by E. L. Todd
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.” I looked her in the eye as I said it. “Not a doubt.”
“In that case, I’ll live with you—again.”
“Yay.” I pulled her in for a hug. “Besides, this way I won’t be so lonely. I’ll have someone to share the adventure with.”
“You’ll always have me to share everything with.” She pulled away and gave my wrists a squeeze. “Now, let’s pick out an apartment.”
***
I knew this day was coming. There was no way to avoid it, and there was never a way to avoid it. It was just the way of life. Axel was Francesca’s brother, and he would always be around.
I just had to make my peace with it.
He walked inside and immediately spotted the boxes stacked behind the couch in the living room. There were a few boxes on the counter filled with kitchenware we wouldn’t need for a few weeks. His eyes changed as he looked around, noticing all the differences. “Are you having a yard sale?”
“No.” I grabbed a permanent marker than wrote on the side of the box. I just placed all my dishes and Tupperware inside. I hardly used the dishes anyway. Paper plates were my poison.
Axel looked around again before he turned back to me. “Then what are you doing?”
“Moving.” I pushed the cap on the pen until it clicked. Then I walked passed him as if he didn’t exist. “So please get out of the way. I have stuff to do.”
“Whoa, hold on.” He stepped in my path and prevented me from going anywhere. “You’re moving? Where to?”
“New York.”
“Did you get the job?”
For a second I forgot how I got that job to begin with. Axel arranged it for me. Without him, I’d still be job hunting at that very moment. Despite his generosity I was still pissed at him. He really wounded me. “Yes.”
“That’s great…” Instead of being happy he seemed miserable. “I knew you would get it.” He swallowed the lump in his throat before he glanced at the boxes again.
“Thanks for helping me out with that…” I had to spit that out and get it over with. Showing him gratitude was harder than I imagined.
“No problem.”
“Well…I should get back to work.” I stepped around him.
“Wait.” He got in my way again. “When is this happening?”
“A week and a half. I’m taking off right after graduation.”
“That’s a little sudden.”
“Well, I start work the Monday after I graduate. So I need to get a move on.”
“It’s still rushed.”
“I don’t mind. I want to get out of here anyway.” Because of him.
He rubbed the back of his neck, continuing to stare me down. “This is a lot to take in.”
I was relieved I was moving away. Now I wouldn’t have to see Axel anymore. If my luck worked out right, I wouldn’t have to see him ever again. “Well, take your time—somewhere else.” I grabbed the next cardboard piece off the table and constructed a box.
“Is Jason going with you…?”
I wanted to lie. “No.”
“How does he feel about this?”
I didn’t want to tell him we broke up. I wanted him to believe I was sleeping with every guy in town and I didn’t give a damn about him anymore. “We stopped seeing each other.”
“Oh…”
“But that works out for both of us. I’m sure I’ll meet someone in the city.”
Axel put his hands in his pockets.
“Axel, are you here for a reason? Because I’m very busy.”
“I wanted to check on Francesca…”
“Well, she’s not here. And she’s fine. You don’t need to check on her anymore. By the way, she’s coming with me.”
“What?” he blurted.
“She’s moving with me to New York. She’s going to stay with me for a while until she gets her plans straightened out.”
He rubbed the back of his neck again.
Now that the box was made I picked it up. “Please let yourself out. I’ve got packing to do.” I walked into my bedroom then emptied out the clothes in my drawers. I expected him to follow me, to say something else about the sudden change of plans. Deep inside me, somewhere hidden in several layers, was the hope that he might ask me to stay or ask to come with me. When I heard the front door open and close I knew that wasn’t happening.
He let me go.
Detour
Axel
Marie was leaving.
I arranged that job interview because I knew how much she wanted it. Writing for Prada and going to work everyday in that beautiful building would make her happy. Having a job she loved would bring excitement to her life. Instead of working as an intern for pennies she would already start at the top. That was exactly what I wanted for her.
But now I had to say goodbye.
I knew I would make my way to New York eventually, but I wasn’t sure when the move would take place. And by the time it did, Francesca wouldn’t be living with her anymore. I wouldn’t have a single excuse to see her. We would never bump into each other at a coffee house or the subway. It would be nearly impossible for me to cross her path by mistake.
I’d never see her again.
The realization hit me painfully in the chest. I’d already lost her twice, both because of my stupidity. But this one was different. In this instance, I was losing her entirely—as a friend and a lover.
What would I do then? I couldn’t sleep outside her house anymore because she wouldn’t be there. I couldn’t keep her scarf any longer since it was just creepy. My entire world would be different, and the one girl I actually cared about would no longer be in it.
It actually scared me.
***
I walked into the house feeling weak. Marie’s car wasn’t in the driveway so I knew she wasn’t there. Graduation was tomorrow and I hadn’t seen her in a week. Every time I tried to run into her it never worked. I always missed her—usually by minutes. Could I let her leave without saying goodbye? Could I really let her walk away without saying something?
“What’s up?” Francesca’s hair was in a ponytail and she wore sweatpants. The house was nearly empty because they took most of the furniture to the new apartment in the city. The place suddenly looked smaller, not bigger.
“I just wanted to see if you needed anything…” I looked around at the bare walls, trying to appreciate the last remaining essence of Marie. Soon I wouldn’t be able to smell her perfume anymore. I wouldn’t be able to see her stuff laying around the apartment, the things that reminded me of her.
“I’m good,” Francesca said. “Just have a few more things.”
“Great.” Since there was no furniture I sat down and leaned against the wall. My knees were bent and my forearms rested on top. A heavy sigh escaped my lips, one full of depression.
Francesca stopped taping up the box then joined me on the floor. She sat on the carpet across from me, her legs crossed. “You okay?”
I shrugged and refused to make eye contact with her.
“Axel, if you want to say something to her now is the time.”
“And what would I say?” I looked out the back window into the back yard. The grass had grown a foot tall because the girls never mowed it. I would have done it for them but neither one of us had a mowlawner.
“The truth.”
I didn’t bother denying it.
“Axel, she’s going to be gone by this weekend. In a new city with new people she’s going to move on and you’re going to miss your chance forever. If there’s something you want to say, speak up.”
“And what would I say?” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “That I don’t want her to go?”
“That you love her and want to be with her.”
I refused to look at her.
“Axel, how long are you going to lie to yourself? How long are you going to convince yourself that you’re like Dad? You aren’t.”
I shook my head.
“I’ll never forget about her…”
She rolled her eyes. “Then let it be. You love her so just admit it. It’s written all over your face. It’s written all over the walls. Marie got you to forgive Dad when I never could. She makes you happy. I can tell whenever you’re together. She’s made you into a better man. You couldn’t keep it in your pants for a second before she came along, and now when you aren’t even together you’re faithful to her. Axel, this is the real deal.”
I still couldn’t admit it to myself.
“This is the bottom line, Axel. Can you live without her?”
Anytime I pictured the sky it wasn’t blue. When I pictured sharing my bed with anyone else it made me more depressed than I’ve ever felt in my life. When I pictured my happiness it was non-existent. I knew I would never care for another woman the way I cared about Marie. Whatever we had was special. It wasn’t something that could develop with anyone else. “Yes…but I don’t want to.”
Francesca’s eyes softened. “Then talk to her. She’s still upset over what happened but if you say the right thing you could get her to let it go. You could get her to forgive you.”
Would she ever forgive me after what I did? I didn’t just hurt her once—but twice. “Why did she and Jason break up?”
Francesca was caught off guard by the change in subject. “He was tired of competing with you.”
She told him how she felt about me?
“And they never slept together…if you were wondering.”
That was a relief—the biggest one I’ve ever felt. It was wrong for me to feel that way after I hurt her so much, but it was the truth. I didn’t want her to be with anyone but me.
“But that will change once she moves to New York. I can tell she’s ready to push through and forget about you as quickly as possible. This is your last chance—literarily.”
I was stuck at a crossroads and I wasn’t sure which road to take. If I let her go I’d return to my miserable existence in solitude. I’d always think about her no matter how much time had passed. I would wonder what she was doing, who she was seeing, and if she was happy. If I tried to make it work I might get everything I wanted. But it also might blow up in my face.
“Axel?”
“Hmm?”
The front door opened and Marie walked inside. “That apartment is getting smaller and smaller with all the stuff we keep adding to it.” She didn’t notice where we were sitting because she was texting someone on her phone. She stood near the kitchen table and finished the message before she set her things down. “At least the view is nice.” When she realized we were sitting on the ground she tilted her head to the side. “Everything okay?”
Francesca turned to me, silently asking what I was going to do.
I still didn’t know so I didn’t react at all.
Francesca moved to her feet and grabbed her purse. “I need to go to the store…aspirin.” She walked out and left us alone, the tension in the room increasing with every second.
She stared at me, her guard higher than a tower.
All my fears were still present. Anytime I loved someone I lost them. And if I had to lose Marie I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. But if I did nothing I was losing her anyway.
I rose to my feet then closed the gap between us. When I was face-to-face with her like this I noticed the distinct freckles on her face. They were hard to see under her make up but if I looked hard enough they were there. The shape of her lips always caught my notice. They were plump and shaped in a sexy way. They felt even sexier when they were against my mouth. Her green eyes were unmistakably beautiful. I missed the way they used to look into mine—like I was someone worth looking at. “Do you have a minute?”
“Yes. But only one.” She crossed her arms over her chest, keeping me at a distance.
Now that the hour had arrived I was terrified. I hadn’t thought this through or rehearsed what I was going to say. Telling someone your most personal feelings was a lot easier in theory. In reality, it was terrifying. One wrong sentence could ruin everything. “I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done to you. I’m sorry for the way I hurt you—more than once. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you right.”
Marie stared at me without any forgiveness.
“I wish I could take it all back.”
“But you can’t, Axel.”
I tried to ignore her vicious demeanor. If I considered it too long I would give up and walk out. “The first time we hooked up it didn’t mean anything to me. It was good sex with no effort. But after that all I wanted to do was have you again. That’s never happened to me before.” It wasn’t the most romantic thing to say but it was the truth. “After that I got to know you better. I spent more time with you, and as those weeks passed I didn’t just want to be in bed with you. I wanted your affection, your words, and anything else you could offer me. I think even then…there was something there. But then I got scared.
“Every person I’ve loved has left. First, it was my parents. Then Francesca, the only thing I have left, almost met the same fate. My closest friend moved away to a different city. I’ve survived all of that, managed to find a reason to go on. But if I lost you, really lost you, I wouldn’t be able to take a breath. I would be devastated beyond understanding. So, I thought keeping us at a distance would solve that problem. If I never really had you I could never really lose you. It was less painful that way. But the entire time we’ve been apart…I’ve been miserable.”
She kept her arms across her chest but the fire died down in her eyes. She couldn’t hold onto her anger—not forever.
“Now that you’re leaving, really leaving, I know things will be different. I won’t be able to see you whenever I want. I won’t be able to use Francesca as an excuse to stop by and look at you. I won’t be able to numb the pain in my heart by standing next to you. It just hit me now that I’m about to lose everything.”
She kept her face stoic, her emotions hidden deep under the surface. She refused to lay down her cards until I laid mine down first.
“I don’t want to lose you, Marie. I can’t bare the idea of never seeing you again. I don’t want you to move on with some other guy, and I don’t want to go back to being with a different woman every weekend. You make me happier than I ever thought I could be and I don’t want to lose that. So…please give me another chance. Please be with me.”
She tightened her arms across her chest.
“I promise I’ll be different this time. I promise I’m not going to get scared off and just leave. I’ll be there for you. I’ll be the boyfriend you deserve. After I get everything figured out I’ll move to New York and we can be together—”
“No.” She took a step back. “Axel, no.”
The rejection stung—painfully.
“I’m tired of being flung around like a toy. Sometimes you want me and sometimes you don’t. I’m not a dog. I’m a person with feelings. And I’m looking for a man who can treat me with respect. That’s not you.”
“I know I messed up in the past but I’ll be different this time.”
“You say that until there’s a bump in the road. And then you’re gone again. You’re only saying this because you’re scared. Your booty call is going to be in a different city so you can’t just use her whenever you want. Axel, I’m not stupid. This has nothing to do with your feelings for me. You’re just scared that things are changing.”
“That’s not true at all.”
“History has a way of repeating itself.” She looked away, staring at the empty living room. “You already played me twice. I always lose at this game I’m not rolling the dice anymore. I’m going to take my chances on someone else, a real man who can—”
“I love you.” The words burned my throat on the way out. It was the first time I ever said that to someone besides family. It hurt, but in a good way. In the back of my min
d I knew how I felt about Marie. It’d been there for a long time, nearly from the beginning. I felt something special for her, something I couldn’t feel for any other woman. She completed me, understood me, and she loved me. Anytime I pictured my wife’s face, it was Marie. She was the future mother of my children, the woman I would grow old with and still make love to when we were gray. She was my forever.
She took a deep breath as her eyes softened, clearly not expecting me to say that.
“I’ve loved you for a long time, probably longer than you’ve loved me. I was just afraid to say it…but now I’m not. Please give me another chance to make this right, to be what you’ve always wanted.” I put myself out there and now I was completely vulnerable. I revealed the true nature of my heart—that it only beat for her. I hadn’t slept with anyone else because my body belonged to her exclusively. Even when I had the liberty of being with other women I didn’t want to. All I wanted was her—from the beginning. “I know it took me a long time to finally get this right. I know I put you through months of torture, almost a year. But now I’m ready to be what we should have been in the first place.”
Her arms slowly lowered to her sides until her hands were joined together in front of her waist. The anger that was in her eyes minutes ago was now completely gone. She no longer hated me, no longer resented me for the things I’ve done.
Now we could move forward and start over. She would move to New York and I would join her the second I found a job there. I’d drive up on the weekends to be with her until that time came. We’d have to spend some time apart but we would make it through.
“No.”
I heard the words but didn’t process them. My brain refused to. It was an answer I hadn’t been anticipating, so therefore, it wasn’t possible. She loved me. It was obvious in everything she did. She would forgive me. She had to. “What?”
“I’m sorry, Axel.” Her eyes coated with tears. “I’ve already had my heart broken twice and I don’t want to feel it a third time. Now I’m too scared to give this another chance—even if you do love me. Somewhere down the road you’re going to get cold feet and leave again. I can see the ending before it even begins. I already went through it twice and I’m not doing it anymore. My heart couldn’t handle it.”