I'm With Anxious

by Suzanne Brown

  “It’s a lotus flower!” I cry out. “The ArtScience museum is shaped like a lotus flower! The symbol of rebirth and enlightenment. It rises out of the mud and muck, out of the sadness and anger, and it expands to open itself to whatever life may offer.” I inhale, and whisper on my exhale, “Just like me, Lottie.”

  I lean my head out the window and the wind caresses my grin until Pinkie screeches to a halt in front of the hospital. She jumps out and tosses the keys to a valet who looks tickled pink to be handed the keys to a Ferrari. My Ferrari.

  I suddenly get worried. And I don’t try to bury it. I haven’t let myself worry in such a long time that it feels a little strange, but I tell myself that it’s okay to be worried. I mean, this is my new car. I should be worried about it.

  I give my worry a voice. “Please be careful with it,” I ask the valet.

  He nods and grins. “Of course, Ms. Ling. And happy birthday.” And surprisingly, he sounds like he means it.

  I smile. “Thanks.”

  I follow Pinkie into the hospital. A nurse immediately greets us and ushers us down a white hallway sparsely decorated with photos of orchids. I notice her scrubs have birthday cakes on them, and that makes me smile. It’s so appropriate! But I’m not even thinking about my birthday. I’m thinking about my baby brother, and that today will be his birthday.

  The nurse leads us through a door into another hall where adorable pink babies adorn the walls. She stops in front of a set of locked doors and presses an intercom. “The sisters have arrived,” she says. The doors buzz and she opens one with a smile on her face. “Congratulations.” she says and motions us through.

  I follow Pinkie into what I guess is a hospital room even though it looks nothing like one. An intricately carved, four-poster bed neatly made with dark blue sheets sits against one wall. A soothing waterfall trickles over another. And a mahogany bassinet draped with baby-blue veiling waits in the corner. The lights are dim, soothing music is playing, and a vase of colorful orchids sits on every table.

  Father is leaning over a woman. She is sitting up in a smaller, hospital-looking bed in the center of the room, and her dark hair is messily piled on her head. She looks sweaty, like she just went for a long run, but she’s smiling. I’m assuming this is his wife, Kim, but for some reason I can’t place her. Suddenly, I’m drawing a blank. Like the book I was reading about Ling was suddenly slammed shut.

  Pinkie’s father hears us walk in and turns around. He’s cradling something wrapped in a soft-blue blanket. “You made it!” he bellows, and grins so wide that I see happy wrinkles near his eyes. He gazes down at what’s in his arms. “You’re just in time to welcome your baby brother into the world.”

  Pinkie and I both rush over. The baby’s face is squished and blotchy red, but I think he’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

  “Can I hold him?” I whisper.

  Pinkie’s father nods, and starts to hand him to me.

  “Wait,” I say, shoving my arms behind me. “Maybe I shouldn’t.” I take a deep breath and again give a voice to my worry. “I’m afraid I’ll drop him.”

  He winks. “Trust me. You won’t.” He holds the baby in one arm and takes his other hand to pull my arm around and close to my body. He snuggles the baby into my side and wraps my other arm around him. “Now just hold him tight.” He kisses my forehead, and smiles. “How lucky that your little brother joined us on your sixteenth birthday.”

  I grin. “Yeah. I am lucky.” And I truly feel that way. I gaze down and love floods my heart. His chubby cheeks make me think of Berg wearing Daddy’s cologne and yelling “I love you, Big L.” His blue eyes remind me of Mama’s. Bright, and full of unconditional love. His furrowed brow reminds me of Daddy. Always trying to make his little girl happy.

  I allow this bittersweet thing we call love to engulf me, and I realize it’s okay. Tears spring to my eyes, and I don’t even try to stop them.

  “This is the best birthday present I’ve ever received,” I murmur.

  Even better than a Ferrari.

  I close my eyes, hug that sweet baby, think of my family, and happily let my tears fall. I feel the emotions washing over me – sad, happy, all of them - and this time I don’t wish myself far, far away.

  CHAPTER 35

  Could it be?

  Before I even open my eyes, I know my soul wandered. I’m still holding something warm, but I’m pretty sure it’s not my baby brother.

  Unless he knows how to purr.

  I open my eyes, and want to leap with joy. It’s my white kitten! The teeny one with the brown eyes and the black butterfly on its forehead. My heart overflows with such happiness that I probably resemble the big, reclining Buddha that’s right in front of me wearing that lazy smile of contentment.

  I’m back in Thailand!

  My kitten kneads me with her tiny claws, and when it pricks my chest like tiny knives, I realize I’m not wearing thick, monk robes. I glance down and can’t believe my eyes. I’m wearing my skinny jeans and my favorite blue sweater. It even has the mascara stains from wiping my eyes that day outside the school. I’m wearing my Lottie clothes! I touch my ears. And I’m wearing my lucky earrings! The small white circles with the painted blue lotus flowers.

  My heart races. What does this mean? Am I Lottie again? But I didn’t go back home.

  “Quit being that way, and just let me help you down,” an exasperated voice grumbles behind me.

  I know that voice! I cradle the kitten to my chest and jump up to see Rinzen standing at the other end of the path. She’s leaning against that darling baby elephant, Kam-Tong. Big Kammoon hovers protectively nearby with Fah sitting on her back.

  Fah! She’s still alive! My stomach flips with happiness. I set down my kitty, and rush down the path to greet them.

  “I can’t believe it!” I cry. “It’s really you! I’m back and it’s really you.” Tears spring to my eyes and I don’t care. I let them flow. “I missed you both so much. I’m so sorry I ran away.”

  Rinzen raises an eyebrow. “I’m sorry you ran away, too, but do we know you?”

  I’m laughing and blubbering all at the same time. “Yes! Yes, you know me! Probably better than anyone.” I reach up and touch my head. I’m no longer bald. I have long hair again. “Although, I think I’m Lottie now.”

  Rinzen gives me a look that says she’s thinks I’ve been in the sun too long.

  “What color is my hair?” I ask in a rush.

  Rinzen tilts her head. “I’d say maybe blonde, but your brown roots are really showing.”

  “Rinzen!” Fah scolds, her voice more raspy than I remember.

  Rinzen raises her hands in a palms-up gesture. “What? I’m not being rude. She asked and I’m just telling the truth.” She turns back to me and shrugs. “It actually looks really cool that way.”

  I laugh. “I love that you are always yourself, Rinzen.”

  She squints her eyes and examines me closer. “I’m sorry, but how do you know my name?”

  I laugh. “It’s me. It’s Pema!”

  “Pema?” Fah says softly from her lofty seat.

  “Yes, Fah. It’s me.” I sigh and smile. “And I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you.”

  Fah tilts her head, gives me a funny look, and then nods to Rinzen. “I think I will let you help me down.”

  Rinzen taps Kammoon’s leg, and the elephant bows down onto one knee. Fah slowly moves her legs together, lies on her belly, and starts to slide down Kammoon’s side. Rinzen tries to guide her, but right before she reaches the ground, Fah starts to fall over.

  I rush over and support Fah on the other side. My heart slows. “You’re not well?”

  She offers me a small grin. “Not today. Maybe tomorrow. But not today.” She points to the reclining Buddha. “Would you please help me over there?”

  Rinzen rolls her eyes. “Always has to be treated like a queen,” she jokes, but I hear the catch in her voice.

  Sadness creeps up on me, and this
time I choose not to run away from it. It’s hard because it hurts. Really hurts. But I know I have to take the pain of Fah’s illness along with the joy of seeing her again.

  Rinzen and I help support Fah as she walks down the path. Her gait is unsteady and she leans on my shoulder for support, but she jokes all the way there. We help her sit in front of the Buddha. Rinzen sits down next to her, and I plop down in front of them. Fah closes her eyes, and inhales deeply, like I use to do when I wanted to bury my pain. My stomach clenches. She’s not well at all. Is she dying? I don’t want her to die. I want her to live.

  And that thought makes me want to run away.

  But I don’t. I choose not to run this time.

  Fah opens her eyes, and a tear escapes down her cheek. “I’m so sorry,” she sighs. “I’m so sorry you have to see me like this.”

  Rinzen drops her head into her hands, and her shoulders start to shake.

  I’m ambushed by sadness, and long to escape it, but I choose to stay. It hurts. Really bad. Like Kammoon is sitting on my chest. But I don’t want to leave. I want to stay with my friends. I want to share their sadness, so they don’t feel alone.

  I reach out, and grasp Fah’s hand. “It’s okay. Really, it is.”

  She looks up, startled.

  I reach over, and grab Rinzen’s hand. She flicks her head up, eyes red and wide.

  “Do you two remember when you first rescued me?” I ask. I feel tears spring to my eyes as the memory forms. “I just woke up and found myself tied to the bed. I thought I had died and gone to hell. I thought that man who imprisoned me was the devil himself.” I squeeze both their hands, and let my own tears leave trails of bittersweet happiness down my cheeks. “And then you two rescued me. You set me free.” My breath catches. “And I ran away from you.” I snort out a cry. My kitty doesn’t seem to care about my slobbering snot fest and crawls into my lap, mewing loudly.

  “Aw, pet her already, will ya?” Rinzen jokes, softening the emotional moment like she’s so good at doing. “Besides, I need my hand to wipe off my face.”

  We all laugh, and I let go of their hands. I swipe the tears from my cheeks, and rub my kitty’s soft fur. She immediately settles into my lap, closes her eyes, and turns on her purr.

  “Pema, is that really you?” Fah asks. She stares into my eyes, searching for something.

  I nod. “Yes.”

  A smile starts to form, like she wants to believe me but doesn’t know if she can. “But how?”

  Rinzen shakes her head. “You can say that again! I mean, you were bald when you left and then a few days later, you’re back with brown hair?”

  I arch my eyebrow.

  She rolls her eyes. “Fine, blond hair. Whatever, kid.” She laughs. “It must be you. I’d recognize that eyebrow anywhere.” Her eyes grow wide as Kammoon’s ears. “Did you die? Is this your reincarnation?”

  I shake my head. “I don’t think so because this is who I always was.”

  “About time you figured that out!” a familiar voice cackles from behind me.

  I turn and see the old monk skipping down the path towards us, her robes billowing out around her. When she reaches me, she throws her arms wide.

  “I’m baaack,” she sings. She tosses me her best grin, crooked teeth and all, and then bows. “Welcome back, Lotus.”

  This sets off a whole series of bows that look like a comedy routine. I bow. Then Rinzen rises and bows to Venerable Bhik. Then the old monk bows back. Then Fah bows from her seat. Then the old monk bows again.

  “Okay, enough bowing,” the old monk laughs. “It’s rattling my brain loose.” She sits down in front of me, so close that she’s almost on my lap. She places her hands on her chin, and leans forward, her eyes wide and eager. “So… whatcha been doing?”

  I laugh. I missed this old broad.

  “Well, right now I’m trying to figure out why I look like Lottie and not Pema.”

  The old monk looks down her nose at me, like an elderly schoolmarm. “Now, don’t you backtrack on me, young whippersnapper. You know exactly why.”

  Fah chuckles. It’s soft and short-lived, but it reaches her eyes.

  The old monk shakes her finger at Fah. “Nuh uh. If you know why, you keep it to yourself, young missy.” She nods to me. “Lottie here has to figure this one out all on her own.”

  Fah continues to smile, but nods her head. “Okay. I won’t say anything about Pema accepting her true self.”

  “Gah!” The old monk squawks. “No hints either!”

  Rinzen swivels her head back and forth between the two of them. “What are you all talking about? Who’s Lottie? And why does Pema have to accept her true self?”

  “Pema is Lottie,” Fah explains.

  The old monk’s eyebrows fly up. “You two zip it!” she yelps. “No more talking.”

  Fah winks at me and smiles.

  She’s trying to help me. Fah said Pema had to accept her true self. Which is me. Which is Lottie. I think back to what I discovered in Singapore. That even though I’ve been all these other people, I’ve always been Lottie. But I just had to accept all of her. Oh…

  I nod. “I get it. I’ve always been Lottie. Whether my hair was black or brown. Whether I was Moroccan, or Thai, or Afghan, or Icelandic, or Indonesian Chinese. Whether I was a boy or a girl.”

  Rinzen raises her eyebrows.

  I wave her off. “Don’t ask.” I grin. “No matter who I was, I’ve always been Lottie. I just never accepted all of her. I mean all of myself.” I nod. “But now I think I can. And that’s why I’m me now.” I point to my clothes. “I’m really Lottie.”

  The old monk rolls her eyes. “You figured that out with a little help from your friends,” she mutters, but a happy smile grows on her lips and she giggles, “which is sometimes just what you need.” She folds her hands in her lap. “When you left, you longed for the enlightenment that Buddha had found.”

  I nod.

  “But you thought enlightenment meant running away from pain and sadness, and burying the bad parts of yourself?”

  “Like my emotions,” I add.

  She nods. “But it doesn’t. Enlightenment means you understand and accept your true self. Both the good and the bad. Enlightenment means you stop trying to control your nature, and simply be… who… you… are.”

  I nod. “I had to stop hating myself for who I am.”

  She grins. “Yes. And you had to accept anger and sadness, as much as you embraced joy and laughter. Or at least understand there is a reason they are a part of you.” The old gal winks at me. “And that is what your soul wanted all along.”

  Hope pounds a fast rhythm in my heart. “Does this mean I can go back?” My breath catches. “Back to my real life, I mean. Back to my Mama, and Daddy, and Berg?” I feel the biggest smile I’ve ever had pulling on my lips.

  She raises both eyebrows and shrugs. “I really don’t know. Every soul has a different journey.” She leans close, and stares at me with those bright, galaxy eyes. “But remember, Lottie. You are your soul and your emotions, and they are you. And who you are is who you will always be.”

  “I think that’s from a song.” I chuckle.

  I can see she’s trying not to grin.

  “Shush now, Lotus. Close your eyes.”

  I do as she asks. She presses her forehead to mine and begins to chant something deep and serene. Her chant reverberates, and I feel my heart rate slow, and my muscles release like I’m just about to fall asleep.

  “And now, you finally understand,” she whispers, and pulls her forehead away.

  I slowly open my eyes and grin, feeling more at peace with who I am than I ever have in my life.

  She stands up and pulls a wrench from her robes. “Okie dokie, artichokie! Now, I must fix that sink, and Lottie must say goodbye.” She winks. “For now.”

  I only have a chance for a quick goodbye before she skips down the path, her robes sailing out behind her, humming the happy birthday tune.

  Fah
reaches out for my hand. “I’m so happy for you, Lottie,” she sighs using my real name.

  Rinzen lightly punches me on the arm. “Yeah, me too, kid. Although to me you’ll always be that scrawny little Pema who thinks curry smells ‘totally awesome.’”

  I laugh out loud, remembering when I said that to the woman who was graciously putting food in my almsbowl on that day they rescued me.

  “Thank you both,” I gush, tears forming in my eyes. “Thank you for being there when I needed you, and for accepting me for who I am.” I extend my arms, lean forward, and embrace them both in a hug.

  And as I feel their love hug me back, I can’t help but close my eyes and smile.

  CHAPTER 36

  I’m baaaaack!

  My body can still feel Rinzen’s and Fah’s warm arms around me, but somehow, I know they’re gone. My soul has wandered once again.

  My heart skips. I don’t know where I am and I’m not quite ready to face it just yet, so I keep my eyes tightly closed. I do know that no matter what awaits me, I’ve changed.

  I’m happy to live as my soul desires. I want to embrace my true nature. I want to explore and experience both my good and bad emotions. Because I know I need them all to make my life full and rich and vibrant.

  The anger I felt at the devil man in Thailand and the drunk jerk in Singapore just made me happier that I had so many beautiful months of friendship with Dillon and met cute dimples George. The pain I caused Berg helped me realize the joy I could bring Malika by just being there for her. The sadness I felt when I discovered Fah couldn’t care for the baby elephant, helped me find happiness when I knew I could help her.

  I guess embracing all my emotions really is the blessing and curse of life. I need to see and feel the bad, so I can fully appreciate and love the good.

  I start sobbing and laughing at the same time. I don’t even care who sees snot running out of my nose and hears me hiccupping giggles. I don’t care that I’m revealing what I’m feeling.

  Because I’m not burying my emotions anymore.