When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  I told my psychiatrist I feel like my new medication is working, at least somewhat, even if I am still drinking while using them, and not to mention more than usual... still, I can think clearer, less jumping around to different negative memories and thoughts. I'm still rarely leaving my apartment though, I'm mostly laying in bed, or wandering around wrapped in my quilt or robe, and lost in my own thoughts most of the time, well, when I'm not occupying myself with other... things.

  Like for instance, this shit happened to me while I was driving down to my appointment. So, I'm minding my own business, right? driving completely normal, when all of a sudden this crackhead or something behind me starts beeping, honking and flashing its lights, well, as I'm not doing anything particularly out of the ordinary, I look down to check my speed... I'm doing thirty-five in a forty zone, and so I ignore the prick.

  Anyway, a few seconds later he drives past me, and while he's driving past, he decided to roll his window down and give me the finger while telling me I should "get off the fucking road if I'm going to drive like an old woman!"

  Ok, here's the thing, what the hell is it that you have to do that's so important today, anyway? that you need to go those extra five-stupid-miles-per-hour faster for? What is it?! you want to whack-it that badly or something? I mean, you sure didn't look very important to me, and you sure as hell didn't look like you were going anywhere that is! ...Tell you what, asshole, next time I'll go those precious extra five miles per hour for you, if you stop living your life as such a worthless, ignorant, sack of meat... Deal?

  Honestly though, apart from the occasional random encounters with fuck-heads like that, there has been some noticeable progress since I started therapy... it took a while, and don't get me wrong, most of the stuff in my head is still bad news, still, it's the small things, the small improvements that I noticed, for instance, I've stopped thinking out loud so much, y'know? talking to myself? and the mania attacks aren't half as bad, or even as frequent as they once were, although. there has been a downside as well. I feel even more empty than before, which before now, I didn't even think was possible, and also, it feels like I've lost a large chunk of my creativity as well.

  I still hear them arguing all the time, though, Amanda... Once I heard him shouting something like "Well I'll join the army then, is that what you want?" but obviously, with much more profanity. The police have been around a few times since then as well, I hear her crying sometimes when I'm trying to sleep, it's usually shortly after he slams the door to their apartment on his way out after another massive argument. I don't know how I should feel, if I should hate her, or feel sorry for her instead? so I'll probably just continue doing neither...

  Wait, no, forget that... I talked about this kind of thing in therapy. What I'll do is, when they argue, and if I hear any sobbing next time he leaves... and the coast is clear I... might knock on their door to see if she's alright, and apologise, maybe... you know? for that day a few weeks back. I'll try to explain to her, that I was having a seriously rough patch or whatever... and who knows? maybe she'll understand and I won't have to keep obsessively thinking about it all the time.

  ...Yeah. I'll probably do that.

  THIRTY ONE

  *Muffled shouting, arguing stomping*

  It's been a long time since I had any friends, since I was young, really, since then I only ever felt like I could be myself, by myself, and never among other people, due to this my social skills have sort of... dwindled away over the years... ha! "social skills?" that's a laugh! I never had any to begin with, besides, who needs 'em? just learn to lie cheat and steal your way through life like everyone else does.

  Anyway, I was always socially awkward, and due to that and other things I never really trusted people. So, early on in life, and for a good while there were no other people I could actually call "friends" and so I didn't have any... well, I had a friend, just one... she was my best friend for a long time, my only friend, really. I met her at school one day, well, it'd be fairer to say that she actually met me, we were both very young, and when no one would talk to me and everyone else hated me, one day she tried.

  ...She's dead now, last I heard it was leukemia after she moved away to Scotland. We still kept in touch for a while until... oh, that must have been about ten years ago now? ...eleven years? ...something like that.

  Time flies.

  I hate that my parents, my mother wouldn't let me see her one last time before she died...

  I hate that I never even got to go her funeral...

  To say goodbye...

  "...AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING, YOU BITCH!"

  *Door slams*

  Typical, like everyone else around here, still too damn stupid to simply walk through and shut a goddamn door! well, he must be heading out, I can always tell now, what with him violently screaming random obscenities, and the door slamming shut.

  I have a theory:

  Put two people into a room for long enough, anyone, it doesn't even matter who it is, and I'm talking about anyone, I'm serious, you could put the Dalai Lama and Gandhi in there together for the exact same result. Now, just wait around long enough, and I swear-to-god no matter how long it takes, sooner or later an argument will ensue, I guarantee it!

  Wait... didn't I say to myself a while back that I would go and speak to her if I heard her crying? hmm, well I don't hear anything...

  Ah, it's probably for the best, I've got more than a few drinks in me and I only just crawled into bed, I mean, yeah, sure, it's three o' clock in the afternoon, but still, don't judge me.

  Three o' clock? they say Jesus Christ was crucified at three... but then again, they say a lot of things, and anyway, most of it's complete bullshit.

  *Quiet sobbing*

  ...Oh man, now I think I hear her crying. What should I do? should I leave it? what if I make things worse? worse for everybody. I, I still feel guilty about last time, though.

  Maybe I should leave it? yeah, besides, after last time she'd probably just tell me to piss off, and who could blame her? I suppose I can be a bit of a dick...

  *Sobbing grows louder*

  I don't think I want to listen to this, so I'll just wrap this pillow round my head... there, that should do it. Good, now I can't hear anything!

  Thinking about it... I suppose I can be a bit of a dick... but why does that thought keep running through my head? it's not like I just came to some great realisation or anything, some kind of biblical sized revelation... Jeez, I mean if I'm completely honest about it, a lot of the time I'm probably more that a bit of a dick, I can be a huge dick sometimes, I'm sure. I'm talking like a foot-long monster here! twelve inches of ragin' fury! and I'm sure I can be a modicum cunty at times too!

  Sure, I'm fully aware of all my flaws... I'm just utterly incapable of doing anything about them. Isn't that why I've chosen to be alone in the first place? besides, people do nothing but make me miserable, I do nothing but make people miserable, so I should... just keep locking myself away from the world?

  Yeah, in the end this is what it's all about, isn't it? This is my comfortable first-world penance, besides, if I left my own little world now at this point, it most likely wouldn't end very well.

  ...I wonder if she's still crying. I'll check.

  *Loud frantic sobbing*

  Oh man, I feel really bad... I mean, I could have been nice to her that time... what if she's like me and she's got no one? I'm the kind of person that's used to isolation, but some people, they can go crazy!

  I-I think I might knock and ask if she's ok? yeah, after all, I probably should... alright getting up... Shit, I better remember my clothes this time...

  ...Ok, bathroom mirror.. ack! I said DAMN! First and foremost, before I go anywhere I'm gonna have to shave, seriously... I'm serious, DEAD fucking serious! then I should probably cut my hair? it should only take me a couple of seconds for a quick trim, ok, yeah... I'll do that.

  Now... my clothes?... where... are.. clothes? ... erm, where are my.. jeans?
uh, left them some... here they are! I should *sniff* wash these, goddamn! which reminds me, I haven't done any laundry for... Well, forever, shit... never mind, just put these on... I'm only going down the stupid hall!

  *Sobbing continues*

  Ok, I'm ready! a little dutch courage... and.. oh yeah, that hit the spot... Wait, let me look in the mirror before leaving first.... I... oh god.. whatdidido! my hair! I don't believe it... I did it again! ...I look like fucking Papercut!

  Aw, fuck! ...well, that's it, I can't go now!

  No... what am I thinking?! screw that! seriously, it's only hair! who cares? really? I'm not soulless and completely image obsessed like all the rest of the phonies out there, it's always appearances with those low-brow plebs! and they're the kind of people who rehearse speeches alone in the mirror... So much vanity from people now, even on their deathbeds...

  Besides that, it's like I said, I'm only going down the hall... pft! and it's hair! it'll grow again! I'll be back in a few minutes anyway, I'm only going to check on her and apologise for last time, so as I said, who cares? what the hell does it even matter?

  *Door opens*

  ...Alright, off I go!

  THIRTY TWO

  *Knock knock*

  "Uh, hello... Amanda? are you in there?"

  *Quiet sobbing stops*

  "...Who, who is it?"

  "It's Jack."

  (Wait. If she knows it's me, will she even open the door? I didn't think about that now, did I?)

  "Jack?! ...What do you want?"

  "I came to, uh..."

  (Apologise... take your time, asshat.)

  "Can you open the door, please? I don't really want to talk through it, besides *people might be listening!*"

  *Slow footsteps*

  *Door slowly opens*

  "...Whatever it is you want to say Jack. Make it quick."

  (No bruises this time, still, red bleary eyes, and her mascara is running. Yeah, she's been sobbing alright, ah, I better go in and shut the door...)

  *Door shuts*

  "Amanda? I, erm... I came to apologise for the other day. I mean, the other, uh... month... Look, I don't want there to be any bad blood between us, you know, all these lingering hang-ups about things that happened in the past."

  "Right, because it's not like you to get hung up on anything, is it Jack?"

  (She's got you there, dude.)

  "I, yeah, that's er... fair enough, I suppose."

  (This isn't going very well is it? you may want to rethink your battle plan, well, if you had one that is. Still, it's probably best to form an organised retreat at this point.)

  "I'll, uh, I'll be off then... No, first, Amanda, first I want to apologise to you. Listen, I've been going through a kind of... rough patch lately."

  (Tell her you're batshit crazy!)

  "No!"

  "No, Jack? no, what?"

  "I-I mean that was NO excuse for the things I said, and how I treated you when you came into my... Ah, listen. I'm really, really sorry for the things I said to you that day, even though I'm a bit late at this point, I came here specifically to, uh, apologise, I... er... suppose I'll see you around then?"

  *Amanda sighs*

  "Sit down..."

  (Huh?)

  "...Huh?"

  "Well, at least you washed up and shaved this time, so that's a start..."

  (What?! You're actually going to tease me?!)

  "Jack, sit down. I'll make you something to drink."

  "I...ok."

  (Well nice plan Patton! good job! but if you haven't realised it yet, however, now you're totally fucked! because as you clearly haven't noticed, you just went through THE ONLY PART OF YOUR AMAZINGLY BRILLIANT PLAN!!!)

  "Tea ok?"

  "I. Yes, tea. Tea is a good thing!"

  "How, how do you want it Jack?"

  (Hot and wet, say that!)

  "I, uh, hot. With water!"

  "Yes. It will be hot, with water. You want sugar?"

  (Sweet, sweet, sugar...)

  "S-Sure! sugar."

  (Surprise, idiot. She's looking at you like you're weird!)

  "Just one *cough* sugar, please. No milk. Vegan."

  *Loud rock music starts to play*

  "Alright, wait here... and you go ahead and shut that window if the music's too loud!"

  "...Ok!"

  (She means the noise from that band of fucking assholes over there! I see em' ..the tall one with the mohawk seems to be drinking every few seconds, even between "singing" and "playing" ...they're all clearly assholes.)

  "H, how long have you been listening to this noise?"

  "...WHAT DID YOU SAY JACK?!"

  "These guys across the way! How long have you been listening to them?! THE NOISE!"

  "I CAN'T HEAR YOU FROM THE KITCHEN OVER THE MUSIC! SHUT THE WINDOW, THEN TALK!"

  (Ok, fine I'll shut the fucking window then... There. Shut!)

  "... Here's your Tea."

  "Thanks."

  "What did you say a minute ago, Jack?"

  "I said how long have you been listening to those... people, across the way playing all their wonderful noise?"

  "Oh, you mean the band over there? Bert and I have been here for about six months or so, give or take."

  (Six months? hmm, longer than me then, still, "Bert?" that's his name, her boyfriend? She's actually going out with a guy called "Bert" ...are you fucking serious?! His name is actually Bert? My god that is such a stupid name...)

  "... Six months you say?"

  "Yeah, around that, but they haven't been over there that long, so... "

  (Seriously, who the hell calls their kid "Bert?")

  "I uh, I don't even live this close to them and they drive me crazy, how do you deal with it?"

  "Well, I've just kind of gotten used to it, you know? Bert hates them of course, he's even had screaming matches with one of them once or twice, still, it could be worse, they could be terrible."

  (... It's probably his mother that named him that, I mean, no wonder he hates women... Wait a second, what's she talking about?! they are terrible!)

  "What?! they are terrible! can't you hear them? all that godawful banging, clanging and wailing?! Just listen!"

  *Loud vocals feature heavy bass and drumming, with a distorted lead guitar*

  "...WHEN WE WERE SEVENTEEN! WHEN WE WERE SEVENTEEN! AND YOUR HEART WAS SHOWIN' AWAY! AND YOUR HEAD WAS BLOWIN' AWAY!"

  "I don't know, it sounds pretty good to me, wait a minute, oh, I see... Not a fan of rock and roll, are you?"

  "No, of course not! it's nothing but noise and stupid macho posturing!"

  "So... you don't listen to rock? like, at all? Not even say... AC/DC?"

  "Nope."

  "Not even... Led Zeppelin?"

  "Nu-uh."

  "... Black Sabbath?!"

  (She's really going to keep going on about rock music? Oh, please...)

  "....No."

  "The Stooges?!"

  "No, not even them... whoever they are."

  "The Beatles?!"

  "WHAT?!?! are you mad?! ...Why would you need to ask me such a question?!... anybody with any taste whatsoever likes The Beatles, of course!"

  "I'm just playing with you Jack! I don't even listen to most of those bands. To be honest, the only way I really know about them is because those guys over there like to argue really loud sometimes... Well, actually, all the time."

  "But still, they seem to be really good! especially with the kind of versatility they have, I hear them playing all kinds of things, most of them are easy on the eyes too, especially the guy drumming!"

  (She may be beautiful, but I can't vouch for her taste in men, or music.)

  "So, Jack, what kind of music do you listen to?"

  "I don't really listen to music much, anymore."

  "C'mon! there must be something you like?"

  "I, well... Chopin, I suppose?"

  "Show-pan?"

  "No... Chopin. I, how do I explain? well, I guess you
'd call it classical but..."

  (Don't start...)

  "...Chopin is like... Life, like breathing, he was a genius at what he did, he could drift from lightheartedness to melancholy without even so much as skipping a note, and when he did change tempo, then it.. it felt completely natural, you know?"