When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  I don't know anymore... maybe I'm dreaming it all, or maybe I've gone peculiar?

  I hate this world, I'm sick of it! it's like everywhere I turn it's yet another sick joke...

  Feh, what does it matter anyway? life is nothing but moments of repeated misery, intersped, and stretched out...

  ....Uh, wait a sec... intersped? Is "Intersped" even a word?

  or is it "interspersed?"

  Yeah... that's it...

  TWENTY SIX

  "I don't care anymore!"

  "Yeah, but seriously, I get it!"

  "I turned on the radio for the first time in... well forever, and wouldn't you know it? that's the first thing I heard playing! Great song! really good drumming, synthesisers! Yeah! All that stuff!"

  "...I can't stop pacing around my apartment! I can't... can't stop thinking! ...too much random, too much energy! energy?! ...negative energy! People are always sucking my energy for their own nefarious deeds! Crafty bastards! energy suckers are the worst, though, extroverts already piss me off! it's hard enough being a fucking introvert without having all you extroverted bastards stealing and draining what little I have left!"

  "Is everybody like that? I dunno, majority probably are! they certainly seem to be suckers... 'sides, it doesn't matter anyway, most people simply don't like me for whatever reason, I'm completely fine with it, of course 'cause the feeling is completely and utterly fucking mutual!"

  "I figured it out! I know why everybody I meet is a judgemental scumbag, and seems to automatically hate my guts, it's probably because I never talk to anyone! that's it! ..oh well, not my problem, I have nothing left to say to people anymore, besides, I already said everything I ever needed to! there's no point in doing the same things over and over! ...unless it's breathing, or something... shit. Anyway, language is pretty much useless and obsolete to me now... still, not my problem! ...could possibly compromise, though? start talking in nothing besides grunts and growls...

  "Enough! I should do something, I'm a manly man... Grr! what does it mean to be a man, though? Oh yes, to fuck and to kill, right?"

  "Fuck, and kill, and fuck, and kill, and fuck, and kill, and fuck, and kill, and fuck, and kill, and kill, and fuck, and kill, and fuck, and kill, and fuck, and kill... "

  *Knock knock*

  "and fu... Huh?"

  *Knock knock*

  Shhh! ..stopping talking! the door?! a knock at? ...this doesn't usually happen! ...who could it be? ...they better not be here trying to suck all my lovely energy away!

  I should use the peephole...

  Hmm.... Mr Peephole says it's... Amanda? Why is she?! what does she... best open up? see what she wants... Not all the way, though, just enough so she can't suck the energy out my nose!

  "H-Hello?"

  "Jack, is that you? how are you?"

  "I... Ok."

  "Can I come in?"

  "...Why?"

  "Um, because I'd rather not stand in a hallway talking through a crack in the door..."

  (Crack in the door, crack of my ass! who cares?! Fine! come in!)

  "Fine... come in."

  (...Backstabber!)

  "Thanks... wow... You must really love the color pink!"

  "What? oh, the... yeah."

  "*Ahem* so... were you talking to someone, just now?

  (Uh-oh.)

  "I, uh... No... why?"

  "Well, because when I was outside, I thought heard voices coming from inside here, you know? When I was standing right outside your door."

  "It was... It was the TV! *cough*"

  "...Where is it?"

  "Where's what?"

  (...Stop being so fucking nosy!)

  "Your TV? Jack, this is your living room, right? So, where is your TV?"

  "...what do you want?"

  (Bitch! ulterior motive having bitch!)

  "Oh, I just thought I'd call... It's been about a week since I first saw you here, and I wanted to see how you were doing!"

  (Tut, tut! I caught you in a lie, you've come here to spy... I can see the bruising around your eye!)

  "Jack?"

  "Fine, yeah, I'm ok. *cough*"

  "Well, good, that's good. I erm.. I wondered why you left so quickly when you saw me come in, the other day, I mean..."

  (It's because I don't want to be anywhere near you.)

  "...Jack? are you listening?"

  "Mhm, I sure am..."

  "Well, ok then, we saw each other for the first time since high school. It's strange that we should meet again like this and end up living in the same place, this apartment building, and when you first saw me the other day, I also thought it was strange when you just... up and left."

  "Why would it be strange Amanda? We barely know each other. You said that yourself."

  "I did?! ...wow, I, I suppose I did, didn't I? ...that, that was a long time ago, though. You must have a very good memory!"

  "Well, that's me! always remembering the things I don't want to..."

  (Ha-ha! bullseye!)

  "Jack is this, are you acting this way because... I turned you down when you asked me to the prom?"

  (No, gee... you think?!)

  "What? no... Wait, actually, let me think, yes! why yes! yes it is! now would you kindly leave my apartment, so I can go back to... doing whatever I was doing..."

  "Look, I apologise for turning you down, but that was years ago, for god's sake we were both kids back then! and you were coming on very strong... too strong, in fact."

  (Lying whore! lying whore! you are such a lying whore!)

  "Oh, what, you're still here? ... and you're still talking? oh, ok then. Right! proceed!"

  "What, I... listen, Jack, so I didn't go to the dance with you, so what? big deal, get over it ...I mean, if I knew you were going to be such a baby about it, and hold a grudge for as long as you have! I would have gone with you, ok?! does that make you feel better?!"

  (Still as beautiful as ever...)

  "...Jack?!"

  (... I'm still going to fuck-up her flawed logic, though.)

  "Of all the people, why did you go and shack up with the guy who kicked the crap out of Papercut, then? wasn't he your friend? or did neither of them tell you? Is that it?"

  "Papercut? who is.. I don't..."

  "Yes you do!"

  (Oh I get it now...)

  "Oh, I get it now. Amanda!"

  "...You get what Jack?"

  "I saw him! your "boyfriend" he was "coming on strong" that day, too! but it didn't stop you, did it?! I get why you're here though, you obviously made the wrong choice, and now you are with him, you're regretting it!"

  "...What? No! I'm here because I wanted to speak to you about..."

  "Is he finally coming on a little "too strong" with you?! ...aww! that's it though, isn't it?! ...be honest for once in your life!"

  "I said no!"

  (Liar!)

  "Come off it! I see right through you! you're sick and tired of that meathead boyfriend of yours, and you're wondering if you made the wrong choice all along!"

  "I..."

  (Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!)

  "HA! well you did! and maybe, yeah, maybe I'm not the right choice, but still..."

  (Do it! rub it all in! ALL OF IT!)

  "You made the wrong choice! nah, na, na, na, nah! and you don't want to deal with it anymore Hahahahaha! Ha-ha! HA!!!"

  "... I'm leaving! Who the hell do you think you are?! besides, from the looks of things you've just become some recluse! some, some freak anyway! I don't have to listen to this from you... Bastard!"

  *Door slams*

  "Bitch! ...Good riddance."

  TWENTY SEVEN

  "Lately have I really been talking to myself more?"

  "Well, I'm doing it now, so I guess so... honestly though, does it really matter? I'm only thinking out loud."

  Seriously, either way, I'd better cut it out...

  I have come to the conclusion I do not exist. Don't get me wrong, the actual concept of a
human being is there, and all the attributes of a person are there, flesh, blood, mind, body, feelings... thoughts, however, it's nothing but that of a hollow persona... a miserable illusion, my "actions" "thoughts" and "feelings" are more like those of a shadow, an echo, than of a man.

  No one knows if they really exist, and better yet, so few know, or even care that I exist, therefore... I don't. All these things then, they take no actual form.

  ...I'm not a person, there's nothing real here. So I'm not here. I'm an anomaly. I don't exist.

  I went to see a psychiatrist yester... last... Wait, I don't exactly remember when it was, I went recently though, and she pretty much confirmed what I already know... that I'm fucked. See, along with bipolar disorder, apparently I also have "Obsessive-compulsive disorder" as well as something called "Schizoid" and "Schizotypal personality disorder" actually, I have at least one or both of those last two, we're just not sure which yet.

  Still, who the hell comes up with these stupid names?! it's the 21st century and we're still using nonsensical terms like "Schizoid" to describe people?! man, the whole thing just makes me feel fucking crimson...

  I also have all the obvious stuff, anxiety, paranoia and more than a gentle touch of agoraphobia, most of which apparently contributed or led to my, erm...blunted affect. Now between the ennui, being morbidly hypersensitive, and my chronic existential-anxiety, it's not exactly news that I'm maladjusted. I mean, I already knew about the ocd, how could I not? I spent six hours straight once writing a single page letter... you know? tweaking it, changing it, et cetera. Still, after that I never actually sent it "whatever" I remembered thinking to myself, and then after that "who cares?".

  Oh, and how does it go again? oh yeah... "You are not your personality disorder".

  Needless to say I have problems, still, I am the most intelligent person I know and even I don't understand myself, and if I can't figure myself out then what chance do others have?

  The psychiatrist suggested that I try a new course of medication soon, she said she may prescribe them as early as next month, which will most likely be by the next time we meet, that is "if things don't improve" as she said.

  She and I both know, that the old pills I'm taking just aren't working anymore, well, not that they ever did. She told me the name of these new ones that she had in mind, I asked her to write it down... it was some unpronounceable fucking name, but with these new ones I checked, and you're really not supposed to be drinking alcohol with them, although, that's not going to stop me having a few sips every now and again, is it?

  Amanda... Bitch. I think my allergic reaction to people is starting to flare up again...

  Do you know, that when a woman sits down and crosses her legs, and this is in any room, mind you, her feet will always be pointed to the one she is most sexually attracted to?

  Hm, I don't know why, but I always remembered that.

  TWENTY EIGHT

  This hole... this pitch black never-ending hole.... I could stare into it for hours.... I have.

  This is the first time I've looked in a mirror in ages, I couldn't even remember what I looked like anymore. Sometimes I start to wonder if I'm insane, or if I'm really here at all.

  ...Noise, always with the noise from that fucking asshole band! it, it's like needles in my brain!

  I've seen so many Japanese people come into the country in the last few years, and inevitably, such a large migration of people will always have a flashpoint, where bigoted and small-minded detractors come out of the woodwork, usually in the form of the ignorant masses of xenophobic droolers, and now this so-called "None Indigenous Persons" movement too, which is simply some lazily-disguised, thinly-veiled, hate-speech by some ageing group of frightened nationalists, who are desperately trying "just one last time" to try and forward their thankfully old, and decaying ideals.

  I have to admit I feel sorry for any new arrivals to this place, not only because of having to deal with all the loud, inbred, chav natives, and their endless harassment, but because I can understand how hard it would be to leave your entire life, culture, and country behind...

  I hear the word for loneliness in Japanese is "Hitoribocchi" I always wondered why they needed such a long, overblown, five-syllable word to describe this tiny thing... this small yet strangely inescapable void that is forever gnawing at me, in the pit of my stomach.

  This exact same emptiness that sometimes seeps outwards, into all corners of my body... it's such a seemingly abstract state of being, that is so strange and hard to describe... and yet so all-encompassing, concrete and definite.

  Huh, maybe that's why the word is so long in the first place?

  I wonder how you say "I despise the entire human race" in Japanese, as well? that small sentence alone is probably the length of a entire haiku...

  Hmm..

  It's cold, hate people.

  Go to hell Amanda, bitch!

  Humans make me itch.

  ....God, I'm lonely... wait, I'm lonely? wha? ...why? I don't understand... why am I lonely when all I really want to do is to be left alone? I need to be left alone, my soul craves it. Still, it's always there in the background... lingering, that old familiar feeling, just like a laughter track on a shitty, overrated, and unrealistic U.S. sitcom.... well, technically, the old U.S. doesn't even exist anymore, and it's hard to take selfies or update your social media status from a concentration camp, but that's besides the point.

  Anyway, there's nothing I can do, sure I'm lonely, but again, I can't really do anything about it, I just simply have to deal with it. Besides, I don't make friends very well, but I make enemies fairly easily, however. So I guess I'm stuck this way... being lonely, at least I can admit that much.

  Still, I'm not quite lonely enough that I'd waste my time by constantly dealing with the majority of the trash out there, though.

  ...What's that? oh, here we go.... More arguing. I wonder if he's going to hit her again this time?

  TWENTY NINE

  "I had an epiphany today! I figured out that altruism is a lie, and that there is no such thing in the world as absolute selflessness!"

  "The definition of a truly altruistic act is "sacrificing something for someone other than the self". This near mythical, impossible event, has never once transpired in the entirety of human history!"

  "Think about it! 'Altruism' is a fictional construct, it simply does not, or never has existed! There has never been a action by anyone, anywhere, not one, that was entirely selfless! Never! not towards family, or even towards your own real or theoretical offspring. When it comes down to it, family means absolutely nothing! and any so-called "altruism" directed towards them, is only due to a built-in genetic predisposition to your own DNA's primitive means of self-preservation!"

  "Put it this way, if I give a homeless guy on the street my loose change, then why am I doing it? for the man you say? ...Wrong! I am doing it for myself! and how, you ask? well, it is for my conscience's benefit that I would be spurred into such selfless action, and why? well... will I not feel the pang of guilt if I simply noticed him, and then walked away? yes, yes I would! so by giving him my spare change, I am doing it practically for myself!... for my own conscience! ...so now you see then? that specifically, no selfless action can be taken at all, not without having some kind of inherent benefit for the self first, which means altruism in and of itself is impossible!".

  "You could apply this to practically any so-called "selfless act" even something so "noble" as self-sacrifice or martyrdom! For instance, does the martyr that dies in the fire, immolating himself for his beliefs, not think he will get into heaven for his own convictions? with such "heavenly" and "glorious" rewards as eternal life? So again, you see, the self! there are no heroes!"

  "...As for me, I'd rather live as a bastard, than die as a martyr!"

  "I'm going to write a book called "On Altruism" or something like that, and in it, I'm going to spend several hundred pages outlining, specifically, why people are cunts."

>   THIRTY

  It's been about a month or so since she came into my apartment, and in that time it's been business as usual around here, music, the usual noise, arguments...