by E. L. Todd
“Do you want to go out on a date?”
“With you?” I stopped blowing my eyes and stared at her.
“I guess we could do that if you’re interested. But I was referring to Jason. Remember, he asked you out at The Grind.”
“Oh yeah…” I forgot about that.
“I can talk to Cameron about it.”
I just said I wasn’t going to wait around for Axel, but now that I was put on the spot I didn’t know what to do. The idea of actually going out with someone, kissing someone, and even sleeping with someone made me sick.
Francesca caught my unease. “You don’t have to decide right now. Give it some time.”
“I just don’t think I’m ready to date…”
“I understand.”
I bet Axel was hitting the town just like he used to. The idea gave me such a bout of nausea that I had to swallow the vomit that crept into my throat. The idea of him being with someone else…was something I couldn’t even contemplate.
***
“Do you want to go out with Cameron and I?” Francesca was ready for their date. She was dressed up in a skirt and a blouse, and her hair was done in pretty curls.
“And be the third wheel? No thanks.” I shoved the popcorn into my mouth and changed the channel.
“You wouldn’t be the third wheel.” She marched in the living room and blocked my sight of the TV.
“Yes, I would. Don’t worry about me. Go out and have a great time.”
“How can I go out when my best friend is miserable?”
“I’m not miserable.”
She looked me up and down like I was a pile of trash sitting on her couch.
“Okay, I don’t look my best right now. But I’m not miserable.”
“Just come out—”
Someone knocked on the door.
I waved. “Have fun.”
She sighed then opened the front door. “Hey, Cam.”
“Wow. You look great.” He stepped inside the house.
“Thanks,” she said.
“Ready to go?” he asked.
“Actually…
I knew where she was going with that. “You better go and have a good time. I’m not getting off this couch for anything.” I shoved another handful of popcorn into my mouth.
“Is she okay…?” Cameron tried to lower his voice so I wouldn’t hear him.
“I’m great,” I answered.
“Do you mind if we have dinner here tonight?” Francesca asked. “I’ll cook.”
“Hell no.” I set my bowl of popcorn next to me and turned to her. “Go out now, missy.”
“I’m not leaving you when you’re like this.” Francesca crossed her arms over her chest.
“Look, I’m fine.” I looked like shit but I was fine.
Cameron put his hands in his pockets. “How about we just reschedule?”
“No.” I pointed at him. “She needs to get laid more than I do.”
Francesca’s cheeks turned bright red.
Cameron shifted his weight and stared at the TV like he hadn’t heard what I just said.
“We’re having dinner here,” Francesca said. “No matter how terrible her company is.”
“Frankie, just go.” How many times did I have to tell her?
“No. You were there for me when I couldn’t even stand. To think I would do anything less for you is ridiculous.” She grabbed Cameron’s hand and pulled him into the kitchen. “Want to help me?”
“Sure.”
They disappeared into the kitchen but their voices still carried.
“Um, what’s going on with her?” he whispered.
“She and Axel broke up.”
“Oh…bummer.”
“Yeah. I was hoping it would work out too.”
“Is there anything we can do for her?”
“Not really,” she said. “We can just be here so she knows she’s loved. She did it for me and it helped more than she realized.”
After a long pause he said, “You’re a good friend.”
“She’s not my friend. She’s family.”
***
We finished a game of Monopoly around midnight.
“Why do you always win?” I asked.
Francesca shrugged. “Not sure. I must be smarter than everyone.”
“But not humbler than everyone,” Cameron teased.
I tossed everything in the box. “I’m tired but I don’t think I could fall asleep…” I hadn’t been able to sleep for a long time. Sometimes I thought about crawling into Francesca’s bed but now I wasn’t sure if she was sleeping alone.
“You know what helps me?” Cameron asked.
“Hmm?” I asked. “Please don’t say counting sheep.”
He chuckled. “Watching a TV episode I’ve seen a hundred times. It’ll bore you so much you’ll be out like a light.”
It was worth the shot. “I’ll give it a try.”
“I’m telling ya, it’ll work.” He helped organize the money before he put the lid on.
“I’m tired too,” Francesca said. “But I always fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow.”
“Lucky bitch,” I muttered.
Francesca ignored the comment.
“Do you want me to go?” Cameron asked. “Or do you want me to stay…?”
Francesca tensed at the question like he’d never asked such a thing before.
I tried to pretend I wasn’t listening by excusing myself from the table and grabbing my bowl of popcorn from the couch.
“Uh…I don’t know.” Francesca’s voice came out weak, and a little frightened.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to put on any pressure,” he said. “I was just curious.” He rose from the table and shoved his phone into his pocket. “I should probably get home anyway. Got laundry and stuff.”
“Uh, hold on a sec. Just give me a minute…wait right here.” Francesca darted to me in the living room. “Help me.”
“Help you what?”
“What do I do?”
I glanced at Cameron, who was standing near the door and looking at a picture on the wall. “I don’t understand what you’re asking.”
“Should I invite him to spend the night?”
“Frankie, that’s your call. Do whatever you want.”
“But I don’t know…”
“What don’t you know about?” I kept my voice as a whisper so he wouldn’t hear anything.
“It’s just…is six months too soon to be with someone else?”
Hawke had been with women longer than that. “There’s no time frame. It’s really up to you.”
She nibbled on her thumbnail.
“What do you want?”
“I don’t know…”
“You either want to sleep with him or not.”
“If I do I’ll think about Hawke the whole time.”
“Isn’t that the case no matter how long you wait?” I asked. “He’ll be on your mind no matter what you do. But after a few times, you’ll stop thinking about him. Just be honest with Cameron about it.”
“I guess…”
“You don’t have to sleep with him. You can just fool around. You know, round the bases. Have you guys done that?”
She shook her head.
“Just kissed?”
She nodded.
“Just keep it tame. One step at a time.”
“I guess I can do that.”
“And if you end up wanting to sleep with him, go for it. You have every right to. And you like him, right?”
“I do.”
“Then go with the flow.”
“Alright.” She continued to stand there.
“Now go back and talk to him.”
“Oh right.” She turned on her heel and headed back to him. “Yes, I want you to stay over.”
“Yeah?” A smile stretched his face. “Cool.”
Frankie walked down the hall with Cameron behind her. They went into her bedroom then shut the door.
S
ince they already went to bed I decided to close up the house. I was happy Francesca was getting back on the horse with a good guy, but I had to admit I was jealous. Tonight, she’d have a man to sleep with.
All I would have was my pillow.
Weakness
Axel
I sat in my car in the parking lot for nearly an hour.
I kept eyeing the coffee shop, seeing Marie walk around behind the counter. She wore one of those aprons that tied around her waist, and she was wearing cargo shorts that highlighted her long legs. Even in a work uniform she looked cute.
I’d been coming by every day in the hope I might spot her. Her work schedule was never the same. Some weeks she worked at night, and sometimes she worked in the morning. So if I walked in there right now it would look like a total coincidence.
And I could talk to her.
But I stayed in my truck like a pussy.
Why was I there at all? What good could come from this?
All I knew was I missed her. I wanted to see her, even if it was for just a few minutes. I was going to run into her eventually. Why not today?
I finally found my courage to leave my truck. I made sure my collared shirt was tucked into my slacks and my hair was on point. I straightened my tie then walked inside as casually as possible, like I didn’t expect to see her there.
I opened the door and walked in, noting how dead it was. No one seemed to be in here when I got off work, and I wondered how the place stayed in business. Maybe a ton of guys came in just to check out Marie.
The bell rang overhead and Marie immediately approached the register on cue. She hadn’t looked up yet because she had to wipe the coffee beans off the counter first. “I can help you whenever you’re ready.” She wiped her hands on her apron then finally looked up.
Damn, I forgot how beautiful she was.
Surprise fell over her face when she saw me. She almost couldn’t believe she was looking at me. Her lips slightly parted and her eyes were wide. Her hair was in thick curls around her face, making her look like a princess. Her make up was heavy today, making her look like a supermodel. Instantly, she recovered from the shock and softened her features, suddenly appearing indifferent.
It hurt.
I walked to the counter, and the second we were close to one another I smelled her perfume. The scent immediately brought back old memories, nights when I made love to her in my bed. She smelled like the candles she once placed in my bathroom. A few strands fell down her chest even though she tried to keep it behind her shoulders. I’d never forget the way they felt in my grasp.
Now that I was there I didn’t know what to do. I was stunned by her beauty, like I’d never truly appreciated it before. All I wanted was to hop over that counter and kiss her—hard. She wasn’t mine anymore, but on a certain level I still considered her to be.
God, I missed her.
Now I had to remember why the counter separated us. She told me she loved me and I didn’t feel the same way. We wanted two different things. There was no other way.
She stared at me patiently, waiting for me to order something.
It occurred to me than that neither one of us had spoken to one another. We just stared at each other silently, trying to hide our thoughts from one another. “Hi…”
“Hi…”
It was like old times.
“What are you going to have?” The iPad was positioned in front of her.
That’s right. I was supposed to order something. “I’ll have a London Fog, please.”
She tapped her fingers against the screen. “Anything else?”
You. “No.”
“$2.65.”
I pushed the cash toward her.
She took it and made change at lightning speed. Then she shoved it across the counter toward me like it was tainted. “Coming right up.” She turned around and prepared the drink, moving back and forth between the machines.
I watched her, treasuring the sight as long as possible.
After she added the steamed milk she set it on the counter. “Your London fog is ready.”
I grabbed it and placed a lid on top. “Thanks.”
She turned around and started cleaning the machine.
I stood there like something might happen, that she might say something to me to make me feel less alone. But she never did. “How are you?” I just wanted to talk to her. Ever since she left I felt like I lost my best friend.
“Great. You?”
“I’ve been better…”
“Francesca and I just tried that new Japanese place. It was pretty good.”
“Cool. I’ve been meaning to go there.” I hadn’t taken a sip of my drink.
“Well, have a good one.” She walked into the back and disappeared behind the curtain.
I suspected she wouldn’t come back until that bell rang over the door, telling her I had walked out or a new customer walked in. I stared at my drink and walked to the garbage can near the door. I didn’t even like tea so I wasn’t sure why I ordered it.
I tossed it and walked out.
Messages
Axel
“What?” Francesca pulled the pan out of the oven and dropped it on the stove. “Axel came to The Grind?”
I untied my apron and set it over the back of the chair. “Yeah. He walked in and ordered a London fog.”
“What did he say?”
“Hi.”
“And what else?”
“That’s it. We said hi to each other and that was pretty much it. Then he walked out.” I knew The Grind was close to his office so he probably stopped by on the way home, not knowing whether I would be there or not. The next Starbucks was five miles away and he wouldn’t drive all the way there when The Grind was right down the street.
“Do you think he went there on purpose?”
“I don’t know…I doubt it.”
“Why?” She had powdered sugar on her black t-shirt and a little on her nose.
“If he wanted to see me he would have said a little more. He just grabbed his drink and left. I mean, we’re going to have to see each other no matter what. Maybe he realized that and just got it over with.”
“Or maybe he misses you…”
I wish. “It didn’t seem like it.”
“I stand by what I said before.” She turned back to the pan and scooped the muffins out. “He loves you. He just needs to realize it. This time apart will pull his head out of his ass.”
If that was his way of doing it, then I wasn’t going to wait around. He stopped by The Grind, said two words, and then left. I could usually tell what Axel was thinking but in this regard I was blind. “How’d it go with Cameron last night?”
She placed the tray of muffins on the kitchen table and sat down. “It was alright.”
“What did you guys do?”
“Fooled around. Kissing, touching, stuff like that.”
“Third base?”
She nodded.
She didn’t seem enthused about it. “Did you at least enjoy it…?”
“I did. But I kept thinking about him…” She grabbed a muffin and picked it apart but didn’t take a single bite.
“It’ll pass.”
“It’s just strange. He was the last guy I kissed…the last guy I’d been with. It’s just weird to do all those things with someone else. When I was with Hawke, I thought he was the last man I’d ever be with. Having to date and try to find someone else…sucks.”
Now that I was in the same boat I understood. “I know what you mean.”
“Cameron is a really great guy,” she said. “He understands what I’m going through and doesn’t make me feel bad about it. I’m lucky I found someone who’s willing to put up with me. But…I don’t feel anything for him.”
“Nothing?”
“I’m attracted to him and I like him—but I don’t love him.”
“Well, love is rare. It’ll take a while for that to happen.” The only man I’d ever loved was Axel. And it took
me twenty something years to feel that way. I’d gone out with a lot of guys that gave me butterflies but those feelings were superficial. What I had with Axel was real. Would I ever feel that way for someone again?
“Marie, I don’t think it’s ever going to happen.” She grabbed a muffin and slid it across the table toward me. “Try this and tell me what you think.”
I stared at the muffin without processing what she said. “It will, Francesca. Just give it time.”
She shook her head. “You don’t get it. He was my soul mate. That kind of love only happens once in a lifetime.”
Even after the cold way he left her she still felt that way? “You really believe that?”
“Yes.” She said it without any hesitation.
“Are you sure you weren’t just infatuated with him? Sometimes those feelings can be misconstrued.”
“Marie, I know I sound crazy but I know how I feel. That’s what we had.”
I picked up the muffin and dropped the argument. “What’s in these?”
“Orange and cranberry.”
“They have these at Starbucks.”
“But these are better,” she said. “It’s made with real orange peel. And the cranberries I use aren’t dried out so they aren’t as bitter and tart. Just give it a try.”
I took a bite and slowly chewed. The flavors that entered my mouth were delicious but not overpowering. “Wow. These are good.”
“I think they’ll be a great addition to the shop.”
“Everything you make is a great addition. Make sure you write down these recipes and put them in a fire-proof safe.”
She chuckled. “I don’t know if they’re that good…”
Francesca had a real talent when it came to this sort of thing. “Have you thought more about the bakery?”
“Yeah. I still want to do it.”
“Great.” I was glad she had a goal in mind, one that she was so passionate about. “The semester is almost over so you should get started.”
“I was thinking the same thing.” She drummed her fingertips on the table. “I’m not sure how well a bakery would do here. We get a lot of tourists in the summer, but after that it’s pretty dead. I need a place with a lot of foot traffic.”
“Manhattan sounds like the obvious choice.”
“Yeah, but the lease will be crazy high…”
“Go big or go home, right?”