by E. L. Todd
We should prepare for the interview tomorrow. I really want you to get it.
“Awe…”
“What?” Francesca asked.
“He wants to coach my interview skills so I get the job.”
“This sweet side of him is one I’m not used to.” She took a big bite of her sandwich, getting peanut butter everywhere.
I texted him back. Come over whenever.
Want me to pick up dinner on the way?
Pizza wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.
You got it.
“He’s coming over now and bringing a pizza.”
“Ugh and yay,” she said. “I don’t want to watch you two make out all the time. But I wouldn’t mind a pizza.”
I liked watching her eat. For months she didn’t take a bite of anything. Now she was an eating machine just like before. “Get used to it. I suspect there will be a lot of kissing.”
“Yuck.”
***
Axel used his key to get inside. “It’s me.”
“The pizza delivery boy,” Francesca said with fake enthusiasm.
“If that’s the case I better get a tip.” He walked inside and set the box on the table.
“How about this for a tip?” Francesca gave him the bird.
I rose from my chair when he walked inside, excited for a hug and the kind of kiss that would make me weak in the knees.
Axel walked right past me and headed to the fridge. “I need a beer.” He grabbed a bottle then twisted off the cap.
That was weird.
“I’ve never had an interview for an editorial position before but I can only assume they’ll ask the same generic questions.” He grabbed a paper plate from the top of the fridge then fell into the chair, immediately taking a few slices out of the box.
I stood there awkwardly, unsure what to do.
Francesca glanced back and forth between us, just as confused as I was.
Axel pulled his laptop out of his bag and set it up on the table. “I have a lot of good stuff we can use for this. You’ll be so prepared they’ll think you’re interviewing them.” He looked up at me and gave me a smile before he turned back to the computer.
Francesca was the one who spoke up. “Is that how you greet your girlfriend? Or is it just because I’m here?”
Axel looked at her in confusion. “What?”
“You just walked in here and didn’t kiss me or anything,” I said. “Are you okay?”
Axel glanced back and forth between us, like he had no idea what was going on. “Why would I do that…?”
I crossed my arms over my chest, starting to worry if I dreamt that whole night.
Francesca stopped eating and began to look uncomfortable. “I just remembered I have to shower…because I smell.” She left the kitchen as quickly as she could without running.
Axel watched her go before he turned back to me. “Marie…”
“What the hell is going on?” First, he said I was the future mother of his children and then he slept with me. And now he was going to act like nothing happened?
“I thought we both agreed that was a one-time thing.” He slowly rose to his feet.
“When did we agree to that?” I couldn’t keep my voice down because I was pissed. Actually, I was beyond pissed.
“Nothing has changed. I still can’t be what you need me to be—”
“You said I was the future mother of your children.” Who the hell just says that?
“Look, that just slipped out. I was depressed and I was just talking—”
“And you were being yourself—honest and true. How can you say something like that but not tell me you love me?” It made no sense whatsoever. I was sick of his bullshit. He was taking me for another ride.
“Listen to me—”
“And then you slept with me. You initiated all of that and you acted like it actually meant something.” I couldn’t stop myself from screaming. I wasn’t just hurt at this point. I was livid.
“It did mean something,” he argued. “Of course it did.”
“But then we go back to just being friends? Or whatever the hell we are?”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I thought you knew that was just a one-time thing. I had a difficult time that day and I wanted to feel better—”
“By using me?”
His eyes darkened. “No. I didn’t use you, Marie.”
“You fucked me but don’t want to be with me. Yes, you used me. I’m not some dog that will just wait around until you want to play. I’m a human being with feelings, Axel. I told you I loved you, that I still loved you, and then you made me believe you felt the same way. Then the next day it’s like nothing happened.”
“Marie—”
“Fuck you, Axel.”
He took a deep breath like I just slapped him.
“I’m done with you. I’m done with this.” I pointed between us. “I’m officially done.”
“Marie, I didn’t fuck you. I made love to you—like I always do. It’s not the same thing and you know it.”
“But you still tossed me aside like I didn’t matter. It’s the same thing in my eyes.” I snatched his computer and shoved it into his bag before I pushed it into his chest. “Get the hell out, Axel.”
“It wasn’t like that. I thought you were in the same boat.”
I wanted to slap him. “Axel, what boat is that? The slut boat? You think I don’t use a condom with just any guy I sleep with? I thought what we had was special, that there was something more there besides using each other to feel better. You disgust me, Axel.”
“Marie, it wasn’t like that. I haven’t been with anyone besides you. I just can’t—”
I held up my hand to silence him. “I don’t want to hear your excuses, Axel. That’s all they are—excuses.”
He gripped the backpack in front of his chest.
“Get out. Now.”
He remained rooted to the spot like he might say something else. His eyes held my gaze before they looked at the ground. A frustrated sigh escaped his lips, one directed at me.
“Good bye, Axel.” This was the last time I would look at him this way. This was the last time I would allow my heart to love him. It didn’t matter how much I cared about him. I refused to be treated like this. I wasn’t some girl he could just pick up and drop whenever he felt like it. I was worth a lot more than that—even if he didn’t agree.
Screw Up
Axel
I hate myself.
No. I really hate myself.
How did I misread her? Why did I sleep with her when I knew she still loved me? Why did I give into my needs instead of putting hers first? Why did I have to screw up over and over?
I thought it was clear last night was a one-time thing. And when I said that thing about the kids…I never meant for her to hear that. I wish I could take it back instead of letting her get the wrong idea.
Now I felt worse than I did the other day.
Marie was one of the most important people to me. I adored her—absolutely and pathetically. But I couldn’t give her what she wanted. I should have kept that in mind before I broke her heart all over again.
Now she hated me.
And I didn’t blame her.
The last time we spoke she was so angry she couldn’t see straight. She screamed at me then kicked me out of the house. Her interview was today and I hoped I didn’t botch it for her. The last thing she needed was to stress over an asshole like me.
I headed to the house to see if she’d come home yet. Now that she had enough time to calm down we could have a better conversation than the last one we had. I could convince her I wasn’t trying to use her. Being with her meant something to me. It always meant something to me. She wasn’t just a warm body in a bed. Letting her think that hurt me more than words could ever explain. Those nights we spent together were beautiful and holy. I couldn’t let her taint them with misinterpretation.
I rang the doorbell instead of just walking inside
like I usually did. Marie’s car wasn’t in the driveway but she would probably be home any minute.
Francesca opened the door, looking pissed. “You really shouldn’t show your face around here for a while.”
“I want to talk to her when she gets home.”
“Well, neither one of us want to talk to you.”
I’d push her out of the way if I had to. “Frankie, let me explain. She got it all wrong.”
“How did she get it wrong?” She crossed her arms over her chest, looking remarkably similar to her childhood when she would steal something from my room and refuse to give it back. “If you don’t want to get back together with her, then she got everything perfectly right. Unless you’re here to say otherwise?”
“I thought she understood what that night meant.”
“And why would you make such an assumption?” Francesca was fiercely protective of Marie. If I really did something to hurt her, she’d kill me.
“Because we went to see my father’s grave…I was in a dark place. Come on, what do people do when they’re depressed? They usually get laid and eat a bag of Cheetos.”
“And you took advantage of Marie because you knew she would give that to you—because she loves you. And that’s what makes you such a pathetic excuse for a human being.” Spit flew out of her mouth because she was talking so fast.
“It wasn’t like that—”
“That’s exactly what you said.”
“No, it’s not. You’re twisting my words around.”
“No, I’m not. And that’s the sad part. You knew exactly what you were doing and you did it anyway.”
We kept arguing on the front door step, and by now the neighbors must have noticed. “Look, I haven’t slept with anyone but Marie since the first time I had her. Whether we’ve been together or apart, I’ve been faithful to her. It’s not like I’m going around sleeping with anything that moves. I thought that night was just a break from the distance we constantly kept from each other, but it’s not like she was just some piece of ass. If that’s all I wanted I could have gotten that from anyone. Marie is different. With Marie—”
“You. Love. Her.” She stomped her foot with every syllable. “When the hell will you get that through your tiny brain? It’s written all over your face. It’s obvious in everything you do. Stop dragging my girl through the mud and just admit how you feel about her. Just be with her, Axel. Shit, it’s not that hard.”
“I don’t love her.” I was getting tired of repeating that.
She gripped her skull and tried not to scream. “Axel…I swear to god I’m going to kill you.”
“If I did, I would admit it. Why would I keep lying?”
“Maybe you don’t understand what love is even though it’s looking you right in the face this very moment.”
“I can’t give Marie what she deserves. I’m not going to waste her time trying.”
“So, you’re going to yank her around on a leash until you finally decide to let her go? Axel, what you’re doing to her now is way worse than anything you could possibly do to her as her boyfriend.”
I put my hands in my pocket and watched the road, hoping she would come home soon.
“Axel, she’s pissed. Actually, she’s whatever comes after pissed. I’ve never seen her this mad. You’re on the verge of losing her for good. You’ve broken her heart too many times. Honestly, I think you’re too late even if you changed your mind right this second. She’s going to see other guys—really see them—and she’s going to get over you. By the time you wake up from this stupid dream of yours it’s going to be too late. And then you’ll really know what it’s like to lose someone.”
I kept my eyes on the street, not wanting to listen to her anymore. Her car appeared down the road, and as the seconds passed it came closer and closer. Instead of pulling into the driveway she stopped the car right at the curb. She took one look at us, wearing aviator sunglasses with an obvious frown on her lips, and then hit the gas and took off again.
“Go home, Axel.” Francesca walked inside and shut the door in my face.
I stood on the porch and watched her car disappear down the road. When I could no longer see it I knew she wasn’t coming back anytime soon. Not when I was here.
I took a seat on the stoop and rested my arms on my knees. If I had to wait all day I would. She’d come back eventually.
And I would be here waiting.
***
Later that night she pulled into the driveway. But she wasn’t alone.
A man was in the passenger seat, the same guy I saw her with at the restaurant.
They got out of the car and walked to the front door. Marie took off her sunglasses, revealing terrifying eyes. She had murder written all over her face. She wanted to bury me six feet under. “It’s so annoying when people leave their dogs on your property…”
I ignored the jab, and I ignored the guy she was with. “Marie, let me talk.”
“You said everything you needed to say yesterday.”
“You were upset and you weren’t listening to me.”
“Oh, I listened to you.” Her voice raised a few octaves. “And I don’t feel like listening to you again. Jason and I are on a date. Well, we’re going into my bedroom to have sex. But same difference, right?” She walked around me and headed to the front door.
“Marie, please give me five minutes.”
“Why?” She turned around and glared at me.
Jason stood there but stayed out of the way. It didn’t seem like he wanted anything to do with this conversation, and he didn’t seem jealous by me either. It made me wonder what kind of relationship they really had.
“Why should I listen to you?” she snapped. “This can wait for another day. Right now, I’m busy.”
“I don’t want you to screw some guy just because you’re mad at me.”
“Well, I don’t want you to screw me just because you’re depressed. We don’t always get what we want.” She unlocked the door and walked inside. She was so angry she wouldn’t listen to reason. Now I wish I hadn’t come over. If she hadn’t seen me on the porch she wouldn’t have picked up Jason.
I blocked his path so he couldn’t get inside. “Please go. I’ll give you a ride.”
“What?” He looked at me like I was a crazy person.
“You can’t sleep with her. Not when she’s like this. Come on, it wouldn’t be right. Don’t do that to her.”
“Jason, don’t listen to him,” Marie said. “Come inside.”
“Please.” I was practically begging at this point. “She’s not in her right mind. She’s only doing this to get back at me.”
“Dude.” He pushed me back. “If you really cared that much about who Marie sleeps with, you’d be with her. You aren’t getting any pity from me.” He walked around me and joined Marie inside the house.
Marie gave me one final look before she shut the door in my face. “Good night, Axel.”
It’s A New Day
Marie
I threw my purse on the table so hard it slid across the surface and fell on the other side.
Francesca shut the blinds to the window so Axel couldn’t see into the house. A grimace similar to my own was on her face. “I just want to slap him…”
Jason stood there with his hands in his pockets, remaining silent.
“He’s such an ass,” I snapped. “What did I ever see in him?”
“I tried telling you that in the beginning,” Francesca said. “But did you listen to me? No.”
Now I wish I had.
“Come on, Jason. Let’s go have sex.” I grabbed his hand and yanked him down the hallway.
“Uh…alright.” He followed me into my bedroom and shut the door behind him.
I slipped off my heels then removed my jacket. “Let’s get to it.”
Jason sat at the foot of the bed, still clothed. He watched me with expressionless eyes.
“What are you doing?” I grabbed the hem of his shirt and tried to
pull it off.
“Marie, sit down.” He grabbed my wrists gently and pulled them away. “Come on, let’s talk.”
“Talk dirty?” I sat beside him and felt the bed bounce underneath me.
“We aren’t having sex.”
“Why the hell not?” I pulled Jason in the house just for that reason. I wanted to get back at Axel, to hurt him the way he hurt me. I was tired of letting him walk all over me, breaking me apart over and over.
“Marie, do you honestly want to have sex with me?” He watched my expression, his eyes already containing my answer. “I didn’t think so. As much as I enjoy sex, I really don’t want to be with a woman who’s thinking about another man.”
Embarrassed, I looked away.
“And it sounds like something happened between you guys…”
I hadn’t told Jason we slept together. “I went to his place because he was going through a hard time. One thing led to another and we spent the night together. I thought we got back together, but to him it was just a booty call.” Jason and I weren’t exclusive but he had a right to know where I slept at night—and whom I slept with.
He didn’t seem hurt or disappointed, but the news was significant to him. “Marie, I like you. I think you’re pretty and smart. We have a great time together. But I really don’t want to get caught up in anything…”
I didn’t blame him for feeling that way. “I understand, Jason.”
“It doesn’t seem like this relationship with Axel is over. I’ll never have a chance under these conditions. I’m not a romantic guy, but I don’t want to keep competing against a guy I’ll never beat.”
“It is over,” I said. “But you have every right to feel that way.” Jason and I were never serious but the relationship didn’t start off right. We never had a chance because I never gave it a chance. I kept thinking about Axel, hoping our love would rekindle instead of focusing on the great guy in front of me.
“I don’t understand what’s going on between you. But it seems like you need to forget about him.”
“I know…”
“Give it some time to die down. Move on and find yourself. When you come to a good place give me a call. But for now, I think I have to take a step back.”