make any promises.”

  “She’s young yet. Younger than Hannah. Give her time.”

  Jacob gave Bam another carrot. He always had trouble remembering that Mattie was the same age as Liesbet, but she would never be as foolish as his sister had been, running off to marry an outsider. “You think she might accept me eventually?”

  “If you treat her as a man ought to, with patience, kindness, and gentleness. Trust God for the outcome, not your feelings, and encourage Mattie to do the same. He’ll make the way clear to you.”

  Patience. It seemed he had already shown the patience of Job when it came to Mattie. “I’ll come back in September to help you move on to Indiana. The lambs should be old enough to travel by then.”

  “Your mamm, also. The babe will be a few months old.” Daed turned to him. “I know you worry about her.”

  Jacob swallowed the lump that was nearly choking him. “I’m afraid of what might happen while we’re in Indiana.”

  Daed laid his hand on Jacob’s shoulder. “Leave it in God’s hands. Worry and fear will change nothing. This baby—” He held up a hand against Jacob’s sound of protest. “Or babies, if Mary is right, will come in God’s time and in his way. All we can do, and the best we can do, is to pray.” He leaned on the fence again. “I’m counting on you, Josef, and Hannah to prepare the way for us in Indiana. Find a good piece of land, one your mamm will like.”

  “We’ll do our best.”

  They started back down toward the road where the wagons were already lined up, ready to go. Peter and Margli were saying goodbye to their friends in their own ways. Peter and Mose Schrock were racing from one end of the line to the other, while Margli and Barbli Hertzler clung to each other.

  As Jacob approached, Mamm released Hannah from a hug and turned to him.

  “I hate to see you go.” She drew his face down toward her and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll miss you.”

  Jacob’s eyes misted over. He pushed away the dark thought that this might be the last time he would see Mamm, but put his arms around her bulky form and held her tightly. “I’ll miss you too. I love you.”

  She looked up at him, her own eyes brimming with tears. One caress with her hand on his cheek, and then Peter rushed up to them.

  “You’re really going, Jacob? I wish I could come too.”

  Jacob drew his brother aside and crouched down to look him in the face. The face that mirrored his own. “You’re needed here, Peter. You’re the oldest boy now, and Daed needs your help.”

  “I’m no help.” Peter stared at the ground between them. “I’ll never be able to help Daed like you do.”

  “Look at me.” Jacob waited until Peter’s eyes met his. “You know a lot already, and you’re getting bigger and stronger every day. Daed is going to need you when the lambs start coming, and Mamm will need you to play with William and keep him out of trouble. I’m counting on you to stand in for me while I’m away.”

  Peter gave him a quick grin. “You really think I can be you?”

  Jacob grabbed the boy close in a rough hug, then released him. “I know you’re going to do your best.”

  Peter launched himself back into Jacob’s arms and clung to him for a long minute. “You’re going to be gone forever.”

  Jacob buried his hand in Peter’s curly hair and pressed him close. “September will be here before you know it.”

  Eli Schrock’s whistle announced that it was time to go. Jacob gave Mamm one last kiss, shook hands with Daed, and joined Josef and Hannah at the smaller wagon. As the group started out, Jacob took one last look. Mamm and Daed stood together at the side of the road, with Peter and Margli on each side of them. William ran down the road after the wagons until Daed called him back. Jacob waved, and then the wagons rounded a bend and they were out of sight.

  Hannah took his arm as they walked behind the wagon. “I saw you saying goodbye to Peter. You really love him, don’t you?”

  Why did his eyes keep blurring? “You know, better than anyone, how hard it was to love the younger ones after . . . after losing Hansli and the girls.” He felt Hannah squeeze his arm, and he continued. “But things change.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m growing up.”

  She laughed. “I hope you’re growing up, Brother Jacob. You’re going to be a husband soon, and before we know it, a father.”

  “Who said I was getting married?”

  “No one needs to say anything. I have eyes, you know. I see the way you and Mattie are when you’re together.”

  Jacob let her comment settle in as they walked along the road, heading north. Both Hannah and Daed assumed he would marry Mattie, but they didn’t know about Mattie’s hesitation. Was Daed right, that he should trust God and leave the outcome to him? It didn’t seem he had any other choice.

  17

  Cole cradled a dusty brown bottle between his hands. He had stolen it from a wayside tavern the night before and then rode ten more miles before he dared to stop and take a drink.

  He cursed his shaking hands as the stopper slowly twisted off, then upended the bottle. He choked as the fiery whiskey hit his throat and coughed, spitting out most of what had gone into his mouth. Pressing the heel of one hand into his aching forehead, he tried another drink. This time the liquid floated down his gullet and burned deep in his empty belly.

  The sky lightened in the east, but he barely noticed. He had barely noticed anything since that disastrous night along the Ohio. Darrell might not have been of much use, but he was an extra pair of hands when he needed them. Hiram—he wasn’t sorry Hiram had gone off on his own. The thought that Hiram might come back to avenge Darrell’s death made him take another swig of the whiskey. All he could hope was that Hiram had gone far enough that he’d never hear about what happened that night.

  Pa, now, he wouldn’t miss them either way. Pa didn’t care what happened as long as he got his money and no one brought the law down on him. Cole felt the poke tucked in his vest. If it was up to him, this money would never make it back to the farm in Missouri. The law didn’t bother him, but Pa did. Cole didn’t know how long he had before the old man came looking for his money, but he wasn’t going to stick around to find out.

  He took another swallow from the bottle.

  Even with all that had happened, he couldn’t put that fine string of Conestoga horses out of his head. The Amish movers surely had made their way to the Amish settlement in Ohio by now, unless they were moving on west. He let his mind drift to Mattie. That girl just wouldn’t leave him alone. At night, when he did sleep, he dreamed of her, of what he would do when he finally had her alone, without the constant interfering presence of her family.

  With that thought he got up from the rotting log he had been sitting on and mounted his horse. If they were moving on west, they’d take the Stone Road. Every mover headin
g west took that new road through the Great Black Swamp. There might be an opportunity or two to steal a couple horses from the settlers in the Swamp even if he didn’t find Mattie and her group.

  Fastening the stopper on the bottle again, he stowed it in his saddlebag. He’d need a clear head to take him to the next step.

  He reached Fremont, at the southern edge of the Swamp, just after noon the next day. The Stone Road began here and went straight northwest to the Maumee River on the northern side of the Swamp, cutting a straight line of stone atop a dike, providing a dry road through the vast wilderness of wetlands and standing water. He stopped at the inn near the tollbooth, and as he dismounted in front of the steps, a boy came to take his horse.

  “Make sure you clean him up and give him a good feed.” Cole flipped a coin at the boy. He may as well spend Pa’s money on his own comfort.

  When he walked into the inn, the woman behind the counter kept a sour face until he plunked down a five-dollar piece on the wooden surface. “I want a bath and a room for tonight. Supper, and whiskey if you’ve got it.”

  The woman nodded, her frown turning to a simpering smile at the sight of the money. “Yes, sir. You must be traveling.” She turned a register toward him for his signature.

  “I am. I need someone to clean my clothes too.” He scrawled an X with his dirty finger on the line she indicated.

  The innkeeper walked into the low-ceilinged hall then, brushing dirt off his hands before sticking one out in Cole’s direction. “Mighty glad to have you stay with us, sir.” He eyed the coin still lying on the counter. “Whatever you’ll be needing, just let us know.”

  Cole looked the man up and down. “I’d like to know a bit about the road ahead. Maybe we could talk over supper.”

  “Yes, sir. There should be a few others in the tavern around that time, and they’ll be glad to tell you what you need to know.”

  “That’s fine.” Cole picked up his saddlebag and turned to follow the woman up the stairs to his room. He stopped, not looking toward the man, and keeping his voice casual. “I don’t suppose you’ve seen a group of movers go through here in the past week or so. Amish folk. Several families with Conestoga wagons.”