by E. L. Todd
I sat on the couch and got comfortable.
“You screwed over my best friend. That’s what.”
I knew Marie would tell Francesca eventually. Actually, I assumed she would have done it sooner. “I didn’t screw her over.”
“You’re such a coward. How dare you walk out on her like that?”
“I panicked and I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Fine,” she said. “I guess I can understand that to a certain degree. But nearly two weeks have come and gone and you haven’t even tried talking to her. She thinks you guys are broken up.”
“Because we are broken up.”
“And that’s how you end things? Axel, you were with her for six months.”
“No, I wasn’t. It was like three.”
“Whatever,” she snapped. “That’s how you end things? You just walk away and never look back?”
“Not in those words.” I rested my forearms on my knees and leaned forward. “I don’t know what else to do. I didn’t realize how she felt until it was too late. Staying away from her is the best thing I can do for her.”
“Yes, you did know how she felt, Axel.”
I stared at the ground and avoided her look.
“Because I knew how she felt about you. I saw it written all over her face. And you know what? I see that same look written all over yours.”
First Hawke and now her.
“I get that you’re scared of how you feel. We’ve all been there. But this behavior is unacceptable.”
“I don’t like it anymore than you do.”
“Then go talk to her.”
I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that. I hated myself too much.
Francesca knew she wasn’t going to get anywhere with me. “Pull your head out of your ass before it’s too late, Axel.” She walked out and slammed the door as hard as she could.
I continued to sit there, feeling alone.
Two Weeks
Marie
It’d been two weeks since I’d seen Axel. The time had come and gone quickly, but in my mind it felt like an eternity. My phone never lit up with a text message or phone call from him. Now it was beginning to feel like he’d never been around at all.
I clocked out then headed home, driving slower than usual. There was no longer any excitement in my life and I wasn’t eager to go anywhere. Normally, I’d rush home and shower because I was anxious to see Axel. But now I knew there was no one to get dressed up for.
When I pulled into my driveway I saw Axel’s truck against the curb.
My heart jumped into my throat and I could barely breathe. I couldn’t believe he was there, waiting for me to come home from work. Deep in my heart I hoped he was there to work things out. I hoped he would apologize for his stupidity, tell me he loved me, and then ask me to be with him again.
I knew I would say yes.
But what if he was there to say something else? To end the relationship that was already dead? What would I do then?
I took a deep breath before I got out of the car. I shouldered my purse like always and carried myself with as much respect as possible. After seeing Francesca spiral out of control I realized I never wanted anyone to see me like that—pathetically weak. I held my head high as I walked to his truck, keeping a stoic face and pretending I didn’t have a care in the world.
He got out of the driver’s side then came around the front, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He stared at me with eyes mixed with sorrow and guilt. I was surprised he could look me in the eye at all. “You’ve got a minute?”
I already knew what kind of conversation this was going to be. My heart broke all over again but I kept that pain bottled deep inside. I refused to give him the satisfaction of hurting me. “Only a minute. I have somewhere to be.” I stared at him head-on and kept my voice steady.
He didn’t ask what kind of plans I had. “I’m sorry about the way I left…it was wrong.”
It was completely wrong.
“I panicked and didn’t think. I just ran. It wasn’t fair to you.”
No, it wasn’t.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I wasn’t ready to hear those words, and when I did I didn’t handle it well.”
“It’s okay, Axel. It seems like a lifetime ago now.” I kept my cool but died inside. I already told him I loved him so I wasn’t sure how well I could play this off. Could I really convince him of indifference if I just told him I loved him two weeks ago?
“I feel like shit.” His voice cracked, like he meant every word. “I loved being in this relationship and I really care about you but…I don’t feel the same way.”
Ouch.
Unbearable pain.
It hurts.
Make it stop.
“And I’ll never feel the same way,” he continued. “I just…I’m not that kind of person. After what happened with my parents and Francesca I just can’t be that kind of man. I don’t see myself ever getting married or having kids. I never expected you to fall in love with me so it was okay at the time, but now that I know you feel this way I can’t be here anymore.”
His idiotic belief that there was something wrong with him was stupid. He was perfectly capable of being a great man. He had the potential to love endlessly. He looked after Francesca like a father. All these insecurities and doubts were stupid but I didn’t waste my time telling him otherwise. He already made up his mind. “That’s fine, Axel.” I knew the second I walked into my bedroom I would burst into uncontrollable tears. But for now, I remained strong. “I get it.”
“I’m sorry…for everything.”
“It’s okay. Life goes on.” All I could do was be cold to him, just the way he was cold to me when he walked out of my bedroom. There was so much more I wanted to say, to tell him he let me down and broke my heart. I didn’t trust him in the beginning because he seemed superficial and dangerous. That instinct turned out to be right. But he wasn’t worth my time, and it would just make me seem bitter and angry.
He stared at me like he didn’t know what else to say. He clearly expected this conversation to go differently, for me to have a more profound reaction.
Hell no.
I eyed the time on my phone. “I really need to shower and get ready. I’ll see you around.” I turned and walked down the path that led to the front door. As soon as I got inside I could fall apart and give into my grief. I just had a few more steps.
“Marie?”
I stopped and took a deep breath before I turned around. “What?” My voice stayed strong but it wouldn’t last much longer.
“I really wish things were different…” He took a deep breath as he stared at me. Then without saying goodbye he got back into his truck and started the engine.
I walked inside the house and shut the door behind me as casually as possible, trying to make it seem like his presence and absence didn’t affect me in the least. But as soon as the door was closed my bottom lip quivered and my eyes welled up with tears.
I darted into my room and shut the door, wanting to be alone with my own devastation. I hadn’t given him the opportunity to see how much he hurt me, but now I got little satisfaction out of that. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up again. With my hands to my face, I sobbed. The tears dripped down my hands and forearms, and somehow I felt worse for getting so emotional.
A pair of warm arms wrapped around me, and Francesca’s scent came into my nose. She guided my head into my lap where she stroked my hair and allowed me to cry. She hushed me and rubbed my back, doing everything she could to make me feel better. “Marie, I’m sorry…”
I tried to stop crying but I couldn’t.
“You deserve better. And you’ll find him someday.”
I sniffed and stopped the tears for only an instant. “Would I be pathetic if I said I still wanted him…?”
Her hand paused in the middle of my back before it began to move again. “No. Not at all.”
Shipwrecked
Axel
I snapped out of my daydream when I heard my boss snap at me. I sat upright in my chair and stopped staring aimlessly at my computer screen. “Yes, sir?”
He tossed the folder onto my desk. “What the hell is this?”
“Sorry?” I grabbed the folder and opened it.
“Why are these reports over a week old?”
I flipped through the pages and realized he was right. They were old documents I intended to throw away. Somehow, they got slipped inside instead. “There must have been a mix up.”
“A mix up?” he snapped. “I was just about to give this portfolio to the Petersons. You know, the owners of NAIL and STEEL. Do you realize how stupid we would have looked giving that to them?”
“You’re right. It won’t happen again.”
“Damn right it won’t. Get your shit together, Axel. You’ve been dead weight around here for over a week.” He turned around and marched off while everyone else pretended they didn’t overhear the argument in their cubicles.
I tossed the folder on my desk and closed my eyes, willing this nightmare just to end already. It was impossible for me to concentrate on anything. All I could think about was Marie. When I broke it off with her it didn’t seem like she even cared. She was so disgusted with me that she was already over me.
Now that she was gone I returned to my hollow existence. My bed was uncomfortable now that she wasn’t in it anymore. I had no drive to succeed at work because I didn’t have any purpose. My chest constantly thudded like it wasn’t working properly.
I was miserable.
Breaking it off with her was the right decision despite how much it hurt.
At least I had to keep telling myself that.
Marie deserved to be with someone that could give her all the things she deserved. I hadn’t realized she pictured me as a possible husband or father to her children. I hadn’t realized she loved me.
I knew I adored her and thought the world of her. If something were to happen to her I would die. I was fond of her in ways I couldn’t explain. I’d take a bullet for her if it ever came down to it.
But there was no way I loved her.
I simply didn’t have that kind of capacity, not after all the people I’ve lost and almost lost. I was damaged goods, whether I wanted to admit it or not. Marie was full of life and vigor. She deserved to be with someone who could love her completely, that would be there when the times got tough.
She didn’t deserve a coward—like me.
“Damn, what’s wrong with you?” Alexia came to my cubicle, wearing a ridiculously short skirt like usual.
“Bad day.” Bad month, actually.
“I picked up on that.”
“I’m just going through a hard time…can’t concentrate.”
“Girl trouble?” She leaned against my desk.
“You could say that.” Was I having girl trouble if I didn’t have a girl at all?
“What happened?”
“We broke up…” Saying the words out loud hurt. It hurt more than I expected it to.
“That’s too bad.” She didn’t seem sincere at all. It didn’t seem like she gave a damn, actually.
“Yeah.”
“May I ask why?”
There was no simple answer I could give. “It just didn’t work out…” Because I was too fucked up to be good to her.
“Sounds complicated.”
“Yep.” I turned back to my computer because I assumed the conversation was over. “Well, I should get back to work.”
She didn’t walk away. “Want to get a drink after work?” She crossed her legs, and her skirt moved up slightly, showing more thigh than necessary. She had nice legs, similar to Marie’s.
I eyed her calves then looked away. I’d been with Alexia before and the sex was good. It was the carnal kind where your headboard crashed into the wall until it made a dent, not the slow and sensual kind I had with Marie. Getting laid might make me feel better and move on.
But I didn’t want it. “Not tonight. Maybe some other time.”
“Alright. I guess I’ll drink alone…” She left my cubicle and sauntered away, shaking her hips purposely.
I turned back to the computer and tried to get back to work.
But all I could do was think about Marie.
***
I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling.
No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get to sleep. I just lay there, eyes ever open. My apartment was quiet—too quiet. And it started to smell. When Marie was a regular visitor she spruced up the place. Sometimes she would put scented candles in my bathroom, usually lavender scent. She would do the dishes in the sink even though I asked her not to. And she always washed my sheets and bedding every Friday, using her own detergent.
Basically, she made the place smell like her.
But now that scent had faded away. It started to smell like old gym clothes and dirty dishes.
My scent.
I hadn’t gotten a good night’s rest in nearly a month. The mattress was uncomfortable and the sheets were too thick. Every time I turned over my back ached. There wasn’t a single position that felt right. Over and over, I turned one way and then another way.
Ugh.
I had no problem falling asleep at my desk at the office, probably because the distant sound of voices, phones, and fingers hitting the keyboard lulled me into sleep. But when I was alone, haunted by Marie’s ghost, I couldn’t find peace.
I missed her.
Like crazy.
Did she miss me? Did she ever think about me?
Did she hate me?
I turned over again then sighed when I realized I was more uncomfortable than I was a moment ago. Since I couldn’t sleep anyway I got out of bed and headed to my truck.
It was one in the morning and there were no cars on the street. I started the engine then drove to Marie’s house, unsure what the hell I was doing. I slowly crept up to the house and realized all the lights were off. After I parked at the curb I killed the engine.
I could see her window from here. She was lying in bed right that moment, snuggling with a pillow between her legs. She always slept that way, wanting to keep her knees apart. She probably slept in one of her old softball shirts. That’s what she usually wore when she didn’t have anything of mine to wear. Her hair was probably in a high ponytail and her fingernails were painted some bright color.
I wasn’t lying beside her but I was as close as possible. Since I was so desperate to get some sleep I decided to sleep there. After a few moments my eyes closed and my heartbeat slowed.
And I finally fell asleep.
Being Single
Marie
Break-ups suck.
I didn’t think Axel was going to be my husband but I didn’t think we were going to end so soon either. Now I was back on the market trying to find someone new. But everywhere I looked I saw Axel.
Despite what he did to me I still wanted him. I missed him.
And I still loved him.
“How long does it suck like this?” I sat across from Francesca at the kitchen table. I was painting my nails black to reflect my mood.
Francesca shrugged. “I couldn’t tell you.”
“How long did it take you to get over Hawke?”
She raised both eyebrows.
“Shit…” I forgot I wasn’t supposed to mention him ever again. “Forget I asked.”
She was flipping through a Martha Stewart magazine. “Who said I was over him?”
I stopped painting my nails and looked at her. “You aren’t…?” She was still dating Cameron and it seemed to be going well. I assumed Hawke was a thing of the past.
“I’ll never be over him, Marie. Not really.”
When she said things like that it made me realize how tame my break up was in comparison. Axel’s absence devastated me, but I never thought he was my soul mate. “Oh…”
“But I can tell you it gets easier…in time.” She dog-e
ared a page then made some notes.
“Like, how long?”
“At least three months. Maybe more.”
Three freaking months? Ugh. “Great…”
“Sorry. That’s the truth.”
“I wish I never dated him.” My hand slipped and I smeared paint across the top of my fingers. I grabbed the rubbing alcohol and scrubbed it off. I took off the paint from my other nails and had to start over.
Francesca watched me with non-judgmental eyes.
“I wish we just slept together and that was it. I wish nothing else happened.” I started over and added a fresh coat of paint.
Francesca kept staring at me. “For what its worth, I think he loved you. Actually, I think he still loves you.”
God, I wish that were true. “Frankie, he doesn’t. He said it to my face.”
“Yeah, I know what he said. But I also think he doesn’t realize he loves you.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Look, I know Axel better than you do—in a lot of ways. Sometimes he gets these weird thoughts and sometimes he doesn’t understand how he feels about certain things. I think he’s scared to fall in love because he can’t handle losing someone else—because he’s already lost so many people. Then he almost lost me…it’s a defense mechanism. It’s easier to let you go now than later.”
“Did you learn that bullshit in psych?”
“Marie.” Her voice turned heated. “I know what I’m talking about.”
“I really don’t think you do. He even went so far as to say he would never love me.”
“Again, denial.”
“Well, even if he is it doesn’t help me.” I blew on my nails so they would dry faster.
“Maybe some time apart will make him realize what he’s lost. And he’ll come back.”
The idea of him getting on his hands and knees and begging me to take him back filled with me an unnatural level of joy. But it was a dream—not even close to reality. “I’m not going to sit around and wait for him.”
“I didn’t tell you to.”
“Glad we understand each other.” I was being hostile to Francesca when she didn’t deserve it, but after all the shit she put me through I was entitled to vent my anger to her.