I was too exhausted to think about it anymore, so I dropped it. I literally zipped my lips shut, plunked my head down onto the pillow and let the tears stream, complete with unattractive sobs. My heart stung with the painful knowledge that I would never have a child of my own blood.
Cam swathed his arms around me and whispered his apologies in my ear. He truly did sound sorry, but I was more sorry; sorry I had made the same mistake twice. Edwin had only said not now. An icky feeling rummaged through my innards with the realization that Cam was saying not ever.
That night I fell asleep sobbing in Cameron’s arms, mourning the child that I would never have.
***
A HEAVY DEPRESSION HAD settled over me and even after all the time that had passed, it hadn’t changed a thing. Day after day I tried to stave off the loneliness I felt, but nothing could take my mind from it. I pushed away all of my friends and it wasn’t long before Aliah grew tired of my moaning and stopped calling altogether.
It was too difficult to see Maddie with her growing belly and Hunter with his glee about the gymnastics his child was performing before his very eyes. My jealousy raged silently and I felt myself pulling away from any and all sources of socialization.
I stared out the car window at the dreary, winter sky, as Cam drove us to a local video store one night. “This is just what we need," Cam said, certain it would brighten my rotten mood.
I didn’t respond. Instead I turned my gaze to the mirror on the side of the car. Pheobe stared out the window too, equally as lifeless. She looked miserable. I was bringing everyone down.
Cam had tried to explain to her why I was feeling the way I was, but she was much too young to understand. Nobody could understand.
As we strode toward the new releases Pheobe ran ahead to check out the video games. We stopped in front of the tall wall of blu-rays and Cam read the backs, likely in search of a movie that wouldn’t set me off. I was uninterested in choosing a movie. Instead, the young kids nosing around the bottom shelves for their own show claimed my attention.
A little boy, with shaggy brown hair, who couldn't have been more than two years old, had his finger in his nose. He came out with a huge booger, much too big for a boy his size, and looked around for a place to wipe it. I zipped open my purse looking for a tissue, but it was too late.
Cam was standing closest to the toddler, and the boy grabbed onto his leg, wiping his snotty little finger all over Cam's pants. Cam smiled at me and patted the cutie pie on the head, but the boy didn't budge from Cam's leg. I hadn't laughed in weeks, but the fact that Cam hadn't even noticed what had happened, just made me hysterical.
A few bystanders flashed me a curious glance, together with Cameron, but he seemed the most surprised to see me smiling. I couldn't stop laughing and when the little girl next to me realized what I was laughing about, she started to giggle too. She pointed at Cam's pants and covered her mouth as she squealed about it
"Ewww! Look at his pants!" she chirped.
An older boy, with a healthy round belly, laughed next to her. Then he started slapping his knee. "Ha, ha, ha!"
When Cameron finally realized what the hoopla was all about, he didn't seem very impressed. "Aww, that's just great!" he said, looking at me sternly.
Cam looked so adorable, with the cute, little boy still clung to his leg. I imagined what my little boy would look like attached to his thigh and his anger couldn’t even phase the fantasy that I had created for myself. I tried to stop snickering, but I couldn’t.
"It's really not a big deal," I said, with a huge smile on my face.
The mother of the children came running up to Cam to pry her little guy off of him. "I am so sorry. He just snuck away. You look a lot like his father," she explained, scooping the the boy into her arms.
Her daughter pointed out the booger and she blushed, biting her lip, as she wrestled a tissue out of her purse. "Here's a Kleenex."
Cam didn't accept it, and so I did for him, wiping the sizable nugget from his pants.
"Again, I do apologize. Kids," she stated.
I nodded, smiling. "Thank you. Really, it's nothing."
Cam continued brooding silently.
The mom smiled at me. "You must have kids."
I pressed my lips together in disappointment. "I don't, actually. But I’ve always dreamed of having them."
Cameron flashed an annoyed glance at me and my misery returned with a vengeance. He was being a total jerk. I would have thought that, being a single father, he would have been a little more forgiving.
The woman rested her free hand on my shoulder. "Well I think you'll make a good mother someday," she said, before flashing a sharp eye at Cameron.
The fact that this woman could read into our situation so easily gave me a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. The woman hiked her son up higher on her hip, then turned on her heel to head back to the children's section.
After the lady walked off, Cam whispered in my ear. "That's exactly why I don't want to have any more kids."
He had to know that would hurt me on so many levels. And if it weren't for Pheobe coming back to my side, I would have shared a few choice words with him.
Later that night, after suffering through most of the movie, Cam carried Pheobe to bed. When he returned, he could tell that I was done with it. I felt like a useless shell of a person and couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was put on this earth for a reason: to reproduce. I struggled with defining the point to life, if I didn't make babies.
Cam watched my eyes as he turned off the TV. "What's the problem now?"
I turned my glare on him. "As if you don't know."
"Please tell me this isn't about the baby thing again. It's all you ever talk about and it's really starting to test my patience."
"Why? I'm not entitled to have feelings too?" I tried to stay hushed, but it was difficult in my angered state.
Cam seemed very distant, but he was sitting right next to me. "I didn't say that."
"You might as well have." I forced him to look at me, to see just how serious I was. "I've dreamt my whole life about having babies and raising a little person that I can say is a part of me. I want that, Cameron. Don't you see?"
"Yeah, well, forget it. Been there, done that. It's not gonna happen. Not as long as you're with me," he added, with such ease that it hurt.
"See, there's the problem! You've already experienced all that and you refuse to look at it from my perspective. This is really important to me, Cam. I’m trying, I mean really trying, to get over it. I don't know if it's something I can give up."
"You don't mean that," he said, understanding the consequences of what I was saying.
A tear fell down my cheek. "I do." I started to wonder if he truly loved me. If he did, wouldn’t he at least consider having his surgery reversed to try to make a family with me?
"It's late," he said. "Why don't we go to bed and talk about this in the morning with clear heads."
As if another night would change anything. "My head is clear, Cameron. But I'll do it. For you." I let out a long, slow breath. "I'm telling you now, though, it’s not going to change how I feel.”
***
I DECIDED TO GO along with Cam as he drove Pheobe to her school. It was rather sunny for a cold, February day and it gave me hope that my mood might follow suit. I waited in the car, as Cam brought Pheobe inside. It was then, watching him holding Pheobe’s hand, with her smiling up into his eyes, that I admitted: I have to have my own baby.
When Cameron rounded the hood of the car, he watched me intently. After sliding into his seat, he cupped my cheek and gave me a brief kiss. His eyes begged me to tell him what was wrong. He didn’t want to hear what I had to say.
Even I was getting tired of rehashing over it, but I had to tell him the truth. "I'm having a hard time getting over what happened last night. How you treated that little boy.”
He searched my eyes, then dropped his hand to put the car in gear. "Didn't you see what
he did? And his mother, she was no better." He glared out the windshield.
"What is your problem, all of a sudden? You're so great with Pheobe and I thought you loved kids." I raised my voice and I couldn’t believe the emotions it evoked.
"I love Pheobe and I do like kids, but that doesn't mean I want another one. I know that's what this is all about," he said, waving his hand over the steering wheel.
I didn't reduce my volume. "Even if it means losing me?"
Cam turned his head and shot me a fathomless, blue glare. "Are you breaking up with me? I thought we made a promise."
That look stabbed through my heart. "The whole point to my existence is to bear children, Cameron, and you want to take that opportunity away from me." My voice softened, as I lost my fuel.
He tried to soothe me with his mesmeric voice. "You won't be without a child. We’ll have Pheobe."
My anger stewed, as we pulled into the parking lot at work. "It's not the same." As soon as the car stopped, I got out, slammed the door shut and stomped into the office, scowling. I couldn't face him. Right now, I only wanted to shake some sense into him.
"Abby, wait!"
I had a good head start and, though he jogged after me, there was no way I would let him catch up. I thrust open the lobby doors and dashed inside. Taylor greeted me when I stormed in, but I was too preoccupied with myself to respond.
Cameron followed behind me. "Sorry about that," he said to her. “She's having a rough morning."
I was out of sight, but not far enough off to be deaf to his remark. "Speak for yourself!" I shouted, putting the entire office on notice not to mess with me this morning.
Cam came up behind me and gently grabbed my arm. "Can we please leave this conversation for home?" he asked, with harsh, accusatory eyes.
I yanked my arm from his grasp and lowered my voice. "Don't worry. I'll be professional. It'll be as though that conversation never happened," I said, bitterly.
He let out a breath of exhaustion. "Please don't do this, Abby. I don’t want to fight."
"Give me a family and the fight is off. It's as easy as that." I had made my point loud and clear to all that listened.
"We'll talk about this tonight," Cam said, warning me that our argument was far from over. He spun on his heel and disappeared around the corner.
After glowering at the wall for a few more seconds, I turned to find Owen standing there.
"Everything alright out here?" he asked.
"It is what it is," I said. None of his damn business. I walked straight to my desk, leaving him standing there, confounded by my behaviour.
***
AFTER A SILENT DINNER, Pheobe went to her room to play. Even she didn't want to be around me. I couldn't stomach the thought of suffering through another week like this, and it was devastatingly clear that none of us would be able to tolerate it much longer.
Cameron was a handsome, caring man and an amazing father. There were plenty of women who threw themselves at him every day and they wouldn't give a second thought about giving up having children to be with him. But I wasn’t one of those women. I could see it in his eyes, when he decided it was time to get back into it.
"This isn't over, Abigail. Not even a little bit.” He sighed. “Don't think I'm going to quit on you like that, because I'm not. I don't give up that easily." He grabbed onto my hand and pulled me into a hug that was so tight my lungs became starved for air.
"Are you saying you'll give me a baby, after we marry?" I whispered.
He replied, softly. "I didn't say that."
I swallowed back my disbelief and looked up into his tired eyes. "Cam, I love you so much, and I've found the more I learn about you, the more there is to love. But this? This really hurts. And I can’t get over it."
"You took my ring," he reminded me, but pointing fingers wasn't going to fix anything.
I couldn’t help but return the jab. "That's because you promised me endless happiness, and at that time I actually believed it could be true. I want to know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside me, Cam." I rested my hand on my flat belly.
Cameron stole my hand and held it in his. "I know you. I could still make you happy."
I shook my head to disagree. "You don't know a thing about me. Because if you did, you would realize how important this is to me."
"I know that I love you, Pheobe loves you, and you love us back. Isn't that enough?"
I fought the tight feeling in my chest as a tear streaked down the side of my face. "No. No, Cam. It's not enough." I cried, softly, unable to bring myself to make eye contact with him.
It felt like my swollen heart was slowly oozing toward my throat, making it difficult to breathe. There was no stopping the imminent doom that was closing in around me. I gasped for air, but sucked in a mouthful of fear instead, not knowing what to do next. "I should go." I wanted to tear out of the room, but my legs were so wobbly.
Cameron didn't move. "You said you would never leave me."
I stopped at the door, unlocked it and turned back to him, tears falling steadily down my face. He approached me slowly and held my blurry gaze.
"It's not the end until I say it is." He reached by me and relocked the door, blocking my only exit. Then someone knocked at it. He reluctantly opened the door and found his mother waited patiently on the other side of it.
"Is Pheobe ready?” she asked, ignoring the nature of our dispute. “I told her yesterday I would take her to the store for a special treat tonight."
"I'm sorry, Mom. I totally forgot. Come on in." Cam started to walk down the hall and hollered out to Phoebe.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything," Sadie said to me, acknowledging my fragile state.
"It's okay. We're just trying to work some things out."
Distracted by the glimmering rock dangling from my finger, she picked up my trembling hand, inspected it and smiled at me like only a mother could. “I'm sure you'll be able to work it out."
Pheobe came speeding down the hall. “Grandma!” After a squeeze around her thighs, Pheobe happily slipped on her hat and mitts with her grandmother’s assistance and together they stepped out into the darkness.
"Be careful," Cam hollered after them, then closed the door.
The house fell quiet; so quiet, it was suffocating me.
"Where were we?" Cam asked, pinning me with his sardonic gaze.
I was just leaving. "I believe you were just telling me that it's not over."
His stormy eyes confirmed that story.
Damn him. Cam had a way of making me feel however he wanted me to feel. There was no refuting that I was incredibly attracted to this man. Of all the things I could think of in a moment like this, there was only one factor that hung in the forefront of my mind: he is damn good in bed. And in the shower. And on the table. And wherever he wanted me at this very moment.
With all of the barriers dividing us lately, I couldn't turn away his silent invitation to reconnect. I pounced on him, full of emotion, and he was more than willing to accept my desperate mouth, drinking from his lips and breathing from his lungs.
Cam eased me to the floor where he urgently showed me just how good we fit together. Then he stopped, as he nearly gave me a gift I would have loved to accept from him before the surgery that stole his lively essence.
Reigning in his emotion-filled desire, he lifted me from the floor and into his arms. He carried me to the bedroom, laid me out on his bed, and showed me all the other reasons why I should stay. While my every sexual desire had been fulfilled, that was not and had never been the problem. Yes, it was the best I'd ever had; but it was hardly enough to make our relationship work as is.
Lying there, curled up on his bare chest, I considered how much he loved his daughter. If anyone could convince him to have another baby it was her.
Yes. There are ways I can change his mind.
CHAPTER SEVEN
DECIDING TO TONE IT down for a few days, to let things settle and give us all
a break, was having a positive effect on everyone. Everyone but me. While I appeared to be calm and collected on the outside, it was only because inside I was secretly crafting my master plan to convince Cam to give me a family.
Throughout the work day he continually, nonchalantly, brought up things to show why having another child is not such a good idea. Every time he made a stupid comment, I just grinned and nodded, totally ignoring it. My mind had not changed. It would never change. I would have my baby, with him or with another man who understood how important it was to me.
Another late work night just added to my stress. While sitting in the boardroom with Cam and Owen, I acted busy though wholly distracted with my thoughts. When Cam's cell started to ring, it gave me reason to take my eyes off the useless scribbles on my page. Then concern spread across his face, and I thought the worst.
"Has there been an accident?" Owen asked him, feeding off of my anxiety.
Cam shuffled his papers together. "It's the babysitter. She says Pheobe needs me." He picked up his things, rounded the table and kissed my temple. "I'll see you at home."
Cam blasted out of the room before I could even say goodbye. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Getting anymore work done was unlikely. Owen turned to me, as if he had something important to say.
"That was odd. At least now I’ve got you all to myself.”
Stunned, eyes wide with horror, I watched Owen slide his chair closer to me. When he rested his hand on mine, it should have been creepy, but instead I felt cherished.
"I know it's best to keep our relationship professional, but, but…" He paused; not hesitant, just choosing his words carefully. “I can't imagine a world without your babies in it."
I suddenly found the energy to pull my hand away when my mouth dropped open. Did he just ask me to make babies with him?
"Cam told me that you want to have kids and he doesn’t. He's really struggling with it because he doesn't want to lose you. But I've known Cam for a long time and he’s not going to change his mind on this one, Abby." Owen watched me and repeated it, as if reading my mind. "Trust me. He won't change his mind."
A Twist of Fate (The Twisted Trilogy) Page 9