Dirty Games

by HelenKay Dimon

  That couldn’t be true. This wasn’t about self-preservation. Well, not totally. “I have you.”

  “You do, but you are much nicer when you’re having sex and happy. I’ve seen that happen exactly one time since I’ve known you, and you just let the reason for that happiness and brief contentment walk away.” Oliver shifted forward in his chair. “Justin, listen to me.”

  “Do I have a choice?” Because he wanted to jump up and get out of there. Go a day or two without hearing Finn’s name. Catch his breath and try to rebuild some of his defenses again.

  “I’m taking my last shot here. You need to hear me this time because this guy is the real deal.” Oliver put his hands on the desk. “I see the way he looks at you. I know you’ve been carrying a torch for a long time.”

  “I had a thing for him. He’s not exactly hard on the eyes.” He was fucking everything. The thought floated through Justin’s mind and stuck.

  What he once hoped was a mindless attraction had turned into something so much deeper. An easy obsession he could never act on. Then he met the real Finn. Complex, sexy, smart and decent. Nothing like he was supposed to be.

  Before Oliver could say anything, Justin jumped right to his point. “He can’t live here, Oliver.”

  That was the heartbreaking, painful truth. The piece of information that rubbed him raw and left him breathless.

  “Maybe give him the opportunity to tell you that,” Oliver suggested. “I’m betting you kicked him out, or ran him away, before you could even talk through the options. You made it impossible before you knew if it was.”

  That’s exactly what happened. Justin ran to safety.

  “He’s not going to live at camp and I can’t live in Ceuta or Fnideq. We’d need round-the-clock bodyguards.” There were so many obstacles. Real ones. This wasn’t about communications issues or Justin picking fights to try to keep things light.

  “Sounds to me like you’ve thought through some of the options in your head but you didn’t bother to run through those options with him.” Oliver shook his head. “You messed up.”

  “I’m being realistic.”

  Oliver rolled his eyes. Made it big and dramatic. “Is that a synonym for alone? As I see it, you both deserve better. At least give it a chance.”

  “And if he gets bored in a month and leaves?” Justin could hear the uncertainty in his voice. It vibrated right at the top.

  “I don’t think that’s who he is, but if he does we’ll take a few days, go to Paris, find you a nice hot twentysomething and you can fuck him nonstop until you feel better.”

  The idea of having sex with anyone else, meaningless or not, made Justin’s stomach roll. “I’m not convinced that will help.”

  “That should tell you how far gone you are for Finn.”

  He was. All the way gone.

  Shit. He had to talk with Finn. Beg him to listen, if necessary. “Where is he?”

  “He had a bag with him. I thought I heard someone mention an airport.”

  Justin stood up. He didn’t have a destination in mind, but he needed to move. “Fuck me.”

  Oliver waved him off. “No way. You’re a mess.”

  Chapter 24

  Finn waited until Justin left the tent to go back in. Hours had passed and he was able to work in silence. No yelling. He enjoyed complete quiet, sitting at one of the tables far away from Justin’s desk.

  This was about gathering all the research on the shipping issues, everything they’d put together since he got there so he could present a final report on the damage to his brothers, to the whole management team…then getting out of Justin’s way. Finn had no interest in another battle.

  They had a whole team at Drummond who could assess next moves now that they knew about Ty’s involvement. Finn was determined to crush the whole weapons ring, even though he knew that wasn’t realistic.

  “You’re back.”

  Finn looked up at the sound of Oliver’s voice. Justin stepped inside the tent. He held something in his hand and whipped it across the top of his desk. It fell to the ground with a crack. His phone, maybe?

  “I missed him,” Justin said as he dropped into his chair.

  Oliver glanced at Finn then back to Justin, who hadn’t looked up. “What?”

  “He got on that fucking private plane.”

  Finn realized this was about him or possibly Alec. Probably involved some new fight about money. Well, he wasn’t in the mood to hear it.

  He gathered up his files and stood. “You spend a lot of time complaining about planes.”

  Justin spun his chair around. “Finn?”

  “I guess it’s good you remember my name.” He walked up beside Justin’s desk. Tried not to notice how tired he looked. How defeated.

  Justin blinked a few times. “You’re here.”

  Oliver made that familiar humming sound. “Did I forget to text you and tell you he was still at camp?”

  “You suck.” Justin shot Oliver a quick glance before looking at Finn again.

  They’d lost Finn during their cryptic back and forth. There seemed to be some secret conversation, possibly a secret language, passing between them. He was exhausted and his shoulder throbbed, but he might as well have all the information on whatever new problem they needed to deal with. “What’s going on?”

  Oliver shrugged. “I’m making him work for it.”

  That didn’t clear up anything for Finn.

  Before he could say so, Justin stood up. “You didn’t get on a plane.”

  “No.”

  “I thought you left.”

  “Because you assumed I’d run.” Of course he did. If there was a negative spin Justin could put on anything Finn did or said, he did it. “Yes, you’ve been clear about how little you think of me.”

  “I fucked up.”

  Not again. Not another round. Finn didn’t have the strength. He’d run through the last of his energy. It was time to head back to the villa. Maybe take a few days off and relax then hit the shipment issue one last time.

  None of those recuperation plans included Justin. “Look, Justin. I can’t keep doing this. I think we’re fine, then you remember my last name, get pissed off and unload. I’m done.”

  Justin took a step forward. His hands landed on Finn’s outer arms. “Please listen to me.”

  The gentle rubbing up and down was hypnotic. Finn let his body lean into it, just for a second. “Why? We’re just going to start the same cycle again.”

  “I love you.”

  Finn pulled away. He was fully awake now. But his brain had to be blinking out, because those words didn’t make any sense coming from Justin.

  Justin shook his head and kept talking. “I think I’ve loved you from the start, even though that’s fucking ridiculous. You don’t fall in love in a minute, but then I couldn’t stop thinking about you. For years. Years, Finn.”

  No, no no. Finn held up a hand to ward off the words. “What are you talking about?”

  He wanted to hear those words, but not like this. Not as part of some fumbled apology. He looked over to Oliver for help and realized he’d already left the tent. Everyone had. They were alone.

  “I have thought about you since the first time we met. I don’t mean, ‘Hey, remember that cute brunette?’ I mean nonstop, wanting-you, looking-up-your-photo-online thinking about you.” With every sentence, Justin took a step closer. He ended with their bodies almost touching and his hand on Finn’s waist. “I thought you were off-limits, and that was safe. It’s okay to fall for someone you can never have, because you can never get dumped.”

  “I don’t…did you say years?”

  “It started when I saw you and thought you had a girlfriend. That far back.”

  Finn brushed his fingertips over Justin’s hand as he struggled to take this ne
ws in. “You acted like you hated me. You still do sometimes.”

  “You know that’s not true.” Justin’s hand wrapped around Finn’s neck. Cradled him. “I push you away before you can…”

  “What?”

  “Destroy me.” The strain in his voice made it sound like the words were rung out of him.

  They vibrated through Finn. For a few dangerous seconds, he let himself believe. “I want to be with you, build something with you.”

  “And that scares the shit out of me.” Justin’s hands rubbed up and down Finn’s sides. “See, once I let myself believe that, and bring down the walls, I get pummeled and lose everything.”

  “Or you get everything.” God, he had to stop. He should push away and get out of town. Out of the country. Go anywhere Justin’s reach couldn’t find him. But he couldn’t. Not when Justin stood there looking broken and defeated. “Maybe those walls fall and what you see is me standing there, waiting.”

  “Are you?”

  The admission of love and the look in his eyes. Every thought, every feeling, was right there on Justin’s face. He didn’t hold back or throw up any walls.

  But that wasn’t good enough. Finn needed more. Not perfect, but an honest try.

  “It’s got to be different this time.” Finn gave in and touched Justin then. Let his fingers trail over his chin and down his throat. “I know your friends turned on you. I get that you stepped up and did the right thing and got shit for it. The bravery that took? Jesus, Justin. I love you for that. But—”

  Justin’s eyes widened. He looked stunned. “What?”

  “Can you really not tell?” And here Finn had worried his feelings were too obvious. “Why do you think I keep coming back? Under the gruffness and the bark is the man who helped me take a shower when I couldn’t stand up. You’re the guy who hates to see me hurt or in danger.”

  “True.”

  “I know the yelling, the spitting back, is about self-protection. But—and this is what I need you to get.” Finn thumped his finger against Justin’s chest. “I have to invoke some of that self-protection, too.”

  “I’m worried I’m going to love you. I mean the deep, can’t-live-without-you type, and then you’ll leave and go back to your old life. Because I don’t fit into your world. This work matters to me, and leaving it—”

  “Who asked you to do that?” Finn’s heart grabbed onto the love part but his brain kept fighting. “I want to expand our reach. Be the person on the ground who travels to the camps and makes it easier to get what you need to the people we help. Lobby my brothers for more resources. Be a pain in the side of local government.”

  Justin smiled at that. “Why? You could sit in your plush office and read my emails and handle it that way.”

  “Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I don’t exactly fit into that world. Frankly, neither do my brothers. We do the work the way we want to do it. For me, that means stepping out of the moneymaking part.” The more he said, the more the words rolled around in his head, the more sense it all made to Finn.

  He wasn’t big on destiny, but he was starting to believe this was his. This amazing land, the people. Justin.

  “Where would you live?”

  Finn heard a new thread in Justin’s tone. He recognized it because it flowed through him, too—hope. “I’ve only thought about the possibility for a few days, but probably Fnideq. Maybe have a place in Ceuta that we could escape to when we didn’t want to worry about upsetting anyone in Morocco. And every now and then when you’re working too hard and can’t break away, in your tent.”

  Justin exhaled as he shook his head. “You’re okay with that life?”

  “I’m okay with us talking it out, figuring out the next steps together.” And that was part of their problem. They talked past each other. That would have to end. For the first time, Finn thought maybe it could. “I know we’ve only been together for two weeks, but I don’t plan on losing you, so you’ll need to step up your communications game.”

  “Sounds like I have a lot of work to do in general.”

  Justin wanted to try. That realization flowed through Finn and knocked out every doubt. All he had wanted was a chance and Justin was handing it to him. “We both do. The big-time love thing is new for both of us.”

  “Is that what this is?”

  “I’m pretty sure it could be.”

  Justin kissed him then. Leaned in with a long lingering kiss before lifting his head again. “But what if you decide it’s too confining.”

  The self-doubt would always creep in. Finn was starting to see that Justin was built that way, which meant Finn would need to work even harder to convince him that he was worth it. “Stop running through what could happen and pushing me away and start trusting me to know what I want.”

  “Okay.”

  Finn laughed at the mix of relief and happiness Justin packed into that one word. “That was easy.”

  “There’s nothing easy about us.”

  “Agreed.” Finn gave him a quick kiss. Nothing sexy. More of a we’ve-got-this comfort kiss. “But I kind of like it that way.”

  “We’ll see if you say that after a few nights in my small tent.”

  “That sounds perfect.”

  * * *

  —

  Three weeks later they finally broke away for that weekend out of camp they’d been promising each other. Justin had wanted to celebrate them turning a corner in their relationship. Then work blew up and Kit needed them as she worked through Ty’s deception. After everything, she accepted their offer to be their new doctor in camp and hopefully time would help heal the rest.

  Now Justin and Finn were in Ceuta. The first night in the sunny two-bedroom apartment Finn rented there. He still had the place in Fnideq for most nights. But this place was special. It sat overlooking the bay of Gibraltar, facing Africa. It had a view of the infamous Rock, the monolithic limestone ridge rising out of the water.

  They’d only visited twice, the first time in order to rent it, but Justin didn’t hate it. He was sure he would, but there was something about escaping there that refreshed him. Now he lay diagonal across the bed, freshly showered and naked after a pretty great session between the sheets with Finn.

  “I feel decadent being here instead of back at camp,” Justin said without making any move to get up.

  Finn stepped out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam. The scent of his shampoo floated along with him as he sat on the bed next to Justin’s thighs. “We come here a couple of days per month. You’re not exactly living the high life.”

  “Have you seen your ass? I kind of am.” Justin slid his hand along the side of Finn’s hip. He really wanted to rip that towel off, but he fought off the urge. He needed to replenish his energy before he got Finn naked again.

  “That kind of sweet talk will get you anything you want.”

  “I know.” Justin glanced up at the dresser across from the bed. He’d been staring at the stack of paper piled on there for the last ten minutes. “What’s all that?”

  Finn winced. “Nothing.”

  Which meant it was something. “That’s not believable.”

  His mouth opened and closed two times before he spat out any actual words. “It’s the paperwork for the special fund.”

  “Ah.” Now Justin got it. This topic sent them into a tailspin the last time they broached it. Justin thought Finn had gotten on a plane and run away. But of course he hadn’t. Justin got it now that Finn was not a runner. He had staying power, some days enough for both of them.

  Finn’s eyes narrowed and those impressive shoulders tensed. “What does that reaction mean?”

  Justin waited for the anger to hit him. This was the point where his temper usually spiked, but he felt calm. This wasn’t about throwing money around. Finn really wanted to help.

  Acceptin
g assistance was not Justin’s strong suit, but he was trying. “Where did the money come from? I mean originally. I get that you set up the fund.”

  “My mom.”

  Justin’s head rolled to the side as he stared up at Finn. “What?”

  “She had an account. When she died it was divided three ways with my brothers. I’ve never touched my part.”

  That meant…man, it scared Justin how much that meant to him. He pushed up and balanced his upper body on his elbows. “And you’re giving it to me.”

  “I’m funding a project that matters to both of us, that gets help to people who need it. I think she’d like that.” Finn put a hand on Justin’s stomach. “Look, I don’t want to take over or—”

  “Yes.” Justin’s hand covered Finn’s. “The answer is yes.”

  “You’re agreeing without the usual lecture about money.”

  Justin pushed all the way up then. He sat next to Finn with Finn’s legs draped over his. “I’m telling you that you are a good man. I’m proud to work with you, to be the one by your side.”

  “That’s a big statement.”

  “Well, what I feel for you is pretty big.” He was can’t-think-straight in love with Finn. There was no use denying it. “You were supposed to be the one I wanted from afar. The one I never got to touch. Instead, you’re my…”

  “Yes?”

  Justin was just going to say it because why the hell not? “Everything.”

  Finn smiled then. He leaned in and kissed Justin’s neck. “I love you, too.”

  “Then we should cancel tonight and stay in.” That sounded so much better than their real plans.

  “Alec and Gaige are in town. You’ll like Gaige, and Alec wants to apologize.”

  “Oh, come on. He does not.” Justin admitted he was still raw when it came to Alec. He’d given Justin an out, a reason to walk away from Finn, and Justin messed up and took it. He hated himself for that and was pretty ticked off that Alec helped lead him to it. Justin was still trying to come up with ways to make the lapse up to Finn.

  “Gaige told him he has to.”